Monday, September 18, 2006

My kids are here!!!! Well they are my step kids, but wallahi I feel as if they are my kids. They tried to surprise me by coming early from Dubai, but I didn't buy it. They gave me a bogus day, but I put all the clues together and figured out exactly when they were coming. I did keep it from my hubby though cause I wanted to surprise him. He had a feeling that I knew the date, but that day I threw him off completely. Anyways so he didn't suspect a thing and I expected their arrival so I made the house spotless and anxiously awaited them with my SIL. My SIL had never met them before. She was the only sister of my husband that had never met her nephews.

Anyways they arrived and I couldn't stop shaking while I was hugging them. I had missed them soooooo much and they missed us soooooo much too. They especially missed all the girls. They had never met their new baby sister or their aunt so it was a great night for all of us Masha Allah.

Now we did face one problem though. lol. They arrived on Lisa's night. Well I guess you can count this as a special circumstance so we decided to go ahead with a plan and surprise him. I called him and he told me he was getting ready to go to the masjid so I asked him which one and he told me of the one close to their apartment. Ok I said and I got off the phone. I screamed at the kids to get in the van and we squeeeeeeeezed in there and headed off to the masjid.

We waited in the front and the plan was for the kids to duck in the back and when he saw my van he would become upset and ask what I was doing there and why I didn't tell him I was coming then the kids would pop up in the back and surprise him. So we waited and waited and waited and he didn't show. The men at the masjid even prayed Isha and left. WTH is going on? He said he was about to leave to go to the masjid. Ok then he calls me and that was weird cuz I had just talked to him earlier so we all freaked and wondered if he found out somehow. But how? Their mom knew we were going to go and surprise him around 9:30 so no way would she call him around that time thinking that we already met and then blow our cover. No way!

Anyways when I talked to him he was upset and asked me if I knew that his ex and the kids were in town? So I played stupid and said, "WHAT?" As if I was shocked then he told me that he would call me back. We got off, but I couldn't wait to find out how he found out; so I called him again. He told me that his ex was outside of the home and called to find out if me and the kids were with him. She forgot my number and had to call him. MAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! That SUUUUUUUUX!!! I was so disappointed! I had such an adrenaline rush anticipating his reaction. We were all upset, but it was finished.

Anyways I told him the cover was blown and that we were waiting at the masjid so he told them that he wasn't far and would be coming. Of course he brought Lisa with him and I didn't mind cuz it wasn't my day, but the kids were kinnda uncomfortable with that. His youngest son (12) wouldn't even greet him. He really didn't take it too well, but at the same time he was tired. Only one out of the four kids actually said salam to her. I talked to Lisa and so did my SIL. I felt bad for her so I invited her and her son (12) to come over so the boys can play together. They had met twice before when she was married to my husband's friend.

Anyways she came over with her son the next day and we had a very nice time. My step son who was upset the day before cooled down once he saw she and I were ok and after speaking with my husband. He decided to make the best of it. He actually hugged her and told her son that they were now brothers because his dad was married to his mom. Alhamdulillah it was a good day.

That night though, my husband and I were in the process of becoming intimate with one another when he mentioned how his son hugged Lisa and the comment he made to her son. I told him I knew with a hint of an attitude and he felt my mood change. I wasn't very responsive to him physically after that and he took notice. He asked me what was wrong and I decided to be upfront. I told him that he didn't need to say what he said. It wasn't the right time and frankly he didn't need to say it to me. He said, "You were the one who invited her here, so why are you upset?" I said, "Do you think that you telling me that he is happy with your marriage to her is gonna make me feel good?" And another thing is that it was bad timing. It shows me that you you are thinking of her. He told me that it wasn't that way and that he's sorry and he didn't mean to upset me." I knew he didn't mean to, but it did. I also decided not to hold in my feelings and let them build up inside. When I feel something I will say it. I feel like an immature kid when I do not discuss my feelings and instead pout and give him the silent treatment. I am an adult. I need to act like one and when I did he responded as an adult and we moved past it and caped off a beautiful day with a beautiful night masha Allah.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Ok so it's time for me to catch up on some posts. Here is my post with the do's and don't for the wives in a polygamous marriage.

Do's and Dont's for the wives......

1. Try not to compare yourself to your co-wife. Remember that every person has their strengths and their weaknesses. This is a trick from Shaytan to make you doubt your worth. Try to defeat your insecurities and BE SECURE IN YOURSELF. Good men love secure women.

2. Do not try to purposely make your co-wife jealous. It will backfire someday. Remember the saying "What goes around, comes around."

