Saturday, August 12, 2006

You know what I always tell my husband? I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but I say that men are not like dogs like some people say.......Dogs are more loyal. I hate that I sound so bitter, but I just hear so many stories of how we women sacrifice for their men only to have them either unappreciate them or go find someone else. I am sick of this.

I am sick of people telling me that I need to basically kiss my husband's behind so he turn to his other wife. Why should I reward him for the hurt he caused me? If I do it I will do it for the sake of Allah ALONE.....not for him or for her.

Well speaking of them, I saw them together today. We just happened to run into eachother coincidently at the same Arab restaurant he was supposed to take me to yesterday. Well they had just left there. He knew I was going there because I had texted him where I was going and he decided to leave, but he didn't leave soon enough. I caught them!!! lol. She was in the car waiting for him while he went to the sweet store and then he saw me as I was driving past him going to park. Then he got in the car and started driving away. So I called him and said sweet and loud in the phone......"What Habooooooobi no salamu alikum?" He told me that he was going to, but that I drove off. So he turned around and parked again and came to check on our baby to see how her head was. Anyways my daughter was thrilled to see him. Then I said to him, "I hope you had a nice lunch." He replied, "Not really Alex (his boss) ruined it for me." So I said, "Good. I'm glad." I know that was mean, but I was just so angry that he had ruined our outing the day before because of the dumb insurance paper and here he is going with her there for lunch. Sometimes I think he takes her out more cause it's less expensive. With her he only has to pay for 2 people and with us we are 3 adults and 3 kids that eat (not that the kids eat that much to begin with, but you know what I mean). Anyways My daughter started chasing after him as he was leaving to go back to her car and I told her to come back. Then it looked as if he was going to take her over to the car so she could see her and I FREAKED. I shouted, "Don't you dare." Then he gave me this look as if he wanted to say that he can take her there if he wanted, but then he let it go and left. Then I called him for another reason and I think she got mad, but whatever. I always called him when I wanted before. I try not to have that attitude too much though because I wouldn't want her to do it to me, but sometimes I can't help it. Anyways later I was upset with myself that I showed him that I was bothered by them. I wish I could have acted like I cared less. But you girls know how jealousy can rear it's ugly head.

In the book I am reading "From Monogamy to Polygny: A Way Through" it talks about how jealousy leads to anger and anger can tend to lead to violence. Alhamdulillah there hasn't been any violence (not yet anyways....lol ;) J/K). It talks about jealousy being in the nature of women, but that there are proper protocols to dealing with it to avoid triggering anger. Another thing they mention is the high women get when they are jealous which can cause them to get angry, but that after that high is gone the woman realizes her mistake and then her feelings turn from anger to regret. I guess this explains the flip flopping of emotions I experience with Lisa. She sees it as if I am playing with her, but wallahi I don't feel as if I am. I say things out of jealousy probably because shaytan provokes me through my thoughts (or maybe it's even my nafs) and then the real vena comes back after the anger has passed and tries to make amends. I hope she notices that point when she reads the book, if she reads it. In the book it addresses that when the emotional high is gone the woman experiences a low that is filled with regret, embarrassment and guilt. That is sooooooo true. Anyways hopefully he takes me out tomorrow to make up for the day HE messed up.

7 comments:

Safa said...

I'm sick of people telling me to be the good wife when it comes to hubby as well. Telling me do the dress up, be nice, blah blah blah. He wasn't missing anything, when she wasn't around in the first place. How am I supposed to play the perfect wife? Am I reduced to acting? Sheesh. When people tell u that, they make me feel like I was a horrible woman that's why he looked for someone else. Yet another blow.....

But seriously, Vena.....u weren't vey nice. It's important that ur hubby remains a MAN in front of ur co wife......for you to be the way you were, knowing that she's noticing....and the phone call....it looks like ur the one wearing the pants. And would give ur hubby enough fuel to FREAK on you. I know jealousy is an issue, I know...i know....and I've made my share of hurtful mistakes that I regret, that aren't even in my nature to begin with. But you gotta put a rein on that, okay?

And you know, I'm telling myself that first......

vena said...

You're right about making him feel like a man. I messed up, but alhamdulillah he is very understanding of my situation so he lets things like this go. She was in the car though and didn't hear anything that went on. She didn't even look in our direction. By the way check out the post I posted for you.

peacefulmuslimah said...

Salaam Alaikum Sister,

Biy you are really having some trials right now but I still feel that in time you will work this out insha'Allah. Just one question, though. Is your husband alternating nights and does that work for you?

And one other thing: you haven't spoken about the children and it seems there are a lot of them. How are they all dealing with the situation? Maybe you can focus on them for now and try to manage your anger for their sakes.

Give it more time, sweet sister.

PM

Musleema said...

Good point about the children. Unfortunatey all of the kids who I grew up with who were reared in polygynous marriages are far, far away from Islam now that they are adults. I'm not saying this is true for all children of polygyny but for many it appears that they have a real hard time dealing with the constant kaleidoscope of emotions in their homes, even though the parents try to keep it from them.

Our Rewards Await Us said...

Vena...is your husband Arab? Just curious.

vena said...

yeah my husband is arab. He's palestinian, but born and raised in Saudi.

vena said...

My husband is alternating nights and it is very frustrating. It doesn't feel as if I have a husband anymore. I don't know how the kids are handling things. I think my 7 year old is the one being affected the most. She knows I am sad, but she deosn't say anything to me about it. I know it is going to have an impact on her especially considering he is her step-father.