Tuesday, August 29, 2006

As salamu alikum to all....Well here I am again. It's been a couple of days, but alhamdulillah things are going well. Masha Allah my life has taken an unexpected turn and just as I felt I was on the brink of divorce....WA-LA!!! Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah is all I can say.

My sister in law's waleemah was this Saturday and mind you it was Lisa's day and I didn't know how my husband was going to work out taking me on her day. This was when she and I were still on bad terms.I just let it be and didn't mention it to him and just waited for him to tell me his plan. I was more than willing to trade days with her. The thing is that the waleemah was out of town (3 hours away). So anyways when she and I went to talk to the sheikh and had made up I discovered that my husband had planned on ALL of us going, but in seperate cars. He is lucky she and I had made amends when I found out because if we were still not speaking then I would have thrown a huge fit.

After she and I made amends I was actually wanting to invite her to go with us. Well when she told me that she was already going it caught me by surprise, but I liked the idea because this way I can spend the day with my husband at the waleemah and also have my day the next day. Since she went then I would not have to give up my day.

It was a really nice weekend. I enjoyed her company and it felt nice for us to talk again. I actually missed her. She is not a bad person. What I had a hard time accepting was that our Qadr was for her to be my husband's wife....not my friend. Now I realize that her Qadr was to be my husband's wife AND my friend. She and I text message now, but nice messages of course. I don't really call to talk because I don't want to push it and I haven't asked her to go anywhere because I want to take things slow.

At the waleemah people were shocked to discover we were co-wives. But we got lots of compliments and good advice. One woman told us and wallhi this is true....That our marriage to our husband and our relationship with one another is now Ibbadah. Ya Allah!!! That really touched me. It is true. We are only here to Worship Allah (swt) and we have to use every portal we have to do that even with our co-wives.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Today is my third year with my husband and if I had to do it all over again.....I probably would ; )

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Today was a nice day. I invited 5 of my friends over today. Three of which are co-wives. We decided to get together to talk about polygny a little bit. We talked about the book and about our experiences. It was great it felt like group therapy. What is it with me and therapy lately??? Anyways we had a wonderful time and I realized that if it wasn't for my husband having another wife I really couldn't enjoy moments like these as often.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Subhan Allah!!!! Who would have thought my day would end like this??? Lisa and I are friends again walhamdulillah. Shocked??? The Imam arranged for the two of us to discuss our issues and that's exactly what we did. To make a long story short....In a period of several hours we discussed our anger, our hurt, our fears, our misunderstandings, our differences and much more. We came to the conclusion that we were better as friends than as enemies. It take too much energy to hate someone especially when you really like the person. I realized that the two of us have many insecurities and many fears. I asked her questions I thought I wanted the answer to, but the problem was that no answer was going to be good enough. I just have to let it go. That is my goal.....just to let the past be in the past. The fact is that we have a wonderful husband and if he wasn't so wonderful the two of us wouldn't be putting up with this crap. I need to focus and look at the people that have less than me and appreciate what it is that I have. To be honest with you, I have many friends who are the ONLY wives and they see their husband less than we do. We are very blessed alhamdulillah. To be honest with you again, I don't think I would truly want my husband full-time. He was very hard to deal with when I was the only wife. And to be honest with you one more time, I just wanted to punish him by leaving, but in truth I would be punishing myself and my kids more. I love my husband soooooo much and it's time I got my act together and start doing what's right. I felt so shy when Lisa was telling me that I am the reason why she started praying and that I am the one who taught her the religion and I was the one who did this and that. It made me feel ashamed of myself for the way I acted, but she understood why I did. She knew she couldn't handle it if it had happened to her. I thought to myself.....If it took her being with my husband for her to be a practicing Muslimah then why not??? Yes I am hurt by what they did, but time will never go back and it's finished. It's time to deal and at least all of the things she said she would never do.....she did. Masha Allah I am impressed by what a wonderful muslimah she has become. You should have seen her when she came to my house exactly a year ago to the day (the day her hisband left her was exactly a year from today). She was a different person....I almost gave up talking to her about hijab, but alhamdulillah she wore it and now she wears niqab and wears it proudly (even to work). Wallahi she has noor in her face, but my jealousy blinded me. A3uthoo billahi minal shaytan ilrajeem. I know she loves me and my kids. Last night we were so blunt and honest. We laughed and she cried and we got mad and made jokes. It was a really nice time. We talked for hours and didn't even realize the time flew by so fast. We decided that I delt with their marriage backwards. I forgave them and then I vented when infact I should have vented and then forgave them. We realized that we had to learn from trial and error and that this experience is new for the three of us and that we made mistakes and we will learn from them. We will keep making mistakes, but the whole point is to stick through it. Insha Allah I hope Allah makes it easy for all of us. We will take our friendship slowly and let it progress and then we will see what will happen insha Allah.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

For any of you ladies who's husbands are all yours....Don't take them for granted! Appreciate what they do for you, give them their rights, baby them and make them feel loved. Don't let it take another woman to show you how much he really means and how wonderful he really is. Look and see it for yourself. Live without regret!

Monday, August 21, 2006

Remember I told all of you that I had started my own yahoo polygamy group??? It's called Thewivesclub_polygamy. Well one of my friend's posted something very nice I think you all should read. I don't know if you have to join the group to read it, but here's the link http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheWivesClub_polygamy/ Go there and read the post called "Quotes from a second wife" It's really sweet masha Allah. Tell me what you think after you read it insha Allah. And if any of you would like to post questions or comments then please do because I would like the group to get kickin......So start kickin ladies!!!! lol!
The Past couple of days I have been in and out of the Imam's office. One day with my mom, the next with my husband, and the next with my sis-in-law. Masha Allah! Masha Allah! Masha Allah! I couldn't have asked for a better Imam to help me with my situation. Not only is he a learned sheikh, but he is also a psychologist and has 2 phd's. What is better than someone with knowledge of the deen who also understands human emotions? What a combo? Masha Allah he has helped a lot. Right now he has refused my request for a khul because I told him that masha Allah my husband is very just (3adl). I told him that it is not my husband, that it is me. I am the one who cannot handle this. He explained to me that none of the mothers' of the believers had asked for their husbands to divorce their other wives because they knew this was haram. He also reminded me that asking for a divorce without a valid reason would make the sent of Jannah forbidden to me. He said it in a nicer way of course. I told him that I am not asking my husband to divorce her and that I am asking him to divorce me. My husband insisted that he did not want a divorce and he said very praiseworthy things about me. The imam also complimented me to my husband and told him that if he gave me up he would be crazy. He did explain to him that because the responsibility of raising 4 girls in this country was a huuuuuuuge responsibility that he had to be involved in their lives 100%. He said that he cannot and I cannot ask him to divorce his wife (although it was not wise, but it's done) but that he could make it to where it is more acceptable to me. I told him that nothing would change my mind, but then he offered me this.....He asked my husband to give me 4 days out of the week and her 3 days. They said that the 4th day would be for the kids. That doesn't mean that I couldn't be there, but that it would compensate for all of the time I have to share my time with children. He said that she doesn't have any kids with him and that she should be understanding. He also suggested that I take the 4 days together instead of doing it every other day like we are. It makes sense because it would offer more stability in the home. I was stubborn and said no and the sheikh asked me to come in the next day with my sis-in-law to talk and he would convince me about it. I went and that's what he did. He told me that it is his observation that my husband loves me very much, but that she is offering him something that he cannot give up easily, but that once he is done getting his benefit that he will get tired and come back. He told me that I need to lose the temper (go figure) and that my husband made a mistake and doesn't know how to get out and he doesn't want to fix a mistake with another mistake (being unjust to her). Anyways he said all the things I needed to hear.....even if they aren't true I wanted to hear them. Therapists do that!!!! Anyways he asked me to try the four days thing for a month and if I am still not happy then come to him and he will handle my affairs. I agreed and then he asked to meet with my husband today for 15 minutes to discuss our decision. Anyways this morning I was talking to my husband and he told me that he discussed the extra day thing with Lisa and she said that instead of that she didn't mind him taking the kids on one of her days. I said, "In her dreams. NO WAY! That will never happen so tell her to keep dreaming." He got my answer to that suggestion. I called the Imam and told him and he said no that that is unacceptable. He went on to say that the children belong with their mother and that they do not need to go there. He of course meant that if I didn't agree with it then it was not necessary. Anyways he wants to speak to me and to her and I am going to take him up on that. I need to let my feelings out. We'll see what happens when he speaks to my husband insha Allah. Anyways the kids started school so that's the high point of the week. YAAAAAY!!!!

