Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I'm Back!!!

As salamu alikum to anyone who has been reading my blog. I know it's been a long time since I've written, but finally after 8 months of being mute I decided to come back and share my thoughts. Instead of speaking of specific incidents that occur in my life I will try to just talk in general based on my views, my opinions and my experiences. As many of you know I decided to stop writing because of my guilty conscious. Although I felt I had every right to speak about my life and how I feel about being in a polygynous marriage, I realized that I wasn't only writing about myself ; I was depicting my husband and my co-wife the way that I felt they looked, behaved and thought but that it was all based on my view. It is not fair to them that I speak about them when they do not have the chance to express their view of what happened. Anyways everyone now knows that my blog is based on my own personal thoughts and my own personal feelings of the events that occurred. My husband is not an oppressive monster and my co-wife is not a lousy home-wrecker. lol. Ok now that that is clear. Let me just catch you up without going into too much detail. My hubby and I didn't divorce (surprise, surprise!!!). My co-wife and I are no longer friends. It first started as an order from my husband to save him the headache and then she just felt that it was easier for her us not being close friends and that she had less arguments with him in the time we were not allowed to speak. So it's been almost a year and a half since we hung out regularly. Alhamdulillah that too took adjusting , but I came to finally realize that life is all about adjustments.....Nothing will ever EVER stay the same and that you will drive yourself insane if you try to make it stay that way. Alhamdulillah Allah (swt) has given humans the ability to forget, the ability to heal, the ability to cope and the ability to adjust. The girls and I are doing great alhamdulillah. They are growing and getting even more beautiful and unique masha Allah. If you last remember I have five daughters. The eldest is almost 10 insha Allah, the second is 8, the third is almost 5 masha Allah, the fourth is 3 1/2 and the youngest is a year and a half old. They are all as different as can be; they each come with a challenge, but Alhamdulillah for all of them. Something new: I got my child development associates credentials. This year I have been working full-time at the Islamic school my girls attend. It's been nice because I get to pay for their tuition and I get a little pocket money on the side. I moved to a place I love and got to re-decorate it the way I love. I saved a little money and bought new furniture.....That was really nice. Alhamdulillah I can say I am happy. Working has allowed me to stay busy and focus on things other than my husband having another wife. I wish I had more time for worship, but that is also a weakness in my iman. My husband and I are better alhamdulillah and masha Allah we are expecting baby #6. Surprise surprise!!!

27 comments:

srinivas said...

i thank you for reconsidering to come back,on the co-bloggers request.

I would only pray with the almighty for your and your family's ever welfare

gurudEva dayaa karo deena jane

Yosra said...

Asalamu Alaykom!

Ahalan wa Sahalan, Vena, my darling sister!

I hoped inshahallah to hear from you again. Alhumdulillah for prayers answered.

Alhumdulillah you did not divorce. Alhumdulillah you took a break from blogging and got some perspective. Alhumdulillah you got more schooling and have been working and carving out your own life. Alhumdulillah for girls who are growing and glowing. Alhumdulillah for your happiness at a new baby.

I am glad that you and your co-wife are no longer friends. I'm all for friendship, but (if you remember) I kept telling you to redefine her. This is the truth: she is your co-wife and that relationship covers any previous other relationship.

Yes, we cannot keep going the same way again and again in order to move ahead. We become like animals wearing a path in our cages. No, we must adapt--this truly is survival of the fittest.

Kisses and hugs to you! I am so happy to get this update! You have remained in my thoughts and prayers. I truly love you for the sake of Allah :)

3rd... said...

awwwhhh.. congrats!!! Nice to hear from you, welcome back.. I got you on RSS feed and what a wonderful surprise to see that you posted again.

Hope to read updates from u more often. :)

Alma said...

Congratulations! I'll pray it's a boy for you. I am happy that you are back and that you are still with your husband. You inspire me.

RuhguZar said...

Welcome back!

Jessie said...

Salaam
I have recently come across your blog... so I didnt miss it that much, but I'm just as happy as all your other followers that you are back!
You go Girl!!!

Tahseen said...

Salaam;
Alhamd Im so glad ur well and Congratulations!

P.s: I can honestly say; I've really missed you

Um Zakarya said...

Assalamu aleykum,

I've always been a faithful reader and I'm so glad to see everything is now good in your life.
Alhamdulillah.InshAllah I'll remember you in my duas.

Um Zakarya said...

Assalamu aleykum,

I've always been a faithful reader Alhamdulillah I'm so glad to see everything is now good in your life.

I'll remember you in my Duas InshAllah

ToBeDetermined said...

As Salaam Alaykum Vena

I am so glad you are back and healthy and happier. Congrats on the pregnancy!!! May Allah(swt) give you more perseverance.

ps...my first post somehow got stuck in blogger's system so this may be a repost

minty said...

salam sis.. good to see you back.. masha'Allah... looking forward to your new posts..

from another sister in a poly situation..

regards minty

Zahra said...

Welcome back Vena! I think there are lots of readers who have been waiting for you. I know I'm really happy to get to read new postings from you. All the best for you and your family.

Mrs. S said...

I also have recently come across your blog. I'm glad to hear that everything is going well for you and your family. Hoory for being back. I can't wait to read further updates. Mabrook on the soon to be new addition to your family!

Anonymous said...

