Monday, August 21, 2006
The Past couple of days I have been in and out of the Imam's office. One day with my mom, the next with my husband, and the next with my sis-in-law. Masha Allah! Masha Allah! Masha Allah! I couldn't have asked for a better Imam to help me with my situation. Not only is he a learned sheikh, but he is also a psychologist and has 2 phd's. What is better than someone with knowledge of the deen who also understands human emotions? What a combo? Masha Allah he has helped a lot. Right now he has refused my request for a khul because I told him that masha Allah my husband is very just (3adl). I told him that it is not my husband, that it is me. I am the one who cannot handle this. He explained to me that none of the mothers' of the believers had asked for their husbands to divorce their other wives because they knew this was haram. He also reminded me that asking for a divorce without a valid reason would make the sent of Jannah forbidden to me. He said it in a nicer way of course. I told him that I am not asking my husband to divorce her and that I am asking him to divorce me. My husband insisted that he did not want a divorce and he said very praiseworthy things about me. The imam also complimented me to my husband and told him that if he gave me up he would be crazy. He did explain to him that because the responsibility of raising 4 girls in this country was a huuuuuuuge responsibility that he had to be involved in their lives 100%. He said that he cannot and I cannot ask him to divorce his wife (although it was not wise, but it's done) but that he could make it to where it is more acceptable to me. I told him that nothing would change my mind, but then he offered me this.....He asked my husband to give me 4 days out of the week and her 3 days. They said that the 4th day would be for the kids. That doesn't mean that I couldn't be there, but that it would compensate for all of the time I have to share my time with children. He said that she doesn't have any kids with him and that she should be understanding. He also suggested that I take the 4 days together instead of doing it every other day like we are. It makes sense because it would offer more stability in the home. I was stubborn and said no and the sheikh asked me to come in the next day with my sis-in-law to talk and he would convince me about it. I went and that's what he did. He told me that it is his observation that my husband loves me very much, but that she is offering him something that he cannot give up easily, but that once he is done getting his benefit that he will get tired and come back. He told me that I need to lose the temper (go figure) and that my husband made a mistake and doesn't know how to get out and he doesn't want to fix a mistake with another mistake (being unjust to her). Anyways he said all the things I needed to hear.....even if they aren't true I wanted to hear them. Therapists do that!!!! Anyways he asked me to try the four days thing for a month and if I am still not happy then come to him and he will handle my affairs. I agreed and then he asked to meet with my husband today for 15 minutes to discuss our decision. Anyways this morning I was talking to my husband and he told me that he discussed the extra day thing with Lisa and she said that instead of that she didn't mind him taking the kids on one of her days. I said, "In her dreams. NO WAY! That will never happen so tell her to keep dreaming." He got my answer to that suggestion. I called the Imam and told him and he said no that that is unacceptable. He went on to say that the children belong with their mother and that they do not need to go there. He of course meant that if I didn't agree with it then it was not necessary. Anyways he wants to speak to me and to her and I am going to take him up on that. I need to let my feelings out. We'll see what happens when he speaks to my husband insha Allah. Anyways the kids started school so that's the high point of the week. YAAAAAY!!!!