Saturday, September 09, 2006

So here is something that I'm not sure if I ever mentioned before. My husband was previously married before me. When my husband was 24 he married a 23 year old american convert with two girls (hey just like me when I married him). Her daughters were 2 1/2 years old and 8 months old. They were babies and their dad was never involved in their life whatsoever so their dad in their eyes and in mine is my husband. I always considered him their father.....even if he wasn't the best dad he could have been, he is still their father. He is all they know. He loves them as if they were his own masha Allah. He also has two boys from his ex-wife. His girls are now 14 and 16 and the boys are 11 and 12. He was married to her for 12 years. They had good times and very horrible times, but the thing that keeps them linked are these kids.

First let me tell you how I met the lovely bunch of tikes. I married my husband knowing that he was divorced with kids, but that his ex-wife and the kids lived in Egypt because they thought it would be better for the kids to grow up there. Well the original plan was for my husband to go and visit them there, but he and his ex had major problems (not inclined to fill anyone in) and they got divorced (their third one). Anyways his kids and her decided to come back all of a sudden before he and I married, but they lived 70 miles away from us so I never got to see them. My husband had not told them about me because he didn't feel that they would be ready to know anything. So he did the usual leaving the apartment when he would talk to them and so on. Then a month after we got married I found out that I was pregnant (with our first daughter).

Ramadan came the next month and I asked him when he was going to tell his family about me. I think he was tired of hiding me so he said that he will tell them that weekend because he wanted the boys to come and spend the night. Anyways the day he was supposed to bring the boys to stay with him he told his ex-wife and the boys about me. He said he had remarried, but he didn't mention when. He brought the boys and they were nice as can be. They were 9 and 8 at the time and were too young to really care. They loved my girls and we had a good time. His son even wanted to call me mom right away. OH OH!!! He thought it was cool to have a step mom.


Anyways the day after they came over we went to go do laundry and get pizza to take home. We finished the laundry and my husband placed an order of pizzas for me and the boys to take home from next door as we were leaving. We did all of that and started to drive out of the parking lot when my muffler fell to the ground. WHOOOOPS!!! My husband had just left us in his tow truck, but another tow truck driver came right away. I told him that my husband drove a wrecker so he asked me his name and I told him so he said he knows him and that he will call him for me. Well he called him and my husband told him to take me back to the parking lot and he will come right away. He did just that.

My husband came to get us and we drove to the muffler shop of a friend of his. As we were there the boys' mother called. She wanted to talk to her sons and of course to ask them what they thought of me. Well the younger son was talking to her and my husband went back to talk to his friend......BIIIIIIIIIG MISTAKE. While his son is talking to his mom he asks her if she wants to talk to me and just hands me the phone. He did it innocently enough (he was excited). He didn't know any better. I gave her my salam and said that I knew it was awkward to talk to me, but that she had beautiful kids masha Allah. Something along those lines. She says thanks and is very sweet and then she asks me how long we've been married. Well I didn't know what to say because my husband told me that he didn't tell her so I just said maybe a month or so. It had actually been two months. So she starts crying and hyperventilating and it was obvious something was wrong. Then she says....."He only divorced me 2 weeks ago." WTH!!!!! Two weeks????? I was shocked. He swore to me that he was divorced and I even went against my wali's advice about marrying him so soon without confirming that he was divorced. I felt like a complete dumb ass at that point. That what wali's are for. Anyways I didn't think he had a reason to lie to me. I didn't understand why he did. So I told her that I was actually pregnant and we had been together for 2 months. She was rightly upset. She told me lots of things, but was so nice to me. All the while my husband discovered I am on the phone with her and his face was pale. She told me that they had been intimate when he came to her house "to see his sick son". That was a couple of weeks before. I felt sick and lost and shocked.

I got off the phone with her, but before that she and I exchanged numbers. I didn't say a word to him the whole way home. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I was trapped. There was no way I could go back to my mother with the girls and another pregnancy after 2 months of marriage. It was impossible so I decided to stick through it. To this day I am not sure why he lied, but he did and that's over and done with.

Anyways the next day came time to take the boys back home and I insisted on going as well. I went and before we got there she informed the girls of what their dad had done. They were far from pleased. When we got there she invited me to come up and he said no because he had to make it back to break his fast in town. She said she would cook dinner for us, but that he needed to talk to the girls because they were taking it very hard. He said he would call them and left. I was shocked and I told him to turn around and go talk to them. He said they will get over it and what he did by marrying me was not haram. I yelled at him to go back and finally he agreed. When I walked up the stairs with my girls his girls were at the door. They greeted me nicely, but you can tell they were sad and pissed at there father, my husband. Their mom left to the store to go get something to cook and we stayed with the kids. He went to go talk to the girls and they ended up arguing and crying. He was soooooo passive about everything, but I understood how they felt. They also knew it was not my fault because I didn't know a thing. Anyways things calmed down because the attention turned to my kids. They loved my girls. His ex was sooooooo sweet with them masha Allah. She was so nice to all of us as a matter of fact. She made him his favorite dinner and she gave me a gift before I left. We left on a high note alhamdulillah, but we had some hard times along the way.

