Sunday, August 15, 2010

I'm so upset at the state the Muslim ummah is in right now. Why can't we get it together and take care of our own? We have the best example (the Prophet saaw) and we still don't use his example as our guide. Many of our women are being mistreated and their God given rights are being taken or abused. No wonder people think we are oppressed. I don't blame them. Where is the Islam in the hearts of our men? Where is their fear of Allah (swt)? I see so many women on daily basis that are in situations where they end up having to settle or be alone.

It is the responsibility of Ummah to provide for our women. We should never have to feel like we have no choice but to either get married to be provided for or to stay in an unhealthy marriage out of fear of financial difficulty. Don't get me wrong I'm not referring to myself here.....My husband is a saint masha Allah compared to some of the men out there, really he is. At the very least he tries. His hands are tied and he bit off more than he can chew. Now he is suffering the consequences of his decisions. The down side is we are all suffering as a result as well. My children love my husband sooooo much. It would be unfair for me to leave him, not for his sake but for theirs. I am not guaranteed that I will find better and really the chances of me finding better are very slim and so if I leave him I will be alone and they will not have a dad around so how exactly would I benefit? I would reclaim my dignity? I am willing to sacrifice my dignity temporarily...eventually the girls will grow older insha Allah and then only time will tell.I joke with my husband sometimes telling him that once the girls get older (insha Allah if I'm still alive) I will still be young and then I will trade him in for a younger model. I'm joking of course. Sometimes making light of the situation is what keeps me sane. Anyways, in the meantime I am trying to improve my iman and I make lots of du3a for my kids and for my marriage. Who is a better helper than Allah? I do not like the situation he put me in but I have to think of the girls even if he didn't.

Anyways back to my point though....I am so tired of hearing the lectures on how to be a good wife. Where are the lectures for the men on how to be good husbands? Where are all the lectures for the men on how to be good fathers? Wouldn't that fix the problems we are facing today in our society? This is a growing epidemic throughout the world and not just the Islamic world. Men are following their desires at the expense of their loved ones. I am not against polygamy when done properly. All persons involved must be on the same page. We must all have the same goal (attaining jannah) and we must all try to help one another for the sake of Allah (swt). Acting selfishly will only result in disunity.

To all the men out there thinking of entering into polygamy.... POLYGAMY IS HARD!!!! IT IS HARD!!! It's a HUGE responsibility and a trust. If you cannot live up to it and the regulations set for it then DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT!

Many men are delusional and believe that they masha Allah can be the SAVIORS of these poor helpless single women out there, all the while neglecting the families they already have and putting these women in worse situations than what they began with. These women deserve better than what you have to offer. They deserve a whole husband not half. If you can only marry a woman if she pitches in some of the bills then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you can only marry another woman if she gives up some of her time, then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you can only marry another woman if the marriage is to remain a secret, then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you can only marry another woman if she receives government assistance, then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you barely make enough to support the first family and barely have enough time for the first family, then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you haven't paid off your debts, then you shouldn't marry another woman. You're not SAVIORS!!!

IF you are really doing it for the sake of Allah then why not marry the one who are really in desperate situations? What about the elderly ladies? Or the disabled ladies? Would you still be that noble? Think about it! If you want to help a Muslim sister out there, there is something called sadaqah and Zakat. Allah (swt) warns that if you cannot be just then JUST ONE! Some men say,"I am being just. I come home late from work to her house just like I come home late from work to the other ones house." LOOOOL! Just in being UNJUST is not what the Quran addressed. May Allah make it easy on the women of this Ummah and bless them with true righteous husbands who are fearful of Allah (swt) and can be righteous towards their wives be it one, two, three or four! Say AMEEN!!! :)

38 comments:

Amina said...

Thumma Ameen!

honestlyme said...

