Still early, but Subhan Allah!!!

I'm Back!!!

As salamu alikum to anyone who has been reading my blog. I know it's been a long time since I've written, but finally after 8 months of being mute I decided to come back and share my thoughts. Instead of speaking of specific incidents that occur in my life I will try to just talk in general based on my views, my opinions and my experiences. As many of you know I decided to stop writing because of my guilty conscious. Although I felt I had every right to speak about my life and how I feel about being in a polygynous marriage, I realized that I wasn't only writing about myself ; I was depicting my husband and my co-wife the way that I felt they looked, behaved and thought but that it was all based on my view. It is not fair to them that I speak about them when they do not have the chance to express their view of what happened. Anyways everyone now knows that my blog is based on my own personal thoughts and my own personal feelings of the events that occurred. My husband is not an oppressive monster and my co-wife is not a lousy home-wrecker. lol. Ok now that that is clear. Let me just catch you up without going into too much detail. My hubby and I didn't divorce (surprise, surprise!!!). My co-wife and I are no longer friends. It first started as an order from my husband to save him the headache and then she just felt that it was easier for her us not being close friends and that she had less arguments with him in the time we were not allowed to speak. So it's been almost a year and a half since we hung out regularly. Alhamdulillah that too took adjusting , but I came to finally realize that life is all about adjustments.....Nothing will ever EVER stay the same and that you will drive yourself insane if you try to make it stay that way. Alhamdulillah Allah (swt) has given humans the ability to forget, the ability to heal, the ability to cope and the ability to adjust. The girls and I are doing great alhamdulillah. They are growing and getting even more beautiful and unique masha Allah. If you last remember I have five daughters. The eldest is almost 10 insha Allah, the second is 8, the third is almost 5 masha Allah, the fourth is 3 1/2 and the youngest is a year and a half old. They are all as different as can be; they each come with a challenge, but Alhamdulillah for all of them. Something new: I got my child development associates credentials. This year I have been working full-time at the Islamic school my girls attend. It's been nice because I get to pay for their tuition and I get a little pocket money on the side. I moved to a place I love and got to re-decorate it the way I love. I saved a little money and bought new furniture.....That was really nice. Alhamdulillah I can say I am happy. Working has allowed me to stay busy and focus on things other than my husband having another wife. I wish I had more time for worship, but that is also a weakness in my iman. My husband and I are better alhamdulillah and masha Allah we are expecting baby #6. Surprise surprise!!!

This is it!!!

So this is it. Not only is this going to be my last entry, but this is the day where my husband and I decide to hang in there or call it quits. This past month or so has been horrible. Full of trials and heart break, but alhamdulillah for everything. I am ok and Insha Allah I will continue to be ok. I will make Istikhara before we meet and will go according to what I feel. So far things point to divorce.

In the past few weeks we have been separated I have seen a side of my husband that shocks me. I never thought that he would resort to some of his tactics, but he did. Who knows why Allah lets certain things take place? I will make Istikhara and just rely on Allah.

He has made a list of conditions and so have I. We will both be given the chance address these issues and if we cannot come to an agreement than we will just have to agree to disagree and move on. I wish things could be civil, but it doesn't look like it will be that way. Anyways insha Allah I will be ok with whatever decision I make.

For now I have decided to quit blogging. Originally I started writing to serve as a healing process. I wanted to write my emotions down and sort them. It helped a lot and I came out of my misery slowly, but surely. I tried not to backbite my husband and co-wife, but obviously I have failed in that. I have told my husband about my blog and he is aware that I write it and has never asked me to take it off, but Lisa might not like all of this being written about and exposed to people all over the net. I do not want her to have anything against me on the Day of Judgment. I will be accountable in front of Allah as will she for what she does.

Besides you have only read MY side of the story from MY perspective, but do not forget that Lisa and my husband also have their own sides and own perspectives. Who knows maybe if they were to write about me from their vision you would hate me. I wouldn't like it if they blogged about me so I must not do it either. Everyone has their point of view and it would not be fair for me talk about our business without them being given a fair chance to defend themselves.

So this is it. Subhan Allah I had always felt that I was doing something wrong when my blogs started to become more about my anger rather than my trying to work things out. I wanted people to see the positives in polygyny. Maybe it is not possible nowadays because our eman is weak and we cannot withstand such a test. I don't know. All I know is that I have to say Jazaki Allah kul khair to the person who pointed out to me that maybe my blog is one of the reasons I am going through this test. Maybe I should not expose my family in this way. How can I ask Allah to be with me if I disobey him?

In the beginning, I justified writing because no one that read my blog knew me or my husband or Lisa personally, but hey.....word gets around and shaytan adds a hand and there you have it.....several people from my community have come to learn about my blog and read it. I do not want them to judge just based on what I say or how I feel.....This is my vision and who is to say whether or not it's the truth or distorted truth? It really doesn't matter though because it is my life and I have to live it in the end. I need to get over this pity party and get it back together. Insha Allah all will be well and I will update insha Allah without major details to let you know how I am doing. If things take a good turn you never know....I may return, but with a less personal approach. Thanks to all of you who supported me and were there for me. I hope that at least someone somewhere got any good advice that worked for them insha Allah. Fi amman Allah.

Sincerely your sister in Islam.......Vena

furious!!!

