Monday, September 14, 2009

New perspectives

Alhamdulillah things are going good right now. Ramadan has been super busy. Unfortunately I have only been able to fast 8 days this Ramadan, but alhamdulilah it's better than nothing. Pregnancy is going well masha Allah and I was told that insha Allah I am having another girl. lol. Yes that makes 6. We will have another ultrasound done on Sept.28th insha Allah so I will keep all of you posted.

I do admit that I have been extremely overwhelmed lately with the responsibility of the children and nearly had several nervous breakdowns. I want to be great mom to my kids but feel as if I have let them down. The past couple of years my focus had been shifted to the polygamy issue that I neglected my children's' emotional needs. I realize now that they are my calling. It is my duty to raise them to be pious muslimahs with or without the help of my husband. Alhamdulillah I have been blessed with beautiful children, a wonderful family, and great friends who help me survive.

My husband tries his best masha Allah and I just learned to accept him for who he is and how he is no matter what my expectations are. As long as he is making an effort then that is all that matters. I love him and I am willing to invest to make it work isha Allah. I believe my family is worth it even if I have to self sacrifice. Isn't that what life is about? My focus now is getting my family life back on track. Admitting my faults and trying to correct them even if it seems difficult to do. I've accepted that this is my life. This is Allah's will for me and who am I to defy it? I can't and I won't.

I really recommend to all the women who are reading my blog to go and buy the book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It is helping me a lot and everything she says is so true. I only finished the first chapter, but I really have gained a new perspective on my role in the contribution to the state my marriage is in and what it will take to fix it. Please please please go out and read it. You will love it as I am loving it. And please comment on my page and let me know what you think of the book. I will also try to be better at posting. And by the way I do read all the comments even if I do not reply to them so jazakum Allahu Khairan for your input and encouragement!!!<strong>strong>

20 comments:

wgaw said...

i'm not keen on dr. laura, occaisonally i'll spit blood after hearing her radio show, but if it works for you then that's good.

Kauther said...

My Dear Sister in Islam,
First time I read your blog, I slept at 4am and cried all the way through it. I admire you that you have decided to stay in this marriage despite your feelings about polygamy. I know I would never be able to do it, no matter how much I love my husband. As far as I know, Fatimah the daughter of the Prophet (saws) didn't accept her husband to marry a second wife and the Prophet (saws) told her that it's her right and if she doesn't accept it she can ask for divorce. I believe this happened to show us an example that even a very pious religious Muslima has the right not to accept this for herself without feeling that she has done something wrong. This proves to me that there is no obligation to accept our husband's choice to marry a second wife, but if it's your choice to remain in the marriage for the sake of Allah then it's fine.
I pray Allah gives you strength and iman. I hope you are happy my dear sister in Islam, I feel for you and truly think about you. I wouldn't like to influence you in one or the other way, as this has to be your choice, but personally I know that polygamy would totally break me and I wouldn't be able to accept my husband going to another woman every second day and giving me 'half of his life' while I was giving him full.
I am looking forward to your posts and pray for you and your children. You shouldn't feel bad about posting your felings and what is happening in your life and certainly nobody should make you feel that writing here (which naturally involes other people in your life) is something wrong. We all know this is your view and you don't need to feel bad that others don't have a chance to show their 'side of the story'. This is not a courtroom!!! This is your diary and your feelings.
I wish I could be there for you to support you and stand by you in difficult moments, if you wish you can email me anytime.
Love you for the sake of Allah.

Kauther said...

I just posted a comment and said you could email me if you ever felt like. So here is my email: nefertete123@yahoo.co.uk. Please do not post it, as this is just to give u my email. Salaam.

lostniqabi said...

SalamAlaykoom Vena,

It is great that you have this new positive outlook on your marriage,kids, and life in general. There is a great lecture series by Suhaib Webb called The Mothers of the Believers which discusses the Wives of the Prophet and their relationship and dealing with the Prophet ASWS. This might also help your new perspective along with Dr. Laura but with an Islamic point of view.

Umm Tamim

zainab said...