Ameen!!! MashaAllah, that was a powerful message on the issue ukhti. I have been a silent reader of your blog for the past few years, and I am so happy that you have decided to come back. I really enjoy reading your perspectives on polygyny and how you are handling the situation. May Allah az wa jaal increase you in patience and keep you steadfast, ameen. May He, ta'ala, raise you in rank and keep you on the path that is straight...ameen.

Anonymous said...

Salaam;
Glad you are back, have missed you.
Hows Ramadan going?
Tahseen

ERum said...

I just came across your blog and I think its great. I really admire your patience and courage. May Allah swt grant you immense reward for your sabr.
I moved to Houston a month ago so am new to the area. Would love to connect with you. My email is erumrab@gmail.com and I also blog @ erumrab.blogspot.com

ERum said...

Just came across your blog - its great. I commend you for your patience. I just moved to Houston about a month ago so am new to the area. Would love to connect with you.
My email is erumrab@gmail.com and I also blog @ erumrab.blogspot.com

Umm Saaliha said...

Hey sis asalamualaikum,

Not visited your blog in a while so didn't realise u were back. Good to see u back alhamdulillah.

The talksfor husbands do exist. I've seen them by Shaykh Salem al Amry im sure.

Anyway, much love n duaas. X

Jaiyana Muslima said...

Thanks for this blog. I have also started my own at
http://the1stwivesclub.blogspot.com/

will make dua for you.

Anonymous said...

Assalam Alaikum sister
I hope you read this, i'm just so addicted to your blog XD I hope Allah grants you peace from the bottom of my heart, AMEEN.

Can you come to classes at Sunnahfollowers.net? You seem like you'd LOVE her classes. its about Islam please try your best to come :D

egianqueen said...

Hi there - was just reading my old blog - M3 Travail - and saw a post from you - thought I would check in to see how you are doing - and let you know that I have another blog - started it shortly after closing the other one down - but hubby does not know about it - so cowifey cannot stir the pot. The new blog is Egianqueen.blogspot.com. In shaa allah Allah will guide you and protect you - mabrook on the newest addition - good luck on the pregnancy. Take care.

Anonymous said...

AMEEN! you are such an inspiration sis, masha'Allah! i've spoken to you a few times, but today was the FIRST time i read your BLOG, subhaanaAllah, may Allah bless you in this life and the next ameen. I love you for the sake of Allah! I will be buying the book too insha'Allah!

Jaiyana Muslima said...

Salaams, really enjoy your blog. I have one also
http://the1stwivesclub.blogspot.com/

The first wife said...

Wow! I love it....More voices like yours need to be heard...

Anonymous said...

"To all the men out there thinking of entering into polygamy.... POLYGAMY IS HARD!!!! IT IS HARD!!! It's a HUGE responsibility and a trust. If you cannot live up to it and the regulations set for it then DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT!"

I dont feel its your place to try to convince men that Polygamy is hard. Sure its hard. Any relationship needs work. And I dont think any man would marry a second or third etc without making an effort to "live up to the regulations" so I dont see the need to scream "DONT DO IT! DONT DO IT!".

What Allah has made halal should not be discouraged even if it is not in your favour.

Khadijah said...

I know how you feel. but we shouldn't hate/dislike what Allah has sent through revelation. Allah is Just and if it wasn't for Him, a lot of women would be alone until they die, they would be having a lonely life, maybe make the wrong choices (like prostitution), etc. Alhamdulilah, Allah is Merciful and He knows the best for His creation.

I know it's hard and I couldn't actually bare to think of my husband with another woman, but also, I know that the other woman, if she existed, wouldn't have a better husband or wouldn't have a husband at all.

My mind, when thinking of polygyny, fights between being selfish and being generous.

There are so many women out there and the number of women is more than men. What can we do about it? Polygyny is the only solution.

Allah also counts our jealousy as women and even the wives of the Prophet (sws) were jealous towards each other. But Allah will reward each suffering you have in your heart in this life, alhamdulilah.