I am boiling right now. I am soooooooo upset. So today technically would have been my day, but of course we are separated so I don't expect him to come home to be with me. One thing I had hoped though was for him to come on his only day off and at least "attempt" to see the girls. So he didn't call all day and I called him around 5:00 p.m. or so to get permission to go to a friend of a friend's house. He didn't answer so I left him a text message. He didn't reply back until I was on my way there which was around 6:00 p.m. He asked me when I was going and when I would be back. I told him that I was on my way and that I would try to be back before dark (around maghrib) he said ok just call me when you get back because I would like to come by and see the girls. So I told him ok. I rushed home of course so I could make it in time for him to see the girls. Maghrib comes in at 8:27 p.m. and I was home at approx. 8:40 p.m. He usually goes to pray at the masjid and so I decided to call him around 9:00 p.m. I called. No one answered. When I was praying he called back and when I was done I called him back. The time now was around 9:10 p.m. Isha is not till 10:00 p.m. He asked me if I had just gotten home. I told him no. I told him I had been home for a while, but was settling the kids down before I called. He said, "Oh now it's too late to come so I guess I will just have to come tomorrow." I said, "Really? And what about these kids who's hopes I've gotten up about you coming today?" I said, "Whatever I don't care anyways, I just wish I hadn't told them that you were coming. I should have known better.....you only think of yourself......" Then he interrupted me and said something really ugly in Arabic that I do not wish to repeat and so I hung up on him. Then many thoughts came to me of things I could say to him and I called back, but he didn't pick up. That wasn't going to stop me so I texted him......"I don't even know why you act like you had any intention to see the girls. If you cared to see them then you would have come earlier, but of course you were too busy thinking of your damn self and Lisa as usual. Anyways they are fine without you. You do not even have to visit. They probably wouldn't even know the difference. Why don't you go and make another baby you can't take care of? You're good at that!" Then a little while later I texted him, "Oh I just figured out why you didn't come. "Someone" must have told you you can't." Hahaha......you guys know what that means. Anyways I am mad because this guy who claims to love the kids so much and who says that he wants custody of the girls and that if I were to remarry I would have to give them to him HASN'T even seen them since the day he left. What kind of bull is that? He is soooooo selfish I could throw up!

Exhale!!!

I must admit that I thought I was going to be more upset than I am. Subhan Allah....Until yesterday I didn't realize how much emotional stress I had been fighting for the past however many years. You remember that movie "Waiting to Exhale"? That's how I feel right now. I feel a relief as if I have just exhaled. ALHAMDULILLAH! MASHA ALLAH!

I'm sad!

So it's finally happened!!! We are officially separated. He spoke with the sheikh and my mother and they both sided with me on the issues I had addressed concern with. He didn't like that of course, but the sheikh still advised him to separate from me until we decide if divorce is really what I want. He doesn't want a divorce or a separation, but then again why would he? He has a place to escape to every other day. He has a spouse to comfort him every other day. Why would he have to leave? He gets the best of both worlds. It's so convenient isn't it. Well that is over with now. I am not going to be here to accommodate him. He comes home lights a fire in me and then leaves. Sometimes I could swear that he would only come home to provoke me. That is not a life or a marriage. We were not like that. I no longer know the person he has become and I deeply miss the person that he was, but I am not going to live my life waiting for something that was a part of my past. What's done is done and what's here is here. I just have to accept that as a part of life. Well he tried to act as if nothing happened.....I think he thought I would cool down and forget about it like I always have, but I didn't. Not this time buddy! I am serious. I am sad, but I am determined to stay strong. This is the right thing to do. He has to give me my rights. My kids and I have a right to our time and I refuse to let him take it from us. If that is the case than he will lose his time as well. Insha Allah we will see where all of this leads.

I Had Enough!!!

I thought all was well, but I guess not. I refuse to be a doormat!!! I am tired. I just realized that me practicing my faith and building my eman does not require me being married to someone who is not willing to put the same effort in our marriage as I am putting. The sad reality is that he is not even putting a percentage of the effort that I am putting. I am sincerely doubting whether this man really cares as he says he does or not. His actions show quite the opposite.

I think he does not take me seriously about leaving and therefore continues to do whatever it is that he likes. In the end he will be left with his job and Lisa and I hope they make him happy. I am lying!!! I hope it makes him miserable so he can see the blessing that he neglected.

I went to the sheikh again and asked for a divorce. He granted me a separation as a trial to see what happens in the meantime. I am actually surprised by that, but alhamdulillah he seems to sympathize with me and the children. I trust his decision. He wants to give him a reality check. We'll see what happens. He doesn't know what the imam decided because he didn't care enough to ask what we talked about. I am not all about words anymore. I need action and since he won't take any.....I will.

Babbling

I feel so depressed! What is wrong with me? It's been two and a half years already and wallahi I thought I was over it. I thought I had gotten to a stage where I was accepting of the whole situation. I thought I was ok, but I'm not and everyday I get worse.I know shaytan is winning over me. I am ashamed to say it, but it's the truth. I feel so far away from Allah right now and I know that this has a lot to do with the feelings I have and the situation that I am in. I am not the same person that I was. My eman is so low and I am deathly afraid that I will not come out of this. I keep thinking of a black spot growing on my heart so much so that I completely go astray.

Wallahi I am writing this and thinking how PATHETIC I am. No man and I mean NO MAN is worth me losing my akhira. How have I allowed shaytan to misguide me this much? I feel so bad I want to cry. How did I get into this? This is a great fitnah for me. What if I do not pass it? I have everything to be thankful for and yet I am still worrying about the things that do not matter. I wasn't like this. I don't know when it all started to change.

I keep wishing that my husband would go back to practicing the deen the way he used to, but the truth is that I am not practicing it as I used to as well. Maybe this is supposed to be my chance to put my life back into perspective. We all stray, but the point is to get back on track and keep going and keep growing. I honestly am at loss. I do not know what I want anymore and I do not know how to redirect myself.

