Thursday, August 10, 2006

Yesterday my husband got my hopes up by telling me that things might be over between him and Lisa. I wanted to literally jump out of my seat, but I didn't. I asked him what had happened and we started talking as we used to, like friends. He really opened up to me although he has been very edgy lately and that made me feel really close to him. I miss the way our relationship used to be. Now he is soooo stressed due to finances and that's without him even paying her bills. It's frustrating to me, but I try to be understanding. Anyways he read me a part of a text message she wrote him that really pissed me off. She mentioned something to him about him not to come home and then she said something to the effect of, " I hope she will be woman enough for you." WHAT THE HELL???? I let it be and just continued the conversation with my husband. Anyways he was telling me things were coming to an end and his feelings about it and I really didn't want to get my hopes up too high. She can say anything out of anger and they can easily make up. We do it all the time. Anyways that's exactly what happened. I guess she cooled down, called him and told him she was going to pick him up from my house (it was her day). I was upset, but cooled off quickly. It's better to expect that they will be together forever so my heart doesn't break over and over again. This way I will just deal with coping. So when I got to the coping part I decided to write my husband a text message. I wrote :

ME: Whatever you decide to do concerning your marriage 2 her, I want you to know that I will support you even if u do not do what I hope. I am not going anywhere because you are worth a lot to me. Bahibak (I love you) Haboobi (my love).

Then she had the nerve to snoop in his phone and reply to me at 5:32 a.m. saying

HER: He is not doing what you're hoping too.

Well she ruined my morning and I wasn't about to keep quiet so I wrote her back and said

Me: Don't get too cocky now or I may just tell you some things u don't want to hear and then what I want 2 happen will.

Then I said.....

Me: Naughty naughty!!! Good wives don't snoop in their husband's phone. I thought you were woman enough and I'm not.

Then she replied back saying.....

Her: And where did you get the thing that you're not woman enough part? Clearly from his phone. And about the other message u can tell me whatever you want, I will not leave him unless the problem is within our relationship and I will stand by him no matter what too.

Me: Just for your info. I didn't snoop like you...He read me your messages.

Anyways he got mad at her for reading his messages and for replying to a message that wasn't even sent to her. Then he got mad at me for telling her that he read me her texts. Then he got mad at both of us for going back and forth and forbade us to text message eachother again. Then I got mad at her because of what she did and said. Then I got mad at him for not locking his phone like I told him, not controlling his wife, getting married to her in the first place, and for him getting mad at me. I told him I had enough. He has to choose between me and her. He said no one is going to give him an ultimatum. WANNA BET???? Anyways so today was full of a lot of fitnah, but the positive part is that she won't pick up the phone when he calls. AstaghfurAllah is it a sin to be happy about that??? She will pick up soon enough, but too soon for me.

15 comments:

Our Rewards Await Us said...

Assalaamu alaikum dear sister...you are right to not get your hopes up that he will leave her...even if he says that he's planning on it. I've hurt myself over and over again because of this. Finally...I just don't believe my husband when he says it anymore. I think they get some sort of thrill out of the constant fighting and threats to leave...and now he's bringing that into our relationship. Allah help me!

I feel your pain...although our situations are slightly different...this is yet another case of deception and lies in polygyny. May Allah guide all of us Muslims to be better, insha'Allah.

I look forward to reading your blog...I got it from reading mizazeez's blog (Polygynous Blessings). I like reading her blog....at least she has a positive experience and is looking at it as a blessing, masha'Allah. Check mine out...it's a doozie!

mizazeez said...

assalaamu ^alayki wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu my beloved sister in islam. subhanAllah, i just got finished reading all of your posts. first, i want to say that insha'Allah i pray that Allah rewards you for all the support and da'wah that you gave to "lisa" before she became your co-wife. i know in hindsight you feel like it was your reaching out to her that led to her becoming interested in your husband and even considering polygyny, which is probably the case. however, as hard as it is, don't view this as a bad thing. i know you have read my blog so you might remember how i stressed how the way we deal with polygyny is all about perspective. even though your husband and co-wife hid their marriage from you for a month, from what you have written, i really don't think this was done with ill-intentions. it was done because they truly wanted to protect your feelings. i know once you found out everything you felt betrayed and it was like, "why didn't they just tell me from the beginning instead of lying? i'm hurting more now than i would have if they would have just told me the truth." but honestly, it was the qadr of Allah that it happened as it did. you can't go back and change anything. you have to look forward. but you can't look forward until you cope with the past.

