I feel so depressed! What is wrong with me? It's been two and a half years already and wallahi I thought I was over it. I thought I had gotten to a stage where I was accepting of the whole situation. I thought I was ok, but I'm not and everyday I get worse.I know shaytan is winning over me. I am ashamed to say it, but it's the truth. I feel so far away from Allah right now and I know that this has a lot to do with the feelings I have and the situation that I am in. I am not the same person that I was. My eman is so low and I am deathly afraid that I will not come out of this. I keep thinking of a black spot growing on my heart so much so that I completely go astray.
Wallahi I am writing this and thinking how PATHETIC I am. No man and I mean NO MAN is worth me losing my akhira. How have I allowed shaytan to misguide me this much? I feel so bad I want to cry. How did I get into this? This is a great fitnah for me. What if I do not pass it? I have everything to be thankful for and yet I am still worrying about the things that do not matter. I wasn't like this. I don't know when it all started to change.
I keep wishing that my husband would go back to practicing the deen the way he used to, but the truth is that I am not practicing it as I used to as well. Maybe this is supposed to be my chance to put my life back into perspective. We all stray, but the point is to get back on track and keep going and keep growing. I honestly am at loss. I do not know what I want anymore and I do not know how to redirect myself.
Very recently I went to the Imam of my masjid and asked him to grant me a khula. I don't even know if it is what I want or not. I am so confused. Every time I try to be good and patient.....my husband does something totally stupid and then I go back to square one thinking "To hell with it all and to hell with him." Isn't that horrible? I know it is from shaytan, but I do not know how to calm myself anymore. My patience has worn thin. I keep thinking to myself....."why do I have to be the patient one?" "Why do I have to put all the effort?" "Why do I have to let things go?" Why do I have to calm down?" WHY? WHY? WHY? Why the hell can't he be the patient one who puts the effort, calms down and lets things go? Why are we women asked to sacrifice and the men no matter what they do are considered not to be sinning? I am sick and tired of this.
These are my thoughts. I think I am going to drive myself crazy, but then I remember why. I am going to be accountable for my actions. I am going to answer to Allah alone and NO ONE will be there beside me. I will not be able to blame my husband or shaytan. I alone control my actions and I alone will be accounted for them. If I could just keep this thought in my head when I am angry then maybe I could do better, but usually it doesn't last long.
I don't really want to find a third wife for my husband. My main reason for doing it would not be for help. Allah is the one I should be relying on for help. I am not a freakin victim and I have to stop letting shaytan make me think of myself in that light. I AM NOT A VICTIM. I am capable of doing what I do and more, but if I face hardship then I have to turn to the only one who can give me ease. My husband cannot give me ease. Lisa cannot give me easy. A third wife cannot give me ease. Only the one who created me can give me ease. My intention to find him a third would mainly be an act of revenge, but as you all have pointed out.....it could backfire and it would not benefit my kids much. My girls need a dad. They do not need another mom. I actually believe that it would backfire because my intentions are not pure. Anything done with impure intentions will end up with a negative backlash.
Sorry I am babbling, but writing this is actually helping me a lot. I have to win Allah's love, not the love of my husband. I have to beg Allah to forgive me and beg him for strength to overcome this trial. Life is too short to live it worrying about the things that are not in my hands. I am wasting my life and I am missing the good out of my children's' lives. Not to insult my husband, but they deserve my attention....not him. They deserve my love....not him. They deserve my appreciation.....not him. They deserve stability and comfort.....not him. They deserve to have me.....not him.
17 comments:
I myself have had some serious heartbreak and trials through my 20 year marriage....at times I was so close to my deen it was like a living breathing part of my heart. Other times I moved so far away from it I felt like a hypocrite even referring to myself as Muslim. It was that bad. In the end I decided that what he said or did etc meant nothing to me...the only thing that mattered where my children. Once I stopped caring and giving so much emotional weight to his words and actions...is the moment I removed the burden of him from me and started thinking only of my kids...and then myself as a consequence.
Your children should be the first, last, and only consideration in your life when making one decision or another. Your life belongs to them...not to your husband. He can take care of himself and live with the consequences of his own choices. Think of them and only them....believe it will get better.
Dear Vena,
Your polygynous marriage is a great trial -- anyone would be struggling under the circumstances. I really urge you to get some counseling -- and I don't mean at the masjid. Find a counselor who has some expertise in working with relationship problems and single mothers. You would be surprised at how much it helps to have a detached 3rd party to talk to. A counselor can advise you on some good coping skills and get to the root of why you are in this arrangement (I suspect you have some problems with low self-esteem). Only then, can you start to change your life -- either within this marriage or outside of it.
