Saturday, July 28, 2007

So here I am once again. It's been a little hectic around here and therefore it's been pretty difficult to get the time to sit and write. Now that the kids are out of school.....they are driving me nuts. Don't get me wrong. I love the kids and would rather have the chaos than nothing at all, but it's a little overwhelming.

So once again I am preparing to move and once again it is at the end of my pregnancy. For some reason I always move in my last month of pregnancy. This is my third time subhan Allah. I am almost 34 weeks pregnant so 3 more weeks till I am full-term insha Allah and then the real excitement begins.

It hasn't been too difficult because I am very blessed alhamdulillah. I have a wonderful husband who supports me and my daughters, I have beautiful healthy children, I have wonderful friends who do their best to take care of me and the kids when my husband is not available, I have a co-wife who at the drop of a hat helps me when I need help, and I come from a very respectable family who love me and are always there when I need them. Alhamdulillah I am surrounded by good people and in this life that is so important. What's better than that??? When I think of those people who do not have anybody to turn to it makes me sooooo grateful for what I have.

Speaking of being grateful. It has come up several times recently where people on the blog and people in my life have mentioned that they believe that I am living in denial. They say that I am truly not content on the inside, but am just trying to make the best of things because I have no other choice. I have been thinking a lot about that and have come to reflect upon why they have such a view. In some way I see where these people are coming from. There may be some truth to it, but it is not complete truth. Here is the reality of it......I cannot be strong all the time. I will not be happy everyday of my life. I will not have everything that I need and I will most certainly not have everything that I want. I will probably have as many down days as I do up. Life will be difficult and That's ok!!!!! All of these things are ok. Life is not going to be custom made for me. I have to take things as they come. I am tested with something and someone else will be tested with something else and each test is unique to each individual. Through these blogs and through witnessing the hardships of others we can use experiences to learn about life and relationships.

I considered giving up my blog many times, but I decided once and for all not to do it. I want people to take what they can from my experience. I know some people think I am crazy and others see themselves in my struggle.....either way each person is developing their own opinions and perspective which is always a positive thing. Even if you have no relation to what I have experienced you will still experience some critical thinking. I am saying my experience in the hopes that I can be of benefit to someone else and if I can do that for just one person then all that I went through was worth it. And I am not intending to be too dramatic and didn't really go through too much considering what others are going through. Alhamdulillah my husband didn't leave me for another woman. He is able to be there for me when I need him. He provides for me and my children. My husband still spoils me and shows me affection. My husband has grown very appreciative of me.....even more so after marrying Lisa. Alhamdulillah my husband is equal and fair. I am really blessed to have him in my life even through difficulty. He is worth it to me. And I hope that if I ever make a mistake in our marriage that he too will stand by me because we love one another and feel that over all we have something worth preserving.

Please don't forget that as I learn and grow from my husband too is learning and growing from his own experiences. Maybe he wasn't very wise in the way he took another wife, but all in all I think he too has had to make adjustments and rearrange his life. It hasn't all been easy for him either, and hey that's life. Allah is Just. Through this experience my husband and I have grown closer in some ways. Yes the relationship has changed, but it has matured as well. It has shown us what we really mean to one another and what our marriage can stand through. Our marriage is more solid now than it has ever been walhamdulillah.

Am I in denial???? lol. So what if I am???? I do not think that I am in denial. I think shaytan will make me doubt my sincerity so I can give up all together, but I won't do that. I will not give myself a pity party, because that is what shaytan wants. So what if my husband took another wife????? My husband is not my life....sorry but he's not. This dunia is very deceiving and my husband is a part of this dunia as is everything else. I am obligated to do what is right in the sight of Allah (swt). I will be judged and he (my husband) will be judged and Lisa will be judged. We will not be held accountable for what the others did. I will not be held to account for my husband nor will he be held to account for me. It's fend for yourself!!!! He has not fallen short in his Islamic obligations alhamdulillah and I will not either insha Allah. My duty is to my family for Allah's sake. I will not take my husband with me in my grave, but I will take my deeds. Even if I am in least it's working. I never heard of a hadeeth where Allah punishes anyone for seeing the bright side......Have you??? ; )