Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I'm sad!

So it's finally happened!!! We are officially separated. He spoke with the sheikh and my mother and they both sided with me on the issues I had addressed concern with. He didn't like that of course, but the sheikh still advised him to separate from me until we decide if divorce is really what I want. He doesn't want a divorce or a separation, but then again why would he? He has a place to escape to every other day. He has a spouse to comfort him every other day. Why would he have to leave? He gets the best of both worlds. It's so convenient isn't it. Well that is over with now. I am not going to be here to accommodate him. He comes home lights a fire in me and then leaves. Sometimes I could swear that he would only come home to provoke me. That is not a life or a marriage. We were not like that. I no longer know the person he has become and I deeply miss the person that he was, but I am not going to live my life waiting for something that was a part of my past. What's done is done and what's here is here. I just have to accept that as a part of life. Well he tried to act as if nothing happened.....I think he thought I would cool down and forget about it like I always have, but I didn't. Not this time buddy! I am serious. I am sad, but I am determined to stay strong. This is the right thing to do. He has to give me my rights. My kids and I have a right to our time and I refuse to let him take it from us. If that is the case than he will lose his time as well. Insha Allah we will see where all of this leads.

20 comments:

Caminante said...

Assalamu `alaykum,

Alhamdulillah sister, I am truly happy to see you come out of your sad resignation to at more "active" sadness. I know separation must be hard, but insha'Allah Allah swt will reward you for your efforts to get the rights He gave to you. This is really a jihad sister, remember.

And sis, this separation is not only good for you, but also for him. Unfortunately, most men that have more than one wife are not very God-fearing. But if they only knew!!! Allah swt has warned men that hellfire awaits for them if they're unfair to their wives. So he needs to understand the seriousness of the situation and reflect and insha'Allah this separation will help him. It's his akhira that is at stake. The Quran is also very clear in that if you cannot be fair to more than one wife you should have only one... and he should pay heed to the words of Allah swt.

So sis, stay STRONG! Not only for you, but for him as well. Remember... this is your jihad, and your service to Islam, to your kids , to your husband and to the people around you to show them what Islam is about, to teach them about how to conduct a marriage in Islam, and the consequences of not being fair. It's a lesson for everyone that they're not entitled to take the rights Allah swt gave us and that marriage in Islam is not about women being able to put up with all of our husbands whims.

I'll keep you in my du`a sis.

Insha'Allah try to go to a professional counselor if possible!

All the best,
Caminante

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Insha'Allah everything turns out for the better, I would say turns out the way you want but sometimes the way we want it is not the best. Allah is the best of planners so stay strong and you will perservere(HA I said perservere)....

Anonymous said...

You go, girl! I am very proud that you finally managed to take that first step towards freedom for you and your children. Allah will surely smile upon you, inshallah! <3

PM said...

Dear Vena,

You say he has to give you your rights but you also stated that he comes to you every other night and you've said he supports you so you can stay at homes raising the children. In polygyny those ARE your rights -- equal time and support as the other wife. What is it that you want now, Vena? Is it that you don't want him to love Lisa (perhaps you feel he loves her more than you as you have indicated before)? Islamic polygyny "allows" him to love one more than another (as long as he is fair with time and supports each wife) by saying that a man cannot control what is in his heart. Is it that you don't want polygyny now? Or that you want to choose his wife for him to make sure he doesn't love her more than you?

I suspect you are unclear yourself at this point and I would urge you to think about it, Vena.

Love you,
PM

Fragile Vessel said...

as salaamu alaykum Vena,

In shaa Allaah I will keeo you in my duaas, I have been following your blog, please remember patience in shaa'Allaah. email me

http://atilthforyou.blogspot.com

Mumina said...

Asalaam alaikum Vena,

This is a very good thing, inshaAllah, and I hope Allah will reconcile your hearts during this seperation and help your husband to see his faults and desire to do better for you and the children.

My ex-husband didn't see it until it was too late. We are haraam to each other, and now he is sorry, now he regrets it. Now when it is too late. Hopefully you and your husband never get to that stage.

Work on your iman, be strong, like you said, and ask Allah for what is best for you.

:)

Anonymous said...

keep making istikhara and do it out of a feeling of fairness and stuff, not revenge.

and find solace in the fact that we will all be repaid what we earned on the day of judgement.

Anonymous said...

As salamo alkum Veena:
As I read this blog you saddened me and I can tell you are hurt. However don't forget you will get over this and you WILL have a life again. Just refer the the sura: " fa " and incase we don'ina maa al usri yusrat believe it it is repeatd "ina maa al usri yusra". So just hand in there, enjoy your beautiful children, indulge in them and remember what doesn't break you only makes you stronger!

