Friday, August 13, 2010

Its so true. Someone posted in my comments....."ISLAM DOES NOT REQUIRE YOU TO BE A MARTYR FOR YOUR HUSBANDS LUST!" And they are right and I tell people this all the time, but factoring in everything and everyone in my life is where I get stuck. It's easy to think I can just leave, but reality is much different. I wish it was as easy as just moving on.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

It is, I've done it,don't let the thought scare you,it's easier than living for his lust

Umm Yehiya said...

Salaamu alaikum, Vena!
Ramadan Mubarak!

I'm really not sure what advice to give you - Allahu alim.

But I just wanted to let you know your voice is heard; I'm with the readers who are still out there, rooting for you.

May Allah guide you and your family, give you each what is best for you, and fill your hearts with sakinah and peace.

I agree with Mumina that Ramadan is a perfect time to increasingly seek Allah's guidance and help on all matters. He hears you, and He will answer in the way that is best for you!

Also, I like your new layout. <3

Hugs from your sister in Islam.

Anonymous said...

Assalam Alikum sister,
I hope your Ramadan is going well.
I hope things work out for you.
"You said its not so easy 2 leave"
Are u talking about financial burden?
Just wondering!
btw nice layout

Anonymous said...

Please stop having children. Islam allows using contraception. If your husband doesn't cooperate then there is a lot of other ways as well.

mena said...

I still don't see how leaving will make your life or that of your kids better. Try to persevere, you can do it. I've never been a co-wife, but I've heard that the most difficult period is during the early days, weeks or months. Sisters have said that is the most painful period, but that it does get better. You were able to have sabr during those months, you had your low days but you still managed to handle it better than most of us would. You even managed to add 2 more kids to the mix, so what would be the point of leaving now?

Lets say your kids have half a dad now, how would no dad be better for them? And don't be deluded that there are pious muslim men out there waiting to marry a woman with 6 kids and help raise them, there may be, but very rare. Even then, a stepdad is not like the dad mostly.

Someone mentioned that after all your husband will have to pay child support if you get a divorce, but you are not there in the marriage because of financial support alone, right? you are human and sure can do with some TLC, so, suppose you are not able to get a pious brother to marry you after a divorce(and I doubt you will marry a man that is not very pious) do you really think you can handle "being without a man" for say 10 years or the rest of your life, considering your present age?

Anonsis said...

Assalamu Alaikum,

I've read your blog in the past as a lurker, and I'm sorry to see that you're still facing a very difficult situation stemming from your husband's second marriage. I do not want to advise you to divorce, but I think your perception of divorcing your husband needs some adjusting (IMHO).

The poster who said you are not a martyr to your husband's lust is absolutely correct. In the things you are saying, I'm sensing a tone of defeatism. It's like you're a victim to your circumstances without any options. In one of your recent posts, you even said you could sacrifice your dignity for a time! Why does any human being deserve to take so much from you? Why aren't you worthy of even your dignity?

You will probably say you are making these sacrifices for your daugters. And that is a noble thing. As a mother, I know I hate the idea of putting my children in any situation that might threaten their emotional well-being, including divorce. It is hard.

However, are you so sure that you aren't threatening their well-being now by staying in this marriage because you feel you have to? Is it okay to give them as their main role model in life an unhappy woman who cannot demand even her dignity, much less a husband who is emotionally, physically, and financially supportive of her. Ask yourself: Do you daughters view me as a victim? Because if they do, you are setting them up to be victims too. Picture your oldest daughter grown up and in the exact situation as you. What advice would you give her?

The other thing is you mentioned that if you divorce, it will be hard for you to get remarried and you will be alone. First, let me say I've seen women in equally difficult situations somehow get remarried. Nevertheless, I admit it will be probably be hard. Still, I feel like you're basing getting divorced on whether you can find happiness through another spouse. You should know by now that you can't rely on anyone else to make you happy. You should be basing your decision on whether YOU can make you happy, whether you stay married or not. Your girls need to see this. They need to see a strong woman who has her dignity and some level of contentment through her reliance in Allah and simple love of herself.

I hope I didn't come off too critical or harsh in these statements to you. They were said out of love and a sincere dua that Allah eases you toward a path of self-love and guides you to the right decision. (Allahuma Ameen)

Anonymous said...