Very recently I went to the Imam of my masjid and asked him to grant me a khula. I don't even know if it is what I want or not. I am so confused. Every time I try to be good and patient.....my husband does something totally stupid and then I go back to square one thinking "To hell with it all and to hell with him." Isn't that horrible? I know it is from shaytan, but I do not know how to calm myself anymore. My patience has worn thin. I keep thinking to myself....."why do I have to be the patient one?" "Why do I have to put all the effort?" "Why do I have to let things go?" Why do I have to calm down?" WHY? WHY? WHY? Why the hell can't he be the patient one who puts the effort, calms down and lets things go? Why are we women asked to sacrifice and the men no matter what they do are considered not to be sinning? I am sick and tired of this.

These are my thoughts. I think I am going to drive myself crazy, but then I remember why. I am going to be accountable for my actions. I am going to answer to Allah alone and NO ONE will be there beside me. I will not be able to blame my husband or shaytan. I alone control my actions and I alone will be accounted for them. If I could just keep this thought in my head when I am angry then maybe I could do better, but usually it doesn't last long.

I don't really want to find a third wife for my husband. My main reason for doing it would not be for help. Allah is the one I should be relying on for help. I am not a freakin victim and I have to stop letting shaytan make me think of myself in that light. I AM NOT A VICTIM. I am capable of doing what I do and more, but if I face hardship then I have to turn to the only one who can give me ease. My husband cannot give me ease. Lisa cannot give me easy. A third wife cannot give me ease. Only the one who created me can give me ease. My intention to find him a third would mainly be an act of revenge, but as you all have pointed out.....it could backfire and it would not benefit my kids much. My girls need a dad. They do not need another mom. I actually believe that it would backfire because my intentions are not pure. Anything done with impure intentions will end up with a negative backlash.

Sorry I am babbling, but writing this is actually helping me a lot. I have to win Allah's love, not the love of my husband. I have to beg Allah to forgive me and beg him for strength to overcome this trial. Life is too short to live it worrying about the things that are not in my hands. I am wasting my life and I am missing the good out of my children's' lives. Not to insult my husband, but they deserve my attention....not him. They deserve my love....not him. They deserve my appreciation.....not him. They deserve stability and comfort.....not him. They deserve to have me.....not him.

My plots and thoughts

Here is another attempt at me getting real with myself. There has never been a time in my life where I doubted myself as much as I have since my husband married Lisa. I do not know who I am anymore. I do not know what I want to be or who I am becoming. I am in total confusion. My mind is in chaos, my life in turmoil, my faith in examination. Anyone who knows me would think I am handling things pretty well, but am I really? I am falling apart. Why? Why does a man define the way I feel about myself? I used to think I had good self-esteem....now I am not so sure. I am weak!!!

My thoughts are many.....but I am going to share two of them that have become repetitive.

Thought#1 : I keep toying with the idea of finding my husband a third wife who would not only be a part of my husband's life, but also a part of mine and my children's' lives. I want my husband to have a wife who cares for us as much as herself. A wife who is not selfish. Is it my right to enforce that???? NO WAY, but I can wish; can't I? I want us to help one another. I want her to give as much as she takes. I want her to think of the families well being as a whole.

I do not believe in the idea that he is one man with two separate marriages. This is bull! Our lives will always be intertwined. It can never truly be separate. My marriage to him effects her life as does her marriage to mine. I am way past the shock of him getting another wife so why not find someone who will be a good friend to me as well? As long as he does it with my knowledge and approval then I can defeat the jealous feelings insha Allah.

I know my husband would consider it. He's toyed at the idea with me. But I know someone who might mind and consideration would be out of the question. lol! I know it may seem mean, but I have to be honest that the thought crosses my mind like this.....Why not kill two birds with one stone? Why not make what went around, come around??? Yes.....PAYBACK! A part of me still wants revenge. Does it still bother me after 2 1/2 years what they did??? HELL YEAH, it bothers me a lot. I know it is Qadr Allah, but it still strikes a soar spot for me. Betrayal, humiliation, deceit. These are not things easily forgotten.

When I am with her and we are friends I tend to forget these feelings completely, but when we do not talk.....my thoughts return to how it happened. Yes I know this is from shaytan.

Anyways! Believe it or not, Lisa recently accused my husband of having similar intentions for a friend of mine. It caused a problem between the two of them and deep down I was so thrilled. She finally feels that threat that I felt so looooong ago. But I was also irked by the fact that she was not as willing to share her husband as she thought I should have been willing to do.

Why was it OK for her to do it to me, but not for it to be done to her????? OOOOOh now I am pissed!!! Well her excuse would be (because we discussed this subject before) that she already doesn't have enough time with him to share more time with another wife. Well you know what I say???? Too Freakin bad; you didn't think of me when you took from my time or my children's time. You cared about yourself and he cared about himself. You didn't care that "TIME" was my main issue of concern with my husband before you even entered into the picture and yet you were so ready to take half of it. She took most of my time. Not only do I have to share with five children, but I have to share with her too....well adding one more to the mix won't make that much difference anymore.

My husband and I are growing further apart so why should I care if the time is even less? Let him get a third (who might actually end up being the second) and at the same time I can benefit from his marriage. Why should they be the only ones to gain? Sounds crazy I know, but hey those are "Thoughts of a first wife." If I do find someone for him I would want her to have kids and she would have to be a selfless person. I would help her as much as she would help me. It would be about sisterhood and family!