Salaam
i stumbled across your blog yesterday and i read EVERY SINGLE POST!!!^_^..i must admit that i admire you alot for your ability to still stay in the marriage. i always fear that one day if im ever lucky enough to be married that my husband will,if he decides to marry again, give me time to digest it. but the thing that irks me about husbands taking second, third and fourth wives is that most of the time its for their benefit, and most of the time it *just happens* to be young, attractive women they marry and not the struggling single mothers..i must say that now that ive started taking notice of polygamy it has been very emotional for me in a sense that i now see that there are women and men who just dont care about the 1st wifes feelings because it is very hard for the first wife to adjust after having a particular lifestyle for a certain amount of years. i read that your husband took a second wife without you knowing about it and the exact same thing happened with my uncle(who has 6 kids) and its sad because the wife is always jittery and the kids lost all respect forhim and he stand back like an,excuse me, IDIOT!! and wonders where it all went wrong...i read an interesting article somethere the other day and it said that you should not be sad over something that happens to you that you do not wish for, because the unjustice done to you is nothing new to the world. i also think about how second wives must feel, do they feel good that they were ableto marry a married man or do they regret what they did?..i heard about a man the other day who at 56 years old took a second wife behind his wifes back and when she found out she had breakdowns after breakdowns and in the end they divorced..he now will not be remembered as the good imaam but as a dishonest husband and a poor role model to his sons and i think that what you do in your life epsecially in old age will determin how people will regard you,i mean how much respect can one have for such a man.alhamdu lillaah i have been blessed to have parents who accept eachother as they are and an honest father who loves my mother dearly!;) and i would never look at him in the same(high)regard if he were to do something like that to her. i read an online comment about a second wife who had proposed to a married man and he told his 1st wife hours before that he was marrying and when she found out she drank a whole bottle of pills and in the end they too divorced and this second wife was saying that she never expected the 1st wife to ask for a divorce and the thing that upset me the most about this was that you cannot look at things only from your angle and assume that the 1st wife will *survive*, and thats why i admire you for not losing your cool-most of the time, and hanging in there!! if my hubby one day were to take a second wife i hope i would be able to stick it out if not formy love for them then maybe just to not give her the satisfaction of being his only and only.i doubt that i will ever marry as a second wife, i would never be able to do that to a woman,i am by nature a very sensitive insecure person and it bothers me that womaen only think about theirhappiness and not the mental wellbeing of the first wife!! but inshaa Allah this is only dunya and men of today are not the most handsome or the most pious so there is no reason to lose your imaan over men who want second wives even if it is for their own desires!!^_^

i make du'aa that Allah gives you the best fullfilled mariiage and that He places contentment in your heart and gives your husband a great love and appreciation for you so that the both of you will be united in Jannah inshaa Allah

Anonymous said...

Assalamu `alaykum sister,
I am very happy to hear that you're trying to do your best with what you have... alhamdulillah for that.

I do think however that it's obvious that if a person has 6 kids, they need a father figure present all the time, not half the time. Because if not inevitably the kids will suffer and be neglected. I do understand that this is not something you can control, but at least I really do hope that you think about this before having another child.

I know quite a bit of sons and daughters of polygamy and unfortunately they end up being scarred for life.

So insha'Allah try to do your best, and pray that they turn out the best they can.

mena said...

I like this post and this kind of thinking and its what has been keeping most marriages that I know together and maybe happy. Whenever I face an issue in my marriage, I ask myself how it would be if I did not have a husband at all or if I had an abusive one, would I lose myself and not give my kids my best? It is not wise or productive to allow a problem to lead to another one. May Allah bless your family and ease your life. Mabrook on your next daughter, I can imagine how colourful your house must be because my mum also had 6 girls, maa sha Allah.

Browngurl said...

Salam V good to hear that you are moving forward looking towards the future! I wish you much success :D

Burgundy said...

im glad yur being mature about your situation. i think it wouldnt be too smart to split with 6 kids. your situation may or may not be 'bad' now but it sure could get 'worse'.

on the other hand u dont want to live a life because u were afraid to live a different life.

anyway i support your decision.

here is one thing i do want to say and that is that having a lot of kids is very hard work. in your situation doubly hard i believe cuz its sort of just you.

islamically im not sure about the stance on this.

and this is my question: is it prudent for you to keep having children with a man you can't count on a 100% to be there at all times, given that he has another wife as well. and given that you are already overwhelmed with your responsibility towards so many children.

by the way, do you homeschool them or islamic school?

i remember a sister from one of the communities i used to attend. it was really sad. i could tell things looked ok on the outside but inside they werent. her 10-13 year old was like fake praying from what i culd tell. her 3 year old was like dishelved, hungry i think. just hanging around the masjid half the time. it was really really sad.

Umm Yehiya said...

SubhanAllah!!!
I am so happy for you. MashaAllah. You probably don't remember me but I remember you. :) I was a reader back when the blog was going strong. Myself, I checked out of the blogging world about a year and a half ago, and now I rarely check back - but this is one of those rare days. :)
Honey, I am truly so happy and relieved to hear the new tone, direction and ideas that you have.
You know what's funny, SOMEHOW (can't remember how) my attention was brought to the very book you mentioned, quite recently (it might have been yesterday....lol). I was thinking about reading it. Because men certainly are very different creatures, so say the least. It really takes a lot of work to make things work - in some cases.
I used to look at some marriages and think, why is it so easy for them? Did they just get the "right" marriage? Are they better?
I've thought a lot about this.
And logical reasoning aside, I've progressed to FEELING/knowing that every marriage is different. Some are meant to be easy. Some are not easy and take more work. And that is okay. That's just life, and qadr. If the man is a good man, a good muslim, and still have things weaknesses, well, those are things that CAN be worked with (we all have weaknesses & flaws, after all), and if not changed, then forgiven. It takes a huge amount of patience to forgive somebody - and of course every situation is different, but in some cases that is the best thing. And always inshaAllah there is reward and merit in patience. Having a huge capacity for patience is just *that* much a character-builder for ourselves. Something to nurture every day, if need be.
And look at it this way, too: the circumstances of this man, this marriage, may be your trial in life. Allah asks us if we think we will not be tested. We will. Those that believe will be tested. And I say to myself, if over-coming certain things and gaining patience and finding a way to make things work peacefully is my trial, ALHAMDULILEH. Because some people have MUCH worse trials - subhanAllah - and Allah does not give us more than we can handle.
Okay, sorry for writing a book...I could go on, but I have to get back to Life! :) I'm feeling chatty today! lol
Salaamu alaikum sister. May Allah bless and reward you & your family. Ameen.

Anonymous said...

Why do you have to have a baby when you make up with your husband? Why don't you use protection? You don't have a stable marriage but you are bringing so many innocent souls in this hell. Have you ever wondered about their well being? They will have no self respect and let men take advantage of them throughout their lives.

I wish you put your beautiful child for adoption so that she can have a better life.

Ana said...

As Salaamu Alaikum, Vena

I am so happy you didn't divorce, and happy to hear you have five beautiful daughters and one on the way. Allah will always provide for you and your children; always remember that.

The grass always looks greener on the other side, but it is not. That’s the reality of it. Don’t think the life your husband has with Lisa is bliss. Whatever you’re going through, she’s going through a thing as well.

Although your husband is with you half the time, you're still with the man you love, the father of your children. What is even better is that you are a first wife, as I am. I can't see us giving up that position, and turning it over to a second or any subsequent wife.

There aren’t very many women that can handle polygamy. It is a tough road to travel. We’ve had obstacles along the way, but we’re making it. We are special and we're going to complete the journey and be successful with the help of Allah.

With luv,
Ana

Anonymous said...

Oh dear this is the best bloge ever really .
sister i just want to say that i am really proud of you as my muslim sister u dealt with things very well and and u made it praise is all due to allah for that.
your story made me cry smill and admire the women that u are i feel like i know u coz i know all i need to know i know that u are a good muslimah masha allah and u have a golden heart masha allah
i ask allah to reword u for all your good deeds aamiin
i love u for the sake of allah
your sister [ ramla absmi [ uk ]

Ana said...

As Salaamu Alaikum, Vena

I was just thinking about you. The other day I read your post about how you found out your husband married your "friend". I put friend in quotations, as I don't know if a true friend would have done what she did. I totally could imagine the pain and heartache you felt. To take her into your home and nurture and comfort her and then have her marry your husband behind your back was a terrible thing to do.

When she said she wasn't going to speak with you about her personal life with your/her husband,I know you must have felt alienated and betrayed. I'm sure you had shared some personal thing with her about your husband before she decided to make a personal life with him. Of course, I'm just assuming.

Wouldn't it have been nice and easier to accept had your husband come to you and discussed whether he should marry her or not to ease her distress? But, life isn't that easy for most of us; is it? I know from firsthand experience with polygamy, as well, that it’s not.

Now you must put that behind you, as much as you can and I have to do the same with my situation. It’s not easy, but like you said, we’ve got past the “sting” now we must put our full focus on getting closer to Allah and we'll be OK. Enjoy your beautiful children!

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Ana

Anonymous said...

assalmualaykum sister
i too have been reading your blog, for quite a while... and i want to thank you soo much for sharing this with us.
Please dont feel bad aboout writing here, because its things like tis that helps young girls like me with the future. I like to be aware of all the problems that can happen, so that we can together prepare.
I feel for you, as it must have been tough to get to the place where you are now with your emotions. I am happy, as long as you are happy sister, and i hope everything works out fine for you and your kids in the future.
xxxx
p.s. also keep us updated about your new baby.

Madeeha said...

Assalamu alaikum sister, in the span of two days, I read all your posts... I really have no other words except subhanAllaah!
I actually have very little in common with you, so it's not like I can even understand a little bit of what it must feel like to be u- I am an unmarried Muslim girl and I am from Bangladesh, you probably don't even know where that is! Well it's in the Indian subcontinent =D and over here in India / Pakistan / Bangladesh, polygyny is not common at all, and I have never really given much thought about this part of our deen ever.. and I just happened to come across ur blog completely randomly... I have learnt a LOT from you, and mashaAllaah I congratulate you - inshaAllaah by now you have 6 beautiful daughters.. that is amazing, mashaAllaah. Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala has blessed you sister, and I read about all your struggles, and honestly, mashaAllaah, the way you have handled everything so far is great, mashaAllaah.
I don't even know you personally, and I feel somehow like I know you really well... you write so well, mashaAllaah.. you make people feel like you are someone very close, an old friend =)
As I was reading your blog, honestly I felt like I would really love to know you personally.. =)
I hope you don't mind me commenting about your personal life, it's just that I would have understood perfectly, had you been more irrational, or had you chosen to go some other way with things - u know like if u had chosen a different life for u and ur daughters. My respect to u sister, mashaAllaah, honestly. I have a lot to learn from you, you have a lot of patience mashaAllaah.
I hope I didn't offend u in any way through my comment inshaAllaah.
May Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless you and your family always, ameen.

Anonymous said...

Assalamu Alaikum,
Don't really know what to say or what to do sometimes. I am a first wife. Everyday I cry and have fear that I am not srong enough to accept the fact that my husband has married a second woman. Many nights the evil plays hard in my mind. I do not want to lose my family. I know that Allah SWT will never give his believers something that is harmfull. Just the thoughts
at times is so hard for me to handle. I try to always place Allah first to help me with rising my children the right way. Being a human being and contolling my thoughts is very diffcult. Even my husband gives me plenty of reassurance but to place these reassrances in my heart is hard. This is the first time I wrote down these thoughts. And anyone who reads this will agree that all of this is a test from ALLAH SWT. I that I am not pasting the test. I don't know what to gain from this. All I know is I need to share my feelings with others that are going through the same thing. I feel that I am not a bad person just a jealous one. Inshallah my ALLAH SWT help me and all others to overcome and become strong.
At times with me I don't want to even hear her name. I try to pretend that it is not true. With this it helps me to at least get through the day. Trying to stay focus for my kids. Time is the key inshallah. May I in the end become the person that can be that friend that I hear that some become.
I don't know.
May ALLAH SWT bless.
Assalam Alaikum
Sbsbright

ummufatmah said...

assalaamu alaikum vena

i revisited your blog today and read some of the archives. You've been through a lot of turmoil, but with Allah's help you've come through it with your iman intact. I would love to know how you're doing now. Inshaallah all is well with you and your family. I'm a first wife too, so I can relate to a lot of what you've written. Feel free to e-mail me if you wish and have time. May Allah keep you strong.

rialive said...

Salams.

I have not married yet. But I saw may example of wreck polygamous marriage, I also see ONE (yes, ONE) amazingly polygamous household.
But the man (as we saw on TV), is pious, very rich. And the woman is a serious daee as well, they are very nationally exposed.

But for many stupid poor and not so pious man who decided to marry more than one woman for a reason : to save the neglected woman, i can only say..
What is more important?? To save her or to marry her?

If it is very important to save her, find a single man, make sadaqah for the mehr (dowry), and live your life with your depressed 1st wife and your 7 children.

You want to be a saviour? be a jesus, and make your own religion for god's sake!
Poligamy is an abuse used by irresponsible man. But it is a blessing for a sensible man with a wife with a highly degree of iman.

Hmmm, i think i'll make a post out of this LOL

HUGS!

Anonymous said...

Hi, there. I'm working on a TV series for the Discovery Fit & Health network called, "I'm Pregnant And..." We're searching for women who are currently 5-8 month pregnant and in a plural marriage. If you're pregnant and interested in having a phone conversation with me, you can e-mail me at TVcastingIPA@gmail.com. Thank you!