I feel so depressed! What is wrong with me? It's been two and a half years already and wallahi I thought I was over it. I thought I had gotten to a stage where I was accepting of the whole situation. I thought I was ok, but I'm not and everyday I get worse.I know shaytan is winning over me. I am ashamed to say it, but it's the truth. I feel so far away from Allah right now and I know that this has a lot to do with the feelings I have and the situation that I am in. I am not the same person that I was. My eman is so low and I am deathly afraid that I will not come out of this. I keep thinking of a black spot growing on my heart so much so that I completely go astray.
Wallahi I am writing this and thinking how PATHETIC I am. No man and I mean NO MAN is worth me losing my akhira. How have I allowed shaytan to misguide me this much? I feel so bad I want to cry. How did I get into this? This is a great fitnah for me. What if I do not pass it? I have everything to be thankful for and yet I am still worrying about the things that do not matter. I wasn't like this. I don't know when it all started to change.
I keep wishing that my husband would go back to practicing the deen the way he used to, but the truth is that I am not practicing it as I used to as well. Maybe this is supposed to be my chance to put my life back into perspective. We all stray, but the point is to get back on track and keep going and keep growing. I honestly am at loss. I do not know what I want anymore and I do not know how to redirect myself.
Very recently I went to the Imam of my masjid and asked him to grant me a khula. I don't even know if it is what I want or not. I am so confused. Every time I try to be good and patient.....my husband does something totally stupid and then I go back to square one thinking "To hell with it all and to hell with him." Isn't that horrible? I know it is from shaytan, but I do not know how to calm myself anymore. My patience has worn thin. I keep thinking to myself....."why do I have to be the patient one?" "Why do I have to put all the effort?" "Why do I have to let things go?" Why do I have to calm down?" WHY? WHY? WHY? Why the hell can't he be the patient one who puts the effort, calms down and lets things go? Why are we women asked to sacrifice and the men no matter what they do are considered not to be sinning? I am sick and tired of this.
These are my thoughts. I think I am going to drive myself crazy, but then I remember why. I am going to be accountable for my actions. I am going to answer to Allah alone and NO ONE will be there beside me. I will not be able to blame my husband or shaytan. I alone control my actions and I alone will be accounted for them. If I could just keep this thought in my head when I am angry then maybe I could do better, but usually it doesn't last long.
I don't really want to find a third wife for my husband. My main reason for doing it would not be for help. Allah is the one I should be relying on for help. I am not a freakin victim and I have to stop letting shaytan make me think of myself in that light. I AM NOT A VICTIM. I am capable of doing what I do and more, but if I face hardship then I have to turn to the only one who can give me ease. My husband cannot give me ease. Lisa cannot give me easy. A third wife cannot give me ease. Only the one who created me can give me ease. My intention to find him a third would mainly be an act of revenge, but as you all have pointed out.....it could backfire and it would not benefit my kids much. My girls need a dad. They do not need another mom. I actually believe that it would backfire because my intentions are not pure. Anything done with impure intentions will end up with a negative backlash.
Sorry I am babbling, but writing this is actually helping me a lot. I have to win Allah's love, not the love of my husband. I have to beg Allah to forgive me and beg him for strength to overcome this trial. Life is too short to live it worrying about the things that are not in my hands. I am wasting my life and I am missing the good out of my children's' lives. Not to insult my husband, but they deserve my attention....not him. They deserve my love....not him. They deserve my appreciation.....not him. They deserve stability and comfort.....not him. They deserve to have me.....not him.