Monday, August 27, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Friday, January 06, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, August 15, 2010
It is the responsibility of Ummah to provide for our women. We should never have to feel like we have no choice but to either get married to be provided for or to stay in an unhealthy marriage out of fear of financial difficulty. Don't get me wrong I'm not referring to myself here.....My husband is a saint masha Allah compared to some of the men out there, really he is. At the very least he tries. His hands are tied and he bit off more than he can chew. Now he is suffering the consequences of his decisions. The down side is we are all suffering as a result as well. My children love my husband sooooo much. It would be unfair for me to leave him, not for his sake but for theirs. I am not guaranteed that I will find better and really the chances of me finding better are very slim and so if I leave him I will be alone and they will not have a dad around so how exactly would I benefit? I would reclaim my dignity? I am willing to sacrifice my dignity temporarily...eventually the girls will grow older insha Allah and then only time will tell.I joke with my husband sometimes telling him that once the girls get older (insha Allah if I'm still alive) I will still be young and then I will trade him in for a younger model. I'm joking of course. Sometimes making light of the situation is what keeps me sane. Anyways, in the meantime I am trying to improve my iman and I make lots of du3a for my kids and for my marriage. Who is a better helper than Allah? I do not like the situation he put me in but I have to think of the girls even if he didn't.
Anyways back to my point though....I am so tired of hearing the lectures on how to be a good wife. Where are the lectures for the men on how to be good husbands? Where are all the lectures for the men on how to be good fathers? Wouldn't that fix the problems we are facing today in our society? This is a growing epidemic throughout the world and not just the Islamic world. Men are following their desires at the expense of their loved ones. I am not against polygamy when done properly. All persons involved must be on the same page. We must all have the same goal (attaining jannah) and we must all try to help one another for the sake of Allah (swt). Acting selfishly will only result in disunity.
To all the men out there thinking of entering into polygamy.... POLYGAMY IS HARD!!!! IT IS HARD!!! It's a HUGE responsibility and a trust. If you cannot live up to it and the regulations set for it then DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT!
Many men are delusional and believe that they masha Allah can be the SAVIORS of these poor helpless single women out there, all the while neglecting the families they already have and putting these women in worse situations than what they began with. These women deserve better than what you have to offer. They deserve a whole husband not half. If you can only marry a woman if she pitches in some of the bills then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you can only marry another woman if she gives up some of her time, then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you can only marry another woman if the marriage is to remain a secret, then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you can only marry another woman if she receives government assistance, then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you barely make enough to support the first family and barely have enough time for the first family, then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you haven't paid off your debts, then you shouldn't marry another woman. You're not SAVIORS!!!
IF you are really doing it for the sake of Allah then why not marry the one who are really in desperate situations? What about the elderly ladies? Or the disabled ladies? Would you still be that noble? Think about it! If you want to help a Muslim sister out there, there is something called sadaqah and Zakat. Allah (swt) warns that if you cannot be just then JUST ONE! Some men say,"I am being just. I come home late from work to her house just like I come home late from work to the other ones house." LOOOOL! Just in being UNJUST is not what the Quran addressed. May Allah make it easy on the women of this Ummah and bless them with true righteous husbands who are fearful of Allah (swt) and can be righteous towards their wives be it one, two, three or four! Say AMEEN!!! :)
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Monday, September 14, 2009
I do admit that I have been extremely overwhelmed lately with the responsibility of the children and nearly had several nervous breakdowns. I want to be great mom to my kids but feel as if I have let them down. The past couple of years my focus had been shifted to the polygamy issue that I neglected my children's' emotional needs. I realize now that they are my calling. It is my duty to raise them to be pious muslimahs with or without the help of my husband. Alhamdulillah I have been blessed with beautiful children, a wonderful family, and great friends who help me survive.
My husband tries his best masha Allah and I just learned to accept him for who he is and how he is no matter what my expectations are. As long as he is making an effort then that is all that matters. I love him and I am willing to invest to make it work isha Allah. I believe my family is worth it even if I have to self sacrifice. Isn't that what life is about? My focus now is getting my family life back on track. Admitting my faults and trying to correct them even if it seems difficult to do. I've accepted that this is my life. This is Allah's will for me and who am I to defy it? I can't and I won't.
I really recommend to all the women who are reading my blog to go and buy the book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It is helping me a lot and everything she says is so true. I only finished the first chapter, but I really have gained a new perspective on my role in the contribution to the state my marriage is in and what it will take to fix it. Please please please go out and read it. You will love it as I am loving it. And please comment on my page and let me know what you think of the book. I will also try to be better at posting. And by the way I do read all the comments even if I do not reply to them so jazakum Allahu Khairan for your input and encouragement!!!<strong>strong>
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
In the past few weeks we have been separated I have seen a side of my husband that shocks me. I never thought that he would resort to some of his tactics, but he did. Who knows why Allah lets certain things take place? I will make Istikhara and just rely on Allah.