Mua said...

Salams sister,
I recently came across your blog and I could feel ur pain as I read ur entries. Changes occurs after marriage during the marriage itself and even after a marriage is dissolve... Whatever it is Allah (swt) knows what is best for us and have life pathed out the way he thinks is best for us... So stay strong and keep HIM close to your heart... U'll be in my prayers.

Sunny

Anonymous said...

I pray that Allah blesses you and your kids with the best. And that He guides you to a solution soon.

What has Lisa's response been to all this?

UmmAbdurRahman said...

why do you need an imam to give you a separation? Can't you do that without him?

Anonymous said...

salaam alayk, sister please pray that Allah gives you more patience. I know that most women who ask for divorce wish they didn't, so, think about all the sacrifice you have made and have a rethink. may Allah give you the best.

mena said...

sabr, sabr and more sabr. It rarely fails[yeah i was going to say never but...]
well keep having sabr as before ukhti. you can do it.

mena said...

I read a comment on your post "i've had enough by "anonymous" who said she was married 5 years with 3 kids and how she had a holywood style marriage for the first six months...hmmm. sister, i would have thought that post was made by me except for the almost unbelievably perfect first few months of bliss she said she had. My point is we all have one problem or the other in and with our marriages and most are just trying to hold on and keep having sabr for the sake of Allah seeking the reward with him only. i want you to please look into the last statement she made; what do you think is going to get better if you get a divorce that will make it worth it??

Mary said...

MasAllah, I'm so proud of you!!!! *hugs* I've just begun reading your blog but I feel like I can very safetly say you're doing the right thing after reading that the situation makes you feel far from Allah. That's the absolutely worst feeling for any Muslim and no one, NO ONE, is worth that feeling. There's nothing good in Allah's absence. I can not imagine having to struggle with that for such along time! I'm overjoyed you've cut such an obstacle out of your path and are taking such a huge, scary step towards bringing yourself closer to your deen again. Your strength is inspiring.

vena said...

As salamu alikum siters....Jazakum Allahu khairan for your comments and well wishes. I would just like to respond to a few comments.

As salamu alikum sis PM: Yes my husband was fair to me as far as provision was concerned, but then again I do pay a lot of bills and I do not work. You see my husband is not a bad guy and I do not want to give a bad impression of him because of what I am about to say, but he feels that I should at least contribute because my children from my first marriage are living with me too and that they are not his financial obligation as far as islam is concerned. He is right, but it still bothers me. Don't get me wrong....he loves the girls, but that was his excuse to get me to pitch in I think. I put in way more than I probably should. Allahu a3alm. Anyways if I would have known that that was the way he thought....I would not have married him. This is one of our issues as well in the marriage. Another thing....If Lisa and I have to pitch in to help out then obviously that means that he cannot "afford" two wives....Right? Anyways my complaint is not the money. Alhamdulillah he provides the necessities, but my concern is the time and affection. Allah says that a marriage should have "Mawada wa rahma." I am over the fact that he loves her more. Wallahi sister believe me that that is not a reason I would destroy my entire family. I am not that selfish, but I do expect for him to put an effort into this family. He cannot work constantly to provide for two families and take from mine and the kids time to do it. I am never going to accept that. I am worth more than that!

As salamualikum sister Abdurrahman: You are right that I can get a separation without the imam, but that is only if the husband is willing. In this case my husband didn't feel there was a problem and didn't want a split. Alhamdulillah the imam saw my concerns and felt they were valid and after trying to talk to him twice about my concerns....finally suggested to him the he stay away for a while. Had he refused the sheikh would have taken other measures....possibly divorce or that I would have to be the one to leave.

vena said...

as salamu alikum sister mumina.... I am sorry about your situation and May Allah grant you comfort and ease in this life and the next....Ameen! Doesn't it make your blood boil that these men only see the light when it's too late. I do not get it. They take us for granted all this time and then after they have lost us they see what they had. I truly believe that men are like children. The things they want are the things they can't have and then when they have it they no longer want it. It's so selfish and immature. Hasbi Allahu wa ne3mal wakeel!!!

Organic-Muslimah said...

Is this the same Imam who married him to Lisa?

PM said...

Dear Vena,

Please don't get me wrong. You have every right to stay in polygyny or divorce if the reality of it doesn't suit you. Surely a man with 2 wives should work very hard to support them -- and shouldn't be taking from you in my opinion (especially when you take care of his children from another relationship). It's funny to me how the desire for another wife can lead a man to lose what he already has, but this is accepted in Islam and allahu alim....

Take care sweetie,
PM

srinivas said...

very sad to read sister :(

my mind bleeding - i pray with the almighty for your ever welfare (sob sob)