Thursday, July 22, 2010

Here again. Feeling down, depressed and overwhelmed!!! I love all 6 of my girls, but I don't want to raise them alone. Even though I didn't divorce my husband I am still feeling alone. Now he lives an hour and a half away working like a dog to support two wives who don't even live with him. A part of me wants to be this supportive and appreciative wife to him because he is working to take care of his responsibilities. Another part of me wants to tell him to get over here and help me raise the kids he made too. I didn't tell him to take on more responsibilities than he can handle; so why should the kids and I pay the price? Lisa got into her relatinship fully aware he was not able to financially support two wives. My main opposition towards him getting married was the fact that he would not have enough time for his family. Keep in mind this was my opposition minus 2 kids ago. I feel so trapped. I can't leave and I don't want to stay. I am lonely. I want a companion by my side.....is that too much to freakin ask for???? Really is too much to want your husband to come home every night to your family? Forget the issues I had with her. I am actually talking to her now and our relationship is much better. This is a seperate issue. This is a matter of what I want and what I need. It's not personal towards him or her. Well partially I guess I hold them responsible. I do. I'm not going to deny that sometimes I get upset that their decisions uprooted my life and my kids lives. And I know people ask..." Well why did you have more kids with him then?" But truly I did not plan it and tried to prevent it, but in the long what Allah Wills is what will be. So now I am left trying to raise 6 girls with the help of friends and my mom.I am truly blessed to at least have them in my life. But what about his accountability towards us? I didn't get married to have someone financially support me and my girls. I was ok before alhamdulilah.I got married to have a partner and a father for them. I like to think we deserve better.

13 comments:

Caminante said...

Salam sis,
I hadn't checked your post in a long time and I guess I was hoping that things were a bit better.

I don't have a lot of wisdom to give unfortunately, but just my own opinion and what I have learned from 2 years of couple's counseling with a Muslim therapist therapist.

First my opinion: I said this a long time in another post, but at least from reading the information on your blog, it seems that what your husband is doing is terribly wrong.
One of our main responsibilities as Muslims is to be good parents. This is so important that a righteous child is one of the ways we can earn hasanat even after we are dead. In these times of fitnah, both parents need to be very active and present in the children's lives and your husband is wronging them and taking them their God-given right to have a father. And your husband is also transgressing your mother's rights because he's putting her basically in a situation that she has to help you and be a husband-substitute at times because there's no way you can raise the girls by yourself.

Now, after this husband-bashing (sorry I can't help it!), here come some conclusions:

a. You NEED to come to the realization that this is your husband. This is who he is, and he is not going to change. You have used all kinds of ways to try to get him back and be responsible, from threatening with divorce, to separation, to being sad, to being angry, etc, etc. He is not going to change

2. Now having realized that, you have 2 options: you stay or you leave.

3. If you stay, you need to accept that this is how things are and find ways to feel better without him. Find more friends, a job, a course, something outside of "being a mom" that can help you socialize, relax and have some fun time. And start to read psychology books ASAP because your daughters will think that this is how women are suppposed to be treated by men and thus will carry this for their lives and will probably choose partners that don't treat them like a priority. You need to somehow avoid that at all costs!

4. You leave. You just leave and live your lif. Since you guys live in Canada (I think, or the US) he will have to pay child support and that plus some social assistance or a job will allow you to live. You will not be the first, or the last mother that divorces. The advantage of this is that you will be able to close this chapter in your life, not have to be always checking when he's going to come/ be ready to tend to him, but it will just be you and the girls. With time, you will find another husband who will give you the right place you deserve. The disadvantage is that you will feel lonely for some time and divorce it's not easy.

Whatever it is sister, just read old posts and think how much has/hasn't changed and how long you're willing to live like this. Maybe you decided to stay like this, maybe you won't. Insha'Allah whatever you decide is for the best!

Anonymous said...

Dearest Vena,
Asalamu Alaikum. I am glad to see that you have updated your blog, as I check frequently and I know that your are in the thoughts and prayers of many around the world.

Your situation is very difficult, and you are right that you are suffering the consequences of his deciding to take another wife. The most feisty thing to say is that you'll get a divorce, but I'm sure you realize that divorce isn't an easy decision without a set of difficult circumstances.

Nonetheless, you need space to breathe.

Just a thought- although you do have 6 children, you still need time to yourself. You cannot control what your husband does, but you do have control over how it affects you and what you choose to do. What if....you were able to find yourself again? I am certain that what you have gone through fragments your sense of self in so many ways.

Vena, is it possible, give that you have helpful friends and your mom, to work even 4 hours a week? These 4 hours can give you such a mental relief. It wouldn't be too much to ask someone to watch the kids for just that much time and at the same time, you make a little pocket change and at the same time stop feeling so isolated and helpless.

Just a thought from a concerned sister...

Warmest Regards,
Dr. Layla

A concerned reader said...

Hi Vena, I took the time yesterday to read your whole blog and my heart goes out to you. All your readers are worried about you and want you to be happy. Please don't be mad, but I'm going to tell you what you already know. Divorce your husband. This relationship is unhealthy for you and your children. In order for you to move on with your life, you need to cut ties with him. He will never change. He'll do the same thing to Lisa what he did to you and his ex-wife. Get out before he hurts you again. Don't worry about money, because he's required to pay child support. Perhaps you can live with your mother during this transition. I know it's a hard decision, but once you make it, it will be a huge relief. I pray that you realize this soon. We are all rooting for you, Vena. Peace.

Anonymous said...

How can you get pregnant when you don't want it. I hope you are not taking pills as they have a lot of side effects. Daily dose of all those side effects is unfair to any woman. I don't really respect those men who don't use protection during sex and make their wife take pills. What can be more selfish than that. Pills may fail to work but they never fail to harm.

mena said...