He has made a list of conditions and so have I. We will both be given the chance address these issues and if we cannot come to an agreement than we will just have to agree to disagree and move on. I wish things could be civil, but it doesn't look like it will be that way. Anyways insha Allah I will be ok with whatever decision I make.
For now I have decided to quit blogging. Originally I started writing to serve as a healing process. I wanted to write my emotions down and sort them. It helped a lot and I came out of my misery slowly, but surely. I tried not to backbite my husband and co-wife, but obviously I have failed in that. I have told my husband about my blog and he is aware that I write it and has never asked me to take it off, but Lisa might not like all of this being written about and exposed to people all over the net. I do not want her to have anything against me on the Day of Judgment. I will be accountable in front of Allah as will she for what she does.
Besides you have only read MY side of the story from MY perspective, but do not forget that Lisa and my husband also have their own sides and own perspectives. Who knows maybe if they were to write about me from their vision you would hate me. I wouldn't like it if they blogged about me so I must not do it either. Everyone has their point of view and it would not be fair for me talk about our business without them being given a fair chance to defend themselves.
So this is it. Subhan Allah I had always felt that I was doing something wrong when my blogs started to become more about my anger rather than my trying to work things out. I wanted people to see the positives in polygyny. Maybe it is not possible nowadays because our eman is weak and we cannot withstand such a test. I don't know. All I know is that I have to say Jazaki Allah kul khair to the person who pointed out to me that maybe my blog is one of the reasons I am going through this test. Maybe I should not expose my family in this way. How can I ask Allah to be with me if I disobey him?
In the beginning, I justified writing because no one that read my blog knew me or my husband or Lisa personally, but hey.....word gets around and shaytan adds a hand and there you have it.....several people from my community have come to learn about my blog and read it. I do not want them to judge just based on what I say or how I feel.....This is my vision and who is to say whether or not it's the truth or distorted truth? It really doesn't matter though because it is my life and I have to live it in the end. I need to get over this pity party and get it back together. Insha Allah all will be well and I will update insha Allah without major details to let you know how I am doing. If things take a good turn you never know....I may return, but with a less personal approach. Thanks to all of you who supported me and were there for me. I hope that at least someone somewhere got any good advice that worked for them insha Allah. Fi amman Allah.
Sincerely your sister in Islam.......Vena
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
I think he does not take me seriously about leaving and therefore continues to do whatever it is that he likes. In the end he will be left with his job and Lisa and I hope they make him happy. I am lying!!! I hope it makes him miserable so he can see the blessing that he neglected.
I went to the sheikh again and asked for a divorce. He granted me a separation as a trial to see what happens in the meantime. I am actually surprised by that, but alhamdulillah he seems to sympathize with me and the children. I trust his decision. He wants to give him a reality check. We'll see what happens. He doesn't know what the imam decided because he didn't care enough to ask what we talked about. I am not all about words anymore. I need action and since he won't take any.....I will.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Wallahi I am writing this and thinking how PATHETIC I am. No man and I mean NO MAN is worth me losing my akhira. How have I allowed shaytan to misguide me this much? I feel so bad I want to cry. How did I get into this? This is a great fitnah for me. What if I do not pass it? I have everything to be thankful for and yet I am still worrying about the things that do not matter. I wasn't like this. I don't know when it all started to change.
I keep wishing that my husband would go back to practicing the deen the way he used to, but the truth is that I am not practicing it as I used to as well. Maybe this is supposed to be my chance to put my life back into perspective. We all stray, but the point is to get back on track and keep going and keep growing. I honestly am at loss. I do not know what I want anymore and I do not know how to redirect myself.
Very recently I went to the Imam of my masjid and asked him to grant me a khula. I don't even know if it is what I want or not. I am so confused. Every time I try to be good and patient.....my husband does something totally stupid and then I go back to square one thinking "To hell with it all and to hell with him." Isn't that horrible? I know it is from shaytan, but I do not know how to calm myself anymore. My patience has worn thin. I keep thinking to myself....."why do I have to be the patient one?" "Why do I have to put all the effort?" "Why do I have to let things go?" Why do I have to calm down?" WHY? WHY? WHY? Why the hell can't he be the patient one who puts the effort, calms down and lets things go? Why are we women asked to sacrifice and the men no matter what they do are considered not to be sinning? I am sick and tired of this.
