Monday, August 14, 2006

Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah!!!!! This morning I feel such a rush of empowerment. YA ALLAH.....What a feeling!!! I love it. The reason I feel sooooooo good masha Allah is because I did not let shaytan provoke me this morning and last night.

Last night masha Allah my husband was being so sweet. He came home in the morning after working night shift and went straight to bed. I let him sleep till about 4:00 p.m., woke him up to pray, then fed him and then it was time for him to go to the next prayer. When he came back he found me, his sister and the kids dressed and ready to go anywhere. For some reason when we go out I feel that I am spending more time with him. He was being soooo sweet complimenting my new hijab and looking online with me and then asked me where I would like to go. I didn't know where we could go considering just about everything was closed due to it being after 6:00 p.m. on a Sunday, but I told him that I didn't really care where we went as long as we were together. Even the car ride was enough for me. In the car I read to him the part in the book about jealousy and how it causes the "emotional highs" and then the lows and I explained to him that I think that this is part of the reason why I can't make up my mind about Lisa. I told him that some days I am fine and others I am not. He said that he knew that I was always sincere with her and that he understands. My husband masha Allah always compliments me by telling me what a nice person I am. He sometimes says that I am like a kid.....meaning almost too nice or maybe he meant naive. lol. Whatever, he still said it as a compliment. So anyways getting to the part where I controlled my emotions was when we went to a store aclled Jerusalem. He went inside to get something and when he came out he was standing at the doorway of the store (where I can see him) and it was obvious he was fighting with her. I could tell by the way he was standing and the way he was gesturing. That's a wife's intuition thingy. So he is standing there fighting with her a long time and I didn't let it get to me (self control). He came in the car and was visibly upset and it felt as if he wanted me to ask what happened, but I fought my urges and told myself it was between them and none of my business and just left it at that (another self control). So this time I didn't get involved in his marriage to her and I didn't get mad that he was spending time fighting with her on my time. lol. This is a step in the right direction right??

Last night I had a feeling as to what the fight was about. She works days and recently my husband has been pushed in the corner to work nights. So she goes to work from 9:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. and then he goes to work from 6 or 7 p.m. to 6 or 7 a.m. so that leaves them with very few hours to be together every other day. Anyways and in the time she is at work on her days he sometimes comes over here if he is not working so he can get to see the kiddos. Well this schedule is really irritating her (not that I care too much), but I understand where she is coming from because if it was me I would be pissed too. Alhamdulillah it's not me! She was already pissed last night that he spent the whole day with me and only half a day with her.....The reason for that is because Sundays are not busy and his boss is trying to screw him over. This morning she calls him and I knew she planned to pick him up before she went to work to take him to her apartment so he doesn't spend more time with me. She probably complained to him that it's not fair and blah..blah..blah.. so he got dressed and didn't tell me anything, but I knew what was about to happen. I didn't open my mouth to fight with him although normally I would. Sometimes I try to give my husband a hard time on purpose so he sees how difficult it is to have 2 women. Yes I know that's wrong!!!

Anyways I am getting off track. So he is ready to leave and she comes to get him and he goes although she had once told me that when she starts working she didn't mind him being with me while she's at work. She told me that she wouldn't trap him in her apartment alone when he could be spending time with us. I guess when we had our fall-out that changed things a bit.

No big deal. Some of my friends were coming over today anyways so it helped me out a bit because if he was here our plan would have had to change. lol. I am going to get to see him anyways because I am going to the grocery store with him that's next to their apartment so we can go and do some shopping. lol. So what I have to say is Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! I feel so happy that I was able to fight off shaytan and I know that this means he will try harder the next time, but insha Allah I will keep preparing myself for that so I can fight him off even stronger.

8 comments:

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Alhumdullilah...good job

Muslim Mommie said...

As-salaamu Alaykum, sounds like you've got'em beat, alhumdullilah. Keep up the good work. I know how hard it can be to be patient but it feels so good when you've fought the shaytaan off, it well worth the reward. You go girl :)

Safa said...

