I forgot to mention that my husband forbid Lisa and I from talking to one another. You all didn't know, but for five months Lisa and I hadn't spoken to one another aside from the time her son's appendix ruptured and I went to go visit him in the hospital. We were civil. My husband loved it that way. He was in less trouble that way.
Anyways recently she babysat my kids when I really needed someone and it gave us a chance to talk. We talked and decided we wanted to try being friends again. He didn't like that idea because she always take things that I say and argues with him about it.Mind you most of it when it gets back to me is out of context. Well when he finally agreed to let us try again....she did it again.
She tells him everything and so he assumes I am this huge blabber mouth. Whatever!!! She told me lots of things that were HUGE that I never even mentioned to him. He made her swear not to tell me something.....and she did.....and he never knew about it until she told him that I knew. And this was something big that I could have gotten upset over, but I didn't tell him because I promised I wouldn't. Anyways I was upset at first because he forbid us from talking, but later I saw his point. I talk to her just like I would talk to any of my friends and maybe that is a mistake. Things are not like before. I am very naive and I guess that is just my nature. You have seen it happen many times over and over on this blog where I set myself up for disappointment.
I did come to the realization though that I am not against polygamy. I do think it has a lot of advantages as opposed to the disadvantages, but you have to have three things.....#1 A reassuring husband #2 Involved father with the children #3 a co-wife who is helpful. I am not saying it is mandatory for her to help me, but it would be a gesture of good faith and kindness. Let's not forget the reward one gets anyways for helping their sister in Islam. But I guess that's just wishful thinking, but I do catch myself sometimes wishing for a third wife who can help me out. lol!!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
So Lately I have been reading The My Two Wives blog and I really enjoy it. I remember a while back I responded on my blog to someone who suggested that the man is probably not being completely honest because he said he cannot honestly say that he loves one wife over the other. I disagreed with that and I started reading his blog and found him to be very genuine. I wish my husband was smart enough to have not told his other wife that he loved her more than me because that only gave satan an opening to play with my head. Even if it wasn't true, even if he starts loving me more or us equally.....I will never believe him. And I will always have insecurity. I do feel very insecure right now and the only one that can help that is my husband. I always thought that it was possible for a man to love two at the same time, but maybe not in my case. I always question myself now.....Am I really that bad of a wife? Is something wrong with me? Am I missing something? I think I am a good person and my husband always attests to that, but why do I feel so low? Because of these doubts I have begun to emotionally dis attach myself from my husband. This has caused a wedge in our marriage that I am not sure can be repaired. I cannot compete with Lisa. She is his escape. Yes I give him family, but she gives him marriage. She does not have the amount of responsibilities that I have. She is able to tend to his every need with simplicity. They are both getting the best of polygamy and I am not. I am the only one that lost anything. Well the kids did too. We lost time. If it was not for my kids I don't know where I would be. I feel bad though, because of all this mess I have not been in the best of moods and therefore have not been able to give them my all. I feel like a failure in all aspects of my life. Not a good wife and not a good mother.