Thought #2 : Do I just want to win? Do I want payback and or revenge? Do I really want my husband all to myself? Do I even really want him after all he has put me through? Sometimes I think I just want to prove to her that in the end I will win. I know I wondered in the last posts about his feelings for me, but deep down I know where his heart is. I know it would just take a few days of me being gone before he realizes what I was to him. I know he loves me. People tell me he lusts for her.....whether that is true or not is not what matters. He has it easy over there so he will never give that up as long as I am making it easy for him.

My husband and I have a bond between us that I know he will miss when I am not there. Sometimes I feel the need to leave to open his eyes to what he can lose. My husband is more comfortable with me because I am not as jealous as she is. But this makes him watch himself with her and sometimes over look things with me because he figures I wouldn't make as big of a deal. I mess with him all the time and tell him that he is scared of her. lol. That really irritates him, but that's the point isn't it? Like I said I am just being honest with myself in this post. Even if people do not like what I am saying or how I am thinking.....all that matters is that they are "MY thoughts". Thoughts of a First wife!!!

Insights

Thank You Browngurl for your comment. You made a lot of points that really struck me. The first comment was you pointing out that I seem like the type that wears their heart on their sleeve. This is sooooo true. I know this is not always wise, but it is who I am. I am trying to change it, but deep down it is still there. This characteristic in me helps me to forgive easily..... sometimes even forget. It does hurt me a lot, but it's me!!! lol.

Another thing you said was, "This other sister is not competing against you; you have already defeated yourself. Stop comparing yourself!!" All I have to say is WOW!!! That is so true and I never looked at it that way. You are right about finding my own things to focus on and lately that's just what I've been doing.

I am taking child daycare management classes that I hope to complete soon. I babysit A LOT so why not make it a profession??!!!! I thought I would take it a step further and do this for myself so I would not have to depend on anyone. Alhamdulillah recently I have been getting more business and it has been a great distraction. I am not going to lie though....I have had some lapses lately. I will mention it later today insha Allah, but for now I have to get to my kids.

Forbidden

I forgot to mention that my husband forbid Lisa and I from talking to one another. You all didn't know, but for five months Lisa and I hadn't spoken to one another aside from the time her son's appendix ruptured and I went to go visit him in the hospital. We were civil. My husband loved it that way. He was in less trouble that way.

Anyways recently she babysat my kids when I really needed someone and it gave us a chance to talk. We talked and decided we wanted to try being friends again. He didn't like that idea because she always take things that I say and argues with him about it.Mind you most of it when it gets back to me is out of context. Well when he finally agreed to let us try again....she did it again.

She tells him everything and so he assumes I am this huge blabber mouth. Whatever!!! She told me lots of things that were HUGE that I never even mentioned to him. He made her swear not to tell me something.....and she did.....and he never knew about it until she told him that I knew. And this was something big that I could have gotten upset over, but I didn't tell him because I promised I wouldn't. Anyways I was upset at first because he forbid us from talking, but later I saw his point. I talk to her just like I would talk to any of my friends and maybe that is a mistake. Things are not like before. I am very naive and I guess that is just my nature. You have seen it happen many times over and over on this blog where I set myself up for disappointment.

I did come to the realization though that I am not against polygamy. I do think it has a lot of advantages as opposed to the disadvantages, but you have to have three things.....#1 A reassuring husband #2 Involved father with the children #3 a co-wife who is helpful. I am not saying it is mandatory for her to help me, but it would be a gesture of good faith and kindness. Let's not forget the reward one gets anyways for helping their sister in Islam. But I guess that's just wishful thinking, but I do catch myself sometimes wishing for a third wife who can help me out. lol!!

Feeling blue

So Lately I have been reading The My Two Wives blog and I really enjoy it. I remember a while back I responded on my blog to someone who suggested that the man is probably not being completely honest because he said he cannot honestly say that he loves one wife over the other. I disagreed with that and I started reading his blog and found him to be very genuine. I wish my husband was smart enough to have not told his other wife that he loved her more than me because that only gave satan an opening to play with my head. Even if it wasn't true, even if he starts loving me more or us equally.....I will never believe him. And I will always have insecurity. I do feel very insecure right now and the only one that can help that is my husband. I always thought that it was possible for a man to love two at the same time, but maybe not in my case. I always question myself now.....Am I really that bad of a wife? Is something wrong with me? Am I missing something? I think I am a good person and my husband always attests to that, but why do I feel so low? Because of these doubts I have begun to emotionally dis attach myself from my husband. This has caused a wedge in our marriage that I am not sure can be repaired. I cannot compete with Lisa. She is his escape. Yes I give him family, but she gives him marriage. She does not have the amount of responsibilities that I have. She is able to tend to his every need with simplicity. They are both getting the best of polygamy and I am not. I am the only one that lost anything. Well the kids did too. We lost time. If it was not for my kids I don't know where I would be. I feel bad though, because of all this mess I have not been in the best of moods and therefore have not been able to give them my all. I feel like a failure in all aspects of my life. Not a good wife and not a good mother.

I think it's time to share a cute and true polygyny story I heard recently..... There was a man and a woman married for I think over 12 years and they loved each other dearly, but had no children. The wife tried and tried to get pregnant over the years, but they were not successful. Qadr Allah!!! The man loved his wife and did not want to marry another....he just accepted the fact that they would not have children, but the wife out of love for her husband insisted that he marry another so he can have the children he longed for. After many attempts to convince him that this is what she wished for him and that she was ok he finally agreed. He married a younger woman and the two wives became good friends. The younger one got pregnant and while in labor made du3a that her co-wife get pregnant. Guess what happened? Allah answered the du3a and the first wife got pregnant. Not only did she get pregnant, but her and her co-wife started having babies one after the other. This story was told to me as a true story.

This reminds me of pure love for the sake of Allah and reminds me of the hadeeth......