Sweetheart, I know it is standard practice to blame everything on Shaytan ;) but if you want to get better I firmly believe you need to "own your stuff". It is completely normal to be angry, jealous and resentful under the circumstances. I DO believe your husband needs to work harder to make you feel more loved and appreciated. A man who thinks he is entitled to polygyny must also accept that he MUST work extra hard and be extremely patient and sensitive to his wives feelings. In Islam it is clear that polgyny is not required and is only acceptable under certain circumstances -- starting with the man being able to be completely fair and meet the needs of his wives and children, not to mention being able to afford it. In other words, it is a really rare man who is able to justify polygyny and meet its requirements. Instead what happens most of the time is a man who is far lacking decides he loves more than one woman so he'll just marry again. After all, in his mind all he can think about is that it is his RIGHT. He's rarely as focused on what this will mean in terms of responsibility. This is just the way most men are, I am afraid.
Vena, "own your problems" and get some counseling. That's the best advice I can give.
Love you,
PM
That was all well said. The beautiful thing about this is that it all came from you. These words should be written in stone, and put into practice. You have matured so much.
Vena, you deserve more than the best. You are a champion mom and wife. I don't Shaytaan is whispering to you. You are tired of being treated this way, it's simple and fair.
It's not shaytaan who is part of your problem, it's....
Allah with you habibity.
Salamu alaikum
What is the point of having a husband to be in so much pain. If you cannot rely on the man allah entrusted you to then what is the point?
I feel that you saying shaytan is winning is a way to excuse your husband's bad behavior. Sure shaytan can weasel his way in to an opening in your heart...an opeening that was put in by your husband. Your husband has given shaytan an easy way to play with your mind. He has some blame in this situation as well.
My parents divorced some time after my 1st birthday and I have no memories of my father when they were together. He had visitation one weekend a month which my mom wilingly sent us to. He got to see us for such a small portion of our life that he doesn't know anything about me. To this day, I can sit next to him and catch him staring at me. He will look at my now 12 year old sister(with his new wife) and tears well up in his eyes. He's told me that he regrets not being there more for us. It really hit him that he doesn't know much about me and it hurts him. I hope your husband doesnt have to wake up 25 years later like my father did and see the damage that he has caused. I wish, for the sake of your daughters, that he opens his eyes really soon.
dear sister.....i'm just lost for words.
It seems like you're crying out for help.
Can i suggest something?? Why don't you sit down and write a letter to him? Explain to him what you want out of this marriage. He has got what he wants with his life, you need to lay your load on the table too. InshAllah, when he see's it in black and white it may just do the trick.
And get you're children to write letters too - one for you and one for your husband. Then sit with him and read them together.
Is your husbands actions taking you away from the deen? Only you can answer that honestly. If he is - then you need to do some serious thinking.
Oh Vena......I hate to say this....
But you are wrong! The kids deserve both of you. And islamically they have rights to their father 100% of the time.
subhanallah, I feel so bad for you. marriage is such a trial when there is only one wife and husband. It must be very difficult. Are you able to talk to you husband about how you feel? that your considering getting a khula? do you think it will make a difference?
I know it's not an easy decision...and everyone's situation is different...i'm sure you've been following Safa's story. But it sounds like you might need to start thinking of life in terms of what is best for you and your children. I don't think Islam says that we HAVE to be unhappy and miserable in our marriages. That's not fair to you, your kids, or even your husband.
I'm not sure we ever get over it we just learn to cope....
As salaamu alaykum Vena,
Alhamdulillah, by the end of your post it seemed you had resolved your own issues. I say your own issues because you have them, we all do as women.
I am glad you remembered why we were created, wa khalaqtu jinna wa innsa lillah li yahbadoon, Allah says "And I created jinn & men to worship me." surah Ad dhariyaat ayat 56.
If we remember that, in shaa Allaah we should be fine, do what you do for the sake of Allaah even if you feel others may wrong you.
If it is Allah you want, then why are you forcing your self to stay in situation that is not bring you closer to Allah?
You dont have to answer that to me, but think about it with yourself. You are a young woman, do you really want to spend however many years that Allah has decreed for you in this situation? And if you really do, for whose sake? You, your husband's or solely for Allah?