Saturday, August 19, 2006

I haven't been posting for a couple of days because I have on the verge of divorce. My husband hasn't been asking for it, but I have. I hate this situation. I hate sharing my husband with someone who betrayed my friendship to her. My husband and I got into one of our worst fights yesterday. It was too ugly to describe. A3uthoo billah!!!! I know it was shaytan. Looking at myself I saw the shaytan and I felt the shaytan and it was so scary. It took both my mother and my sis-in-law to keep my off of my husband. I called my co-wife and went off. She thought my husband hit me from how hysterical I sounded, but he didn't. Why all of this??? I feel sooooo ashamed, but I have let things bottle up so much that it was bound to come out. I hate this person I have become. I am not this person. I am the person who was nice to my co-wife, the one who apologized to her and gave her gifts and cared about her well-being. That is me, not this insecure monster. What is happening to me? I went crazy infront of my kids and I am so sorry for how they must have felt. I feel hatred brewing inside of me. I want him to either choose me or her. I want him to divorce her and I know that this is wrong. I know that I am asking him to do something haram. I know that this is qadr Allah and I haven't accepted it. I know that I need to be patient and I am impatient. I know that this happened as a result of me bringing a woman into my home and not seperating her from my husband. I know that if he leaves her it may not solve all of our problems. I know that if I do not pass this test then I will be tested with something harder. I know I am wrong. I know what I should be like and what I should follow so why aren't I doing it? Am I arrogant? Is it shaytan? Is it my nafs? Was it envy? Is it my ego? Why can't I do what is right? I hate this. I am going to the new Imam with my mother and am going to talk to him about what is going on, insha Allah he will be of help to all of us.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Today was such a loooooong day. Alhamdulillah the day started out good. My mom and I went to go get our hair done. She got a cut and the new Japanese relaxer, I got a cut and fixed my highlights, and my little amoonie (my 2 year old) got her first official hair cut (she looks like a boy...lol. but a very cute boy). Anyways we got our hair done and that took most of the day and on our way to go meet a friend of mine at the girls' school my car stopped. Man what luck? If my husband finds out he will literally freak. He keeps complaining about the gas prices and therefore he doesn't want me to make any unnecessary trips outside of the house. I am the type of person who likes to socialize and Lisa is the type who likes to stay home. Well I can't really say that she is that way because when we used to hang out she likes to go out and socialize as well, but you have to think of it this way.....She works and gets out of the house so when she comes home she just wants to be there and relax. Me on the other hand am home all day with 5 kids (my niece included) and I go crazy and want to get out. We are different people, but I don't think think this is a major flaw in me. If my husband tells me to stay home, I fuss a little but obey. Anyways this was her night and I had to call him because my car stopped. Two men helped me as much as they could, but it didn't do anything. Now my husband is a wrecker driver and I knew I should call him, but I was worried he was really going to be pissed. I also doubted whether or not he would come. One time in the beginning of his marriage to Lisa her car stopped and she was stuck in the rain with her son, her friend and her friend's two sons and since my husband was with me and he knew she was in a safe place and he didn't want to cause a problem with "My day; Her day" so he got a friend of his to go to her to tow her. Turns out she just needed a jump start. Well needless to say she was pisssssssed. She told him that if it was me who was stranded he would have gone to me. He said that's not true and it caused a huge fuss between them. Well I was eventually forced to call him to come because his house was really closer to where I was. He actually came!!! I was happy (istaghfir Allah) because I knew she would be upset. Sometimes I feel that I get these feeling because I want to prove to her that just because he is married to her doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. Anyways he came and got someone to come to fix my car and went back home at about 11 p.m. I am sure she was fuming, but I didn't really care. I still don't! I understand why she is mad though. At the time when she called my husband he had his truck and sent someone else; when I called him he didn't have a truck, but he came and called someone else. I hate to feel good about that but I do. You know maybe if she cared how I felt about their marriage then I would care about how she feels, but since she didn't........I don't!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I am soooooo embarassed to even say what it was that I got angry about. lol. I am sooooo childish sometimes. Believe it or not I got mad because my husband was shopping at walmart with HER. I know that sounds so dumb, but it's because anytime I want to go shopping with him he complains about going with all the kids and tells me to go with his sister. We had the kids before and we used to go to the store almost everyday. I feel it's not fair that I don't really get to spend time with him because I have kids. He says she complains because I am getting too much time. I guess that's shaytan's trick on the both of us. Anyways she and I got into our first screaming match on the phone through him. When I was done with my little temper tantrum I called and apologized to him because truly it was not my right to get mad. It was her day and they could do whatever they wanted. I guess I was just mad because I expected her to go to work and she didn't. Man this is soooooo annoying. I feel like a kid. I know he loves me so why do I freak out? Anyways at least I am not too proud to admit when I make a mistake. I guess my Egyptian temper gets the better of me....lol (safa ;)

Anyways my mom is here visiting me for a few days and I am soooooo happy. She is trying to help me find ways to cope. Alhamdulillah she is my encouragement and support. Masha Allah! Masha Allah! Masha Allah she is a woman who fears Allah and has way more eman than me. When I am down she reminds me of the Hearafter and how this Duniya is worth nothing. Ain't that the truth!!!!??? She told me that maybe getting a job is the solution to my problem. Working in an Islamic school sounds great and I get to have my kids near me at the same time. I will try to keep myself so busy that I won't have time to even think of what the two of them are doing. Hey it's worth a shot don't you think?

Monday, August 14, 2006

LOL!!!! Shaytan got to me!!! That didn't take long, did it? I'll give details later insha Allah. Man I'm weak!!!
Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah!!!!! This morning I feel such a rush of empowerment. YA ALLAH.....What a feeling!!! I love it. The reason I feel sooooooo good masha Allah is because I did not let shaytan provoke me this morning and last night.

Last night masha Allah my husband was being so sweet. He came home in the morning after working night shift and went straight to bed. I let him sleep till about 4:00 p.m., woke him up to pray, then fed him and then it was time for him to go to the next prayer. When he came back he found me, his sister and the kids dressed and ready to go anywhere. For some reason when we go out I feel that I am spending more time with him. He was being soooo sweet complimenting my new hijab and looking online with me and then asked me where I would like to go. I didn't know where we could go considering just about everything was closed due to it being after 6:00 p.m. on a Sunday, but I told him that I didn't really care where we went as long as we were together. Even the car ride was enough for me. In the car I read to him the part in the book about jealousy and how it causes the "emotional highs" and then the lows and I explained to him that I think that this is part of the reason why I can't make up my mind about Lisa. I told him that some days I am fine and others I am not. He said that he knew that I was always sincere with her and that he understands. My husband masha Allah always compliments me by telling me what a nice person I am. He sometimes says that I am like a kid.....meaning almost too nice or maybe he meant naive. lol. Whatever, he still said it as a compliment. So anyways getting to the part where I controlled my emotions was when we went to a store aclled Jerusalem. He went inside to get something and when he came out he was standing at the doorway of the store (where I can see him) and it was obvious he was fighting with her. I could tell by the way he was standing and the way he was gesturing. That's a wife's intuition thingy. So he is standing there fighting with her a long time and I didn't let it get to me (self control). He came in the car and was visibly upset and it felt as if he wanted me to ask what happened, but I fought my urges and told myself it was between them and none of my business and just left it at that (another self control). So this time I didn't get involved in his marriage to her and I didn't get mad that he was spending time fighting with her on my time. lol. This is a step in the right direction right??

