Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Ok so it's time for me to catch up on some posts. Here is my post with the do's and don't for the wives in a polygamous marriage.

Do's and Dont's for the wives......

1. Try not to compare yourself to your co-wife. Remember that every person has their strengths and their weaknesses. This is a trick from Shaytan to make you doubt your worth. Try to defeat your insecurities and BE SECURE IN YOURSELF. Good men love secure women.

2. Do not try to purposely make your co-wife jealous. It will backfire someday. Remember the saying "What goes around, comes around."

3. Do not criticise her to ANYONE.....Especially your husband. It's enough to mention that it's backbiting and therefore haram.

4. Ask your husband to not discuss their marriage to you and do not inquire into their marriage.

5. If for some reason your husband mentions a "possible divorce" from her.....Do not get your hopes up even if they do divorce. There is a lot of time to make up. Don't forget the 3 months iddah and two times they are able to get back together.

6. Never give or ask your co-wife for advice. This is just plain stupid!!!

7. Do not divulge any intimate details about your husband or about yourself. Again very stupid and haram.

8. Do not put your husband down to your co-wife.

9. Never argue with your husband infront of her.

10. Do not call your hubby when it's not your day unless necessary. "Think of how you would like for her to respect your day." If your hubby needs to talk to you then he can leave and call without her knowing.

11. If all of your Islamic rights are met then NEVER ask for a divorce. He may just give it to you and you might not have meant why even go there? (This is my problem) A lot of us threaten without any intention of leaving and this is haram.

12. Try as much as possible not to let your children see you bitter about their relationship because they may start to have negative feelings towards polygamy in general and that is not good. Convert all your negative energy on positive energy for your kids (easier said then done, I know.)

13. Never ask your hubby questions you may not like the answers to. EXAMPLES: Do you love her more than me? Do you think she's prettier? Do you ever think of her when you're with me?

14. Do not imitate your co-wife in anything except in righteousness and piety. That is of course "If" she is pious.

15. Do not snoop in your husband's phone, bag, messages, mail, pockets, etc. You have no business being in them and you may find something you wished you hadn't.

16. Do not listen in on phone conversations he is having with her. Ask him polietly if he can take it in the other room and if he doesn't then you remove yourself from that position and go somewhere else.

17. Do not forget to ask Allah to make the tests easy on you, to take away any destructive jealousy from you heart, and to bless your marriage and anything else you'd like to add. I personally ask Allah (swt) to make me as beloved to my husband as Aisha (ra) and Khadijah (ra) were to the Prophet (saaw). Can you get it any better than that???

18.Never make du3a against them unless you are truly oppressed. I do not believe in making supplications against anyone. I believe the du3a for guidance is more powerful and beneficial. If you make a du3a against someone who does not deserve it then the du3a may come back to you. I never make du3a that Allah breaks their marriage for example because if it is not deserved then my marriage might break up as a result.

19. If you have the chance to be kind to your co-wife then jump on that chance. This is for the ones who have "normal" co-wives. why not gain reward from being kind to your sister in Islam even if she is not responsive? You can't lose here!!!

20. If you have an intolerable co-wife then repeat "Hasbi Allahu wa ni3mal wakeel."

21. If your co-wife has children make sure that your kids have access to one another. Do not punish any children from the marriage.

22. Try your best to be Patient and accept the Qadr of Allah.

23. Enjoy yourself on your days alone and reflect on the advantages of having these extra days. If there are none then, I'm sorry!!! : (

If any of you would like to add on then please feel free to do so. Jazakum Allahu khairan!!!!


Anonymous said...


Excellent! I am still a snoop, but enshahallah I'll be a reformed snoop.

I just posted a comment to Safa about making du'a for her co-wife! So, I agree with that.

Actually, I agree with the whole thing!

Musleema said...

Mashallah, vena. I like the list,I think it would be useful to follow in a lot of area. though, it just seems like the items on your list makes life separate, almost like married but living individually. does that make sense? Also, #11, I think you are basing this on the hadeeth on the woman who ask for divorce without reason for this one? Being unhappy in a marriage for whatever reason is a valid reason for divorce. Remember this deen is complete and gave women rights. As an example, the wife of thabit ibn qays (raa) sought a khula from him over his looks not appeasing her any more and the nabi (saaws) himself granted her freedom. So it is the Muslima who says what is unbearable for her and what she is willing to seek spearation over not anyone esle. and truly only she and Allaahu ta'ala would know this information anyway. also it is very possible, especially today, that a wife's rights are given to her though she cannot or doesnot find benefit for herself in her marriage to her husband who has another wife. Too little time being alloted which for some could lead to fitna or worst haraam, finances, children being disrupted by the situation, ill relationship or harm between the wives, extended family hardships...the list can go on. In light of that, asking for a divorce could become necessary, even it doesn't completely happen. Allahutala aalim.

vena said...

You are right about the asking for a divorce for no reason. But a woman asking for a divorce because her husband took another wife is not a justifiable reason. If the husband is acting according to the Quran and the Sunnah with regards to polygyny and a woman asks for a divorce just because she cannot handle her husband being with another woman then there would be a loooooooot of divorced women and a lot of fatherless children. If the man is transgressing the bounds set by Allah or if you feel yourself unable to live with this man in peace and this may harm your Islam then you must choose the lesser evil and leave. I believe that the hadeeth which you mentioned demonstrates how important it is that attraction be a factor in marriage. If you are not drawn to your husband in any way then you will not have much insentive to be a good wife as Allah (swt) commands. If you absolutly feel that you cannot live with your husband then this is a reason for divorce, but just because your husband upsets you is not. Divorce should be the last resort. And we must not forget to Always make du3a to Allah because He alone can change the state we are in. The hearts are in His control.