3. Do not criticise her to ANYONE.....Especially your husband. It's enough to mention that it's backbiting and therefore haram.

4. Ask your husband to not discuss their marriage to you and do not inquire into their marriage.

5. If for some reason your husband mentions a "possible divorce" from her.....Do not get your hopes up even if they do divorce. There is a lot of time to make up. Don't forget the 3 months iddah and two times they are able to get back together.

6. Never give or ask your co-wife for advice. This is just plain stupid!!!

7. Do not divulge any intimate details about your husband or about yourself. Again very stupid and haram.

8. Do not put your husband down to your co-wife.

9. Never argue with your husband infront of her.

10. Do not call your hubby when it's not your day unless necessary. "Think of how you would like for her to respect your day." If your hubby needs to talk to you then he can leave and call without her knowing.

11. If all of your Islamic rights are met then NEVER ask for a divorce. He may just give it to you and you might not have meant why even go there? (This is my problem) A lot of us threaten without any intention of leaving and this is haram.

12. Try as much as possible not to let your children see you bitter about their relationship because they may start to have negative feelings towards polygamy in general and that is not good. Convert all your negative energy on positive energy for your kids (easier said then done, I know.)

13. Never ask your hubby questions you may not like the answers to. EXAMPLES: Do you love her more than me? Do you think she's prettier? Do you ever think of her when you're with me?

14. Do not imitate your co-wife in anything except in righteousness and piety. That is of course "If" she is pious.

15. Do not snoop in your husband's phone, bag, messages, mail, pockets, etc. You have no business being in them and you may find something you wished you hadn't.

16. Do not listen in on phone conversations he is having with her. Ask him polietly if he can take it in the other room and if he doesn't then you remove yourself from that position and go somewhere else.

17. Do not forget to ask Allah to make the tests easy on you, to take away any destructive jealousy from you heart, and to bless your marriage and anything else you'd like to add. I personally ask Allah (swt) to make me as beloved to my husband as Aisha (ra) and Khadijah (ra) were to the Prophet (saaw). Can you get it any better than that???

18.Never make du3a against them unless you are truly oppressed. I do not believe in making supplications against anyone. I believe the du3a for guidance is more powerful and beneficial. If you make a du3a against someone who does not deserve it then the du3a may come back to you. I never make du3a that Allah breaks their marriage for example because if it is not deserved then my marriage might break up as a result.

19. If you have the chance to be kind to your co-wife then jump on that chance. This is for the ones who have "normal" co-wives. why not gain reward from being kind to your sister in Islam even if she is not responsive? You can't lose here!!!

20. If you have an intolerable co-wife then repeat "Hasbi Allahu wa ni3mal wakeel."

21. If your co-wife has children make sure that your kids have access to one another. Do not punish any children from the marriage.

22. Try your best to be Patient and accept the Qadr of Allah.

23. Enjoy yourself on your days alone and reflect on the advantages of having these extra days. If there are none then, I'm sorry!!! : (

If any of you would like to add on then please feel free to do so. Jazakum Allahu khairan!!!!

Saturday, September 09, 2006

So here is something that I'm not sure if I ever mentioned before. My husband was previously married before me. When my husband was 24 he married a 23 year old american convert with two girls (hey just like me when I married him). Her daughters were 2 1/2 years old and 8 months old. They were babies and their dad was never involved in their life whatsoever so their dad in their eyes and in mine is my husband. I always considered him their father.....even if he wasn't the best dad he could have been, he is still their father. He is all they know. He loves them as if they were his own masha Allah. He also has two boys from his ex-wife. His girls are now 14 and 16 and the boys are 11 and 12. He was married to her for 12 years. They had good times and very horrible times, but the thing that keeps them linked are these kids.

First let me tell you how I met the lovely bunch of tikes. I married my husband knowing that he was divorced with kids, but that his ex-wife and the kids lived in Egypt because they thought it would be better for the kids to grow up there. Well the original plan was for my husband to go and visit them there, but he and his ex had major problems (not inclined to fill anyone in) and they got divorced (their third one). Anyways his kids and her decided to come back all of a sudden before he and I married, but they lived 70 miles away from us so I never got to see them. My husband had not told them about me because he didn't feel that they would be ready to know anything. So he did the usual leaving the apartment when he would talk to them and so on. Then a month after we got married I found out that I was pregnant (with our first daughter).