Last night I had a feeling as to what the fight was about. She works days and recently my husband has been pushed in the corner to work nights. So she goes to work from 9:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. and then he goes to work from 6 or 7 p.m. to 6 or 7 a.m. so that leaves them with very few hours to be together every other day. Anyways and in the time she is at work on her days he sometimes comes over here if he is not working so he can get to see the kiddos. Well this schedule is really irritating her (not that I care too much), but I understand where she is coming from because if it was me I would be pissed too. Alhamdulillah it's not me! She was already pissed last night that he spent the whole day with me and only half a day with her.....The reason for that is because Sundays are not busy and his boss is trying to screw him over. This morning she calls him and I knew she planned to pick him up before she went to work to take him to her apartment so he doesn't spend more time with me. She probably complained to him that it's not fair and blah..blah..blah.. so he got dressed and didn't tell me anything, but I knew what was about to happen. I didn't open my mouth to fight with him although normally I would. Sometimes I try to give my husband a hard time on purpose so he sees how difficult it is to have 2 women. Yes I know that's wrong!!!

Anyways I am getting off track. So he is ready to leave and she comes to get him and he goes although she had once told me that when she starts working she didn't mind him being with me while she's at work. She told me that she wouldn't trap him in her apartment alone when he could be spending time with us. I guess when we had our fall-out that changed things a bit.

No big deal. Some of my friends were coming over today anyways so it helped me out a bit because if he was here our plan would have had to change. lol. I am going to get to see him anyways because I am going to the grocery store with him that's next to their apartment so we can go and do some shopping. lol. So what I have to say is Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! I feel so happy that I was able to fight off shaytan and I know that this means he will try harder the next time, but insha Allah I will keep preparing myself for that so I can fight him off even stronger.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

This next post is dedicated to a very sweet sister Safa whose blog really touches my heart. I want her to smile (as well as the rest of you) so I will share with you this funny story.

One day my husband and I had to stop at the post office for his sister who wanted to send out a package and he wanted to send out his kids' child support. They went inside and I was left bored in the car. I am looking at this notebook that he has placed on the dashboard with a lot of his work numbers. My husband is a wrecker driver so whenever he gets a call he puts the customer's phone number in this book so he can contact them. Anyways this book was on the dashboard and a sneeeeeaky thought came to mind. I thought of how curious I was at what was in the book so I was going to write a love note to my hubby inside of it so that when Lisa gets that same sneaky thought she will read what I wrote and get jealous. Anyways I wrote " I LOVE YOU HABOOBI" (which means MY LOVE) on the paper and I wrote it diagonally and I put a smiley face and on purpose put a tongue hanging from the smile. CUTE HUH???? Well here comes the funny part. After I wrote my message and wallahi this is a true story.....I decided to look through the book because I had a weird feeling (Shaytan's whispers perhaps). While looking through the book a page caught my attention. Guess what it had???? She wrote him a message that said "Te Amo mi Amor" (she's Hispanic by the way) written diagonally like mine and has a smiley face with a tongue. Instead of being mad or jealous I was actually cracking up. Subhan Allah!!!! I wonder if shaytan put the same thought in both of our heads or maybe it was due to my ill intentions. lol. Her message and my message meant the same things in different languages written in the same style with the same smiley face.What are the odds??? I was so amused by this lesson that I actually told my husband and his sister what I did and what I found when they came back to the van. They laughed as well. He didn't even see her message in there before. Anyways I hope that made someone laugh.

But on a serious note. My sis-in-law always tells me that the one who looks in something that is none of his business will find something that he wished he didn't know. The saying rhymes in Arabic. lol. Anyways so try to keep yourselves from looking into things that are not yours because that's a trick from the shaytan to stir up problems. I remember how hurt I was when I checked my husband's phone to see if he calls her more than me, only to find that he programmed her name as "MI AMOR" which means "MY LOVE" like my name in his phone which is "HABOOBI" which means "MY LOVE". I was sooooo hurt by that, but whatever I'm so over it now. I could care less what he calls her. Am I lying to myself??? haha. Who knows? Anyways I asked him after all the problems we had due to his phone....to lock his phone with a password and change our love nicknames to our real names so neither one of us gets hurt and I feel that this is fair and it helps avoid fitnah. He has yet to listen to me although he agreed at the time.....So I guess I am gonna have to do it for him tomorrow insha Allah.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

You know what I just realized???? I have not really been saying the nice things about my husband, just the bad. I do not want to give the impression that he was the only one at fault in this marriage. It was me too, but just like my sis-in-law says....."You don't fix problems in one marriage by another marriage." I love my husband very much. He has his faults, but his strengths outweigh his weaknesses. He is good to me and is fair to both me and Lisa (sometimes too fair ; ) ), but I guess that is his duty as a Muslim. He is as fair as he can be, but she is the one who gave up her rights to maintenance so he insha Allah won't be accountable for that, but I know that if he could afford to maintain her then he would. Anyways I wanted to make sure that it is known that my husband is a good man and is wonderful to me majority of the time, but their is a part of me that is ungratful because of the hurt. I know I need to get over this. He is stressed and a bit overwhelmed with his work situation so that's why he hasn't been himself lately. One way for us women to feel grateful in our situations, I believe, is to follow the Sunnah and always compare our lives to those who have less than us and then our situations will seem petty. I wish I can always keep this in mind for myself and then ALHAMDULILLAH will be in my head, on my tounge, and in my heart.
You know what I always tell my husband? I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but I say that men are not like dogs like some people say.......Dogs are more loyal. I hate that I sound so bitter, but I just hear so many stories of how we women sacrifice for their men only to have them either unappreciate them or go find someone else. I am sick of this.

I am sick of people telling me that I need to basically kiss my husband's behind so he turn to his other wife. Why should I reward him for the hurt he caused me? If I do it I will do it for the sake of Allah ALONE.....not for him or for her.

Well speaking of them, I saw them together today. We just happened to run into eachother coincidently at the same Arab restaurant he was supposed to take me to yesterday. Well they had just left there. He knew I was going there because I had texted him where I was going and he decided to leave, but he didn't leave soon enough. I caught them!!! lol. She was in the car waiting for him while he went to the sweet store and then he saw me as I was driving past him going to park. Then he got in the car and started driving away. So I called him and said sweet and loud in the phone......"What Habooooooobi no salamu alikum?" He told me that he was going to, but that I drove off. So he turned around and parked again and came to check on our baby to see how her head was. Anyways my daughter was thrilled to see him. Then I said to him, "I hope you had a nice lunch." He replied, "Not really Alex (his boss) ruined it for me." So I said, "Good. I'm glad." I know that was mean, but I was just so angry that he had ruined our outing the day before because of the dumb insurance paper and here he is going with her there for lunch. Sometimes I think he takes her out more cause it's less expensive. With her he only has to pay for 2 people and with us we are 3 adults and 3 kids that eat (not that the kids eat that much to begin with, but you know what I mean). Anyways My daughter started chasing after him as he was leaving to go back to her car and I told her to come back. Then it looked as if he was going to take her over to the car so she could see her and I FREAKED. I shouted, "Don't you dare." Then he gave me this look as if he wanted to say that he can take her there if he wanted, but then he let it go and left. Then I called him for another reason and I think she got mad, but whatever. I always called him when I wanted before. I try not to have that attitude too much though because I wouldn't want her to do it to me, but sometimes I can't help it. Anyways later I was upset with myself that I showed him that I was bothered by them. I wish I could have acted like I cared less. But you girls know how jealousy can rear it's ugly head.

