Thursday, February 15, 2007

Man O' Man am I glad to be back.....again! I had to go through 323 e-mail messages today, so you can imagine I haven't been online at all for a while. Let me update you on the new developments. I had a a small scare a few days after my last post. I had to go to the emergency room because I started bleeding and thought I was possibly miscarrying. I know it is normal for some women to bleed while pregnant, but not for me alhamdulillah. I have had four kids and never bled, but alhamdulillah it was a false alarm and nothing to worry about. I have been extremely sick though. I was nautious and weak and needed a lot of help. I am anemic so it makes things all the more difficult. Then imagine adding the responsiblities that come with four kids under the age of 7 so! Fun!! Ya Allah I needed so much help. Another thing is that my husband started working until 7 rather than coming home around 4 and usually he doesn't actually make it home till about 8:30 p.m. Alhamdulillah though I have good friends who tried to help me as much as they could and my husband too alhamdulillah. One of those friends is Lisa. Masha Allah she came and helped me a few times now that she quit her job. Honestly I was expecting her to come more often, but hey alhamdulillah for anything. She is not obligated to help me in any way, but she did. She took me to go get insurance and to the doctor alhamdulillah. Even my husband masha Allah has been super great in trying to help me out. I am getting better now, but to be honest I am emotionally drained.With everything from the past year, the stresses from every day life and the pregnancy I feel worn out. I feel depressed a lot.....probably more to do with hormones, but I am still very overwhelmed and need much more help and support then people are able to give me. Because of this I have decided to move to the city where my mom lives which is 3 and a half hours from here. Insha Allah I plan to move after the girls' school is over with at the end of may. I originally planned on moving after the baby was born, but my lease is over with in may as well so I might as well go and spend the summer there too. My husband and I do plan to stay married insha Allah and he will come to see us whenever he has the chance. Being around my mom is a good influence on the kids (they are happier there), My mom is a great Iman booster for me (which is something I desperately need), and the town is quiet and safe. My husband doesn't really need me anymore. Lisa does everything and more. I feel sad a lot of the times because I see her taking better care of him than I am able to. Yeah I know it's easier for her because she doesn't have any children, but still. It hurts me because it makes me feel as if she is the wife and I am ........hmmmmmmm.....I don't know what I am. Sometimes I feel I am just here so he can see the kids, but even now he doesn't see them very often so it doesn't make a difference whether I stay or go. Honestly family is important for me and the environment in which my kids live. I think we will be happier there. I am making istikhara though and my husband seems to be ok with it because he sees the points I am making. I need the help and although he tries it honestly isn't enough. I can't do it alone. I feel as if I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I need to be by my mother. I need her and she needs me so Insha Allah we'll see what happens. At least I can try to have some stability in my life because right now there is none.