Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Feeling blue

So Lately I have been reading The My Two Wives blog and I really enjoy it. I remember a while back I responded on my blog to someone who suggested that the man is probably not being completely honest because he said he cannot honestly say that he loves one wife over the other. I disagreed with that and I started reading his blog and found him to be very genuine. I wish my husband was smart enough to have not told his other wife that he loved her more than me because that only gave satan an opening to play with my head. Even if it wasn't true, even if he starts loving me more or us equally.....I will never believe him. And I will always have insecurity. I do feel very insecure right now and the only one that can help that is my husband. I always thought that it was possible for a man to love two at the same time, but maybe not in my case. I always question myself now.....Am I really that bad of a wife? Is something wrong with me? Am I missing something? I think I am a good person and my husband always attests to that, but why do I feel so low? Because of these doubts I have begun to emotionally dis attach myself from my husband. This has caused a wedge in our marriage that I am not sure can be repaired. I cannot compete with Lisa. She is his escape. Yes I give him family, but she gives him marriage. She does not have the amount of responsibilities that I have. She is able to tend to his every need with simplicity. They are both getting the best of polygamy and I am not. I am the only one that lost anything. Well the kids did too. We lost time. If it was not for my kids I don't know where I would be. I feel bad though, because of all this mess I have not been in the best of moods and therefore have not been able to give them my all. I feel like a failure in all aspects of my life. Not a good wife and not a good mother.

15 comments:

3rd... said...

Hi Vena, I am so happy that you opened up the possiblity to comment ur blogs.. I totally relate to what you are writing here and I am sure that every woman in polygyny has experienced this. InshaAllah with faith and support from above you will overcome all of this. Keep strong. Love..

Anonymous said...

Vena,

you sound like you're being really hard on yourself. This is a terribly difficult process, and it sounds like you are trying to come to terms with decisions being made that were not in your power to change. Your effort is admirable.... It's okay that you "weren't in the best of moods." It's okay to take the space and time that you need. It's okay to process this in any way that works and to work through any emotion you need to....

And what will happen when things change between them, as they inevitably will? It may look perfect for now on the other side of the fence, but it probably isn't, and it can't remain what it is forever. They'll have their problems (if they haven't already. How comfortable can your husband be, if you are miserable?)

Hang in there and be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Jannah Mustafa said...

Nice, you have turned the comments back on. I really wish you the best sister. I don't know how you endure it but you have shown a mighty strength in all these trials you have went through. May Allah Reward you abundantly! salam

The Pastoral Princess said...

(((Hugs))) I know these hugs are late, as I just discovered your blog, but it sounds like you need to speak up a bit. Tell your husband that you are being shortchanged and need some reassurance. Good Luck! I will keep my eye out for new posts!

Hajjar said...

Vena,

I have been reading this blog for a long time now and first I want to applaud your courage and strength. I too am Egyptian and Niqabee. I was not raised with Islam but came to it later in life (22) so I can identify with you.

Secondly you should remember that you are a good wife and mother for the sake of Allah. And only Allah (SWT) can reward you for your patience and your good deeds regarding your family. The shaitan is the one that tells you that you are a failure. Don’t listen to that. As long as you know that you are doing everything you can for your husband and children for the sake of Allah (SWT), then know that Allah (SWT) will InshAllah reward you and put your heart at ease.

As for Lisa and your husband, make Du’a for them. And maybe you should try being honest with your husband and just lay everything out on the table. Don’t do it in an emotional way, try documenting instances where either one has wronged you and at the end of the month or so sit him down and show him. Maybe this will help him to understand where you are coming from.

But if you feel like you are not getting your rights in this marriage and harsh treatment is being imposed on you then go see a trusted sheik and let him intervene on your behalf.

Salamahlaykoom,
Hajjar
isis1405@yahoo.com

Browngurl said...

AsalamAlaykum Sister!

It is good to see you back online. I am just a lurker who frequents your blog, but enough of my antics. Have you talked to your spouse about how that statement about loving one more then the other was extremely hurtful to you?? It is hard enough accept P to begin with, but this statement was ridiculous. I am not sure under which circumstances this was disclosed (him or her) but it was totally unwarranted and it appears to be something said to either pacify one person’s ego.

Although it seems like your husband is trying to manage the situation somewhat, he needs to try more. He was the one who decided that he wanted to marry this other individual. With this additional person comes additional responsibility. He needs to up his game so to say. He should be making an EXTRA EXTRA effort to assure you of his loyalty he also really needs to watch his words (and so does she)! We all know words can cut like a knife!

Perhaps some distance between Lisa and yourself is not a bad thing. I know this is hard because you seem like you wear your heart on your sleeve and I know how important sisterhood is, but given the circumstances and her loose lips perhaps setting some limits is the best thing for your own person welfare??

Also can I just say that this “P” issue is never about the wife, it is about HIM! All this negative thinking (that is on a loop in your head) has to stop!! Your relationship with your husband should be about you and him alone!

Don't believe everything you think! You are giving your negative thoughts the power to cause you grief. This other sister is not competing against you; you have already defeated yourself. Stop comparing yourself!!