In the book I am reading "From Monogamy to Polygny: A Way Through" it talks about how jealousy leads to anger and anger can tend to lead to violence. Alhamdulillah there hasn't been any violence (not yet anyways....lol ;) J/K). It talks about jealousy being in the nature of women, but that there are proper protocols to dealing with it to avoid triggering anger. Another thing they mention is the high women get when they are jealous which can cause them to get angry, but that after that high is gone the woman realizes her mistake and then her feelings turn from anger to regret. I guess this explains the flip flopping of emotions I experience with Lisa. She sees it as if I am playing with her, but wallahi I don't feel as if I am. I say things out of jealousy probably because shaytan provokes me through my thoughts (or maybe it's even my nafs) and then the real vena comes back after the anger has passed and tries to make amends. I hope she notices that point when she reads the book, if she reads it. In the book it addresses that when the emotional high is gone the woman experiences a low that is filled with regret, embarrassment and guilt. That is sooooooo true. Anyways hopefully he takes me out tomorrow to make up for the day HE messed up.
By the way....Does it make a difference to know that my husband is 13 years older than me and 12 years older than Lisa???
SubhanAllah.....Guess what??? You know that little insurance paper that caused me sooooooo much head and heartache???? Well I found the sucker and the date of expiration was 8-8-06. When did my hubby get the ticket??? 8-11-06. WOW!!!! I guess it wouldn't have made a difference whether the dumb paper was in the car or not. It might have even been worse if he had an expired insurance paper in the glove box.

Anyways Qadr Allah. I think it's sooooo funny (not really) when men get married to another woman they like to throw it in your face that "It's Qadr Allah, " but when it comes to something like getting a ticket they don't want to hear "It's Qadr Allah." Funny huh? Not really!!!

By the way today insha Allah a friend of mine who is in a polygamous marriage is coming over insha Allah and her friend who is also in a polygamous marriage is coming too. Guess what my task is for the evening??? It is to convince my friend's friend that she should allow her husband to take back his second wife before her iddah is over. I guess it is easier to give other people advice than to actually apply it to yourself. If I was in the same situation I wonder if I would be doing the same thing. I did do it once though, but I probably wouldn't do it again. Their story is different than mine though.

Anyways I better get to sleep. It is 4:16 a.m. here and I need to wake up for fajr in an hour insha Allah. My 2 year old busted her head on the computer desk and it opened her forehead and she was bleeding really bad.....Scared me to death....so I was watching her to make sure she was ok and holding her wound and when she slept I was not sleepy anymore, but now I am worn out. WHAT A DAY??!! Alhamdulillah 3alla kul hal!!!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Today was the perfect example of how Shaytan is on my back and won't leave me alone. He will not be happy until my husband and I are divorced. A3uthoo billahi minal shaytan ilrajeem. Last night I was reading in my new book From Monogamy to Polygny and it was really inspiring to me. Although I only read the first chapter, it really motivated me to be a better wife and co-wife. This morning I picked up my husband to take him to the masjid he was going to be giving the jum3a khutbah at and then I was going to another masjid so I can attend my childrens' school's open house. The plan was that he would have someone drive him to the open house once he was done with salatul Jum3a and then we would go somewhere with the kids and his sister and spend some time together before he would have to go to work (he works nights now). I was so excited about just being with him and having a good time. Anyways before we took off with his sister and the kids to go to eat I asked him to stop by the Darusalam book store so I may get something. I decided to do a good deed to take away from my bad deeds (may Allah accept it from me) and buy Lisa the book so she may benefit from it as well. I gave him the book to give to her and we were on our way. Subhan Allah right as we were turning onto the street that the resturant was on a policewoman stopped us. She saw me with my niqab and him with his looooong beard and did a double take then followed us and pulled us over. We read many du3as hoping she would go away, but she didn't. When she stopped she asked for my husband's license and insurance. He had his license, but no insurance. OH OH!!!!! He got three tickets....One for a break light being out (He knew about it and didn't tell me), two for an expired inspection sticker (he forgot to get it done), and three for the insurance. The insurance was my fault according to him and it was the cause for a huuuuuuuuuge blow up. I regularly clean out my car and I don't know if I did or not, but supposedly I threw away the insurance paper. We didn't have insurance coverage because my husband gets it just so we can get the registration and then cancels the insurance. He said that even though the insurance was cancelled it says that it is covered until august on that paper that I supposedly got rid of. He knew the paper wasn't there and wallahi I don't remember doing anything with it, but it was all my fault all of a sudden. Anyways shaytan worked on him until he got to me. We screamed at one another like lunatics infront of the kids ( I feels o horrible about that) and infront of his sister. The day was ruined by him canceling our outing, I left him and the four girls and my sis-in-law and went walking to the nearest masjid. They looked for me all over the place, and then I got a friend of mine to finally take me home three hours later when he left for work. What a terrible end to a day which should have been special. You know what the best part of the day was that I had completely forgotten about???? It was today's khutbah. Too bad that when the fighting started the khutbah floated from my mind. It was about Qiyam il layl and asking from Allah with du3a. At the end of the khutbah the imam reminded us to make du3a for the son of a very precious friend of mine. A couple of weeks ago this sister found out that the eldest of her four children has cancer. Her son is 15 years old and he is suffering terribly from what I hear. They are not able to give him pain killers because they contain blood thinners and the medicine they are able to give him puts him to sleep and when he is not on the medication he twitches from pain all over his body. YA ALLAH!!! This all came without warning and it may be more serious than anyone expected. She is always saying alhamdulillah, but I am sure it is killing her to see her baby in so much pain. It makes my cry just thinking about it. I keep picturing one of my beautiful daughters going through this and I wonder.....Do I really want to trade my tests for this one? We will all be tested, but am I really ready to be tested through one of my children? NEVER. Being tested through my husband will be a piece of cake compared to that. May Allah not test me through my children. Ameen. I am scared to death of this, but if it happens then it is Qadr Allah and I will have to face it with strength, but to picture it is unbearable. It makes me feel ungrateful when my husband and I fight about such petty things such as the insurance. I should have just let him vent and kept quiet, but I didn't and shaytan won over me. I guess we were both losers. May Allah forgive us.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Yesterday my husband got my hopes up by telling me that things might be over between him and Lisa. I wanted to literally jump out of my seat, but I didn't. I asked him what had happened and we started talking as we used to, like friends. He really opened up to me although he has been very edgy lately and that made me feel really close to him. I miss the way our relationship used to be. Now he is soooo stressed due to finances and that's without him even paying her bills. It's frustrating to me, but I try to be understanding. Anyways he read me a part of a text message she wrote him that really pissed me off. She mentioned something to him about him not to come home and then she said something to the effect of, " I hope she will be woman enough for you." WHAT THE HELL???? I let it be and just continued the conversation with my husband. Anyways he was telling me things were coming to an end and his feelings about it and I really didn't want to get my hopes up too high. She can say anything out of anger and they can easily make up. We do it all the time. Anyways that's exactly what happened. I guess she cooled down, called him and told him she was going to pick him up from my house (it was her day). I was upset, but cooled off quickly. It's better to expect that they will be together forever so my heart doesn't break over and over again. This way I will just deal with coping. So when I got to the coping part I decided to write my husband a text message. I wrote :

ME: Whatever you decide to do concerning your marriage 2 her, I want you to know that I will support you even if u do not do what I hope. I am not going anywhere because you are worth a lot to me. Bahibak (I love you) Haboobi (my love).