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet (p.b.u.h) said, "Seven people will be shaded by Allah under His shade on the day when there will be no shade except His. They are:

(1) a just ruler;

(2) a young man who has been brought up in the worship of Allah, (i.e. worship Allah (Alone) sincerely from his childhood),

(3) a man whose heart is attached to the mosque (who offers the five compulsory congregational prayers in the mosque);

(4) two persons who love each other only for Allah's sake and they meet and part in Allah's cause only;

(5) a man who refuses the call of a charming woman of noble birth for an illegal sexual intercourse with her and says: I am afraid of Allah;

(6) a person who practices charity so secretly that his left hand does not know what his right hand has given (i.e. nobody knows how much he has given in charity).

(7) a person who remembers Allah in seclusion and his eyes get flooded with tears."

Bukhari Vol. 2 : 504

May Allah make these two womens' love for each other for the sake of Allah be their protection on the Day of Judgment when only Allah's shade will protect!!! Ameen!!

I got an idea from the comment Yosra left me advising me to make 2008 a great year. I thought to myself what a great idea that was. Why don't I resolve to make 2008 a great year? I will list some things I resolve to do or not to do and you guys also give me some ideas of some things I should resolve to do or not to do. Insha Allah if Allah gives me life until the next year being 2009 then maybe we can see which ones I actually stuck to and which ones I didn't.

Here is some things I resolve to do or not to do......

1. I resolve to NOT look through my husbands text messages.....YIKES!!!! Don't want to see that again!!!! Insha Allah.

2. I resolve to NOT ask for a divorce unless it is absolutely necessary. Insha Allah.

3. I resolve to put my family as a priority over all other people and matters. Husband and Kids come first before all others. Insha Allah.

4. I resolve to memorize at LEAST two Juz's from the Quran this year. Insha Allah. I know that is nothing, but hey if I aim low I can always go more.

5. I resolve to go back to praying my sunnah prayers as I once did. Insha Allah.

6. I resolve to listen to at least two lectures a week and read at least one Islamic book a month insha Allah.

7. I resolve to give my kids the one on one attention that they each need. Insha Allah.

8. I resolve to learn how to sew by taking a sewing class. insha Allah. I need a hobby to keep me busy; don't you think?

9. I resolve to show my husband I love him by doing something special for him (even if it is as small as saying "I love you") each day. Insha Allah. But let's be realistic if we are fighting and it's his fault than he can forget it. ; ) lol!

10. I resolve to listen to yosra's advice and make 2008 a great year insha Allah.

If you have any ideas for me then please share.

I went to the Texas Dawah Convention the weekend of the Christmas break and this years convention was about family. I went to many wonderful lectures by many wonderful sheikhs. One of them.....sh. Yasir Birjas spoke of the AAA (triple A) that women need from their husbands. We need Attention, Affection, and Appreciation. Didn't he perfectly sum it up????? What more could we ask for???? Well one woman suggested to him a fourth A...... Acceptance. I like that!!!

All I want to know is.....Will this roller coaster ride ever end???? Ups and downs! Ups and downs! It's neverending! I do not know if I am for or against polygyny. Many days, yes; other days, no! Does that make me a hypocrite? I do not know where I stand most of the time. Am I too emotional? Well I can answer that easily. A lot has happened lately that I haven't had the energy to write about, but I will tell you one of the things that happened recently. Maybe two weeks ago this incident occured. Actually it was thanksgiving day. Ok so the night before thanksgiving was her day and usually he does not go to the person who's day it is until after duhur time which is approximatly noon. Ok so he was at her house thanksgiving morning and he called me to ask me what kind of meat I wanted him to buy from the halal meat store. So we talked andI told him. This was approximatly around noon time so I was expecting him to come home not too long after that.I figured that he would go pray at the masjid at one then come to my house. Thanksgiving day he had no work mind you because the streets were empty. Anyways I went to go visit my mom and was waiting for him there. Then he calls me around two and he's still at her house. I didn't make a big deal. I wanted to see when he came on his own. So during the conversation he mentions that his friend came in from out of town to attend a conference held in our city with his wife. His wife is of the same decent as Lisa and does not speak english well. Whenever this same friend comes into town with his mom (who is arab) he brings them to my house, but when he comes with his wife who is (hispanic) he goes to her house, but it was MY day. MY DAY! Anyways no problem.....I understood and let it be. I even gave him an offer to stay at her house with his friend if he wanted. He told me no that he was going to come home and we would go to the conference together to see his other friend who is a sheikh and is giving a lecture at the conference. I said ok. Well remember I talked to him at 2 well then he called me back at around 4:45 and told me that they all went out to eat and he would be on his way to my mom's house after he drops the meat at my house and that Lisa went with his friend and his wife to the conference because his friend paid for her and insisted she go so she can be a positive influence on his wife. Ok!!!! Great for her! Anyways 6:30 comes around and my hubby FINALLY finished everything. Now the Isha prayer at the masjid is at 7:30 so I told him to pray first then come to my mom's because he would only be able to come for 45 minutes then have to leave again to pray in congregation. HE agreed. All this and I am fine wallahi. I was not mad that it too him till night time to come to my house. I excused it all. I fought shaytan and the urge to remind him of the right to my time. Finally he shows up at 8 and we stay a while and by this time the kids are sooooo tired and we decide to take them home. My aunt also asked us to see if we could find her a charger for her phone. We stopped by walmart and they were closed and he said he would try any gas station to see if they had it. He made the comment after we passed by walmart that he guesses I won't be able to go with him since the kids are tired so I said no I will put them to sleep and he can go. Here is where the misunderstanding begins: He leaves and I am in bed putting the three years old to sleep. An hour passes and he is still not home. My aunt called me to ask me if he found the charger and I told her I don't know. "I will call him and find out," I said. Now it is 11 p.m I call him and ask him where he is. All of a sudden I here him asking someone in arabic where the shiekh is. WHAT???? "Are you at the confrence?" I asked. "He said yes I thought you knew." You have got to be kidding me. This is where the fight starts. He decided that he would go to the conference by himself since the kids were tired and I could not go. When did he assume I was fine with this? When he told me I guess you will not be able to come with me? He meant the conference.....I meant the gas station. By now I am fuming and he hangs up on me. I call and no answer, but when he finally picks up it dawns on me that SHE is there. So I ask him if she is there and he dodges my question trying to get out of answering by telling me she is somewhere around with the wife of his friend and he is with his friend and the sheikh. Then I finally tell him in arabic to not play stupid with me and he hangs up again.....this time no answer when I try to call back over and over again. I am FUMING now!!!! what time does he finally come home on my day???? 2:00 a.m. My day is gone! She had it! He gave it to her. When he came home he got an ear full on how this is not going to work and I want out. Anyways it escelated from there and we got into more talks of divorce and he almost gave it to me this time, but instead he had his friend the shiekh talk to me. The shiekh told me of all the wonderful things that my husband has spoken of about me and all the things that my husband appreciates about me and what I do. He told him things about me that I didn't even know that he noticed. He said he liked what he said so much that he told him that if he wishes he could find him a wife like me. lol. Subhan Allah. If he only knew what he would be getting into ; ) He gave me wonderful advice that day though and Insha Allah I will try to follow them. Maybe in another post I will write his advice. I also spoke to my dad when he was here he opened my eyes to something. I ask for divorce not because I want it, but because I want him not to give it to me. If my husband doesn't give me a divorce then that confirms to me that he wants me in his life. My dad's point though is what if he gets so fed up that he decides divorce is easier for him and he grants me what he thinks I want? What if he divorces me? His point: Don't ask for what you don't want, cause you might just get it. He's right.

