Wednesday, August 09, 2006

So now she and I are co-wives (whatever that means) and we're not on the best of terms. Like I said I felt our friendship was one-sided. I felt as if she was only really being my friend because she didn't want my husband to leave her. I was getting tired of always being the one to invite her out or the one to ask her to come over or the one to get her gifts and so on. I was tired of trying to make her feel like a part of my family, but when it was her days with my husband she would barely contact me.Sue me, but I am not used to being excluded from my husband's life. He is a part of my life. Then to make it worse she would get angry with my husband for things he would say to me and make me look really bad. Anyways I was fed up and then I stopped calling her. To some extent it felt better to not be around one another until I saw her one time at the masjid with my husband. She looked so sad and lonely and stupid naieve me felt the want to be-friend her again. I was with my husband's sister at the time and you could tell she felt left out. I really felt bad that day so I told my sister in law that I planned to ask her to come out with us somewhere. We invited her, but she would basically make excuses why she can't go. Then my husband explained to me that she didn't know what to expect with me because one day I want to be her friend and the next I don't. She saw it better to avoid fitnah and just stay away from eachother. Maybe she was right, but still I felt there were some things I needed to get off my chest and that we needed to talk.My husband spoke to her and convinced her to come out with us. I wanted to tell her why I do the things I do and my and so on. I wanted a chance to ask her the questions I never got the answers to such as "How could you do it to me?" I wanted to talk to her so it would be out and off my chest and then we would be able to try to work out the situation we are in. Hey let's face it.....if she is married to my husband then whether we like it or not, we will be linked as long as we're with him.

Anyways couple of weeks ago when we went to the mall with my sister in law she said she would contact me so we could talk and she never did. So I decided to write her a text message and here was our text conversation...

ME: U know what I find amazing? It's that u r treating me like I did something 2 u. U didn't reply to my text when u knew how hurt I am and u didn't meet with me as u said u would. It reminds me of an incident that happened almost a year ago when your ex-husband treated u the same way.I guess there is some truth when they say that the oppressed becomes like the oppressor.Anyways u don't have 2 worry about me anymore...I will soon be a non-issue. I've finally made my decision and this time I am sticking with it. Have a wonderful life. Salam

Her: Look at some point I was going to talk to you, first you send me a gift and then u send me a nasty message so make up your mind... I said I was sorry we tried to be friends and it didn't work. U decided to stop our relationship. U think that because I am the second wife I have no right to complain to him about anything. If I said I am sorry and we tried what else do you want me to do? Because leaving him I won't unless he wants to go.

Her: I know sorry is not enough but I tried to always protect your feelings. I never told the things he said to me or anything like that. And to be honest with you two days ago I was going to send u a message to tell you that I miss your friendship.

Me: All I can say is that neither of u understand the pain I am in. Both of you stuck me in a corner that I can't get out of. It would be a hardship on my kids to leave and it's a different hardship to stay. U say u won't leave him and I never expected that u would and that's why I finally made my decision 4 myself. When I was friends with you wallahi it was sincere, but I felt like it wasn't on your end. What would you have done in my situation? I doubt u would have handled it as nicely. And I too spared your feelings by not telling you the things my husband said, So that is proof that I wasn't being spiteful.

Me: I don't know what else to do and that's why I felt we needed to talk. But u don't care because u are happy. True happiness can't be attained at the expense of others.

Her: How do you know I am happy? U don't live with me to know. I know my relationship is not as hard as yours and u might say that I got into myself, but I'm not going to talk about my personal problems. Sorry if you feel what you feel.

Me: You know what my main problem is with you? It's that you sound like you have no remorse....It's almost as if the next thing you wanna say is 4 me to get over it. I didn't ask to know your personal life, but as u said...U knew what you were getting into. Anyways this can keep going back and forth that's why I wanted to talk face to face once and for all. Are u up to it?

Her: If you wanted to talk to me face to face then why did you send me a nasty message? And when one day infront of your mom u said that we would try to see if this relationship of the 3 of us would work....What did you think that if it was working for u I would stay with him and if it didn't I would leave? It's too late for that and If I have any remorse only Allah knows because if I have any that's who I ask for forgiveness. Only he knows how my heart is.

Her: Senseless to talk to you because everything I say is as if I have no remorse. Just because I married him doesn't mean I am a bad person

Me: I need to talk to you face to face. U are not Allah 2 know if it's senseless or not, but if our friendship meant anything to you then u would allow me to get the answers I need 4 closure and then u and him can go about your lives in peace from me.

Her: Our friendship? mmmm..... I guess I'll send u a message if I want to see you or if I think it's a good idea to talk insha Allah.

Me: U know what? Don't do me any favors. If you don't want to talk then that's fine. Just say so, but I'm not going to wait till u feel like seeing me or talking to me cause that day will never come.

Her: This is why I don't want to talk cuz of you always pointing the finger at me, just judging me u and your friends. That's why his sister never wanted to talk to me, but it's ok. Just like I deal with my own problems and sadness u do it too.

Me: What would you do if you were in the exact same situation as me?

Her: You and me are different. I don't want to say something and then you will think that that's what I wish you would do. ok salam

Me: I am not the reason why his sister doesn't want to talk to you. His family made up their minds about the marriage before even talking to me. You forget that I never lied about how it happened. It's not my fault it doesn't settle well with people. And just so you know people got over your marriage shocker and went back to living their own lives. Unfortunatly this is my life. But the truth is that u don't want to hear what I have to say.

Her: I am not afraid of you or what you have to say to me. His sister was very nice to me when we went to pick her up from the airport until the next time I saw her, but that's not important for me anymore. Like I said It's ok. It's so nice to point the fingers as if all of u were so perfect.

Me: Did I claim to be perfect? Wallahi his sister said she would feel that way towards a Jew who did it to another Jew. She told my husband it has nothing to do with me. Besides I felt bad for even talking about it to her and that's why we met with you. I didn't want her to only see the bad. As I told her....I don't hate you, I hate how it happened. Answer me plz....What would you do in my place?

Me:Listen wallahi I do not like the person I am becoming because of all of this. The messages today made me feel worse. I want to talk to you and clear some stuff up. Can you please give me that chance while he is at work tomorrow? Give me just one hour and then you can go and we never have to talk again.

No reply from her.


Me: As far as u and I are concerned, do you think things are better like this??? Yes or no?

Her: You're the one that decided this, not me. All because I got mad at him for swearing to you that he wouldn't come and see me that saturday when you were going to your mom which was unfair because you weren't going to be here.

Me: K that's partially true, but you still didn't answer my question.

Me: where did you go? U don't want to answer me or are u driving to work?

Her: Driving

Again no reply from her.

Another Day

Me: Salam Lisa...I recently joined a group online for muslimahs in polygamy and I have found it extremely helpful. I even started my own group and these have become and avenue of healing for me alhamdulillah. I am learning a lot through other people's stories and wallahi I will try my best to be patient. I sincerely apologize. I hope u understand that what I was going through was extremely hard. Just imagine "fairy girl" and how you felt about that. Imagine me. I would like for us not to be enemies afterall he will not leave us and we will not leave him. So now we have 2 make the best of this and not let shaytan win over us as I have let him. Again I am sorry. salam.

Her: I'm happy for you...and I never thought of you as my enemy, u did. and yes he will not leave us. salam.

Me:I know you didn't think of me as your enemy, but I think I put you in a position not to like me and that's what I meant.I just wanted you to know that I know I was wrong.


Mumina said...

Asalaam alaikum,

Thanks for sharing your story - I'm just getting into it after someone referred the link to me.

I think the whole thing between the hubby and the co-wife was very shady, and I do not respect women who can do this to their sisters in Islam.

3rd... said...

I think Lisa is way too disrespectful to you - really.. our husband NEVER accepted this kind of behaviour towards 1st. Whenever he feels she is crossing a line he tells her immediately but he feels very strongly that its not our place to do that. I think your husband should set a clearer hierarchy.

Anonymous said...

I'm a muslim male working in Europe. I read what you wrote and growing up in a family where polygyny was practiced i feel you are a very very strong woman to handle this situation. Despite hitting my early thirties and doing well overall in life, i stil lfeel i wasn't loved. But in contrast to your situation my father loved his other wife and kids a lot and neglected us completely. I hope your kids grow up with a lot more love from their father than i did.