If my husband decided to marry another woman, I wouldn't be happy, but also, I wouldn't hate it. I would be pleased that he was practicing a sunnah and I would be pleased that another woman was taken from the cruelness of this world.

I know many girls here in Egypt, they turn 30 and still didn't marry and they still refuse, EVEN SHEIKHS, proposal of marriage because they are having one, 2 or 3 wives already (actually having 3 or 4 wives is rare). And I don't see why they want to make themselves miserable like that. In the end, better to have a loving husband and a house, a family, than not having anything until death comes. I think at least, they could have some happiness in this world. Allah gave them a solution and they don't want to grab it. I'm not blaming them, but I know what i would do if i was in their shoes. I wouldn't let myself lose half of my deen like that and not even have kids, astaghfirullah.

inshaAllah sis, may Allah reward you for your patience and may Allah give you goodness in this life and the next. May Allah keep you strong. I don't point fingers at you, I actually admire you and hope the best for you. I admire your choice because it's a choice that will surely be very much rewarded, inshaAllah.

Anonymous said...

Slm sister! My heart goes out to you! Here in South Africa, 90% of polygamy seems to be as a direct result of 'intermingling', i.e. what in a polygamy-free society would have consituted an 'affair'. What can one do when nothing prevents your husband from developing an emotional relationship with a stranger? However, what really bugs me, are these so-called 'philantropic' second marriages, where helping a poor stranger (she should be a stranger!) outweighs the pain and suffering caused to the first wife and family - the first wife who was done nothing but serve her husband and go through the pains of childbirth so that he may be blessed with children. Just doesn't make sense! If men look carefully at the Prophetic (pbuh) example, they will see, that a) the first marriage was monogamous until Gadija's death. b) the first wife of the polygynous union was Sawda RA, an old, 'homely', widow who was passed childbearing age - she was therefore very unlikely to get married to anyone else and therefore it was a mercy to her for the Prophet pbuh to marry her c)none of the polygamous wives of the Prophet pbuh bore Him any children, except the last one, Maria, the Copt, who was a slave and by sodoing elevated her status to that of free woman. He pbuh married no one after her. d)In general, for the women during the early days of Islam, Islamic polygamy with it's strict conditions and regulations was a Godsend for women in general, as the norm was total abuse in marriage. Today however, the 'norm' is monogamy, but still men stubbornly push this agenda, supposedly to help 'women'. Furthermore, if there are too many divorcees in a community, the causes must be looked at, not blindly "fixed" by polygamy. I suspect the same dynamic which allows husbands to 'reward' a first wife, who has but dutifully served him, with a life of a 'semi'-widow, is the dynamic which sees so many marriages fail in the first instance - an utter disregard and unappreciation of the worth of women and their role as childbearers.

Khadija said...

Assalamu alaykum sis how are you ? i just stumbled upon your blog and mashallah i think you are a brave and HUMAN muslimah i think you have a cool personality and would like to chat with you inshallah i prolly sound corny but i just think you are truly a real down to earth person if you want you can contact me at Peaceofmind52@yahoo.com i saw in your blog that you mentioned a store called jeruselam mart and i was wondering if you were in houston because i am and there is a halal store here with that name lol if not thats cool but inshallah when you get the chance you can email me and we can chat ! i love you for the sake of allah sis stay strong and remember to never lose who you are in this whole situation this is the life allah has given you no one is in control of your happiess but you. i see that you need to approve comments first so inshallah i would like for this to remain a private comment i just didnt have any other way to contact you hope to hear from you soon ! :))

ummhumayra said...