Salam Walaykum sister,
I just read through your entire blog and I'm kinda left feeling sad for you. Not because of your situation but because of the negative feelings you have towards it. I myself, have been in a poly marriage for 8 years now. I have kids, my co-wife does not. I live in Egypt, my co-wife and my husband live in America, and my husband sees me and the kids only 3 months out of the year. And I am not Egyptian, so I've left my home, my family, my husband and co-wife for a foreign country where I'm trying to do the best I can with Allah's help. Whallahi I'm not trying to brag about my situation, I'm trying to tell you with the most sincere heart that there is hope, that these marriages CAN work and it all comes down to ATTITUDE! Alhamdulillah my co-wife and I have a good relationship, but it took us years to get there. If you let shaytan convince you it's a tragedy then it will be, but if you fight it and try to earn good deeds as much as possible, then in'shaAllah it will be a blessing. Polygyny is not the FOCUS of your marriage, it's only a fact about it. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, only Allah knows when our time on this earth is up. Better to have borne your burdens with patience and hope in Allah's mercy than to have rejected them and died in sin. You can only be responsible for what you have control over, focus on your marriage, your children, there's so many blessings there. Stand strong against shaytan. He wants you to feel noble and justified when thinking about divorce, he wants to make "all or nothing" seem like the only way. DON'T LET HIM. Peace and blessings be upon you and your family AMEEN.

Anonymous said...

I was married for about 16 years. I stayed in the marriage waayy too long for a few reasons...I had children ...I didn't want to break up the family, etc.

I just want to say that staying in a miserable marriage is not good. I was not doing my kids any favors by staying with their father who was abusing me.

Alhumdulilah my kids are grown now and I have remarried. I am much happier and in a better place. Alhumdulilah. Life is short, pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.

May Allah give you peace and guidance. Ameen.

Anonymous said...

The worst thing about polygamy, as far as I know from reading this blog and from my friends' experiences (they're children of polygamy), is the corrosive effect on children in terms of confidence and self-esteem.

The mother's peace of mind is completely shattered and if you don't think that affects her mothering then you're mistaken. Children pick up on these things. As well, the pervasive feeling of insecurity and worthlessness when the kids know they and their mother have been passed over for a second, third or fourth wife. This stuff follows them to adulthood.

I think it's particularly worse when the children are girls because they're observing and learning how to behave and relate to men and what they're seeing is that it's acceptable to be disrespected and manipulated by men because their needs and lusts always come before their wives and childrens financial and emotional security and this attitude is alright because it is sanctioned by religion.

My dear sister, take action and provide your daughters with an excellent example...leave this guy. Your daughters will thank you for it when they grow up.

After a rough beginning, the peace of mind you will experience will be worth it.

You essentially are already a single mother. No one can thrive under so much uncertainty and anxiety and it's been several years for you without the situation getting better. Why put yourself and your children through so much agony?. You're not in Saudi Arabia, you're living in the West where you have rights and the ability to chart your path.

I have a question for you...is the reason you're continuing having babies is so that you can have a boy?. I ask because I know one of my aunt's friends had 8 children, all girls, and she was desparate for a boy thinking that that would keep her husband bound to her. Whatever the reason, you have 6 children who need your time and attention so focus on them and don't have any more children because it's unfair to your children and more importantly, really unfair to you. That is completely within your power.

fhaya said...

If you can't be happy, content and ikhlaas in your current situation, then I'd say hijrah, move on. You worry about financial support, but who is a better provider than Allah swt? Your and your kids' sustenance is not with your husband, their father or any man. It is with Allah. Do what you need to do (leave, stay) as to not suffer and be a victim. You don't have control over your husband and his behavior but you do have control over your attitude and perspective. Don't fear anything but Allah's wrath. Just my 2 cents.

Diamond_USA said...

Asalaamuleykum, sister. May Allah guide us to the right path. Sister, I am not knowledgeable about the circumstances of your situation; I do not know what is going on. I have gleaned from bits and pieces throughout your comments and others that there is a situation of co-wives and children coupled with an unhappy marriage. I do not want to "throw darts in the dark", so I'd like to ask you to please explain the situation; that I may be helpful with sincere advice.