Then she had the nerve to snoop in his phone and reply to me at 5:32 a.m. saying

HER: He is not doing what you're hoping too.

Well she ruined my morning and I wasn't about to keep quiet so I wrote her back and said

Me: Don't get too cocky now or I may just tell you some things u don't want to hear and then what I want 2 happen will.

Then I said.....

Me: Naughty naughty!!! Good wives don't snoop in their husband's phone. I thought you were woman enough and I'm not.

Then she replied back saying.....

Her: And where did you get the thing that you're not woman enough part? Clearly from his phone. And about the other message u can tell me whatever you want, I will not leave him unless the problem is within our relationship and I will stand by him no matter what too.

Me: Just for your info. I didn't snoop like you...He read me your messages.

Anyways he got mad at her for reading his messages and for replying to a message that wasn't even sent to her. Then he got mad at me for telling her that he read me her texts. Then he got mad at both of us for going back and forth and forbade us to text message eachother again. Then I got mad at her because of what she did and said. Then I got mad at him for not locking his phone like I told him, not controlling his wife, getting married to her in the first place, and for him getting mad at me. I told him I had enough. He has to choose between me and her. He said no one is going to give him an ultimatum. WANNA BET???? Anyways so today was full of a lot of fitnah, but the positive part is that she won't pick up the phone when he calls. AstaghfurAllah is it a sin to be happy about that??? She will pick up soon enough, but too soon for me.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

So now she and I are co-wives (whatever that means) and we're not on the best of terms. Like I said I felt our friendship was one-sided. I felt as if she was only really being my friend because she didn't want my husband to leave her. I was getting tired of always being the one to invite her out or the one to ask her to come over or the one to get her gifts and so on. I was tired of trying to make her feel like a part of my family, but when it was her days with my husband she would barely contact me.Sue me, but I am not used to being excluded from my husband's life. He is a part of my life. Then to make it worse she would get angry with my husband for things he would say to me and make me look really bad. Anyways I was fed up and then I stopped calling her. To some extent it felt better to not be around one another until I saw her one time at the masjid with my husband. She looked so sad and lonely and stupid naieve me felt the want to be-friend her again. I was with my husband's sister at the time and you could tell she felt left out. I really felt bad that day so I told my sister in law that I planned to ask her to come out with us somewhere. We invited her, but she would basically make excuses why she can't go. Then my husband explained to me that she didn't know what to expect with me because one day I want to be her friend and the next I don't. She saw it better to avoid fitnah and just stay away from eachother. Maybe she was right, but still I felt there were some things I needed to get off my chest and that we needed to talk.My husband spoke to her and convinced her to come out with us. I wanted to tell her why I do the things I do and my and so on. I wanted a chance to ask her the questions I never got the answers to such as "How could you do it to me?" I wanted to talk to her so it would be out and off my chest and then we would be able to try to work out the situation we are in. Hey let's face it.....if she is married to my husband then whether we like it or not, we will be linked as long as we're with him.

Anyways couple of weeks ago when we went to the mall with my sister in law she said she would contact me so we could talk and she never did. So I decided to write her a text message and here was our text conversation...

ME: U know what I find amazing? It's that u r treating me like I did something 2 u. U didn't reply to my text when u knew how hurt I am and u didn't meet with me as u said u would. It reminds me of an incident that happened almost a year ago when your ex-husband treated u the same way.I guess there is some truth when they say that the oppressed becomes like the oppressor.Anyways u don't have 2 worry about me anymore...I will soon be a non-issue. I've finally made my decision and this time I am sticking with it. Have a wonderful life. Salam

Her: Look at some point I was going to talk to you, first you send me a gift and then u send me a nasty message so make up your mind... I said I was sorry we tried to be friends and it didn't work. U decided to stop our relationship. U think that because I am the second wife I have no right to complain to him about anything. If I said I am sorry and we tried what else do you want me to do? Because leaving him I won't unless he wants to go.

Her: I know sorry is not enough but I tried to always protect your feelings. I never told the things he said to me or anything like that. And to be honest with you two days ago I was going to send u a message to tell you that I miss your friendship.

Me: All I can say is that neither of u understand the pain I am in. Both of you stuck me in a corner that I can't get out of. It would be a hardship on my kids to leave and it's a different hardship to stay. U say u won't leave him and I never expected that u would and that's why I finally made my decision 4 myself. When I was friends with you wallahi it was sincere, but I felt like it wasn't on your end. What would you have done in my situation? I doubt u would have handled it as nicely. And I too spared your feelings by not telling you the things my husband said, So that is proof that I wasn't being spiteful.

Me: I don't know what else to do and that's why I felt we needed to talk. But u don't care because u are happy. True happiness can't be attained at the expense of others.

Her: How do you know I am happy? U don't live with me to know. I know my relationship is not as hard as yours and u might say that I got into myself, but I'm not going to talk about my personal problems. Sorry if you feel what you feel.

Me: You know what my main problem is with you? It's that you sound like you have no remorse....It's almost as if the next thing you wanna say is 4 me to get over it. I didn't ask to know your personal life, but as u said...U knew what you were getting into. Anyways this can keep going back and forth that's why I wanted to talk face to face once and for all. Are u up to it?

Her: If you wanted to talk to me face to face then why did you send me a nasty message? And when one day infront of your mom u said that we would try to see if this relationship of the 3 of us would work....What did you think that if it was working for u I would stay with him and if it didn't I would leave? It's too late for that and If I have any remorse only Allah knows because if I have any that's who I ask for forgiveness. Only he knows how my heart is.

Her: Senseless to talk to you because everything I say is as if I have no remorse. Just because I married him doesn't mean I am a bad person

Me: I need to talk to you face to face. U are not Allah 2 know if it's senseless or not, but if our friendship meant anything to you then u would allow me to get the answers I need 4 closure and then u and him can go about your lives in peace from me.

Her: Our friendship? mmmm..... I guess I'll send u a message if I want to see you or if I think it's a good idea to talk insha Allah.

Me: U know what? Don't do me any favors. If you don't want to talk then that's fine. Just say so, but I'm not going to wait till u feel like seeing me or talking to me cause that day will never come.

Her: This is why I don't want to talk cuz of you always pointing the finger at me, just judging me u and your friends. That's why his sister never wanted to talk to me, but it's ok. Just like I deal with my own problems and sadness u do it too.

Me: What would you do if you were in the exact same situation as me?

Her: You and me are different. I don't want to say something and then you will think that that's what I wish you would do. ok salam

Me: I am not the reason why his sister doesn't want to talk to you. His family made up their minds about the marriage before even talking to me. You forget that I never lied about how it happened. It's not my fault it doesn't settle well with people. And just so you know people got over your marriage shocker and went back to living their own lives. Unfortunatly this is my life. But the truth is that u don't want to hear what I have to say.

Her: I am not afraid of you or what you have to say to me. His sister was very nice to me when we went to pick her up from the airport until the next time I saw her, but that's not important for me anymore. Like I said It's ok. It's so nice to point the fingers as if all of u were so perfect.

Me: Did I claim to be perfect? Wallahi his sister said she would feel that way towards a Jew who did it to another Jew. She told my husband it has nothing to do with me. Besides I felt bad for even talking about it to her and that's why we met with you. I didn't want her to only see the bad. As I told her....I don't hate you, I hate how it happened. Answer me plz....What would you do in my place?

Me:Listen wallahi I do not like the person I am becoming because of all of this. The messages today made me feel worse. I want to talk to you and clear some stuff up. Can you please give me that chance while he is at work tomorrow? Give me just one hour and then you can go and we never have to talk again.

No reply from her.


Me: As far as u and I are concerned, do you think things are better like this??? Yes or no?

