Saturday, August 19, 2006
I haven't been posting for a couple of days because I have on the verge of divorce. My husband hasn't been asking for it, but I have. I hate this situation. I hate sharing my husband with someone who betrayed my friendship to her. My husband and I got into one of our worst fights yesterday. It was too ugly to describe. A3uthoo billah!!!! I know it was shaytan. Looking at myself I saw the shaytan and I felt the shaytan and it was so scary. It took both my mother and my sis-in-law to keep my off of my husband. I called my co-wife and went off. She thought my husband hit me from how hysterical I sounded, but he didn't. Why all of this??? I feel sooooo ashamed, but I have let things bottle up so much that it was bound to come out. I hate this person I have become. I am not this person. I am the person who was nice to my co-wife, the one who apologized to her and gave her gifts and cared about her well-being. That is me, not this insecure monster. What is happening to me? I went crazy infront of my kids and I am so sorry for how they must have felt. I feel hatred brewing inside of me. I want him to either choose me or her. I want him to divorce her and I know that this is wrong. I know that I am asking him to do something haram. I know that this is qadr Allah and I haven't accepted it. I know that I need to be patient and I am impatient. I know that this happened as a result of me bringing a woman into my home and not seperating her from my husband. I know that if he leaves her it may not solve all of our problems. I know that if I do not pass this test then I will be tested with something harder. I know I am wrong. I know what I should be like and what I should follow so why aren't I doing it? Am I arrogant? Is it shaytan? Is it my nafs? Was it envy? Is it my ego? Why can't I do what is right? I hate this. I am going to the new Imam with my mother and am going to talk to him about what is going on, insha Allah he will be of help to all of us.