These are my thoughts. I think I am going to drive myself crazy, but then I remember why. I am going to be accountable for my actions. I am going to answer to Allah alone and NO ONE will be there beside me. I will not be able to blame my husband or shaytan. I alone control my actions and I alone will be accounted for them. If I could just keep this thought in my head when I am angry then maybe I could do better, but usually it doesn't last long.
I don't really want to find a third wife for my husband. My main reason for doing it would not be for help. Allah is the one I should be relying on for help. I am not a freakin victim and I have to stop letting shaytan make me think of myself in that light. I AM NOT A VICTIM. I am capable of doing what I do and more, but if I face hardship then I have to turn to the only one who can give me ease. My husband cannot give me ease. Lisa cannot give me easy. A third wife cannot give me ease. Only the one who created me can give me ease. My intention to find him a third would mainly be an act of revenge, but as you all have pointed out.....it could backfire and it would not benefit my kids much. My girls need a dad. They do not need another mom. I actually believe that it would backfire because my intentions are not pure. Anything done with impure intentions will end up with a negative backlash.
Sorry I am babbling, but writing this is actually helping me a lot. I have to win Allah's love, not the love of my husband. I have to beg Allah to forgive me and beg him for strength to overcome this trial. Life is too short to live it worrying about the things that are not in my hands. I am wasting my life and I am missing the good out of my children's' lives. Not to insult my husband, but they deserve my attention....not him. They deserve my love....not him. They deserve my appreciation.....not him. They deserve stability and comfort.....not him. They deserve to have me.....not him.
Monday, June 16, 2008
My thoughts are many.....but I am going to share two of them that have become repetitive.
Thought#1 : I keep toying with the idea of finding my husband a third wife who would not only be a part of my husband's life, but also a part of mine and my children's' lives. I want my husband to have a wife who cares for us as much as herself. A wife who is not selfish. Is it my right to enforce that???? NO WAY, but I can wish; can't I? I want us to help one another. I want her to give as much as she takes. I want her to think of the families well being as a whole.
I do not believe in the idea that he is one man with two separate marriages. This is bull! Our lives will always be intertwined. It can never truly be separate. My marriage to him effects her life as does her marriage to mine. I am way past the shock of him getting another wife so why not find someone who will be a good friend to me as well? As long as he does it with my knowledge and approval then I can defeat the jealous feelings insha Allah.
I know my husband would consider it. He's toyed at the idea with me. But I know someone who might mind and consideration would be out of the question. lol! I know it may seem mean, but I have to be honest that the thought crosses my mind like this.....Why not kill two birds with one stone? Why not make what went around, come around??? Yes.....PAYBACK! A part of me still wants revenge. Does it still bother me after 2 1/2 years what they did??? HELL YEAH, it bothers me a lot. I know it is Qadr Allah, but it still strikes a soar spot for me. Betrayal, humiliation, deceit. These are not things easily forgotten.
When I am with her and we are friends I tend to forget these feelings completely, but when we do not talk.....my thoughts return to how it happened. Yes I know this is from shaytan.
Anyways! Believe it or not, Lisa recently accused my husband of having similar intentions for a friend of mine. It caused a problem between the two of them and deep down I was so thrilled. She finally feels that threat that I felt so looooong ago. But I was also irked by the fact that she was not as willing to share her husband as she thought I should have been willing to do.
Why was it OK for her to do it to me, but not for it to be done to her????? OOOOOh now I am pissed!!! Well her excuse would be (because we discussed this subject before) that she already doesn't have enough time with him to share more time with another wife. Well you know what I say???? Too Freakin bad; you didn't think of me when you took from my time or my children's time. You cared about yourself and he cared about himself. You didn't care that "TIME" was my main issue of concern with my husband before you even entered into the picture and yet you were so ready to take half of it. She took most of my time. Not only do I have to share with five children, but I have to share with her too....well adding one more to the mix won't make that much difference anymore.
My husband and I are growing further apart so why should I care if the time is even less? Let him get a third (who might actually end up being the second) and at the same time I can benefit from his marriage. Why should they be the only ones to gain? Sounds crazy I know, but hey those are "Thoughts of a first wife." If I do find someone for him I would want her to have kids and she would have to be a selfless person. I would help her as much as she would help me. It would be about sisterhood and family!
Thought #2 : Do I just want to win? Do I want payback and or revenge? Do I really want my husband all to myself? Do I even really want him after all he has put me through? Sometimes I think I just want to prove to her that in the end I will win. I know I wondered in the last posts about his feelings for me, but deep down I know where his heart is. I know it would just take a few days of me being gone before he realizes what I was to him. I know he loves me. People tell me he lusts for her.....whether that is true or not is not what matters. He has it easy over there so he will never give that up as long as I am making it easy for him.
