Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Today was such a loooooong day. Alhamdulillah the day started out good. My mom and I went to go get our hair done. She got a cut and the new Japanese relaxer, I got a cut and fixed my highlights, and my little amoonie (my 2 year old) got her first official hair cut (she looks like a but a very cute boy). Anyways we got our hair done and that took most of the day and on our way to go meet a friend of mine at the girls' school my car stopped. Man what luck? If my husband finds out he will literally freak. He keeps complaining about the gas prices and therefore he doesn't want me to make any unnecessary trips outside of the house. I am the type of person who likes to socialize and Lisa is the type who likes to stay home. Well I can't really say that she is that way because when we used to hang out she likes to go out and socialize as well, but you have to think of it this way.....She works and gets out of the house so when she comes home she just wants to be there and relax. Me on the other hand am home all day with 5 kids (my niece included) and I go crazy and want to get out. We are different people, but I don't think think this is a major flaw in me. If my husband tells me to stay home, I fuss a little but obey. Anyways this was her night and I had to call him because my car stopped. Two men helped me as much as they could, but it didn't do anything. Now my husband is a wrecker driver and I knew I should call him, but I was worried he was really going to be pissed. I also doubted whether or not he would come. One time in the beginning of his marriage to Lisa her car stopped and she was stuck in the rain with her son, her friend and her friend's two sons and since my husband was with me and he knew she was in a safe place and he didn't want to cause a problem with "My day; Her day" so he got a friend of his to go to her to tow her. Turns out she just needed a jump start. Well needless to say she was pisssssssed. She told him that if it was me who was stranded he would have gone to me. He said that's not true and it caused a huge fuss between them. Well I was eventually forced to call him to come because his house was really closer to where I was. He actually came!!! I was happy (istaghfir Allah) because I knew she would be upset. Sometimes I feel that I get these feeling because I want to prove to her that just because he is married to her doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. Anyways he came and got someone to come to fix my car and went back home at about 11 p.m. I am sure she was fuming, but I didn't really care. I still don't! I understand why she is mad though. At the time when she called my husband he had his truck and sent someone else; when I called him he didn't have a truck, but he came and called someone else. I hate to feel good about that but I do. You know maybe if she cared how I felt about their marriage then I would care about how she feels, but since she didn't........I don't!


mizazeez said...

ya ukhti, you are soo funny. but listen, don't let your co-wife's disregard for your feelings make you inconsiderate of her feelings. like my hubby always says, "somebody has to be muslim, and it might as well be you."

Musleema said...

that's true mizazeez, yet easier said than done. We aren't super humans nor has Allah obligated for us to be. And I've found that trying to act perfect and emotionless is always more damaging in the long run than just making mistakes and offering tawba.

And you know vena, when things don't start out on the right or with some type of cohesiveness that everyone cn atleast take comfort with, it's crazy hard to try and force it to be different than that.

At any rate, I didn't think you did any thing wrong. Allahu musta'3an, if you can't call your husband when your car breaks down and you're stranded, when in the world are you suppose to call him? That fact is that he came and provided a way for you, just like he had provided a way for Lisa maybe not they way she wanted, but he did provide a way. Alhamdulilah, no biggie.

mizazeez said...

assalaamu ^alaykum sisters. just to no way was i suggesting that it was wrong for vena to call hubby when she was stranded. in fact, this would be one of the situations when she should call him when it is not her night because it is a matter of necessity and her safety. also, being considerate of your co-wife's feelings doesn't necessitate acting perfect or being emotionless. and yes, we have the opportunity to make mistakes and then seek tawbah from Allah alhamdulillah, Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala has given us this outlet and means of correcting our imperfections, however, we also have been blessed with intellect and the ability, in fact, the command to enjoin the good and forbid the evil, and this undoubtedly starts with our own selves.

ultimately, no, we shouldn't neglect our own feelings and needs, but we also should use hikmah in how we deal with our emotions, especially in affairs dealing with the rights of our fellow muslims, whether it's our co-wife or not insha'Allah wa Allahu ^alim.

Muslim Mommie said...

Alhumdullilah that you were rescued and safely returned, that's what's most important.

I agree both with mizazeez and musleema. While your co-wife may not be the best when it comes to consideration and other issues you can be that example for her, to show her what it is to be a true wife, co-wife, muslimah, etc.. And all this consists of is using hickmah in whatever you do. hhmmmm....advice that I will be taking heed to myself,lol, insha-Allah.

Musleema said...

mizazeez, I understood what you wrote. Although, I disagree that co-wives need to change themselves or overthink all of their actions in relation to each other. I've never read a single hadeeth where any of ummul mu'mineen did this, and if they didn't do it, why should any of you feel obligated to do it either? Our intellect is not as high nor is our hikmah as vast as our mothers (raa), Mashallah. If there was benefit to be received from doing it, we would have the adilaa from them on it because they preceeded us not only in knowledge but in action as well.

It's not haraam to only give a Muslim what they are due. Doing more while could be praiseworthy is not waajib, and as we all know if your only going to do the extra to stick it someone or solely for the love of your husband and not Allah, than its baatil and not accepted. And even enjoying the good and fobidding the evil has conditions. wa allahu aalim.

Muslimmommie, actions are judged by the niyyat, but when two co-wives have trouble getting along setting examples more than likely could be misinterpeted as one wife trying to show up the other. Allah is the one who guides and I think if the sister needs to be taught something, her husband ought to be the one doing the teaching because that is the responsibility that Allah gave him, not the first wife.

vena said...

I agree that someone needs to have the character of the Muslim. I want to be that person. I want the light of Islam to show in my actions. I have strayed due to this test and I never realized how weak I truly am. Ya Allah guide me to the straight path!!!! Two wrong don't make a right. My mom told me this and wallahi it is true.....When I tell her that lisa or my husband did so and so she says don't worry about what they do because what they do doesn't matter.....Look at what you do because that is all that will matter. She means that I will only be accountable for my actions. On the Day of Judgment Allah (swt) will not ask me what they did to me....He will ask me what I did to them. May Allah Forgive my weakness and my sinful mistakes. Ameen!!!