Her: You're the one that decided this, not me. All because I got mad at him for swearing to you that he wouldn't come and see me that saturday when you were going to your mom which was unfair because you weren't going to be here.

Me: K that's partially true, but you still didn't answer my question.

Me: where did you go? U don't want to answer me or are u driving to work?

Her: Driving

Again no reply from her.

Another Day

Me: Salam Lisa...I recently joined a group online for muslimahs in polygamy and I have found it extremely helpful. I even started my own group and these have become and avenue of healing for me alhamdulillah. I am learning a lot through other people's stories and wallahi I will try my best to be patient. I sincerely apologize. I hope u understand that what I was going through was extremely hard. Just imagine "fairy girl" and how you felt about that. Imagine me. I would like for us not to be enemies afterall he will not leave us and we will not leave him. So now we have 2 make the best of this and not let shaytan win over us as I have let him. Again I am sorry. salam.

Her: I'm happy for you...and I never thought of you as my enemy, u did. and yes he will not leave us. salam.

Me:I know you didn't think of me as your enemy, but I think I put you in a position not to like me and that's what I meant.I just wanted you to know that I know I was wrong.
A few days later I cooled down and I decided to write her a letter asking her for forgiveness if I said anything when I was angry about her. She is a Muslim and I did not want to backbite her and cause sins on myself even if she had wronged me. I bought her a gift and tried to be the better person and not let shaytan win over me. I knew this was a test from Allah (swt) or a negative result from disobeying Allah's command to keep non-mahram men away from women. She wasn't very responsive to my letter and this caused me to get upset. Then my mother came to stay with my husband and me for a while and with some pressure from he two of us and support from his mother we tried to convince him that what he did was irrational and impulsive and it was going to ruin our family. After some pushing, he agreed that it may be the best thing to leave her. He fit guilt and didn't know how to do it. When he finally told her that he could no longer be with her she cried, threatened to leave Islam and to kill herself. She accused him of using her. LOL!!!! DUH! He told her that he felt guilt for not being able to support her financially, but she said that she didn't care about the money and that she was willing to work and pay her own bills and that he could help when he is able. When she knew it was too late to change his mind she asked to speak to me. When she came to speak with me and my mom I felt sooooo sorry for her. I am stupid, gullible and naive. We decided that maybe if we tried to be friends then it might work. We decided to try it and see how it goes. Many thoughts came to mind when she came over. I thought of the Companions and how I am no better than them and how doing the right the only way to please Allah (STW). I was afraid that if I forced my husband to divorce her then I would be blamed and eventually he would take her back behind my back. Lisa and I tried to be friends and it was very nice and we got along very well. We started seeing one another more than we saw our husband. We did chores together, cooked together, shopped together, went out and more. But all good things come to an end. When she got her own apartment shaytan started to play with my head. Her apartment in my mind solidified her relationship with him. I was not comfortable with him calling another place home. Shaytan's whispers told me that now it was going to be hard for my husband to divorce....now they can enjoy their privacy, and so on. I felt left out of their lives and I wasn't used to that. I didn't want them to have anything separate from me, if that makes any sense. She was my friend not his....and he was my husband not hers. It was weird being left out.To be completely honest, I am not jealous of her, but I miss my husband. I miss all the little things I took for granted. There are many things that happened between the stories which is too much to write. Anyways our friendship was short lived and now I am struggling with the ups and downs of polygny. So day to day I will vent on this blog and see where I eventually end up.
I wanted to leave! I hated him that day, but I didn't leave. I wanted revenge and I wanted justice and I wanted soooooooo badly to hurt the two of them as bad as they hurt me. One vivid memory of that day was the moment he saw me at his friend's gas station an hour or so after he told me the devastating news. He came to my van smiling and when I went crazy on him all he could say was, "I didn't sleep with her in haram?" Oh my God they slept together???? That hadn't even entered into my mind yet. Yeah of course they did because by this time they had been married a little over a month. "YOU ASSHOLE", I thought or maybe even said. I wanted to hit him in the face so bad, but I didn't. My friend was meeting me at the gas station to take me to her house and calm me down. I went to vent and to think. I wanted to leave, but leaving would only make it easy on them so I decided to stay for the mere fact of adding a financial burden on them. Now he would have to pay for the two of us.....GOOD LUCK!! He wants two wives, so let him pay for two wives. I didn't make these kids by myself and I damn sure wasn't about to destroy my life and the life of my children so that they can live happily ever after. But now the war is on!
December 26, 2005 : The worst day of my life. After my husband brought me the rose he went to sleep because he was exhausted from working all night ( so I thought). When he woke up from his sleep I prepared him breakfast and we sat together reading an e-mail I wrote him that night about how much I love and trust him and so on...blah..blah...blah... and before he left to work I asked him where I could meet him later so I can bring him lunch. Right after he took off I left the dishes I was washing and decided to call Lisa to apologize to her for the other day when I yelled at her. I started to feel guilty and I missed her. I wished that we hadn't ended things on bad terms. I was afraid that her eman would weaken as a result of our discord. I was her closest Muslim friend. I decided that I would call her and that's exactly what I did. Two minutes after my husband left I dialed her number and got her friend's answering machine. On the message I told her that I was just thinking about her and wanted to see how she was doing and for her to call me back when she got the message. Not even a minute passed when the phone rang. I thought it was her, but it wasn't....it was my husband. "What are you doing?" he said. That was an odd question to me considering he had just left the house five minutes prior to the phone call. I responded, "still doing the dishes. Why?" Then one of the kids screamed and normally he would go off, but this time he didn't. The stranger he acted the faster my heart beat in my chest. He asked me if I could go into my room so he could talk to me. Already I sensed that he was in contact with her because of how fast he called me after my phone call to her. I went into my room and asked him what was up. At this point I am feeling a bit weak with anticipation and then he says, "I want to tell you something, but please don't overreact......" I heard that and the screaming and crying started. I couldn't catch my breath and all I could get myself to say was "WHAT DID YOU DO? OH MY GOD WHAT DID YOU DO????" My heart wanted to burst and then I cried, "You married her didn't you?" All I heard was "Yes and it was before she came to talk to you." I was in utter shock! Shock isn't even the word to describe what I felt. I couldn't breath and I felt sooooo betrayed and humiliated. ALL LIES!!!! ALL LIES!!!
Too Late I didn't have a choice. The same day Lisa and I had our friends counsel with us we had a fall-out. I found out that she had, prior to coming to my house, called my husband and told him that I was bringing my friends over so they can talk to the two of us. I didn't understand why it was her place to tell him. I was soooooo angry that she had called him that I went off on her on the phone and kicked him out of the house. Later he and I made up, but I decided then and there that my focus had to be my husband so I wouldn't lose him. I had to show him that our marriage was worth saving and that if he married my friend he would certainly destroy it. Alhamdulillah I started to see him responding to my changes and our relationship started to improve. "This was easy, " I thought. Then a few days later my husband worked all night one night and came home with a rose for me. A ROSE!!!!! WOW!!! What I am doing must really be working because he is being soooooo sweet.....right???? WRONG. Guess again!!!
During this time my husband and I were going through a very rough time. I decided that my marriage needed a change and that I was a contributing factor to some of these problems. My husband always used to tell me not to give him a reason to find another wife and that he only loved me. All he really cared about was for me to show him love and affection. He wanted to be my priority, but honestly I wasn't used to seeing this type of marriage. My parents were not this way and I was very weary of men. I didn't trust men and in some ways I may have created the scenario that I feared the most. I knew that my stubbornness was going to result in me losing my husband to another woman. During this time I had a few friends who came to my house to counsel Lisa and me to convince her that it wouldn't work. We talked and talked and talked and once she saw how against the idea I was, she left my house very upset. I told her that my husband and I had to work on our marriage first before we add another person into the mix. I explained to her that our family barely see him as it is because he works a lot and that I didn't want to give up more time. Just as sex was an important issue for him, time was the most important issue for me. If this arrangement of him went through to get another wife then he would be getting more sex and I would be getting less time.....That is UNFAIR!!!! NO WAY I couldn't do it!!!!!