I apologize for not posting for such a long time, but things have been so stressful lately. I have had to adjust to having a newborn again and this time with four other kids running around and needing my attention. Well let me briefly fill you all in on what's been happening. Alhamdulillah I safely delivered a beautiful and healthy baby girl. That's now number five as predicted. All the girls love her masha Allah. She was approx. 7 lbs. and born on September 7. She is now 6 weeks old alhamdulillah and overall she is a wonderful baby. She would like for me to never leave her side as would I, but with so many other things to do it's hard to give her my complete attention. If she gets the attention, the other scream for their share so I have been trying to do a balancing job and have been failing miserably, but insha Allah we will all pass this bump and get our lives back on track. Well good news is that my mom now lives with me, bad news is because she has decided to leave her hubby. But for now she is helping me and even with the two of us here it is hard. The kids are growing and are developing their own personalities and some are more difficult then others. I always wonder how much of an influence our situation will have in the development of who they are and who they become. It hasn't been easy and yes a lot of the times I resent my husband for not being here. I resent him for getting his break every other day and I resent the fact that the kids and I are the ones sacrificing the most. We barely see him every other day for a few hours and in those few hours he is not spending the time wisely with us. I have given up hoping that it will be any different. He tries the best he can, but his best is still never good enough. I hate to even say that, but I have to be honest with myself. But there is no sense in thinking things will change I just have to accept it the way it is for now and just try to provide as much stability as I can for these kiddos. Anyways I am sure you are all wondering who's day I had the baby on. lol. Well I had the baby on her day and they were both their as well as my mom in the delivery room. Everyone thought I was crazy for having her there, but I guess it goes with my nature that I really did not want to exclude her from my happy day because I knew it would be a sad day for her. I thought if she is there then she will feel a part of the family and that this moment was not exclusively ours. I know many of you are shaking your heads right now and saying "What the hell is she talking about?" But if you know me then you would know that that is just the type of person I am. call it naive, call it pathetic, call it whatever you want, but that's me. And yes I get burned many times for that, but that is OK because I cannot change my nature. Anyways the down fall of having her be there was that I guess my husband too felt sympathy or guilt for her that he ended up over compensating and gave her more attention than he gave me. But whatever, what's done is done and we talked it over and he sincerely did not even realize that he had made me feel neglected that day. I am OK though. Life goes on, right? I know my husband loves me and I love him and that is all that matters......Being able to talk and express our feelings with each other and be open makes bumps like these smoother alhamdulillah. Anyways that's just a summary for you all for now. I promise to try to write more often now that I am finally finding some time. Thanks to all of you who asked about me and the baby. Jazakum Allah khair!!!

I wonder if I am going to have the baby on my day or hers!!! lol. I wonder if she is going to be considerate enough to give up some of her days or if they will just depend on my friends and family being there with me to take care of me. I wonder if she will offer to help me without me having to ask. I wonder if my husband will be considerate enough to know that I will need him at this time and that no family member will replace his being there and not just every other day. This event is really going to show me a lot of things. I am curious as to how it will all turn out. I guess I will just have to wait and see and stop wondering.

So here I am once again. It's been a little hectic around here and therefore it's been pretty difficult to get the time to sit and write. Now that the kids are out of school.....they are driving me nuts. Don't get me wrong. I love the kids and would rather have the chaos than nothing at all, but it's a little overwhelming.

So once again I am preparing to move and once again it is at the end of my pregnancy. For some reason I always move in my last month of pregnancy. This is my third time subhan Allah. I am almost 34 weeks pregnant so 3 more weeks till I am full-term insha Allah and then the real excitement begins.