Oh please - Anonymous, i think you give men too much credit. I remember being offered the 'opportunity' to become someone's second wife while he and his first wife (and children) were living with his first wife's parents.Brother, if you can't afford to put your wife in her own house, you should not even be allowed to say the words 'second wife'. This is apart from all the men whose wives are working outside the home to contribute to the basic households costs and still 'fantasize' about second, third and fourth wives. And not even to mention the unemployed brothers, who marry a few to "work" for them!(Malaysia)
What you also need to keep in mind, is that at the time of revelation, Islamic polygmay was a 'Godsend' to women, i.e. relative to the norms of the time, they were a million times better off than non-Muslim women. Non-Muslim polygamy had no limit in the numbers of wives, nor any prescriptions regarding their treatment.
Allah has given men more freedom than women,undoubtedly, but with that freedom comes responsibility. If a husband takes a decision, which he is free to do, but it has an adverse affect on the quality and strength of his family, he will be held accountable.
Even Dr. Phil has the wisdom to say "Don't mess with the nest!"

And Allah knows best!

Anonymous said...

BTW the arrangements for time allocation for wives are flexible and by mutual agreement, i.e. not necessary one day here, one day there. For example, I know of a case where the first wife who has 7 children gets 5 days a week, whereas the second wife, who has none, gets 2. This does not sound unreasonable in your case and might make your load easier to bear Insha Allah! It's the least your husband can do also....

Anonymous said...

Hello Sisters-MARRIAGE IS HARD. Period. I had one husband for 20 years and it was not a positive experience-without a co-wife or sister wife or anything else. Marriage is hard.

That being said, Vena is right-most Muslim men today marry second wives for reasons that don't seem too 'worthy'.

I saw advantages in being a second wife (only half to cook 1/2 time, eh??), but I have been married. I am over the wonder of it. I want a good man who is strong in his religion and who knows how to treat women properly, one who loves his wife(he adores her) and is a good father. One that can support me and won't resent it. One who has the same goals and who wants to follow our Prophet in everything. (He is very into Da'awah) He was supposed to be helping me FIND a husband, not BE the husband. He had my list. He actually called his wife before he even hinted anything to me and got her consent. She didn't require it, I did. Anyway, in spite of HER family, she did consent. And I have met her, hugged her and talk to her. Poor man, we both love to debate for fun:)

I don't kid myself that it will all be easy or fun or even that I will like her guarantted, next year, but I think we are starting this thing out right-I hope we are. I ask your prayers for us as I know we need them. He is taking Haj with her this year for the first time and I am getting regular texts about the trip from both. I am very excited that he is able to pray about this at Mecca this year as we will likely be married soon after he comes home again. OR he will back out of the whole thing, which is what I keep thinking-he will come to his senses or something. He is just not a flaky kind of man, so I know he won't. Anyway, your prayers and Haj prayers to get us where we need to be:) Allah knows best and I wait on him to guide me.

Muslimah from Alaska said...

I have to agree. the focus is usually on women, their arent a lot of lectures encouraging muslim brothers to be better men, muslims, husbands, fathers. Really.

you don't hear many lectures advising men on how to balance work, the masjid and his family or families.

Anonymous said...

Aamen to dua.

I think sister has all the right to warn about polygamy and even advice men not to do it if they are not sure they can do it proper and be just to all. After all she has her very own experience of this.

And yes polygamy is allowed to muslim men but its not something that absolutely have to do. There are other more important things and there are many muslim men who dont do polygamy either,.. even now when someone reads this might he think about it again and maybe make a decision that will be good for his wife that he already has and his children that are already there.

May Allah give you lots of strength sister Vena. All the best for you and your girls. Wa alaykumu salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

Faith said...

Salamualaikum!! new to the blog :)

i jusssst wrote a post similar to this! how the state of the ummah is failing miserably! subanaallah.

Also, for a good lecture for muslim men, go to youtube and listen to "Only a muslim man is a muslim man" by Taablib Abdullah. He hit the nail straight on the head! about time the brothers got grilled!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP0m01DwF7M

Hope u like it inshaallah!! take care sis <3

Anonymous said...

If a man really wants to help out a poor woman in need why not provide charity without strings attached? Why the implicit assumption of sex for a roof over her head and food on the table? Why destroy his existing family's security, unsettling other people's lives (first wife and kids) for the sake of his penis? Sorry to be so damn crass but I do think polygamy in the modern world is destructive.