Monday, August 07, 2006

December 2005
I invited some of my friends one day for a picnic at the park across the street. Lisa came and brought her son and her friend's sons. The picnic was fun and everyone had a nice time, but as the day progressed I noticed Lisa was distant and deep in thought. Her reactions when I brought up my husband in subjects with my friends was strange as well. I felt her unease. I felt her depression and although I had an intuition as to what it was about I kept quiet and waited for her to speak. She drifted off in the middle of the picnic with the older daughter of the two from my husband and I and began to swing with her on the swing until my daughter fell asleep on her lap. I used this moment to go see what was on her mind. I can tell she wants to tell me something, but is hesitant. Her hesitance is making me nervous. I sat on the swing beside her and engaged her in conversation. I brought up the brother (Ahmed) who wanted to meet her and somewhere in the conversation she brought up polygamy. I told her that it would be hard for me to do it although I am not against it. I asked what was wrong because she was starting to worry me. She said, "Nothing.....There are some things on my mind I want to talk about, but maybe when you and I can be alone I will tell you." At this moment I knew, but continued to play stupid. I told her okay that I would arrange for my husband to watch the kids while she and I go and talk somewhere.
We were very excited at the chance of leaving the kids and getting away to talk alone, but we weren't sure if my husband would agree. To our amazement (but a part of his plan) he agreed.

We went home and sat in my room and I tried to ply it out of her. No one was with us so it was a good chance to talk in private and talk is exactly what she did. She was hesitant at first to speak up, but I told her it was okay and she could tell me whatever it was and that we are friends and she should trust me. I think this comforted her and she began to express that she had feelings for someone. I acted surprised and asked her who it was. She didn't want to say, but finally did. My heart was racing in my chest at this point because all my suspicions were about to be confirmed. She said my husband's name and admitted to me that she "likes" him. I acted shocked, but was laughing so she didn't see how uncomfortable I was hearing this. I started to ask her the when, how, and why questions. The answers weren't too clear, but enough to get the message across that she had interest in him. Not only did she have interest in him, but she told me that she is willing to be a co-wife if I was open to the idea. At this point I didn't know what to say. I told her my worries. I told her that financially it was not possible and that time would be difficult for me because I don't see him enough as it is. Those were my to main points aside from my personal insecurities. I told her we would discuss it more when we went out. My husband came home and we left.

We went to IHOP for a quiet setting. Lisa drank coffee and we shared a fruit crepe. We talked more about why I did not think it was a good idea. I was very nice about it and didn't say anything to hurt her feelings at all. I made sure that she understood that it was nothing personal against her, but at this point I didn't think I could do it. She told me that she would leave it at my discretion whether or not I told him about her feelings and what we talked about. She told me that if I tell him then the idea will enter his mind and he may be interested as well and act on it, but that if I chose not to mention it then she wouldn't say anything and that she would just keep away. We left it at that. So now it was up to me. When we went home he tried to pry out what we had talked about, but I could tell he already knew. It's a woman's 6th sense. What a blessing?!!! As she was about to leave my house that night my husband and I asked her to call us when she got home because it was late and we wanted to make sure she made it home safely. She told us that she wasn't going to call because she was still going to drive around some more and think and it would be too late. We told her we didn't care how late it was, but for her to call.

My husband and I were making love that night and finally she called........
from a payphone. Where was she? I answered and she told me that she was at a gas station (one that we knew was not too safe). When I told her to go home she said she didn't want to yet. At this point it was past midnight and my husband was visibly getting angry and he yelled, "Tell her to GO HOME!!!" At that moment my heart knew before I did.

A couple of days passed and I decided to call her. I was normal and making small talk when she told me indirectly and not so bluntly to basically, "Cut the shit....things aren't the same." She asked me if I had told him about what we talked about and I told her that I hadn't because I couldn't. As our conversation continued she started to make comments that made me weary. She mentioned two things specifically that stood out in my mind. #1 was that she could call him and tell him how she feels at anytime and see how he feels about it, but that she wouldn't do that to me and #2 was that her friend had asked her if she would ever marry him behind my back and her answer to her friend was that if she felt she was going to do something haram then yes she would. WHAT????? Excuse me....did I miss something here????

After this conversation I decided that I had to get two of them together and we all needed to talk about the situation as mature adults. I was terrified that she would go behind my back and tell him her feelings and I would be left out of the loop. I am not going to go into detail as to what was said, but to give you an idea....it was her expressing her feelings to him, I expressed my reluctance to them, he expressed his feelings towards her and how he was open to the idea, and in the end I was heart-broken. She left and then my husband and I were left walking on egg-shells.
Her Iddah is over; FINALLY!!!! She knew it was over, but didn't remind me. We had waited for this day for three months and she didn't even mention it. WEIRD???!!!! When I realized it on my own I called her and displayed my excitment, but to my surprise she wasn't as excited as I had expected. "Hey now you can meet brother Ahmed. Finally!" Still no excitment. What is wrong with her??? She was once anxious to meet brothers who were interested in marriage, but now the tune has changed. Another strange incident was when I asked my husband to arrange a meeting between her and the brother. At first he dodged what I said and when I kept pushing he said, "How about I give the brother her number and they can contact one another if they are interested?" I was like, "Are you kidding me? Who are you and what did you do to my husband?" That was not something he would ever say.....very out of character. Now the blinkers in my head were turning on, but still no confrontations. I knew something was up, but all I could do is stay silent. Subhan Allah!!!
Ramadan came and we had a great time. We gathered at my house and the houses of other sisters. We ate future at the masjid almost every night. During this time I started noticing brief moments of flirtation between my husband and Lisa. I made the mistake of not keeping them completely separate; not that they were always together either, but enough to ignite feelings I guess. I thought that oh as long as I am constantly there in their presence nothing would happen and it wouldn't count as khilwa. WRONG!!!!! Stupid...Stupid....Stupid. I used to out of total stupidity have her call my husband for me to ask him if we could go to such and such a place because I wanted to avoid arguments with him. The three of us would eat suhoor together before fajr and sometimes when he had time he would give her mini Islamic lessons. They used to talk when it had to do with finding her a job or a husband or about fixing her car or about her son. Even though I sensed something more happening I didn't confront him about it.....Which is totally out of character for me. Later I started noticing her distancing herself from me. She didn't come over EVERYDAY anymore and didn't spend the night EVERYNIGHT anymore. You'd think that would be enough of a clue, but I am a very naive person. I had a feeling something was cookin, but tried not too think about it too much because I knew it wouldn't go anywhere......Or so I thought!!! During this time Lisa started staying with her non-Muslim best-friend and had to help her friend with her kids by picking them up from school and dropping them off and her sons school was closer to her friend then to my house so it wasn't too far off for her to stay there.

Oct. 23, 2005 was the first day of the last ten days of Ramadan and also the day Allah (swt) blessed me with my fourth beautiful baby girl. It was a great night and she was supposed to be there, but she was too sick and unable to make it. I didn't see her until a few days later and then we went back to our regular routine of hanging out.

I couldn't wait for the day when her iddah from her ex-husband would be over so she would be able to re-marry again and start her life anew. I wanted her happiness and I knew that she was in need of companionship and a chance at a fresh start . My husband was actively trying to find her a husband, but had to wait to pursue any kind of a meeting between her and potential husbands due to the fact that she was still in her waiting period. I couldn't wait for that day and neither could she.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Every marriage has it's problems, but I would say my marriage was reasonable. Yes, I've had my share of issues, arguments, and misunderstandings, but what marriage doesn't? I believe that all the problems my husband and I had in our marriage were normal. Let's see what his major complaints about me were....