Ramadan came the next month and I asked him when he was going to tell his family about me. I think he was tired of hiding me so he said that he will tell them that weekend because he wanted the boys to come and spend the night. Anyways the day he was supposed to bring the boys to stay with him he told his ex-wife and the boys about me. He said he had remarried, but he didn't mention when. He brought the boys and they were nice as can be. They were 9 and 8 at the time and were too young to really care. They loved my girls and we had a good time. His son even wanted to call me mom right away. OH OH!!! He thought it was cool to have a step mom.

Anyways the day after they came over we went to go do laundry and get pizza to take home. We finished the laundry and my husband placed an order of pizzas for me and the boys to take home from next door as we were leaving. We did all of that and started to drive out of the parking lot when my muffler fell to the ground. WHOOOOPS!!! My husband had just left us in his tow truck, but another tow truck driver came right away. I told him that my husband drove a wrecker so he asked me his name and I told him so he said he knows him and that he will call him for me. Well he called him and my husband told him to take me back to the parking lot and he will come right away. He did just that.

My husband came to get us and we drove to the muffler shop of a friend of his. As we were there the boys' mother called. She wanted to talk to her sons and of course to ask them what they thought of me. Well the younger son was talking to her and my husband went back to talk to his friend......BIIIIIIIIIG MISTAKE. While his son is talking to his mom he asks her if she wants to talk to me and just hands me the phone. He did it innocently enough (he was excited). He didn't know any better. I gave her my salam and said that I knew it was awkward to talk to me, but that she had beautiful kids masha Allah. Something along those lines. She says thanks and is very sweet and then she asks me how long we've been married. Well I didn't know what to say because my husband told me that he didn't tell her so I just said maybe a month or so. It had actually been two months. So she starts crying and hyperventilating and it was obvious something was wrong. Then she says....."He only divorced me 2 weeks ago." WTH!!!!! Two weeks????? I was shocked. He swore to me that he was divorced and I even went against my wali's advice about marrying him so soon without confirming that he was divorced. I felt like a complete dumb ass at that point. That what wali's are for. Anyways I didn't think he had a reason to lie to me. I didn't understand why he did. So I told her that I was actually pregnant and we had been together for 2 months. She was rightly upset. She told me lots of things, but was so nice to me. All the while my husband discovered I am on the phone with her and his face was pale. She told me that they had been intimate when he came to her house "to see his sick son". That was a couple of weeks before. I felt sick and lost and shocked.

I got off the phone with her, but before that she and I exchanged numbers. I didn't say a word to him the whole way home. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I was trapped. There was no way I could go back to my mother with the girls and another pregnancy after 2 months of marriage. It was impossible so I decided to stick through it. To this day I am not sure why he lied, but he did and that's over and done with.

Anyways the next day came time to take the boys back home and I insisted on going as well. I went and before we got there she informed the girls of what their dad had done. They were far from pleased. When we got there she invited me to come up and he said no because he had to make it back to break his fast in town. She said she would cook dinner for us, but that he needed to talk to the girls because they were taking it very hard. He said he would call them and left. I was shocked and I told him to turn around and go talk to them. He said they will get over it and what he did by marrying me was not haram. I yelled at him to go back and finally he agreed. When I walked up the stairs with my girls his girls were at the door. They greeted me nicely, but you can tell they were sad and pissed at there father, my husband. Their mom left to the store to go get something to cook and we stayed with the kids. He went to go talk to the girls and they ended up arguing and crying. He was soooooo passive about everything, but I understood how they felt. They also knew it was not my fault because I didn't know a thing. Anyways things calmed down because the attention turned to my kids. They loved my girls. His ex was sooooooo sweet with them masha Allah. She was so nice to all of us as a matter of fact. She made him his favorite dinner and she gave me a gift before I left. We left on a high note alhamdulillah, but we had some hard times along the way.

It took sometime for his kids to open up to me, but when they did we became more like friends. We had good times. I took them almost everywhere with me. I arranged fun outing with their dad and I tried to get him to calm down on them. He had major anger issues at the time. At one point his ex met an Egyptian man online. He lived in Dubai and she went to marry him over one summer while the kids stayed with us and came back to get her things situated to move with the kids. During this time she had to prepare to move she started a job and moved into the apartment literally next door to us. We shared a wall. We used to bang on the wall to get eachother to come over. Yes we had phones, but it was more fun that way. Anyways his kids and I grew close in this time. Me with her kids and her with mine. I guess you could say she was like a co-wife except she didn't sleep with my husband. Aren't those the best kind???? lol. Anyways we had rough days too. We had a blow out fight right before she left, but we made up the night before she was to leave for Dubai with all the kiddos.