sister, i truly feel that in order for you to cope and really be able to come to some sort of peace with the situation you have to cut all communication with your co-wife off. the irregular communication between you two, whether it's you apologizing or you two arguing back and forth, will only hinder your ability to fully heal and deal with your new situation. that's why you seem to be going through this back and forth thing where one day you feel fine and want to reconcile with her and then the next your feelings of betrayal and hurt rear their ugly head. all of the back and forth is indicative of you going through the "coping" process. but you need to do this without the interference of contact with the co-wife. that will only throw you off the track to true healing.

also, for future reference, try to speak as little as possble to your husband about your co-wife, your feelings about your co-wife, your feelings about them being married. this will only add more strain to your marriage and will hinder your ability to heal and possibly even develop some type of cordiality between yourself and your co-wife. i know it's hard but she is his wife now and so what happens in their household is their business and really not yours, and vice versa. when hhubby is with you, focus on you two, on your marriage with him. when he's not with you, focus on your personal healing and eeman. strenghthen your relationship with Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala and your reliance on Him. and when you need to vent, write on your blog, call sisters that you know you can talk to that will give you good naseeha devoid of emotional bias and will constantly remind you of Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala.

i also recommend reading "From Monogamy to Polygyny: A Way Through." SubhanAllah, this book helped me in dealing with my husband taking a second wife. It was so good that I read it twice! if you want i can send you a link to where you can buy it.

i know this is long but i just really can relate to your situation and i feel for you. i wish that i could just sit and talk with you. sister trust me, there is calm after the storm, but you have to work to attain that calm. it's not just going to plop in your lap. pray to Allah to remove the pain from your heart and bring ease to your life. focus on YOU for right now. you need it. love ya fisabilillah and you are in my duaat.

peacefulmuslimah said...

Salaam Alaikum Sister,

Thanks for joining our club -- although most of us don't join willingly! LOL!

But seriously, I have to agree with mizazeez aboout cutting off the communication for now. Neither of you can expect to be thinking as firmly grounded Muslims with all the emtional stuff you ahve going on right now.

You will probably never really know why they kept their marriage a secret and lied to you (and I don't necessarily agree with mizazeez about this issue) but in time it may not matter.

I also think the fact that she was your friend and that you acknowledge having missed that at some points, suggests that at some point in the future you may be able to have limited friendly contact. But so much of that will depend on what your husband does to promote confidence, love and security in both his marriages. Unfortunately, most men aren't up to the task.

And lastly, I would agree with my sweet sister ORAU to not focus on their relationship's survival as a factor in your own marriage. Besides, even if she ever is out of the picture, the fact is that your husband sees polygyny as an option for him so you can no longer count on being in a monogamous marriage.

Insha'Allah though, blogging will help a lot. Coming out of the P-Closet has really allowed me to start considering how best to live with it. You are in my prayers Sister.

Salaam Alaikum,
PM

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

hey hey...salammu alaikum,
I am the odd man out cuz I am a number 2 but I love you all the same.....Vena---Insha'Allah I wish the best for you---welcome....

Safa said...

I just read all of ur BLOG, from the bottom up. I am blown away....and totally feel your pain....we are all going thru different versions of the same story and coping is always jihad. May Allah make it easy for you.....I like the term, coming outta the P-closet. Funny.

Ummabdur-rahman may be a # 2, but ur always # 1 with me.......

peacefulmuslimah said...

Hey! I am #2 too (or is that tutu?)!

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

PM---we know you wear a tutu but you don't need to tell everyone about it....
I love you.....

Musleema said...

Mizazeez, Mashallah, you always come off optimistic and I like that and as I too try to stay positive. As the prophet (saaw) said the believers are hopeful. Although, I disagree wholeheartedly that we Muslim women should just give in and accept or come to terms with Muslim men starting or engaging in haraam relationships just because they eventually lead to the haraam. Laa yajooz, that's not permissible. And never should a Muslima believe that she HAS to accept the haraam in her life just because her husband is the one who is bringing it. Shaytan always beautifies the haraam, but the Muslim is the one who is suppose to stay clear headed and recognize that this is just another trick and stay clear of it. Had this story been flipped and it was a Muslima who started intermingling with a non Mahram, fell in love with him and then married, or better yet, what if it was your own daughter or son who acted so shamelessly and carelessly how would you think of it then?