I feel you sister, my mom, more or less raised 6 kids alone too while she was not divorced from the father of those kids, because dad had to leave us to go work 2 hours away to be able to support all of us. The sad part is that it was my mom doing most of the financial support with her meagre income, because, before we knew it, my dad has had 6 more kids with the second wife so he had 12 kids when his income could bare support 6. I cant tell you how frustrated and depressed my mum was but it really affected my siblings and I in a negative way. So, sister, since you have decided to stay, try to persevere and give your all to your kids and just pretend they don't have a dad. (I know this is harsh) but, you will raise them if lets say the man decides to divorce you whether you like it or not or if he dies(may Allah not test you with that now). do you get my drift? Just try to be happy with what you have, forget about what would have, should have been if he did not marry lisa, it will only make you depressed. May Allah suffice you and your family.

Anonymous said...

salaam sis,i happened to come across your blog one evening and started to read and just couldnt stop,you have done amazinly well considering your situation,patiance and gratitude is the key,may Allah[swt]reward you ameeen.i'm a mother to 4 daughters and also have been through a lot of testing times recently,i dont relate to you in the fact that i dont have sister wife but recent trials have taught me to thank Allah[swt]for everything,and make lots lots of dua.

Mumina said...

Asalaam alaikum Vena honey, I don't know what made me come by your blog so randomly today, but I did maashaAllah and here I find a recent entry! Ok sis, as you said in your post, what Allah Wills will be. As we approach Ramadan, increase your ibadah, even if you already do a lot, increase it more inshaAllah and use your greatest weapon which is du'a, and talk to Allah about what you want. Allah says that if we observe all of our duties to Him, He will always provide a way out. Allah can change your situation at any given time for the better in your marriage. And by your sacrifices, inshaAllah you will receive rewards if you are patient. As you mentioned, your husband is working hard to take care of his responsibilities. So even though it is a burden that he is not around, alhumduhlillah, he is trying his best to do right by his families financially. Make du'a that maybe Allah can cause you to live closer to his job or give him an opportunity closer to home. If he were to stop working and be home all the time, then he'd be around for you and the children but then financially the family suffers. I understand the frustrations, believe me I do, but just continue to turn to patience and prayer, Allah is with the patient, and so many times we feel like injustice is being done, yet Allah will never forsake us and the very hardships and tests we are given might be the very things that pave the way to opening the gates of Jannah for us.

Jannah said...

You have heard all the arguments on both sides, to leave him or not to leave him.. I want to put something so simply for you

ISLAM DOES NOT REQUIRE YOU TO BE A MARTYR FOR YOUR HUSBANDS LUST!

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom,

Alhumdulillah for all the ladies in your life.

Everything is fine.

You are OK.

It might seem messy but it's just the way it's supposed to be right now.

It won't be like this forever. Nothing lasts for ever.

Get what you can from this time.

God loves you, Vena.

And so do I!

:) Yosra

ummhumayra said...

Dear sister!
Islamic marriage (for the wife) is fulfillment of her a) financial needs b) emotional needs c) physical needs and d) desire for children.
If you were to leave your husband: (and surely all but abandoning you and your 6 children doesn't even to compare to the woman whom the Prophet pbuh himself granted an annulment (khoula) because she realized her husband was of below average size and attractiveness! - although perhaps the Aalims in your community promote a different view...)
a) will you be significantly worse off financially?
b) will you be able to contract another marriage, if you seek the emotional aspect? - Given your age, the fact that you will have 6 daughters (with you?) and the range of eligible (single) men in your community. You don't want to get divorced and then discover that you can only manage another marriage where you are the additional wife.
c)if you don't mind the emotional aspect of being single, can you go without the physical aspect?
d)will the upbringing of your daughters suffer if you have to work outside the home or whatever you will have to do when you are no longer married or will your peace of mind make up for it?

If I can offer any advice it would be to recognize that your husband has failed you dramatically in the emotional department, but that, based on the above criteria, you can salvage what can be salvaged by detaching yourself from him emotionally and assessing what benefit the current situation has for you and your daughers, and what you can get out of it. Perhaps that will help you get over the betrayal insha Allah.

AliahBishr said...

Assalamu Alaikum

Sister, I am not encouraging you to get divorced but if you feel like you can not take it and its too much for you, Allah will always provide and yes you will go through hardships but Allah will NOT abandon you.

There are many ways you can make money online to support your family with out having to leave the confort of your home and with out directly contacting any men.

And what I mean is you can make money by what you are doing now blogging, I was reading up on how to make money blogging and its not easy but some people make 10,000 to 35,000 dollars a month. I am not promoting this in any way its just an idea so that way you never have to neglet raising your girls. I wish I can give you more details about it but I dont know that much about it, so I recommend you research it and give it a try insha Allah.

May Allah protect you and guide you insha Allah. Ameen :)

Salam

yanee said...

Salam.
I dont know if you still visit this blog but I just want to wish you all the best in your life.

What you described above is exactly how my mother is feeling.As I dont have the right words to tell her,Ive been on the net to try and find something encouraging for her.

May Allah bless us all.

Anonymous said...

Asalamuaalaikum,
Being married to two wives before. and then ending divorcing the second after being being forced to do so by the first. Now Im single after the first wife ws still not satisfied coz she cant accept the fact a I had contact with my daughter from the second marriage and her mom.
Jealousy never ends. even after being married for more than 20 years and have 4 children.
Maybe now she is happy that she managed to get the divorce and living alone. And when people asked her, she will blame me.
May Allah forgive me.