Saturday, August 19, 2006

I haven't been posting for a couple of days because I have on the verge of divorce. My husband hasn't been asking for it, but I have. I hate this situation. I hate sharing my husband with someone who betrayed my friendship to her. My husband and I got into one of our worst fights yesterday. It was too ugly to describe. A3uthoo billah!!!! I know it was shaytan. Looking at myself I saw the shaytan and I felt the shaytan and it was so scary. It took both my mother and my sis-in-law to keep my off of my husband. I called my co-wife and went off. She thought my husband hit me from how hysterical I sounded, but he didn't. Why all of this??? I feel sooooo ashamed, but I have let things bottle up so much that it was bound to come out. I hate this person I have become. I am not this person. I am the person who was nice to my co-wife, the one who apologized to her and gave her gifts and cared about her well-being. That is me, not this insecure monster. What is happening to me? I went crazy infront of my kids and I am so sorry for how they must have felt. I feel hatred brewing inside of me. I want him to either choose me or her. I want him to divorce her and I know that this is wrong. I know that I am asking him to do something haram. I know that this is qadr Allah and I haven't accepted it. I know that I need to be patient and I am impatient. I know that this happened as a result of me bringing a woman into my home and not seperating her from my husband. I know that if he leaves her it may not solve all of our problems. I know that if I do not pass this test then I will be tested with something harder. I know I am wrong. I know what I should be like and what I should follow so why aren't I doing it? Am I arrogant? Is it shaytan? Is it my nafs? Was it envy? Is it my ego? Why can't I do what is right? I hate this. I am going to the new Imam with my mother and am going to talk to him about what is going on, insha Allah he will be of help to all of us.

6 comments:

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Ya habiti. I know it is HARD to be patient but Allah is the best of planners and he will Insha'Allah give you what is best for you and your children. I will tell you like I have told many of the other sister if you ever need to talk just let me know and I will send you my email address.

peacefulmuslimah said...

Salaam Alaikum,

I think it is very easy for us to say it is shaytaan behind our actions because that is an "Islamically acceptable" excuse, as opposed to simply taking personal responsibility and working harder to change our shortcomings. I am glad to see that you question this yourself. Insha'Allah questioning is the first step towards conquering and you will get a better grip on your behavior so that your marriage will blossom.

Take care,
PM

Honorary Arab said...

Asalamalaykom,

I have to say that my biggest fear isn't how he will act in this relationship, or how she will act, but rather how I will act. I don't want to become a bad person. I don't want to be mean and ugly. That fear keeps me from completely relaxing into this deal.

Honorary Arab said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Safa said...

This post of yours is how I am feeling RIGHT NOW! I'm tired, Vena. And I've stopped saying that its shaytan or nafs.....it's the truth.

I just don't know who I can talk to. I don't have a wali....and my husband isn't in Egypt.....

Eillem said...

I feel like I'm reading my own future should my husband take a second wife! He wants to, but I just know I'd never be able to accept it. Sad, but true: I want to be his everything, nut I know I'm not.