Musleema said...

How can you say that it is not a justifiable reason? It may not be a justifiable reason in your case, but for others it diffinately could be? Perhaps this is short sighted thinging that because you are okay with something others will be too. Subhannallah! This can be dangerous wallahi to give a hukm without adilaa. Hukm is based on the ahkaam of Allah and His Messenger (saaws) and I've never seen any aayat or ahadeeth that state polygyny isn't a justifiable reason for divorce. None! On the contrary, there is the hadeeth of fatima (raa) asking the prophet (saaws) to stop Ali (ra) taking another wife. And how did the prophet (saaws) prevent him, by stating, what hurts fatima hurts me. What hurt fatima (ra) was polygyny. That is very clear in the sharh of that hadeeth.

Any sister who is honestly desiring a divorce has the right to seek counsel regarding her situation. If her problem is polygyny, than she has a right to have someone of knowledge hear her and help her decide whether she can have the talaq or khula if it comes to that. This is Islam, subhannallah, not Catholism. The Muslima does not have to suffer in a marriage with a man she no longer desires to be with by default.

And yes dua works. Though many times in this dunya we have to be willing to make actions.. tie your camel and tawwakul Allahu ta'ala

peacefulmuslimah said...

Dear sister Musleema,

I agree with you that inability to accept polygyny is an acceptable reasons for divorce and that is supported by the evidence. The only thing I might differ with is your explanation regarding Fatima. The evidence seem to indicate that the reason our Prophet (saw) rejected Ali's desire to take a second wife had to do with the woman he was interested in. She was the daughter of one who was an enemy to the Muslims and who likely wished to harm the Prophet (saw) himself. Are you saying the only factor was that Fatima didn't want to share her husband?

Salaam Alaikum,

Musleema said...

asalamualaikum PM,

Nope. I didn't say that was the only reason. It is known yes the woman who Ali (ra) wanted to marry wasn't from a family that had good ties with the Muslims, but this is secondary information that the historians point out. Fatima, nor Ali radiyallahoo anhumaa, never actually spoke about that in the hadeeth. With fatima (raa) being so close to her father (saaws) I think and Allah knows best that more than likely that was a part of her problem with that woman. Although, Ali (ra) never questioned her again after that time either so Allah knows best but it seems like it was a combination: not wanting to be in polygyny and then the woman she didn't like.

Safa said...

peek a did I miss this post? Great pointers.

vena said...

My point was only that just because a woman is unhappy with her husband having a second wife doesn't mean she should seek divorce. Most women in polygamous marriages do not like it, but is divorce the correct route to take? When I talk I can only speak from my experience. I was sooooo upset about my husband taking my friend as his wife and wanted to divorce him so bad, but realized that I would be losing a good brother who made a mistake. I kept asking him for a divorce hoping he would leave her for me. This is what I mean to threaten with divorce. I did not intend to divorce him nor did I want him to divorce me, but I said it and kept asking for it which was in this instance haram. This is what I meant. If you read number 11 again I was speking about the women who ask for a divorce with the wrong me!

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Salaam Vena I was just wondering where in Texas you live. You do not have to answer if you do not want to I was just curious. Insha'Allah My husband and I are moving to Houston at the end of this month so I was just wondering.

vena said...

I live in Houston. Subhan Allah!!! We will have to get in touch insha Allah.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

OMG really? Insha'Allah my husband is going to go on Wednesday to look at a house off of 610...I will give you my number if you want it is still a 713 number.....

vena said...

Ok cool insha Allah. So you will probably be close to Almeda masjid. So why next to 610? A friend of mine lives there so I go for her and also I go to halaqas there.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

I dunno cuz we found a house for rent that is relatively cheap and we can Insha'Allah park the truck in the front to. Insha'Allah we will see

Hasnah said...

I think I had brought this point up before.If Fatima didn't want to share her husband then why didn't she object to him having slaves?

vena said...

I believe that in the case of the hadeeth with Fatima (ra) it was only the woman that Ali had suggested to marry. It was not polygyny that she was objecting to.

Musleema said...

It is very clear in the hadeeth and the sharh of that hadeeth that fatima (ra) did indeed object to polygyny. The woman who he wanted to marry was like insult to injury basically. And Hasna I don't think Ali (ra) had slaved while he was married to Fatima (ra).

ummukatheer said...

wa alaikum salaam, another thing I would add is to rememeber to leave what doesn't concern us. I think you mentioned it but just to reinforce. Also its so weird subhaanAllah that half of this stuff we think about, the dh doesn't even think about. They think you are okay with it, and nothing should change in the relationship when they go get another wife, like its just another normal day, whenits clearly not. But over time, with alot of work from the wife, showing her emotions, crying and talking with her dh, and her dh trying to show her that he still loves her, it will make it easier to deal with than it already is inshaAllah.

Safiyyah said...

Subhanallah. I ask Allah to make it easy for you to deal with any difficulties that come your way. Polygamous marriage is a challenge I don't think I'll ever be capable of handling.

Louise said...

Hi, I'm a South African living in Australia and I stumbled upon your blog. I was just wondering, where do you live?