My husband and I have a bond between us that I know he will miss when I am not there. Sometimes I feel the need to leave to open his eyes to what he can lose. My husband is more comfortable with me because I am not as jealous as she is. But this makes him watch himself with her and sometimes over look things with me because he figures I wouldn't make as big of a deal. I mess with him all the time and tell him that he is scared of her. lol. That really irritates him, but that's the point isn't it? Like I said I am just being honest with myself in this post. Even if people do not like what I am saying or how I am thinking.....all that matters is that they are "MY thoughts". Thoughts of a First wife!!!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Another thing you said was, "This other sister is not competing against you; you have already defeated yourself. Stop comparing yourself!!" All I have to say is WOW!!! That is so true and I never looked at it that way. You are right about finding my own things to focus on and lately that's just what I've been doing.
I am taking child daycare management classes that I hope to complete soon. I babysit A LOT so why not make it a profession??!!!! I thought I would take it a step further and do this for myself so I would not have to depend on anyone. Alhamdulillah recently I have been getting more business and it has been a great distraction. I am not going to lie though....I have had some lapses lately. I will mention it later today insha Allah, but for now I have to get to my kids.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Anyways recently she babysat my kids when I really needed someone and it gave us a chance to talk. We talked and decided we wanted to try being friends again. He didn't like that idea because she always take things that I say and argues with him about it.Mind you most of it when it gets back to me is out of context. Well when he finally agreed to let us try again....she did it again.
She tells him everything and so he assumes I am this huge blabber mouth. Whatever!!! She told me lots of things that were HUGE that I never even mentioned to him. He made her swear not to tell me something.....and she did.....and he never knew about it until she told him that I knew. And this was something big that I could have gotten upset over, but I didn't tell him because I promised I wouldn't. Anyways I was upset at first because he forbid us from talking, but later I saw his point. I talk to her just like I would talk to any of my friends and maybe that is a mistake. Things are not like before. I am very naive and I guess that is just my nature. You have seen it happen many times over and over on this blog where I set myself up for disappointment.
I did come to the realization though that I am not against polygamy. I do think it has a lot of advantages as opposed to the disadvantages, but you have to have three things.....#1 A reassuring husband #2 Involved father with the children #3 a co-wife who is helpful. I am not saying it is mandatory for her to help me, but it would be a gesture of good faith and kindness. Let's not forget the reward one gets anyways for helping their sister in Islam. But I guess that's just wishful thinking, but I do catch myself sometimes wishing for a third wife who can help me out. lol!!
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
This reminds me of pure love for the sake of Allah and reminds me of the hadeeth......
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet (p.b.u.h) said, "Seven people will be shaded by Allah under His shade on the day when there will be no shade except His. They are:
(1) a just ruler;
(2) a young man who has been brought up in the worship of Allah, (i.e. worship Allah (Alone) sincerely from his childhood),
(3) a man whose heart is attached to the mosque (who offers the five compulsory congregational prayers in the mosque);
(4) two persons who love each other only for Allah's sake and they meet and part in Allah's cause only;
(5) a man who refuses the call of a charming woman of noble birth for an illegal sexual intercourse with her and says: I am afraid of Allah;
(6) a person who practices charity so secretly that his left hand does not know what his right hand has given (i.e. nobody knows how much he has given in charity).
(7) a person who remembers Allah in seclusion and his eyes get flooded with tears."
Bukhari Vol. 2 : 504
Here is some things I resolve to do or not to do......
1. I resolve to NOT look through my husbands text messages.....YIKES!!!! Don't want to see that again!!!! Insha Allah.
2. I resolve to NOT ask for a divorce unless it is absolutely necessary. Insha Allah.
3. I resolve to put my family as a priority over all other people and matters. Husband and Kids come first before all others. Insha Allah.
4. I resolve to memorize at LEAST two Juz's from the Quran this year. Insha Allah. I know that is nothing, but hey if I aim low I can always go more.
5. I resolve to go back to praying my sunnah prayers as I once did. Insha Allah.
6. I resolve to listen to at least two lectures a week and read at least one Islamic book a month insha Allah.
7. I resolve to give my kids the one on one attention that they each need. Insha Allah.
8. I resolve to learn how to sew by taking a sewing class. insha Allah. I need a hobby to keep me busy; don't you think?
9. I resolve to show my husband I love him by doing something special for him (even if it is as small as saying "I love you") each day. Insha Allah. But let's be realistic if we are fighting and it's his fault than he can forget it. ; ) lol!
10. I resolve to listen to yosra's advice and make 2008 a great year insha Allah.
If you have any ideas for me then please share.