Vena to you I say continue to put your trust in Allah and be patient. I do agree with Mizazeez that you need to leave this sister alone and just stick to the rights you owe her and every other Muslim. My grandmother always said when things don't start off right, then never end right. And subhan'Allah, if that isn't wisdom for all times, I don't know what is. Allah is al Adil and He is also the Al Wadud - the Loving and His Love is unlike any man's. It never waivers. Insha'Allah, put Allah first. Fear Allah first. Please Allah First and insha'Allah then you will find His aide readibly available to you.

vena said...

As salamu alikum Sisters....Jazakum Allah khair for all the wonderful advice and support I really needed that today. I had a really horrible fight with my husband not too long ago (not about her) and I was feeling soooooo lost and I didn't know what to do. Sometimes I just want to take my four kids and escape from it all, but I know that is not being realistic. I am in the process of reading that bok right now and Subhan Allah it is helping a lot and believe it or not I just bought a copy for my co-wife today and gave it to my husband to give to her. I hope it helps.

peacefulmuslimah said...

Maash'Allah Vena! You really seem to have great instincts regarding polygyny. I pray your husband does too because that will make a winning combination.

Salaam Alaikum,
PM

Safa said...

Do you understand Arabic Vena? You mentioned that you were egyptian.....there is a double tape by Muhammed Hussein Yaqoub called "Lil mitazowajeen faqt"..."for married couples only"....it is amazing....and puts you in the right frame of mind to be a good wife.....as well as having hubby realize his duties of being a good husband.......I've given away many sets of this as presents...don't know if it's something you could get ur hands on.....

vena said...

wa alikum as salam Safa....Maybe I can find the lecture online on Islamway.com. Yes I understand arabic. I love his lectures. Obviously you understand arabic too right??? Do you mind me asking how you ended up in Egypt???

Safa said...

I suppose that's what I'll write about today...how I ended up in Egypt....take a look over at my blog later....

I'm speaking arabic fluently now....and just love Mohameed Hussein Yaqoubs lectures....he comes on Channel An Nass as well.....

Safa said...

"even though your husband and co-wife hid their marriage from you for a month, from what you have written, i really don't think this was done with ill-intentions. it was done because they truly wanted to protect your feelings."

With the utmost respect, mizazeez, I have to comment on this.

Rather than say that this was not done with ill intentions, but to protect Vena's feelings....I see otherwise. I see that the whole situation had NOTHING to do with Vena.....it was about her hubby and Lisa. No one loves someone else, more than they love themself. It is islamic to do so.....but it isn't much of a reality when it comes down to the muslims of today. What difference does telling her before and telling her after have to do with protecting her feelings? How does it protect her when they tell her after the fact?? And what about the whole, lets talk in private story? That was just a ruse to somehow get out of the situation they had created. Again, in a deceiving manner. I see Vena has plenty of right to be upset, maybe not with the fact of another wife, as much as with the fact of the betrayal by both parties, but mainly her husband. It was HE who made the choice.

I agree with you totally about staying away from co wife.....she's pulling at threads....and it seems like she is quite mean. It must be the worst thing in the world to love someone so much and have them hurt you, by using someone else that you love so much.

Vena: Never EVER regret anything you did for Lisa, do not sacrifice ur hasanaat easily. You did what you did with Lisa out of total selflessness and goodness and piety. Be pleased with urself as a muslimah.....you are doing wonderful at something that would have others lying in their beds sobbing into their pillows. I'm glad to know you....

Diana said...

I hope it is okay for me to comment here.

I am an American Christian who is about to marry an expat who is working in Dhahran. I found this blog as I was searching for information on the Saudi lifestyle.

WoW! I find the whole situation amazingly captivating and heartbreaking at the same time. Is this lifestyle very common? Do the men take wives without informing their first wife? Can they keep it secret for very long? Are there ANY women who willingly agrees to this??

Here, I believe that the first wife in a polygamist house is in charge of all the other wives. Of course, polygamy is illegal here so I do not personally know of any.

Vena, I wish you much luck and love. I will keep you in my prayers.