It took sometime for his kids to open up to me, but when they did we became more like friends. We had good times. I took them almost everywhere with me. I arranged fun outing with their dad and I tried to get him to calm down on them. He had major anger issues at the time. At one point his ex met an Egyptian man online. He lived in Dubai and she went to marry him over one summer while the kids stayed with us and came back to get her things situated to move with the kids. During this time she had to prepare to move she started a job and moved into the apartment literally next door to us. We shared a wall. We used to bang on the wall to get eachother to come over. Yes we had phones, but it was more fun that way. Anyways his kids and I grew close in this time. Me with her kids and her with mine. I guess you could say she was like a co-wife except she didn't sleep with my husband. Aren't those the best kind???? lol. Anyways we had rough days too. We had a blow out fight right before she left, but we made up the night before she was to leave for Dubai with all the kiddos.

Well it's been one and a half years since they moved and they are coming back insha Allah on the 18th of sept. My sis in law is leaving the 19th. My sis in law has never seen her brother's kids or his ex-wife so this will be the first time. She will be leaving the day after, but one day is better than nothing. Insha Allah she will be coming back the beginning of November with her new hubby again. My husband knows that his kids will come at the end of this month, but he doesn't know exactly what day. It was supposed to be a surprise for me too, but I nagged them to death until they told me. I still suspect they may be coming earlier. Who knows, but we'll see.


They will come on my day insha Allah. They still don't like the idea of Lisa. They do not want to see her right away although they met her once or twice before. The boys I'm sure will want to go there because they met her son before and they liked him so they will probably go there to play. I'd rather they come here and bring him here than to go over there. I am jealous over them. I consider them to be like my kids. Seriously. Even their own mother calls them my kids. She loves my kids to death too. She helped me out a lot masha Allah with my little 2 year old when she was a baby. They left when I was pregnant with my last daughter. She will be 11 months insha Allah around the time they get here. They will be sooooo happy insha Allah. My girls miss them a lot. We will have a great time insha Allah. But I know with the whole 2nd wife issue there will be problems. His ex-wife can sometimes be like the third wife because she is looking out for her kids, but that might clash with Lisa. I don't know what will happen, but this time I have to try to stay out of it. We're in for a ride, but I miss them all. I am 26 and I have a total of 8 kids. What a Life????? Masha Allah.....Alhamdulillah!!!!!

8 comments:

peacefulmuslimah said...

LOL!

Dearest Vena, you have so many surprises left I think we can never get bored reading your blog!

I don't know why so many men are "truth challenged". It's the root of so many of their problems and yet a certain type of man never seems to learn that honesty in the first place, is the best policy. It would save them so many headaches.

Anyway, I see a quality in you that is missing from all of us in our blogging group. That is that you -- more than any of us -- really have demonstrated the ability to turn polygyny into a blessing. You have managed to channel your feelings into thriving relationships with your husband's other wives and kids, maash'Allah! And now, I have utter faith that you will be instrumental in helping to ease this next challenging situation that you all will face.

Insha'Allah your husband knows what an amazing woman he is married to and gives all praises due to Allah.

Salaam Alaikum,
PM

vena said...

Jazaki Allah khair that was a very sweet comment, but I am so undeserving of it. I am struggling just as you all are. It is a constant battle, but we can't give up trying. May Allah make it beneficial for all of us!!!

Organic-Muslimah said...

Ahh sis. I must say I agree with PM :)..

But why did you never confront him sis? Lying is something so major especially in divorce/marriage. I am sure you would have accepted him anyways, because he is a good brother, but why the lies?

I guess that's just like asking, why war? Why can't we have peace.

Keep strong. Allah with you habibty :)

Honorary Arab said...

Asalamalaykom,

That is so interesting to read. I am imagining me... in...that... situation...no, I'm not sure how I'd act. But you acted very well. Mashahallah!

Safa said...

subhanAllah....u've been thru much and you are still going strong. I love that about you......I pray I have the same abilities.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

I tagged you on my blog.

mizazeez said...

i also agree with PM. your posts are so refreshing subhanAllah. may Allah reward you sister. oh, and by the way...i posted something new on my blog!!!

Muhammad said...

AsSalamu A'laikum

Giving a guess I can tell you what I best think happened. He went over there to see his kids and her. He hadn't told her about you because in his heart he still loves her and wishes things would have been different (not three talaqs). He sat a little too long and the kids went to sleep and warm feelings and fond memories returned and it happened.

He didn't want to tell you because he was ashamed of what he'd done and didn't want to upset you. Men can't handle an upset woman. Why?? Because you can't fix them and then you are left in that helpless situation and feel bad and unsure of what to do next. So he did what most men do lie or not mention it and hope the situation goes away. It didn't so then he tried to run away by leaving without talking to the girls, but you stopped that and Alhamdulillah you did.

That is my best guess as to what happened. His version will probably be slightly different, but there is no use asking now. There is peace in the house. Just remember plenty of men's first defense at avoiding an upset wife is to fib a little.

I can't fib, I can omit, but not fib my mom squashed that a long time ago. It is a double-edged sword because wives find out stuff that they sometimes really didn't want to know.

I really appreciate your blog. I will tell my wife about your blog so that when we decide on the person that we want as a co-wife we will have a positive Muslim Example of it working. So now I have 1 Muslim example and 1,2,3,4 non-Muslim examples of it working correctly. Hurray for the home team. If you don't mind I will add you to my blog roll. If not just drop me an email. Thanks.

Your relationships are an inspiration. May Allah preserve you in this life and the next.