It hasn't been too difficult because I am very blessed alhamdulillah. I have a wonderful husband who supports me and my daughters, I have beautiful healthy children, I have wonderful friends who do their best to take care of me and the kids when my husband is not available, I have a co-wife who at the drop of a hat helps me when I need help, and I come from a very respectable family who love me and are always there when I need them. Alhamdulillah I am surrounded by good people and in this life that is so important. What's better than that??? When I think of those people who do not have anybody to turn to it makes me sooooo grateful for what I have.

Speaking of being grateful. It has come up several times recently where people on the blog and people in my life have mentioned that they believe that I am living in denial. They say that I am truly not content on the inside, but am just trying to make the best of things because I have no other choice. I have been thinking a lot about that and have come to reflect upon why they have such a view. In some way I see where these people are coming from. There may be some truth to it, but it is not complete truth. Here is the reality of it......I cannot be strong all the time. I will not be happy everyday of my life. I will not have everything that I need and I will most certainly not have everything that I want. I will probably have as many down days as I do up. Life will be difficult and That's ok!!!!! All of these things are ok. Life is not going to be custom made for me. I have to take things as they come. I am tested with something and someone else will be tested with something else and each test is unique to each individual. Through these blogs and through witnessing the hardships of others we can use experiences to learn about life and relationships.

I considered giving up my blog many times, but I decided once and for all not to do it. I want people to take what they can from my experience. I know some people think I am crazy and others see themselves in my struggle.....either way each person is developing their own opinions and perspective which is always a positive thing. Even if you have no relation to what I have experienced you will still experience some critical thinking. I am saying my experience in the hopes that I can be of benefit to someone else and if I can do that for just one person then all that I went through was worth it. And I am not intending to be too dramatic and exaggerate.....lol.....I didn't really go through too much considering what others are going through. Alhamdulillah my husband didn't leave me for another woman. He is able to be there for me when I need him. He provides for me and my children. My husband still spoils me and shows me affection. My husband has grown very appreciative of me.....even more so after marrying Lisa. Alhamdulillah my husband is equal and fair. I am really blessed to have him in my life even through difficulty. He is worth it to me. And I hope that if I ever make a mistake in our marriage that he too will stand by me because we love one another and feel that over all we have something worth preserving.

Please don't forget that as I learn and grow from my experience....my husband too is learning and growing from his own experiences. Maybe he wasn't very wise in the way he took another wife, but all in all I think he too has had to make adjustments and rearrange his life. It hasn't all been easy for him either, and hey that's life. Allah is Just. Through this experience my husband and I have grown closer in some ways. Yes the relationship has changed, but it has matured as well. It has shown us what we really mean to one another and what our marriage can stand through. Our marriage is more solid now than it has ever been walhamdulillah.

Am I in denial???? lol. So what if I am???? I do not think that I am in denial. I think shaytan will make me doubt my sincerity so I can give up all together, but I won't do that. I will not give myself a pity party, because that is what shaytan wants. So what if my husband took another wife????? My husband is not my life....sorry but he's not. This dunia is very deceiving and my husband is a part of this dunia as is everything else. I am obligated to do what is right in the sight of Allah (swt). I will be judged and he (my husband) will be judged and Lisa will be judged. We will not be held accountable for what the others did. I will not be held to account for my husband nor will he be held to account for me. It's fend for yourself!!!! He has not fallen short in his Islamic obligations alhamdulillah and I will not either insha Allah. My duty is to my family for Allah's sake. I will not take my husband with me in my grave, but I will take my deeds. Even if I am in denial......at least it's working. I never heard of a hadeeth where Allah punishes anyone for seeing the bright side......Have you??? ; )

Well it seems as if I have sparked some controversy by my last posting. At least this is what it seems after reading some of the comments left for me. I am sooooo happy with all of the many views people have on this subject. Sister HA.... I do not live with my mom. I didn't realize that I had not updated on that particular topic ( moving or not moving). The post you are talking about is when I had contemplated or maybe even decided that I would leave to live closer to my mother because I needed more help. Well I do not know exactly what has happened since then to make me change my mind, but I have indeed changed my mind. I do not think leaving my husband is the solution to all of my problems.....I think leaving him to live by my mother was more of an excuse to run away from my problems. Sometimes I think to myself......Am I in denial? Do I really appreciate the benefits I get from being in a polygamous marriage? Would I prefer to have my husband all to myself once again? The answer is...... I don't really know. All I do know is that I am coping the best way I know how and alhamdulillah it's not all bad. I can honestly say that I do not wake up anymore being consumed by my husband's marriage to Lisa. I can honestly say that I have learned many lessons through this.....good and bad. I can honestly say that I would rather be in denial than be miserable. I have experienced both emotions and I am better where I am now. I am happy with my life as it is. Alhamdulillah for everything!!! I have more blessings than many others. I know people in monogamous marriages who see there husband's less than me, who have more troubles in their marriage than I do and so on and so forth. I have a lot to be thankful for even though my life didn't quite turn out as I pictured it. Do I still feel betrayed?....hmmmmmm I am not sure about that. Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but either way it doesn't change anything. I am not responsible for what my husband does or what lisa does.....I am only responsible for what I do. I am trying to do it the best way I know how and only the future will tell if I am sucessful in polygyny or not. I have my moments as did the wives of the Prophet (saaw). I am weak at times and strong at others and I will continue this cycle till the day I die because this is just how life goes. But one thing is for sure I did not change my view on teaching my kids to at least accept polygyny as an option. I am not saying I want my kids to accept "any" polygynous situation they are put in, but if the man is practicing it according to the Sunnah and upfront and honest then I am all for it. I want them to be as well. Will they too have ups and downs???? You bet they will. They will also have ups and downs in monogamy. All I want is to prepare my kids for whatever they may face and I am trying my best to show them the right behavior when presented with a hardship of this kind. In the end their choices will be their choices....not mine. I just have to do my part. I would be doing my children a dis-service if I were to only present them with the negatives and not the positives.

