Wednesday, July 09, 2008

This is it!!!

So this is it. Not only is this going to be my last entry, but this is the day where my husband and I decide to hang in there or call it quits. This past month or so has been horrible. Full of trials and heart break, but alhamdulillah for everything. I am ok and Insha Allah I will continue to be ok. I will make Istikhara before we meet and will go according to what I feel. So far things point to divorce.

In the past few weeks we have been separated I have seen a side of my husband that shocks me. I never thought that he would resort to some of his tactics, but he did. Who knows why Allah lets certain things take place? I will make Istikhara and just rely on Allah.

He has made a list of conditions and so have I. We will both be given the chance address these issues and if we cannot come to an agreement than we will just have to agree to disagree and move on. I wish things could be civil, but it doesn't look like it will be that way. Anyways insha Allah I will be ok with whatever decision I make.

For now I have decided to quit blogging. Originally I started writing to serve as a healing process. I wanted to write my emotions down and sort them. It helped a lot and I came out of my misery slowly, but surely. I tried not to backbite my husband and co-wife, but obviously I have failed in that. I have told my husband about my blog and he is aware that I write it and has never asked me to take it off, but Lisa might not like all of this being written about and exposed to people all over the net. I do not want her to have anything against me on the Day of Judgment. I will be accountable in front of Allah as will she for what she does.

Besides you have only read MY side of the story from MY perspective, but do not forget that Lisa and my husband also have their own sides and own perspectives. Who knows maybe if they were to write about me from their vision you would hate me. I wouldn't like it if they blogged about me so I must not do it either. Everyone has their point of view and it would not be fair for me talk about our business without them being given a fair chance to defend themselves.

So this is it. Subhan Allah I had always felt that I was doing something wrong when my blogs started to become more about my anger rather than my trying to work things out. I wanted people to see the positives in polygyny. Maybe it is not possible nowadays because our eman is weak and we cannot withstand such a test. I don't know. All I know is that I have to say Jazaki Allah kul khair to the person who pointed out to me that maybe my blog is one of the reasons I am going through this test. Maybe I should not expose my family in this way. How can I ask Allah to be with me if I disobey him?

In the beginning, I justified writing because no one that read my blog knew me or my husband or Lisa personally, but hey.....word gets around and shaytan adds a hand and there you have it.....several people from my community have come to learn about my blog and read it. I do not want them to judge just based on what I say or how I feel.....This is my vision and who is to say whether or not it's the truth or distorted truth? It really doesn't matter though because it is my life and I have to live it in the end. I need to get over this pity party and get it back together. Insha Allah all will be well and I will update insha Allah without major details to let you know how I am doing. If things take a good turn you never know....I may return, but with a less personal approach. Thanks to all of you who supported me and were there for me. I hope that at least someone somewhere got any good advice that worked for them insha Allah. Fi amman Allah.

Sincerely your sister in Islam.......Vena