Masha ALLAH, Vena.....masha ALLAH! I think you did a wonderful job at not asking him what the fight was about.....u were right in saying that it had nothing to do with you.

Now if I can say something about him staying in an empty apt, cuz its her turn....I don't see how that benefits anyone.....he's not in jail, is he?? I think that would be quite selfish of her to insist he sits there. You know, although she has her rights to him 50% of the time, his kids have rights to him 100% of the time. So maybe you can throw together quick plans for hubby to take the kids to the park or something instead of just sitting there......

Now I wanted to advise you about something. Although I think that it's great that you are reading this book with ur hubby, I would like to point out the value of knowledge. When he's sitting there, as you read it....of course he's going to say how perfect it is, how much it's great to really understand it....but I swear that most men...block out after the first 10 minutes. Knowledge is more valuable when searched for itself.....it hits deeper. So how about reading it first, underlining specific parts and then asking him to read it afterwards and maybe discussing the underlined parts?? I hope you see where I'm coming from.........

peacefulmuslimah said...

Well, when it comes to dividing time but her basically being inaccessible during "their" time, this is an issue that is a little tricky. I can relate to her a little because I felt the same way about my hubby. I didn't like that my hubby has 2 homes in his country (my flat and her mansion! LOL!) and rather than dividing his time between them he lives with her all the time when I am not there (which is about 3/4 to 4/5's of the time). At first my feeling was that it made him feel like our flat was just some hotel room that he rented by the hour with his mistress (me) and he didn't view it as his home on the same level that he does her home. That has made me very insecure -- and that has had a negative impact on our relationship. I also felt it gave her an unfair advantage because out of default basically he spends the overwhelming majority of nights with her.

But the truth is that he might as well be comfortable when I am not available. If that means staying with his other wife and kids, I guess I have to accept that unless and until I decide to move there at which time I will expect EQUAL time and comparable accomodations.

In this situation with your husband, I can understand her jealousy. But I also think she will be best served to try to get over it. Maybe you can show some understanding and suggest that he do something just with your kids, excusing yourself from participating. That will communicate to her that you are not trying to use any of her time as an unfair advantage to harm their relationship.

Just a thought....

Take care and keep working at it.

Salaam Alaikum,
PM

peacefulmuslimah said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Relief said...

Salamu alaykum,

It sounds like you are doing very well mashallah. The longer that you are in polygyny the easier it tends to get al hamdulilaah and you are just beginning this journey.

I can relate to that feeling of wanting to control my time of the husband. I remember long ago when it was my day I would spend it with my zoge but on my cowife's day she would go out with her friends and leave him alone with the kids to babysit. He would then call me up to talk and say she left him for the day. As soon as he heard her come in he would rush off the phone guiltily. Although really it was her choice as she decided to go off with friends and he allowed her to please her so if he got lonely and called me how can she get mad.

Our Rewards Await Us said...

I'm reading from the bottom up...but I did see the post right above where you said that shaytan did get to you after all....I just want to say it is very hard. I am thanking Allah right now that I have been able to keep shaytan away from me and not say anything snotty to my hubby or ask him about the cw for 4 1/2 days now (that might not seem like a lot...but for me it is a huge thing!)...not even a "how is she doing" from me. But each day it has felt a little easier....not getting myself wrapped up in their marriage and problems anymore. Now if only I can break my habit of checking to see how often he's calling her! I used to do this when I first found out about her...then I stopped...but since we moved from living together I started doing it again. Insha'Allah I can forget about it again and focus solely on my relationship with him.

vena said...

I know exactly how you feel. I am sooooo sick of there marriage being the center of my world. I just want to focus on my kids without this unnecessary distraction. What can we do????Qadr Allah Alhamdulillah! We could be going through much worse things. I have recently started a yahoo group called Thewivesclub_polygamy and one of my friends wrote a really nice entry....you should check it out one day. It is really filled with truth. I hope you enjoy it. Let me know if you do not find it.