Marriage can provide many things in Islam; companionship, mercy, love, intimacy - but at the very least it is meant to be a means for spouses to have HELP in seeking the nearness to Allah. Is that what you are doing with your husband?
And don't get me wrong, your situation could be applied to even a monogamous marriage. When two people don't belong together the friction is undeniable. It feels tiring, depressing, and it makes you angry.
Don't fall into questioning Allah or this deen, sweety. You know very well that a Muslimah has many rights - especially the right to peace and happiness, but no one can force you to want it. You have to know that you deserve it and that you can obtain it biithnillah. Allah wants good for the Muslims, but what do you want for yourself and your children?
Assalamu `alaykum sister,
I have been faithfully reading your blog since the beginning.
Let me tell you my thoughts. I will be blunt, so please forgive me in advance.
You seem to be someone with a soft and young heart, alhamdulillah. This is an amazing trait, but unfortunately it also makes you vulnerable to being taken for granted, which is what happened.
I don't know your husband well, so he can be a wonderful person but unfortunately, he's a lousy husband. I'm sure he has good points as a husband as well, but he's failing miserable in many aspects.
Sister, I see that you keep trying to "brainwash" yourself into thinking that this polygyny arrangement that you have is great, but I don't think it's working. Also, you seem to think that if you don't like this polygyny arrangement it means you have weak Eman and if you like it, then you're OK. That is not necessarily the truth.
Your husband has not been fair in this marriage. You are young and have LOTS of kids and he leaves you alone struggling. It breaks my heart. As I said in a previous comment, your husband's time with you, is with YOU, not with the kids. So he should allot the time between the 2 of you so that he has "kids" time and then the rest of the time divide it 50/50 with Lisa. And if Lisa doesn't have much housework because they don't have kids, then he should hire help so you don't have as much housework either, and so you're not tired all the time, etc, etc, etc.
So... you are in an unfair arrangement and your husband is neglecting you. I don't think you not liking this is a sign of the shaytan winning, or is a sign of a weak Eman. It could be a sign of you being called by Allah swt to fight for justice and to fight for the rights that Allah swt gave you and your husband took away.
Look it seems your marriage is not going so well but I think you first need to rebuild yourself! Pick yourself up! Whether your husband realizes it or not, it's obvious through your post that you're an amazing, kind person. Don't make your whole world revolve around him for now. Try to reinvent yourself. Re-discover yourself. Learn new things, maybe take a course on something. Go out, see friends. Have fun with your kids.
I don't know but your marriage might not get better. So if you decide to stay, you definitely need to start looking for ways to feel happy and fulfilled again. Turn to Allah swt for guidance. Don't be afraid to cry and tell Him all the difficulties you're having. Ask Him for help.
May Allah swt make this easy for you and help heal your heart sister.
As you are finding sister, this practice tips one upside down.
In a life of faith this can be good, if one is ready.
The key I think is, that the man does not take another wife until he is ready and Allah deems it so.
This sugests that one must learn to know allahs will, including to whom they be married.
So it cannot be done culturaly, or religiosly, but only by knowing when Allah sanctions it.
Assalamo Aliekoum
First of all I don’t think you are going crazy, but you are pushing your self too hard and if you cant find a good way to vent then you will lose it one day and do something really dumb. I cannot say I understand what you are exactly going through but I have some things to point out:
When I first married my husband we were 19 and he was 23, we were INLOVE… I mean Hollywood style and very soon after, about 6 months things started change. Life hit, we had our first child before our year anniversary. Everything changed when baby came along, we use to walk each other to the door and say “I love you”, give good bye kisses, never fought, it was a fairytale marriage until reality hit. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 kids and yes we still love each other but we are no longer inlove…. Those days are long gone. In find my self not really wanting him to come home some days, I feel relief when he works a lot so we don’t see each other much. I love how he is with the kids but he still only sees them about 2 hours a day MAX! hes gone before they wake up, and gets home between 6-8 pm, they sleep around 8 or 8:30. We have days where we don’t really talk much…. More don’t talk at all. The most is like “do you want coffee, did you pay the water bill…ect” and that’s all. We have had HUGE fights over how little we talk, he thinks its fine and all good and I am very unhappy with it all. I spent about 2 years mourning over what we use to be and who we were, veena, we were the perfect couple, so much inlove that we could be in a room full of people and be lost in our own world. Now we could be alone together and each be in our own world. He doesn’t have a 2nd wife and never has (as far as I know LOL) and we fight over the smallest things. We once went ten DAYS without food in the house because he refused to keep the kids and let me go get groceries for 2 hours. Here is how it goes, if I ask for almost anything we end up arguing, if I cook, clean, serve and don’t bother him he is happy-note that I said HE is happy.