Yes, yes, what Allah made halal cannot be made unhalal but that is the rigid self-serving reasonings of selfish men and it's sad to see women brainwashed into this reasoning instead of examining the issue for themselves.

Polygamy was supposed to be a social safety net for widows, oprphans and women in weak positions, in the 7th century. We in the West already have social safety nets provided by govt and other institutions that unfortunately a lot of polygamists take advantage of so that they don't provide for their families themselves. What is the penalty for a man barely unable to provide for his first family, much less a second?. What are the consequences for him, on this earth cause I assume he will be taken care of by God in due time?. What can the imam do?. There is absolutely no religiously sanctioned penalty for a man who is unable to maintain his family, is there?. He has the rights that are enforced by the religious establishment but his responsibilities, well, the religious establishment is not so quick to enforce those.

As well, in the Koran it states that a man can marry more than one woman if he can be sure to treat and feel towards them the same. The next verse states that that is impossible. If that is reasoning against polygamy, I don't know what is.

Furthermore, the Prophet's duaghter and grand-daughter refused to be in polygamist relationship and he supported them. Honestly, if the best of women refused such a state back in the 7th century why on earth would women accept it in this day and age?.

Polygamy undermines the family structure at great cost and some Muslim governments are realizing this which is why Tunisia and Turkey banned polygamy, Libya and Iran require the written permission of the first wife and Malaysia requires judicial consent and proof of the ability to financially provide for the families.

Anonymous said...

To Anonymous above.
Dawa should be taken, irrespect of where it comes from.
The warnings are real, and should not be taken lightly. Being unjust is sinful,is that the reason men get married?
I do however agree with the Vena.
Why not marry someone older, uglier, fatter then the first wife.
Because these marriages are for the husbands lust and the other women's selfishness.
We as people do so much wrong to satisfy our own selfish needs, then find a reason or loophole somewhere in the shariah to justify our behaviour.

My advise to Vena: LEAVE BECAUSE YOU DONT WANT TO BE HIS WIFE ANY LONGER...FOR WHATEVER REASON.

Thats what I did and I allowed him to see the kids whenever he wanted to, or whenever they wanted to, I dont believe that the kids relationship with their father should be dictated by the yours/ours

Good luck from Jhb,RSA

Anonymous said...

-i think she should tell us not to do it, if what she posted applies to us.. Because Even Allah ta ala does... do not do it if you feel you dont got it like that...shes only doing what a Muslim should, whether its due to her sour experience(if I may sister, forgive me inshAllah) or if she is just advising out a wanting to help... and Allah knows Best her niyyah.. but sister one thing... some brothers do "have it like that" and it may be easier for them by little or a lot more than for your other. Allah sustain us all in our eman and reasoning.. amin... salaam

AliahBishr said...

Ameen.

Sister I admire you for being strong and trying to make the best of the situation. May Allah guide you and protect you insha Allah, Me He(swt) also bless you for being as supportive as you can.

Assalamu Alaikum

Candice said...

Anon: Polygamy is hard and I don't see why she should not have a right to say it! I think that discouraging polygamy when the man "cannot live up to it and the regulations set" (her words) is WISE of her!

Cassinova said...

Hi Vena. I stumbled upon your blog randomly, and I have to say that I love your writing and how real your thoughts and feelings are portrayed on your blog! I am not Muslim, so I am not qualified to give any advice or suggestions, but I want to let you know that your words have touched my life. I have been struggling with my own personal issues, and after reading your blog, I feel comforted in the fact that others are in situations of uncertainty and instability as well. It is so true when you write that life is all about ups and downs and everyone has his/her time. I wish the best for you and your family!

Cassinova said...

Hi Vena. I stumbled upon your blog randomly, and I have to say that I love your writing and how real your thoughts and feelings are portrayed on your blog! I am not Muslim, so I am not qualified to give any advice or suggestions, but I want to let you know that your words have touched my life. I have been struggling with my own personal issues, and after reading your blog, I feel comforted in the fact that others are in situations of uncertainty and instability as well. It is so true when you write that life is all about ups and downs and everyone has his/her time. I wish the best for you and your family!

UmmIsa said...

Assalam alaykum ukhti,I have just read through your whole blog mashallah,u had me engrossed. I just wanted to say eventhough I dont know you and have never met you,I really like you mashallah and love u feesabilillah. You are such a strong women subhanallah. I can tell you are a good person and a wonderful muslimah mashallah tabarakallah. Keep up the bloggin inshallah xxx love frm an irish sister livin in england :)

Aicha Richards said...

As Salamu Alaykum:

I feel really sorry for you. You are right the MEN need the class on how to be good husbands. If done right and as long as the MEN follow the rules set by Allah swt, I think polygyny could really be an interesting time and even fun with the right sister wife.

Aicha Richards said...

As Salam Alaikum:

I do feel sorry for you. I think you are so right...The HUSBANDS needs the classes on how to be good and follow the rules set by Allah swt. I think that, with the right sister wife, polygny could really be alot of fun.

akl1985 said...

asalam alaykum,

hi sis i just came upon your blog and couldnt stop reading. please sis, give us an update on how you are doinng now. its been a year.

Anonymous said...

Sister Vena...update us!

Inshallah your situation has improved, may Allah grant you the best of both worlds and grant you peace of mind and tranquility of the heart.

Love and salaam

Huriya said...

Asalamu alaikum my sister in Islam. I am in major depression at the moment. I don't know where to begin. I came online because i feel lost and feel i have a major test ahead of me and dont know what to do or feel. I feel terrible. and I found your blog. I cried for you and myself. I want to talk with you. Can we???? I can't share with my family. My husband doesn't want me to, and i don't want to hurt them either. and i feel they might not give me the best advice that will help me. So i wanted to speak with someone that is in the position already. Please tell me we can talk, either through the phone, Skype, or whatever suits you. please, sister :'( and May Allah (swt) reward you with the highest level of Jannatul Firdaws! Ameen! I love you as my sister in islam

Anonymous said...

We miss u ..come back................please.!!! lol hope all is well inshallah

Heather said...

Please email me! I have a question about your blog :)
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

Looking back over this post...alhamdulileh I'm so glad you got out of this situation and found peace.

Last year, my husband came *thisclose* to marrying another woman. The 4 months that I was dealing with this trial were the worst 4 months in my life (I was only involved for the last 4 months of it, but the situation had been building for a long time before that, which I was unaware of). My heart felt black. I was in despair. I didn't know I could cry that much. I felt so depressed that everything in life was creased with sadness.

I dont' know how you did it sister, but alhamdulileh you survived with your sanity.

In the end, he didn't go through with it. The situation just exploded. NOTHING was blessed on that path. It was just bad to worse.

My heart was broken, but alhamdulileh. I am healing. I learned A LOT of things...among them, that marriage is fragile. Don't ever take anyone or anything for granted. Don't assume anything. You have to be careful, and vigilant. You have to be on your best behavior. To be grateful to Allah for trials and tests and inshaAllah rewards for our strengthened patience and inshaAllah erasing of our own bad deeds. And always, always, always have faith and take comfort in Allah, no matter what.

My husband and I are still married, and alhamdulileh we are healing. But I will always be careful.

I came *thisclose* to divorce (we now have only 1 chance left...2 have been used up), although it TERRIFIED me. That fear was suffocating, because I felt like I didn't have any options.

I like hearing stories about women who do well after divorce - they can care for their children, find peace, and move on. Because it's a relief to know that it IS possible to survive after divorce, to have your children, and to be happy. It's nice to know there's options. Just in case.

I pray for the best for you and your children, sister - in this life and the next. Ameen.