Thursday, July 22, 2010

Here again. Feeling down, depressed and overwhelmed!!! I love all 6 of my girls, but I don't want to raise them alone. Even though I didn't divorce my husband I am still feeling alone. Now he lives an hour and a half away working like a dog to support two wives who don't even live with him. A part of me wants to be this supportive and appreciative wife to him because he is working to take care of his responsibilities. Another part of me wants to tell him to get over here and help me raise the kids he made too. I didn't tell him to take on more responsibilities than he can handle; so why should the kids and I pay the price? Lisa got into her relatinship fully aware he was not able to financially support two wives. My main opposition towards him getting married was the fact that he would not have enough time for his family. Keep in mind this was my opposition minus 2 kids ago. I feel so trapped. I can't leave and I don't want to stay. I am lonely. I want a companion by my that too much to freakin ask for???? Really is too much to want your husband to come home every night to your family? Forget the issues I had with her. I am actually talking to her now and our relationship is much better. This is a seperate issue. This is a matter of what I want and what I need. It's not personal towards him or her. Well partially I guess I hold them responsible. I do. I'm not going to deny that sometimes I get upset that their decisions uprooted my life and my kids lives. And I know people ask..." Well why did you have more kids with him then?" But truly I did not plan it and tried to prevent it, but in the long what Allah Wills is what will be. So now I am left trying to raise 6 girls with the help of friends and my mom.I am truly blessed to at least have them in my life. But what about his accountability towards us? I didn't get married to have someone financially support me and my girls. I was ok before alhamdulilah.I got married to have a partner and a father for them. I like to think we deserve better.