Tuesday, March 06, 2007

As salamu alikum dear beautiful sisters.... Believe it or not, I was actually contemplating whether or not I should continue my blog. The reason is that I think I have misrepresented my husband's image on here and I feel extremely guilty about that. I know I haven't responded to comments in a long time, but I have been reading them. I feel sad that I have given some sisters the impression that my husband was a bad husband when in fact he is a wonderful husband. Yes, he has his faults, but we all have our faults. I am faaaaaaaaar from perfect.....in fact I am sure if my husband was to start his own blog talking about his marriage to me then I am sure many people would be questioning whether or not he should even stay with me. lol.

See I am just writing my experience as it happens or as I remember it, but I am writing it from my perspective. My husband might have a whole different spin on things. That's what a marriage is......two different people seeing things from two different views and just trying to play along. My husband alhamdulillah does fear Allah, as do I. Does he always obey Allah? No.....and neither do I all the time because I am human, but do we fear Him? Heck YES!!!

My husband is a religious man. Yes he has his faults, but he tries his best to please Allah (swt). Here are some examples. My husband masha Allah prays fajr in Jama3a and tries his best to pray all five prayer in the masjid in jama3a. My husband does not deal in riba (interest) at all. My husband is honest when it comes to his work and even if he can lie and make more money his fear of Allah prevents him from doing that. My husband does not hang out with his many friends....My husband goes from masjid, to work, to home. My husband alhamdulillah loves his kids and has raised four girls that are not even biologically his and treats them as if they were his own. My husband is not too proud to admit when he is wrong and will apologize if he wrongs you. My husband spoils his wife.... or wives and is very affectionate with them. He calls several times a day to make sure we are ok and do not need anything. My husband has been coming to my house to pick up my girls whether it is my day or not to take my girls to school which is across the street so I wouldn't have to wake up the little ones and take them along and if he is not able to do it then he will find me someone who will. He is a hard worker and starts his day from after fajr and doesn't get home until after maghrib.....sometimes even after Isha. He fears Allah in his treatment of both Lisa and I and Masha Allah as I tell everyone.....If there is any man that I have seen be just as far as polygyny goes.....it is alhamdulillah my husband. I can go on and on, but you get my point. If you think this is all good then please say Masha Allah. It is for Allah's sake that he is this way.

I never meant to make him look bad. If he wasn't a good man then I wouldn't be wanting him all for myself. If he wasn't a good man then I wouldn't be missing him like crazy. If he wasn't a good man then I wouldn't be wishing he was with the kids more often. It is because he is a good man that I was so hurt by his wanting another wife. To be quite honest my husband spoils me more than I deserve. He begged me to give him the affection that he needed so he would never want to get another wife....He always told me I was all he wants and all he needs. His requests were so easy to fulfill, but I didn't know how to open up and trust him because I had been hurt too many times. Well look at what happened.....I ended up creating what I feared to happen, but as a muslimah I say,"Qadar Allah wa ma sha fa3ala." It was just meant to be and Allah wants me with this man and Allah wants to test me and make sure that I appreciate him. I think I appreciate him now more than I ever did when it was just me and him, but then again recently he has changed for the better in a lot of ways.

My husband and I got into a serious discussion and he asked me if he was lacking when it comes to providing for me, or giving me what I want or need. He bends over backwards to accommodate me and yet I have all this pride in me that won't let go of his marriage to her. He tells me that this is from shaytan and to stop listening to him. I told him that he didn't understand how it feels to not be able to compete with Lisa. I told him, "I can't compete with her no matter what." All her time is just for him. She can be the wife that he wants and he needs at any time, but I am not able to because I have other people to tend to. He told me that I was not in a competition with her and that he would never compare me to her. He reminded me that as mad as he's gotten at me and as big of fights as we have gotten into he never said you don't do this and she does that. That is true.....He has never mentioned her in that way to me. As a matter of fact he tries his best not to mention her at all to avoid any fitnah. So he reassured me in his own way that I am special to him and to stop pushing him away and I told him that I needed his constant reassurance because shaytan will always be on my back.

Before this talk we were growing sooooooo far apart. We barely talked, we felt awkward and uncomfortable around one another and sometimes didn't even sleep in the same bed, but alhamdulillah we had a wonderful night together last night and I really realize that I am truly blessed to have him in my life. Lisa is my friend and he is also my friend and I don't want to throw those friendships away. We all have our faults and we all make mistakes. This blog is not to bad mouth my husband or to gossip about him. This blog is to remind myself of what I have been through, what I am going through, and insha Allah later I will be able to see in which way I progressed in my life. This is my space to vent when I am sad, angry or insecure so maybe a lot of the things I say will not be very positive, but then again you will see the other side too when I pick myself up from the pity party and get my eman boost and start to see things in a positive light. This is your space to learn from my experience, my weaknesses, my strengths and insha Allah maybe...just maybe something that I say will strike you in some way and I might be a source of comfort. There is ease after polygyny walhamdulillah. Our goal in this life is to please Allah (swt) and I ask for His forgiveness if I have wronged my husband, myself, Lisa or anyone else in this blog by this blog. I will continue to blog though because I hope my experiences will eventually be of benefit to someone, somewhere out there.