Well it's been one and a half years since they moved and they are coming back insha Allah on the 18th of sept. My sis in law is leaving the 19th. My sis in law has never seen her brother's kids or his ex-wife so this will be the first time. She will be leaving the day after, but one day is better than nothing. Insha Allah she will be coming back the beginning of November with her new hubby again. My husband knows that his kids will come at the end of this month, but he doesn't know exactly what day. It was supposed to be a surprise for me too, but I nagged them to death until they told me. I still suspect they may be coming earlier. Who knows, but we'll see.

They will come on my day insha Allah. They still don't like the idea of Lisa. They do not want to see her right away although they met her once or twice before. The boys I'm sure will want to go there because they met her son before and they liked him so they will probably go there to play. I'd rather they come here and bring him here than to go over there. I am jealous over them. I consider them to be like my kids. Seriously. Even their own mother calls them my kids. She loves my kids to death too. She helped me out a lot masha Allah with my little 2 year old when she was a baby. They left when I was pregnant with my last daughter. She will be 11 months insha Allah around the time they get here. They will be sooooo happy insha Allah. My girls miss them a lot. We will have a great time insha Allah. But I know with the whole 2nd wife issue there will be problems. His ex-wife can sometimes be like the third wife because she is looking out for her kids, but that might clash with Lisa. I don't know what will happen, but this time I have to try to stay out of it. We're in for a ride, but I miss them all. I am 26 and I have a total of 8 kids. What a Life????? Masha Allah.....Alhamdulillah!!!!!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Do's and don'ts for men in polygny...... (please feel free to add to my list)

What are some rules that husbands should follow to make a polygamous marriage run smoothly???

For the Men....

1. Never call one wife infront of the other for any reason unless absolutely and I mean absolutely necessary.

2. Do not put love-names for any of your wives on your mobile phone.

3. Lock your cell phone so your wives do not get the urge (shaytan is always whispering) to read your text messages or listen to you voicemail from your other wife.

4. Do not buy groceries or things like that for one wife when you are shopping for the other (if they do not get along).

5. Do not wear any new clothes or obvious items that were gifts from one wife on the day of the other wife.....especially new underwear

6. If one wife gives you a card as a thoughful gesture keep it at her house....Do not leave it in your car, bag, etc. We wives can be sneaky and Shaytan is always whispering.

7. Do not give your wives hikki's in any visible place. This is a no no and must be avoided so as to not cause harm to someone's feelings.

8. Do not discuss your private affairs from one home to the other.

9. Do not compare your wives to other people or to eachother.

10. Do not discuss intimate details about one wife with the other.

11. Always compliment your wife and make her feel special and loved.

12. Do not compliment the other wife to the wife you are speaking to. We take that as you are indirectly insulting us.

13. If your wife is sad, angry or hurt then be patient with her and realize that this is not easy.

14. Spend as much time as you can with your kids. At this time the kids are more important than the wives.

15. This goes without saying.....Be fair and just when it comes to spending and time.

16. Do not force one wife to live with the other wife for any reason unless she is willing.

17. Do not lower the standard of living for either wife.

18. Be honest with your wives when it comes to marriage to other women or pregnancies. Do not hide what's halal

19. Do not tell any wife that you love her more than the other even if you do.

20. Be careful what you say or do infront of the children because they may unknowingly or knowingly say these things to the other family.

21. Do not fight with one wife infront of the other. This is humiliating to the wife being fought with and uncomfortable for the wife witnessing it. Also we do not need to know when there is trouble in the household. We tend to get ours hopes up for a divorce at that point which may not happen and then we will feel disappointment.

If you care to add to this list or argue a point with any of them then please feel free to do so. I will post for the women in the next post insha Allah.