Let’s stop focusing on them and focus on you! What things in your life are you passionate about? What makes you happy? What motivates you? What are your goals for yourself and for your family? What are your spiritual goals? Not only what are your goals, but also what are you doing to achieve them!

Sorry that I went off on a tangent but you seem like someone with a big heart and I hate the way that we as women have this internal commentary with ourselves that just leaves us feeling not good enough!

Ummibraahim said...

All praises to Allah, I would like to encourage you sister to do more acts of ibadah and thicker Allah. I have felt many feelings and when the time comes that my husband takes another wife I have chosen at this time not to meet with her ever or speak with herever Inshallah, I have made this decision because I have a distaste for fitnah and I have talked with a few women who were interested in my husband and I have found that the women he chooses are trying to belittle me and doubt my relationship with my husband, I understand that she may have something to prove but that does not mean that I have to bear any unpleasantries that she has to offer. I will Inshallah keep you in my prayers and ask that you not worry about how much your husband loves her more than you, if that is even the case, I would desire to be more favorable in Allah's eyes. Be strong and ask Allah to make you better than what you think you are.
We should want for our sisters and brothers as we want for ourselves. If you are interested in being my penpal email me.
Wa allaykum Sallam and a big hug and kiss to you.

Ummrania said...

Assalmau Alaikum

Standing ovation for browngurl

Anonymous said...

LOL......
Browngurl - you go girl!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

CAN I HAVE THE LINK TO THAT BLOG PLEASE VENA LOVE

gr8fultohimswt said...

I have been a follower of your Blog entries for a good while now Vena, and would just like to say MANY thanks for opening up and sharing your point of view(s) for they have helped me so much, words cannot express how thankful I am.

Now onto this entry, I am truly sorry that you had the misfortune to be told that your Husband carries stronger feelings for Lisa then yourself..but as the other Sisters have mentioned, do not be too hard on yourself..YOU are doing the best possible not only for your Marriage but also for your children and self. Allow yourself to go through the emotions that comes along with such a emotional blow..and allow yourself to HEAL!

Blessings my sister.

gr8fultohimswt said...

Wow..very well stated, I too agree with the frank and yet genuinely felt entry and response.

Anonymous said...

Assalamou aleikoum dear sisters I've just discovered this blog and reading your comments encourages me Like our sister my husband took a second wife.For people I am a strong woman who accepts polygamy but it's very difficult to bear.I am loosing weight, beauty and health My problem is thatI can't prevent myself from thinking of them.My husband and work in different earas and he is with my sister.He is with her most of his time and I'm most ofthe alone with my kids and it's very difficult and though my husband shows much tenderness I am sad

Sr. Salihah said...

Dear Vena:
You must know something; I am in a monogamous marriage and yet I feel the exact same things that you were describing. It isn't you, him, or Lisa. It is the Shatan, he is happy when you are sad. You know it is so much easier to get through life when you just remember that your whole life on earth is like a day or so in Jannah. Inshallah with His mercy YOU will be their with all of your lovely children. (oh, me too!)-Salams

MusliMaMi said...

Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakatu! Vena I stumpled upon your website in search of experiences with a mutltiple marriage. THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing your most inner thoughts and feelings. Your personality shines through your words and you remind me so much of myself. Even your train of thought reminds me of the way I think. We are women and WE ARE EMOTIONAL and were made this way for a reason. Subhanna Allah! I too wear my heart on my sleeve and I can tell you - unless your faith is in the right place - no one understands how sometimes it is harder to swallow your pride instead of reacting with our emotions - I am a new muslimah (26yrs old - raised Catholic) with a 1 yr old daughter, who to me has been the single most influential factor in determining my conversion (Alhamdulilah Allah has opened my eyes this much!!) I am looking for a husband and have been going back and forth about contemplating an offer from a brother who's already married. From my research 9 out of 10 men (especially in the U.S.)who get involved in these marriages do it the wrong way, for the wrong reasons and with the wrong understanding. I do not hate polygny, in fact, i see the wisdom behind it but like for some women who find it somewhat tolerable - I only see this option as a last resort. I also have my own guidelines like I wouldn't do it unless the wife knew about it and was at least opened to the idea. I'm curious, from your experience, would you advise me to go into a plural marriage if the wife didn't know about it? Do you think you would have been "more okay" with it had you known it was going to be a possibility? Or do you think that because it was already set and done that that in itself was what allowed you to deal with it? I like to treat others how I like to be treated - if let's say I was a first wife - I would much rather have my husband come outright and tell me than if he were to do it behind my back. I would feel even more betrayed and a lack of trust on his part. I'm must say that if I ever become a part of a multiple marriage I would pray Allah grants me a co-wife as kind and considerate as you. Also, I have a question that you may or may not be able to answer but I'm too embarrassed to ask someone else and I would like an answer from a woman's perspective. Since marriage is the only area in which one can enjoy intercourse - what about a woman whose drive is high? - does that fact prevent her from entertaining the thought of a mulitple marriage since it'll be like she's losing a part of her right to keep herself chaste? I will continue reading your blog Insha'Allah. May Allah reward you for all your efforts. THANK YOU
Aslaam Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu!