Monday, June 16, 2008

My plots and thoughts

Here is another attempt at me getting real with myself. There has never been a time in my life where I doubted myself as much as I have since my husband married Lisa. I do not know who I am anymore. I do not know what I want to be or who I am becoming. I am in total confusion. My mind is in chaos, my life in turmoil, my faith in examination. Anyone who knows me would think I am handling things pretty well, but am I really? I am falling apart. Why? Why does a man define the way I feel about myself? I used to think I had good self-esteem....now I am not so sure. I am weak!!!

My thoughts are many.....but I am going to share two of them that have become repetitive.

Thought#1 : I keep toying with the idea of finding my husband a third wife who would not only be a part of my husband's life, but also a part of mine and my children's' lives. I want my husband to have a wife who cares for us as much as herself. A wife who is not selfish. Is it my right to enforce that???? NO WAY, but I can wish; can't I? I want us to help one another. I want her to give as much as she takes. I want her to think of the families well being as a whole.

I do not believe in the idea that he is one man with two separate marriages. This is bull! Our lives will always be intertwined. It can never truly be separate. My marriage to him effects her life as does her marriage to mine. I am way past the shock of him getting another wife so why not find someone who will be a good friend to me as well? As long as he does it with my knowledge and approval then I can defeat the jealous feelings insha Allah.

I know my husband would consider it. He's toyed at the idea with me. But I know someone who might mind and consideration would be out of the question. lol! I know it may seem mean, but I have to be honest that the thought crosses my mind like this.....Why not kill two birds with one stone? Why not make what went around, come around??? Yes.....PAYBACK! A part of me still wants revenge. Does it still bother me after 2 1/2 years what they did??? HELL YEAH, it bothers me a lot. I know it is Qadr Allah, but it still strikes a soar spot for me. Betrayal, humiliation, deceit. These are not things easily forgotten.

When I am with her and we are friends I tend to forget these feelings completely, but when we do not talk.....my thoughts return to how it happened. Yes I know this is from shaytan.

Anyways! Believe it or not, Lisa recently accused my husband of having similar intentions for a friend of mine. It caused a problem between the two of them and deep down I was so thrilled. She finally feels that threat that I felt so looooong ago. But I was also irked by the fact that she was not as willing to share her husband as she thought I should have been willing to do.

Why was it OK for her to do it to me, but not for it to be done to her????? OOOOOh now I am pissed!!! Well her excuse would be (because we discussed this subject before) that she already doesn't have enough time with him to share more time with another wife. Well you know what I say???? Too Freakin bad; you didn't think of me when you took from my time or my children's time. You cared about yourself and he cared about himself. You didn't care that "TIME" was my main issue of concern with my husband before you even entered into the picture and yet you were so ready to take half of it. She took most of my time. Not only do I have to share with five children, but I have to share with her too....well adding one more to the mix won't make that much difference anymore.

My husband and I are growing further apart so why should I care if the time is even less? Let him get a third (who might actually end up being the second) and at the same time I can benefit from his marriage. Why should they be the only ones to gain? Sounds crazy I know, but hey those are "Thoughts of a first wife." If I do find someone for him I would want her to have kids and she would have to be a selfless person. I would help her as much as she would help me. It would be about sisterhood and family!

Thought #2 : Do I just want to win? Do I want payback and or revenge? Do I really want my husband all to myself? Do I even really want him after all he has put me through? Sometimes I think I just want to prove to her that in the end I will win. I know I wondered in the last posts about his feelings for me, but deep down I know where his heart is. I know it would just take a few days of me being gone before he realizes what I was to him. I know he loves me. People tell me he lusts for her.....whether that is true or not is not what matters. He has it easy over there so he will never give that up as long as I am making it easy for him.

My husband and I have a bond between us that I know he will miss when I am not there. Sometimes I feel the need to leave to open his eyes to what he can lose. My husband is more comfortable with me because I am not as jealous as she is. But this makes him watch himself with her and sometimes over look things with me because he figures I wouldn't make as big of a deal. I mess with him all the time and tell him that he is scared of her. lol. That really irritates him, but that's the point isn't it? Like I said I am just being honest with myself in this post. Even if people do not like what I am saying or how I am thinking.....all that matters is that they are "MY thoughts". Thoughts of a First wife!!!

20 comments:

Organic-Muslimah said...

Well, let me be the devil's advocate here. If he married in a halal manner and is providing for both of you, why are you angry? Isn't what he chose to do halal? Why are you angry at Lisa? According to your understanding, they both avoided temptation and married. According to you, your husband is trying to be the best husband to you by working hard. You say it's not fair because the time you share with her is divided by you and your five children while she has none? Where do the "scholars" discuss this important aspect? According to their interpretation, what you are enduring is completely fair and you shouldn't be angered or bothered. As a matter of fact, they will accuse you of listening to shaytan.

So you want a third wife with more children. He already has your children (5?)+ His children from previous marriage (2-3?)+ Lisa, doesn't she have a son or something? or possibly trying to get pregnant + New wife with more children (1-3)= What is wrong with this situation?

Does anyone think about the children? We live in an American society, how will the children grow up to be? I am guessing rebellious.

All because someone wanted more booty.

Umm Fawlaana said...

as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah

Ukthi I know how you feel. In my previous marriage my co-wives were brought in under this curtain of secrecy. They had a relationships with each other before marriage, and I felt betrayed! But revenge won't make you feel better.

It's hard, I know, but turn to Allaah, sounds cliche? It works!
check me out at http://hissecondwife.blogspot.com

vena said...

Sister not everything that is halal should be done. My husband should have never married her to begin with. You never fix a marriage by getting another marriage. Where is the sense in that? Our problems were minor and fixable, but instead of my husband being patient he decided to run from his problems and created new problems in the process. My husband is providing, but since he's married her I have to pay bills that I never had to pay before and so does she.

I never said my thinking was right or that I would ever really act on it, but it is my thinking. I write here so I can express the feelings inside me honestly and to show others who are going through the same thing that we all think similarly in a lot of things.

Another thing in the shari3ah.... aren't we entitled to our time? My children get to see my husband maybe max an hour or two every other day.....is that the fairness that I should not be angered or bothered by? Is that completely fair? Can you raise children in that amount of time. Mind you during that time he is on the phone or at the masjid.

The third wife would be someone who can help me raise these kids instead of me doing it alone. He works too much supporting all the families he's created.I need help.I can't go get another husband. Raising five girls here in america is going to be a trial on it's own. Children need more than just one setof eyes and everyone else in my life have their own lives to tend to. It's a thought to toy with, but nothing acted upon.

vena said...

Thank you umm fawlana for the link. I did check it out and insha Allah I will be a regular reader. please keep writing. It is wonderful to get the other side of things.

Coolred38 said...

Hello...I came across this blog several weeks ago and read through it while you were taking a break.

I can read your pain in nearly ever post you make...it comes out so clear its almost tangible and concrete...Ive read peoples comments and how they sypathize with you and always advise you to be patient etc.

Something I didnt read even once...but I may be wrong as I cant be sure I read every post...is how your husband can be married to two women while in the US anyhow. Its against the law as far as i know...I dont mean to step on toes or feelings here...but Im really just curious. If your husband is the good Muslim man that you say he is many times through out these posts...how did he convince himself that breaking the law to acquire a second wife was completely Islamic and fair to you or her? In the eyes of the govt she isnt even his legal wife...just a mistress...and that is a fact. I dont care if he married her in front of a sheikh in the mosque etc...Muslims are meant to follow and obey the laws of the land they live in...period. Multiple wives is allowed in Islam as long as Gods requirements are met...but its not a commandment to have more than one wife...so to not have more than one is permissable and the recommended choice...so Muslims should not feel compelled to break the law just to full fill an unrequired permissable act?

I dont mean to antagonize you here...its not my intention at all as your life is your life...I just want to understand why its never mentioned anywhere here to my knowledge by anyone that he actually broke the law and is making you miserable because of it...and making her a mistress in the eyes of the govt and a fornicator in the eyes of God?

Bigamy is not allowed in America....polygamy is not allowed in America...plural marriages are not allowed in America...so Muslims have no right practicing such an act contrary to the law.

I feel for your children who are caught in this emotional power struggle... I feel for you and Lisa that are caught in this love/hate relationship with each other...because of the inconsiderate actions of a man. I feel for your husband who seems rather selfish and self centered to bring this chaos into the lives of his children without proper care and forethought.

I hope you will not ban me cause you dont like my comments...while I understand it I would just like to say that by posting here on the net you are allowing others to read about your life and make comments about it...so I hope your as accepting of the more critical ones as the sympathetic ones....I am not accusing you or judging you...I feel you and Lisa are the victims of one mans greed...despite his "good intentions"...and your children are witnessing all this and learning that chaotic and confusing marriages are the norm rather than the exception. I pray that Allah swt guides you all in all ways that are good...and yes...I pray that you have infinite patience...but not with him...but with yourself and Lisa. Both of you deserve much more than what youve been given...I pray someday you both realize this.

coolred38

3rd... said...

hi vena, i think your thoughts are not that bad at all.. i remember it was so hard for 2nd when I entered and it made her realize she was way unfair towards 1st. And i found it hard when 4th came.. that made me realize some things as well. I hope if your husband gets a 3rd that she will truly be your sister and friend. It might turn out differently you know.
Ask God to help you out here. He might arrange the best of co-wives for you. I truly hope He does.

It would help if you two would live nearby. Like in the apartment next to you or something similar. So you can really share a life together.
Who knows..

*C* said...

I can see how you might wish you had another co-wife who would be a "team-mate" instead of only competition for your husband's time, finances, etc.

My sisterwife and I live together and so we share expenses, I get help with the kids, I have another woman around for company, we split housework, and Hubby can spend time with all of us together (except at night). That way we aren't competing for those things. That only works for us because we are good friends.

But I think it's norma to wish for a situation where your plural marriage would benefit you, not just take away from what you had.

And while it would be better to not have thoughts of revenge, it's easy to imagine wishing that wife 2 would have to go through a little of what you dealt with when she entered the picture.

I wouldn't mind a third (not that I want it, though), but I notice my SW hates the idea. She doesn't want to share Hubby any more than she does now. I don't think she would have been willing to share Hubby with me if she were his first wife. ;)

vena said...

I just want to quickly explain how my husband is not breaking the law. My husband is not married to me or lisa legally. I didn't marry my husband legally even before she ever entered into the picture. we were married over two years before she came along and I never wanted to get married legally. I have been married legally before and it is hell to get out if need be. I like it the way it is. We are lawful in Allah's sight and yet if we decide we are not right for one another....only one word stands in the way.

And I wouldn't ban you for speaking what is in your heart. It is nice to read other peoples thoughts and opinions. It gives me insight and perspectives I might not have noticed otherwise.

Safiyyah said...

Salaams Vena:

Islamic marriage is harder to get out of than civil marriage. Where I live, the imams aren't so willing to grant a divorce unless it's for a really awful and sinful reason.

Organic-Muslimah said...

Vena, Why did the scholar who married your husband and List no investigate before performing the Nikah. Why are the scholars allowing this to happen to our Muslim families. If you noticed, I don't agree with what I was suggesting, I was merely trying to highlight why polygyny in America doesn't work. Your children and you are paying for the cost. Seriously, the IMAMS in America need to think.

Umm Hafsah said...

Asalaamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah Vena,

I have read your blog for a long time but never posted. I really admire your strength and I can only imagine how you must feel, ukhti. May Allah reward you for everything you are going through, and for everything that you have done for your husband, your children, and his children.

For some reason, I had the urge to reply today. I am not in a polygamous marriage alhamdulilah (and to tell the truth, it is my hope that I never will be, but alhamdulilah, my husband isn't the 'type') but I made it a rule with my husband that he understood that I was not the type of woman who could ever live in that situation, however if he felt like he was going to marry another woman, and he was so convinced that there was nothing I could say or do, that he leave it to me to have input in his second wife. This would be a woman who would be a part of my life and my family too, and I would rather have it be someone who I find myself compatible with as a friend and sister in Islam, then to have it be some surprise based solely on my husband's desires. For this reason, I totally understand what you are thinking about the third wife idea.

Well, I think that it is an idea, and perhaps it would work and you could also find a woman who would benefit from a marriage with your husband (maybe someone from your culture? I know in my country there are so many unmarried women and they are getting into their 30s without having a husband unless they want to settle for a man without deen), maybe someone who has children already and is raising them alone? But before, you have to purify your intention inshaAllah and make sure to keep shaytan out of your dealings with her so you can have a pure friendship and love eachother feesabilillah.

As for Lisa, well...this is complicated. If you get another co-wife, and she and you become close, and Lisa does not like her, you will have to be careful to avoid things that could come quite easy, like ganging up against her or backbiting her (the wife might sympathize with you a lot and thus feel defensive and want to insult her); and what if it goes the other way and she becomes close with you but is also friends with Lisa. Will you wonder how she can be your friend and be friends with the woman who has turned your life upside down? On the other side, I don't doubt that it would be nice to have a co-wife through purely Islamic procedures (while your DH and Lisa did it somewhat halaal, your description of the whole event struck me as somewhat unIslamic) and not through desire and deceit. But at the same time, I think if you want another co-wife you will have to let this go. To be so angry against her...its understandable, but not healthy. YOU don't deserve that. If she has done wrong, then Allah will deal with you justly and He will give you what you deserve. But to let yourself hold onto this, well, it will only eat away at you inside. Remember, Rasulullah saws said 'the one who does not show mercy, Allah will not show mercy to him. The one who does not forgive, Allah will not forgive him.' You don't need to be friends with her, you can keep your distance (and I would actually recommend it) just try to forget what she has done a bit, because perhaps she has repented to Allah for it, in which case there is no right for you to hold it against her, and if she hasn't then Allah will suffice you on the matter on Yawmul Qiyamah and inshaAllah reward you with better in Jannah. You will feel lighter! You will feel better! I pray Allah gives you ease through these hardships and grants you a great reward. Make sure to keep up with qiyam, as it is the best time during hardship, the best time to get close to Allah swt. If after this, you would still like another co-wife, then I would say pray istikharah and go for it, find a righteous woman who will work with you towards Allah's pleasure and be a good friend.

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaam sister Vena!

I am so happy that you replied to my blog..I am smiling from ear to ear right now!

What you are feeling is a result of pented up frustration..yes, you have a right to feel how you do as you are human and are subjected to a array of emotions..BUT I do not feel that adding another Wife to the equation right now would be such a good thing..it not only puts a financial strain on things but also emotionally as well and whatever reserves he has as it is should be placed on both yourself and Lisa and the children involved.

I do believe in 2 separate marriages AND more importantly*as you have stated* that they DO intertwine which is to be expected..it is hard for you not to be effected by the actions in the other marriage as it will place a emotional strain on you no matter if you choose to become involved as to the discussions or not.

What I took hard*and I am soon to be a Wife married to a Man who is already married*- that Lisa took offense to your Husband lusting after another, I've always tried to wear the "shoe" on the other foot as much as possible because in the ending we all have feelings.

Is it possible to kinda "start from scratch" when it comes down to applying yourself within your marriage..not to forget what you have been through but rather to channel your anger and emotions to somewhat benefit your marriage? We often tend to ride that emotional rollercoaster but I do not want for you to place yourself in a position that you ask for Nikah when you have so much to fight for within your marriage.

YOUR THOUGHTS are exactly that, no matter if I or anybody else agrees with you or otherwise, YOU are entitled to them.

I shall be checking back as I always do.

Salaam

UmmRania said...

Assalamu Alaikum

Good to read from you again! I think that for me, this was the most heartfelt thing you have written yet. I, nor anyone else here can tell you whats best or what is the easiest for you--in this life or the next--only Allah does. You are in my duas inshaallah, and I love you for Allah

Assalamu Alaikum

PM said...

I think you are really playing a destructive game here, sister. First of all, after 2.5 years I feel that you need to put the anger behind you and put your energy into the positive work of strengthening your marriage. I would suggest some serious counseling and if after that you still cannot accept your husbands marriage to lisa, then you might consider moving on and getting a divorce.

I do believe you know in your heart that your motivations are not right IF you feel that polygyny is acceptable. In that case it is not really your place to decide on who he can and cannot be married to (and I do believe you know this). I think you would only be inviting in more potential conflict since you never know how a third marriage might emotionally impact you down the road. You will also be making a conscious decision to put your own children's financial wellbeing at risk because of your jealousy over Lisa -- not to mention the fact that they would have even less of him physically and emotionally. Surely you know that this is selfish and immature, sweetie. Don't let your ego get the better of you so that your kids will pay the price.

You made the choice to be with a man who had 2 children from a previous relationship and then have more children with him. I know it is not easy, but people do it alone (look at Safa for example) when they have to. If you cannot cope, then you might consider having him take his other 2 kids to raise on his own, with their mother or with Lisa.

Lastly, it seems that you are allowing your husband's other marriage to wiegh down your own faith and behavior as a Muslim. Is he worth it, Vena? Is fighting another women for him and doing things that you know are not consistent with being a good Muslim worth it? I pray you will give some serious thought to your future -- both with and without him -- and do the right thing.

BTW, you said you didn't want to be legally married to him because you wanted to be able to divorce more easily but clearly this "Islamic marriage" isn't easy for you to get out of either. I think you are underestimating the emotional attachment of any kind of marriage and perhaps even trying to justify not abiding by the laws of the land you live in but allahu alim.

Salaam,
PM

Anonymous said...

I say burn her heart the way she burned yours. But that's the evil in me. It also could blow up in your face. Women are emotionally attached to their husband not their other wives. How would you feel if he legally married Lisa?

Browngurl said...

Asalam Alaykum Sister,

Keeping on writing and writing (perhaps even doing some private writing) to get these thoughts down on paper so you can examine and flush things out. I pray that you benefit from this link! iamsheba.com

applemuffins said...

Assalamualaikum,

Dear sister, What is marriage? Define marriage. the reasons you married your husband. the meaning of marriage when you married your husband. has it changed throughout these years?

maybe for all the thoughts that you have, you just need to realise what marriage is all about.

so what if your husband marries 3? so what if whatever happens. that is not suppose to be the objective for ur stay in dunya here.

my dearest sister, i hope that you will find light in these. and please bear in mind that, the distance between u and syaitan is just a whisper away. don't get manipulated by it.

count your blessings. don't count your ruins.

Take care.

btw, is it okay if i link u up in my blog? :)

vena said...

Applemuffins: Yes please link me to your blog.

Jazakum Allahu khairan for all the comments. You made me really think a lot. You are all correct in your thinking especially PM. Thank you for being so straight up with me, but in a polite way. I really appreciate all the advice given from ALL if you. There were things mentioned in the comments that I will always keep in mind.You all might have just saved my marriage.

Safa said...

The only sad thing I want to add to this is that you asked if you just want to win....

Yes, I think a part of us does want to win. After all, you were with him longer and had his heart first. But in his mind....it doesn't work like that.

You also said.."My husband and I have a bond between us that I know he will miss when I am not there."

I thought the same thing....but amazingly....it didn't work like that.

You have to admit...that you are married to a selfish man.

I finally came to the conclusion at one point....that I felt like I didn't have to compete for my husband. And gave up. What would I win? Half a man who loves himself more than he ever loved anyone else.....

And that has been proven after I left......

Only you know when you've had enough.....

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Sister V.,

Sorry that I wasn't here earlier.

I do have some knowledge on this, unfortunately.

Allah is truly The One Who is Most Just. You don't have to devise some devlish (yes, a good word choice) plan to outwit, outplay, and outlast. This isn't the game of Survivor. This is Islam. Just be yourself and be good.

I'll tell you this: when my son's father (remember him?) came to visit, I was good. He was good. His ex-and-now-current wife freaked. She couldn't believe that we were staying halal, because...well...had she? See, those who do bad deeds believe everyone else is doing bads deeds as well and it eats them alive. It isn't for me to make that happen, it just naturally happens. The truth comes out and those who wish to see the truth will. I love the truth. Loving the truth is loving Allah.

How good of you to be truthful with your intentions. Keep it real, girl. You'll be glad you did...maybe not every single second, but eventually.

"Eventually," is one of my favorite words. Eventually, it all works out for the best. Trust me.