Fi amman Allah
Last week Lisa asked me if I wanted to meet her for lunch at the mall next to her work, but I happened to be fasting that day so I had to decline and we said we would do it another time. Anyways my sister in law and I were going to be going to that mall today to exchange something so I decided to call Lisa on my way and ask her if she wanted to meet me there. Mind you I am still fasting (making up my days), but I figured I could visit with her anyways. So she meets me there. Our sis-in-law shopped, Lisa ate and I kept her company. The whole ordeal lasted about an hour. Anyways to make a long story short.....I asked my hubby if I could go to the mall to go to this one store and he said yes it was ok but I made a few stops on the way. Silly chicken, got elastic for my other sis in law, and went to get my sis-in-law's plane ticket. Anyways I had only informed my hubby about the mall and he didn't mind the silly stops although I didn't ask him to go but the thing that did irk him the most was my co-wife and I meeting at the mall. He had forbid us from going to the mall not too long ago. Anyways I keep forgetting that we are not "allowed to go there" but alhamdulillah I asked him. He said ok, but apparently Lisa didn't ask him so we both ended up getting in trouble. Man I feel like a kid when I say that. Why did you stay at the mall? why did you ask her to go? She had her own lunch why did you ask her to go to lunch? Aren't you fasting? why the change of plans without informing me? blah...blah...blah.... Anyways he gave it to me and gave it to her, but we are both loud mouths when we need to be so we gave it to him too. We came to the conclusion that the reason that he was upset that we went to the mall is either #1 he is afarid we will divulge information to eachother that will get him in trouble #2 we will spend money or #3 he likes for me and her to not be friends because it boosts his ego to have 2 women fighting over him #4 control issues. I think #2 is the correct conclusion. I hate to tell him everywhere I am going like I am a child. I didn't need a husband to act like my dad. I have a dad already thank you very much. Anyways I am writing this because as soon as we argued with him we could have gotten mad at eachother. I might have assumed that she told him that I was going to places other than the mall to get me in trouble and she might have assumed that I asked her to go to the mall to set her up. Either way we didn't let shaytan play with us and I texted her apologizing if I got her in trouble and she called me to clear up the misunderstanding if one was to arise. Masha Allah we finally figured out the answer to our problem. The answer is to KEEP THE HUSBAND OUT!!!!

Saturday, September 02, 2006

The other day my husband told me that maybe we could go out to eat together before he had to leave for work at 6:00 p.m. So we made plans to go eat seafood after he ran his errands. Anyways the time passed and he was not able to come in time for us to go out and I was fine with that. I understood that he had to go apply for a daytime shift and so I was not upset at all. He was very sweet about it and felt bad so he told me that that Saturday on my day we could go to Kemah and eat at a very nice seafood resturaunt. This place is apprx. 45 minutes away.

Anyways I had planned to meet with Lisa to go out for dessert the same day on sat, but I planned it to where she and I can go after he leaves for work. Yesterday she and I were talking and she said that maybe we could go out to eat seafood (she knew I was craving it) and then go to the Sweet Factory in the daytime. I felt bad excluding her or maybe I felt she would be hurt if she found out that I was going to Kemah with our husband so I told her that I was thinking of asking him to go and that she could come if she'd like. I was also afraid she'd find out from my daughters.

Anyways today my husband asked me why I invited her to come along. I asked him why not? I figured she was his wife so why would he mind? I didn't know I had to ask him first. He said that she asked him if it was ok for her to come along because I had invited her to go. He told her that we weren't sure if we were going or not and that he'd rather her not come because it is an uncomfortable situation when it is the three of us together. Well that was new for me to hear. Why is it uncomfortable??? He said that it's because he can't act himself with either of us and he doesn't want to hear from either of us did this and that with her or said this and that to her and not to me. He said my days with him are for me and that his days with her are for her, but that he didn't have a problem with the two of us hanging out together when he's not with us unless it's a necessity.

I told him that that wasn't the case with him the day we went to the waleemah. I said you invited her to go although she and your sister don't talk and I was willing to trade days. He asked her to go even though she and I were on bad terms at the time, without even warning me or telling me ahead of time. So how come now it's an issue? Anyways I was a little irked by it and I almost cancelled our trip. But he sweet talked me a little so I gave in and we went.

Alhamdulillah we had a nice time. When we came back he left to go pick up the truck for work and my sis-in-law, the kids and I went to meet Lisa at Sweet Factory. When she arrived she called me and asked me where I was at....I told her that I was in the store next door. She asked me..."Guess who's here?" I asked, "Who?" She said, "Our Husband." I was shocked. Why did he come if he doesn't want to be in the same place as us? She was thinking the same and she called him out on it. She asked him and he said that he came to pray. She told him why did you have to come to pray at the place where you knew we were gonna be? That's a valid question, Isn't it? Anyways he got annoyed by that.

We left the store and went to sweet factory and he stayed in the store (they have a musalla) to pray. When we went to sweet factory I noticed that his truck was parked infront of it. I figured (I know my husband by now) that he wants to have an excuse to come to sweet factory and that's why he parked there. So Lisa and I are thinking that the reason he came was because he likes for people to know that we both are his young niqabee wives who get along as best friends would. Kinda showing off. LOL. Men will be MEN!

Anyways just as I expected he came to sweet factory and had to let the people see him with us and I could see his proud smile and he said salam to us and left. lol. He doesn't mean any harm, but it reminds me of a little boy who is eager to show his new toy that he loves so much to the world. We thought it was funny. He doesn't want to be with the two of us, but he wants to be seen with the two of us. Why are men so confusing????