1. I do not baby him enough (what a baby!!!!)
2. I don't cook ( fixed....he taught me how)
3. I do not iron (sue me! I don't like it, but I'll do it if he asks)
4. Not enough intecourse (is the average of 4 times a week or more too little when you are nine months preggo and have three other youngins?)
5. He doesn't like the tone I argue in....says I get an attitude and I get loud (don't all people when they are mad?)
6. I do not have my kids on a schedule when it comes to eating and I feed them junk (I admit I have to fix that)

That's basically it.....Are those things that detrimental to a marriage? I don't think so. I didn't ignore his complaints and I worked to change, but I guess I didn't work fast enough.

I have my own complaints about him, but I will not expose his sins. Overall though I love my husband and I love sharing my life with him and ultimatly the only things I wanted was for him to tone his temper and to give us more quality time. I am not one who wants material things from a marriage....I want a marriage. I want a companion and a father to my children.

I have two daughters from a previous marriage and two daughters from my husband and he has two sons from a previous marriage and our two daughters. He is a good father in some aspects and not in others, but he's got excellent potentional. He fears Allah (alhamdulillah) and he knows how to treat his wife. He has always been good to me and always fulfilled my rights in Islam and more and I owe him a lot of respect. I know he loves me and my family and alhamdulillah we have a bond that no one can break.
August 24, 2005, The day my life changed. My husband came home from work and we were talking about his day (as we usually did)when he asked me to guess what had happened that day. So I asked him, "What?" He said that his friend had left lisa. I was shocked. I had just talked to her a few days before and she told me that everything was fine and she didn't know why her husband would tell my husband that anything was wrong. Shortly after he told me what happened, the phone rang. He ignored the call so I asked him who it was. He said it was Lisa, but he didn't want to pick up the phone because her husband had lied to her and told her in a goodbye letter saying that he is leaving town and told my husband not to tell her where he was. My husband knew where he was and was afraid she would ask and he wouldn't be able to lie to her. I told him that it was really mean of him and that he needed to call her back.

She called and called and he wouldn't answer the phone. With some pushing I finally convinced him to call her. She was hysterical. She was crying so much he couldn't understand her and didn't know what to do. Her husband had left her while she was at work. He packed every item he owned in her house, left her a note and moved out. To make matters worse she had no idea he was going to leave. Their daily routine was the same. They made their plans for later and he even called her to tell her he loves her at work. She didn't suspect a thing, but was distraught as she discovered all of his belongings missing after she returned home from work.

My husband calmed her down and reassured her that her husband did not leave town as he told her in the letter and he would see what is going on. He told her that I will come and see her and make sure she is okay and if she needed any help we would be there. Don't forget he is her wali and that's what they do. I went to her and she was in tears lying in bed sick in the dark. She looked horrible and depressed and her son was alone in the living room not knowing what to do or to say to help her. We spoke and she showed me the letter and we decided that she should come and stay with me in my apartment until she felt better. I didn't want to leave her and her son after seeing her in her condition. We knew from her ex-husband that she has had suicidal attempts. She came home with me and we talked and talked and talked.

This was the best chance for me to make da3wa to her. I used this opportunity while she was weak to help her implement Islam. We tried to reconcile with her ex-husband, but it was to of no avail. He went from following her like a love-sick puppy to "not loving her as a wife" as he so eloquently put it. ....sigh....He had his reasons for leaving, but the way he left was unacceptable. It was really hard for her to understand, but it was the qadr of Allah.

As time passed she started to heal and our friendship developed into a strong bond. We were always together. I was 9 months pregnant with my 4th daughter and was moving to a house and she helped me out a lot. I enjoyed her company and talked to her about Islam whenever I could. She started wearing the hijab and her eman was strengthened alhamdulillah. She was beautiful and I truly loved her for the sake of Allah.

We were always together. It hurt her too much to go back to her old apartment because it reminded her of him so she stayed with me and came with me to our new house. It was nice having her around. we moved her belongings to storage and got her out of her lease. During this time she decided to stop going to work. First it was because she was depressed and later because she didn't want to work in a place where she would be involved with riba. She worked for a mortgage company, but never returned to it since the day he left her.

By the help of Allah through my husband, her affairs were handled. The sadaqa's were flowing for her....masha Allah. My husband helped by getting her storage, fixing her car, trying to get her a job, and seeing if people could finacially offer her help. And alhamdulillah she was taken care of.
The first day I heard of her, but not the first day we met. One day my husband and I were visiting his children where they lived with their mom approx. 60 miles away from us. As we were dropping his children back at home after our picnic a friend of my husband's had called. From what I understood of the conversation his friend was facing a personal dilema. To marry or not to marry? That was the question.

A short while later my husband filled me in on the details of the mysterious phone call. Apparently his friend was dating a 25 year old woman with an 11 year old son(unfortunatly as many muslim men do here in the states) and wanted to marry her, but she was not muslim and had little interest in religion at all. He didn't know if he should leave her or not. He loved her and was very confused because he knew he could not continue a realtionship with her due to it being haram. He called my husband for advice and my husband's advice in summary was to try to leave her unless she was willing to become a Muslim.

This was the last I heard of her until a month later. On. Dec. 20, 2004 my husband came home with wonderful news. His friend got married to the same woman, my husband acted as her wali, and she accepted Islam in her life. She converted and married on the same day alhamdulillah. It was truly a blessing from Allah (swt).

After the great news my husband informed me that I must keep in touch with her and make da3wa. He said I needed to welcome her and teach her the do's and don'ts in Islam. He wanted me to teach her how to pray and so on. I was more than happy to do this. Time went on and I never met her, but I heard about her through a friend of mine. Let's rename my friend dawlat so as not to confuse the reader.

Here is the day we met.....One day I was with my friend dawlat, my daughters and step-daughter outside the gas station where dawlat's husband and the woman's husband worked, when a car pulled up beside us. I saw a woman inside a car and admired her hair to my step-daughter. When the woman came out of her car and entered into the gas station dawlat informed me that this was the wife of my husband's friend.....So finally this was my chance to meet her.

Let's give her a name too.....hmmmmm......Her name will be lisa. Dawlat introduced me to lisa and told her that my husband was the one who married her to her husband. We had a brief and awkward meeting I assume because I was wearing my niqab and she was still new to Islam. Anyways we met and then went about our business.

Our next meeting.....My husband comes home one day and informs me that we will be visiting his friend and lisa in their home to congratulate them on their marriage and this will be my chance to get to know her and make da3wa to her. Ok no problem; my pleasure. We met and we talked and masha Allah she was a sweet girl. I knew we would get along insha Allah.

I met with her several times after this day in my home. I invited her and her son over as well as a friend of hers. Whenever she would come over we would discuss various aspects in Islam and she made it clear that she believes in Islam, but that three things she didn't want to have anything to do with....The hijab (especially the abaya), the niqab, and polygamy. These were on the black list for her and I understood that her level of knowledge in Islam was limited and it would take time for her to understand these subjects. I tried to express the positives as much as I could so as to open her mind.

Anyways our friendship was limited, but we were nice to one another when we saw eachother. We chatted a few times online while she was at work. We got along pretty well, but didn't develop a strong bond. I would ask about her every now and then and my husband and dawlat would inform me of certain problems she had with her husband. Nothing major was happening, but my husband asked me to make sure she was ok because her husband was having a hard time getting her to dress modestly and getting her to pray. She didn't talk much about her problems because this is the type of person she is, but what she did say was the opposite of what her husband was telling us. I offered her help if she needed it, but she informed me that everything was fine. Anyways there was friction in the air and it would soon be exposed.