Wednesday, April 30, 2008
So Lately I have been reading The My Two Wives blog and I really enjoy it. I remember a while back I responded on my blog to someone who suggested that the man is probably not being completely honest because he said he cannot honestly say that he loves one wife over the other. I disagreed with that and I started reading his blog and found him to be very genuine. I wish my husband was smart enough to have not told his other wife that he loved her more than me because that only gave satan an opening to play with my head. Even if it wasn't true, even if he starts loving me more or us equally.....I will never believe him. And I will always have insecurity. I do feel very insecure right now and the only one that can help that is my husband. I always thought that it was possible for a man to love two at the same time, but maybe not in my case. I always question myself now.....Am I really that bad of a wife? Is something wrong with me? Am I missing something? I think I am a good person and my husband always attests to that, but why do I feel so low? Because of these doubts I have begun to emotionally dis attach myself from my husband. This has caused a wedge in our marriage that I am not sure can be repaired. I cannot compete with Lisa. She is his escape. Yes I give him family, but she gives him marriage. She does not have the amount of responsibilities that I have. She is able to tend to his every need with simplicity. They are both getting the best of polygamy and I am not. I am the only one that lost anything. Well the kids did too. We lost time. If it was not for my kids I don't know where I would be. I feel bad though, because of all this mess I have not been in the best of moods and therefore have not been able to give them my all. I feel like a failure in all aspects of my life. Not a good wife and not a good mother.