Awww I'm so glad ur back..I was a regular reader of your blog and always wondered what happened of your story. Alhamdulillah, I'm really very glad that you're happy mash'Allah, may Allah SWT bless you and your family and may He make your children the coolness of your eyes.

Lots of love

OmAbdurRahman said...

Assalamu Alaikum dearest Sister:
MashAllah for your decision to modify the kind of blog this is. I think it will be beneficial to both you and your readers this way. May Allah reward you and guide you and give you peace and happiness......Salams, Om AbdurRahman

gaby said...

As salamu Alikum
Wow, mashAllah vena, I am so glad you are doing much, much better. I haven't seen you in so long though. Soon inshAllah. I wanted to thank you for posting one thing that I have always sruggled with and that is about life always changing. For some reason I always expect things to remain the same and it is one of my greatest challenges to understand that life is ever evolving. I like what you said about it, I now have a different prespective-JazakuAllahu Kharan. May Allah give you stregth and wisdom to carry through. Wa alikum Salam.-Um Abdullah

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you decided to stay in this situation, I had so much hope that you were smarter than this and would have left him and now your bringing another child into this mess....God forgive me but this is a horrible situation

angienader said...

wow..i found ur blog by browsing..i always love to read about others lives...
ive never known anyone close to me in a polygamous relationship...
i read your story from begening to now...i have to say you are one tough woman! i wish you many blessings in life, and hope that you continue to blog about your situation.
yes i dont understand why you would agree to such a situation. but i respect your belifes, and appreciate your honesty in sharing your life. i'm sure there are others in your situation who get strength from reading your blog. jelousy is a natural human instinct, and even though you go back and forth on your emotions.....women everywhere can relate. when true emotions are involved, everyone gets a loopy..loool
bless you...and your family!

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you sis for all that you have gone through. Alhamdulillah you and your hubby didnt divorce but I wish you'd have held off on having any more babies. I feel you needed more time between you two.But since its already happened, congrats!All the best!

UmmUmarNY said...

SubhanaAllah!!! a friend suggested I read your blog... since I will, InshaAllah, too become a 1st wife and copping has been very difficult. This is the first post I read on your blog. I know I will have tons of questions... so please let me know if asking becomes an inconvenience!! I once was ready to become someone's second wife... and didn't see any trouble in it. Now I'm on the other side of the coin... and it is so much more difficult!!! I've put my trust in Allah, and I want to do whatever is Best for my husband's and my Aakhirah!!! ...I guess I just need time to 'ease into it'...
In any case, I'm glad to meet you, and I'm glad you are back and I hope I could benefit from your wisdom. JazakaAllah Khair!

Safa said...

Happy to see you back writing....I'm happy you made decisions and choices that helped you gain perspective....it's all about you....

(and not about others who like to point out, "I told you so".....)

You are an inspiration...

mena said...

I am also glad you are ok sister, and am happy for you that you did not get a divorce as hard as it was back then. I don't think you should be be offended (not saying you are) if any of your readers remind you of their previous advise given on this blog, and how it would have made a difference. We are all sisters and want or should want the best for each other. I want to admit to you that after your last few posts before you decided to take a break from blogging, I was really mad at you, yes I was mad at you for destroying your own marriage (because I really thought you were going to leave).Its good to try to be good friends with ones co-wive in some cases, but in others one needs to keep a healthy distance to avoid unnecessary fitna. Alhamdulillah that you were able to see that not being close to each other is one of the things you need to make your own marriage good (or at least, liveable). May Allah continue to keep your family together, and give you the best in this world and the next.

Bint Ethel said...

as-salamu alaikum
Ramadan Mubarak!
Mabrook on the baby, and I'm glad your back :)

MariamH said...

I'm glad to see you back online.. i've been following your blog for quite a while now and always find you incredibly inspirational and strong.

I pray Allah continues to give you strength and motivation.. and look forward to reading more on your thoughts :)

UmmRania said...

Salamu Alaikum
I was reading another poly blog today, and was reminded of you and your blog, its been so long since I was here I had to google it, but alhamdullilah I did. I am happy for you sister. I am happy for your children to still have a mother and father who love them and each other together. May Allah bless your marriage and make it long and happy and may you be rewarded for your patience.

Mabrook on the pregnancy!

Ramadan Mubarak

Anonymous said...

Boy or girlllllll? Another girl? Tell us what you are having? Btw is your co-wife going to have a baby ever? Or is that none of your (or our) business?

Ana said...

As Salaamu Alaikum, Vena

I truly think it is for the best that you and your co-wife (I don't like that word) aren’t close friends anymore. I could see how being friends would provoke a lot of dissension in the marriages, and cause problems for your husband. We women by nature are competitive when it comes to our rivals and your co is just that-a rival, as much as we may like it to be otherwise. In the back of our minds we're always comparing are appearances, our material wealth, etc. We can't help sometimes but to bring what we see to our husbands' attention, even if only when we are angry. I'm not saying it's a good thing to be rivals and competitive, perhaps it's blameworthy at best since we should only compete for righteousness. I'm not as righteous as I'd like to be so forgive me if I've said anything misleading.

I'm going to add you to my list of blog friendly friends, as you are my inspiration, my mentor so to speak. Perhaps there is a way you could have your link appear when you visit me at my home, as well.

I luv you for the sake of Allah.

Ana