Yeah there have been times where I think about divorce, just end this bull and move on, live my life….. but whats a life with a father for the children? I know he isn’t around much but hes still there. My father died when I was 3 (Allah yarhamu) and my mom remarried 3 times, I never had a father or even father figure and that effected me in MANY ways…….. what I am trying to say is leaving him or getting a 3rd wife is only going to hurt things. I have settled with the idea that marriage isn’t perfect, fun, or even all too good, it’s a living arrangement that we choose to make and depending on how well we do it-it makes life better for the children. Just think about divorce-what is going to improve? Are you going to have a nice house, nice car, money for school, or penny extra? Are they even going to see him much? What will improve by getting a divorce? What will change soooooooo drastically that it becomes worth it?
As salamo alikum Veena:
I live the last comment about marriage. I guess I can agree with most of what she said. I married my husband 10 years ago, we were love birds. He took me places and we went for walks. He would bring me gifts home without me even asking. We were poor but VERY happy. Now we have 3 kids and we have huge hurtles that we have to get over. One main issue is money, although it has improved greatly over years he still doesn't get somethings. He doesn't understand why I can't do everything-even with 3 kids. He thinks it is an "excuse". We have gone months without really having a meal together because he works all hours nearly everyday of the year(even when sick). Of course like everyone, we went through an ere where all we did is fight back to back, and I decided I was leaving. Then I weighed the cons and pros and decided it would be better to make it work. (I am glad I did). I imagined never seeing him again, and well I couldn't bear it. I realized I really did love him. I must tell you though, there are moments that we are so close I feel as if we are newlyweds again. I hold on to those moments. I do love how he is with the kids but honestly he doesn't spend enough quality time with my son, and it is affecting him. I grew up without a father and let me tell you it is not easy at all. You miss sooo much of your childhood, and it makes girls tough and their hearts yearning for a mans love. I envy girls who had their fathers their whole life. I was a daddy girl and then he was gone (not out of anyones choice but by Allah's decree).I guess the point is: No man is perfect at all, and believe it or not you want to be with him inspite of Lisa. Let me give a tool you might be able to use. When I am unable to control something that is hurting me I decide to take initiative and control it indirectly(and not I don't mean divorce). Find something you have over Lisa and use it to your advantage (children) and one thing that helped me during my turmoil was put my kids at a sitter for 3-4 hours and go out without anyone with me. Tell him you will pay for the sitting and just the two of you'll go out for dinner and enjoy one another's company. Don't talk about any issues bothering you, just enjoy the evening. Well, may Allah give you and all of us strength to endure this world. Please really consider divorce only as a last resort...Wa alikum Salam
Well, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I have many similar issues with my husband, and I am his only wife. I often wonder if divorce is a good option, but after long consideration I know it won't help in the long run. A trial seperation may bring your husband to his senses, though. I hope it all works out for the best for you and your children (I also have 5 daughters).
I thought it was interesting that in your last paragraph you wrote that you need to win Allah's love. I am unfamiliar with the muslim faith. Do you have to 'win' His love, or prove youself to Him as worthy of being loved?
Asalaam alaikum Vena,
Your entire post are things that I have either written or thought during my bitter time as a first wife. Except I didn't try as hard as you had, exert as much patience as you. But all of this, these feelings you have that I have had, is how I ended up fighting for and getting a divorce. I was too far away from Allah, my iman was soooo weak, pretty much gone. And even though I knew I had to just try to please Allah through the situation, the reality was that shaytan got to me very EASILY through the man who was supposed to be my husband and failed me completely.
I would just say that you should try your best to make it work with him if there is worth in it for your family. InshaAllah. Divorce is very hard on the sisters. I can't understand why in our religion the rules of marriage/divorce seem to have the potential for so much harm to the sisters. Brothers say that it is our emotions, but emotions are normal, it is our nature, from Allah, right? So why is it our fauly that we feel the way we feel? I don't know...
But yes, your iman is the most important thing, and I have told myself the same exact thing, no-one will be next to me when I stand before Allah and just because someone did wrong first would not excuse my wrong in return. Good advice to yourself - inshaAllah I hope you are able to pull through.
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