Insha Allah I am having another girl. That's what the ultrasound says at least. Of course nothing is 100%, but that's what I am going by for now insha Allah. I am happy with that and so is my husband alhamdulillah. We both love girls so the more the merrier insha Allah. So this makes five girls masha Allah!!! Having this many girls has got me thinking of how I am contributing to the higher rate of women versus men. This is of course by the Will of Allah (swt), but it made me realize that the chances of my daughters being in a polygamous relationship will only increase. So what do I want for them? I want to somehow re-program my children. I want my children to grow up loving polygyny. I want them to live with it as a normal fact of life. I do not want my children to feel isolated or betrayed if it were to ever happen to them. No one is saying that they have to enter into polygyny, but I want to prepare them for the possibility of it so it is not a shock if it were to ever happen to them. This weekend I attended a lock-in (sleep-over) at a masjid and one of the lectures that was given was about how to be a happy Muslim wife. One of the other women that attended the gathering was someone I am well acquainted with. This woman is in her 50's, very beautiful, very independent, and very intelligent and is looking to get married. She is in need physically, emotionally and financially for a husband. While she was listening to the lecture you can see the sadness in her face. During the prayer she was crying so much.......I felt awful for her. You can sense her desperation to be a wife. Here she was suffering without a husband, but there were not many available to her. Nowadays most of the men are married especially ones who are close to her age. I really felt bad for her and it made me realize the true need for polygynyous marriages. These sisters are just as worthy of having good husbands as anyone else. Why can't we be better and tell our husbands (if they are capable) to take on another wife? I know it is soooo easy to say and sooooo hard to do, but then what is the solution? If every women says...."Not my man....." Then what will these women be left to do? Jealousy in polygyny is normal no one wants to share their husband, but I feel as Muslims we need to re adjust our mindset and become more accepting rather than rejecting. Polygyny practiced according to the guidelines set in the Sunnah can be a great benefit to all the parties involved and to the ummah as a whole. Insha Allah I plan to start with my little army of girls. Preparing them will strengthen them insha Allah.

Tonight was the first night that I let all my kids go over to Lisa's house while my husband was there and I was not. I guess I had always been afraid of her playing mommy to my kids in front of my husband because I imagined she would probably be a better mom to them than me.

My husband has issues with me about the kids. His main battle with me is over the foods they eat. He hates the words mac and cheese, ramen noodles, frozen pizza, hot pockets, fast food, whatever!! You get the picture. I agree with him that they need to eat healthier foods, but when I cook the healthy stuff they don't eat it and it goes to waste. I figure this is just their age and they will grow out of it insha Allah. I was the same when I was a child.

Anyways these are the things he makes a big deal about or for example spilled food or drinks, food in their room, etc. Yeah these are things that can annoy a person, but we have to remember we are dealing with kids under the age of seven. HELLO!!! This is all normal. Still I guess the shaytan in me thinks that Lisa will show me up in front of him and show him that she can be a better mother than me. I know she is not like that, but the thought creeps up, you know???

So I had to go to the store for some last minute urgent shopping and realized that it wasn't my day and I have all four kids and it was getting late and I couldn't do it alone. I called my husband and asked him if he would be willing to meet me in front of the store right next to their apartment so he can keep an eye on the kids in the car while I run in and get what I need. He said ok. On my way to the store he called me on my cell and asked if it would be ok for me to just bring the kids over to the apartment so he can watch them there because he was extremely tired. Since I wasn't going to be long, I agreed. I dropped them off, did my shopping and headed back to their place to pick up the kids. By the time I arrived my husband had already left to go pray Isha at the masjid so I had to go upstairs and bring the kids down. Well when I got there Lisa looked really good masha Allah. Without describing her I will just say that she looked very made up for someone who was just staying at home. Of course I know she was looking good for him.

Anyways a part of me got jealous right away because I haven't been able to pay much attention to my appearance lately because I have been very sick. I normally love to get dressed up, do my hair and make up, but I just haven't had the energy lately and I know thats normal and that's ok. My husband, to tell you the truth doesn't care either way. He is a very simple man (masha Allah) .....I know he thinks I am beautiful just the way I am. He has made sure to tell me over and over again in our marriage how beautiful I look to him. He doesn't care too much for clothes or make up, in fact he prefers natural beauty.

Anyways to get back to my point.....The shaytan started to play with me trying to make me feel insecure about myself.....as a mother, as a wife, as a woman in general and that's when I had to put him in check. I reminded myself of something my friend once told me that I think has helped me a lot. She told me things always change. She tried to point out that at some point Lisa might have more of my husband's affection and at another point I might have it. She said that she might have years of being kid free with him and then there will come a time when our kids are grown and we too will have our time. She said that I will have troubled times and so will she.....I will have times when I am sick and so will she. Her point was that each of us will get our time.

After some thought I let the jealousy roll of my back and I appreciated how nice Lisa really looked and I thanked her for taking care of my kids. Then on my way home driving from her apartment to mine she texted messaged me thanking me for letting the girls go over there because she had fun with them. I am glad that she did because they did too. My three year old didn't want to leave. lol. Anyways all in all I am just happy to conquer the little whispers.......cause they are just soooooo damn annoying!!!

Here's my boo boo