Thursday, September 07, 2006

Do's and don'ts for men in polygny...... (please feel free to add to my list)

What are some rules that husbands should follow to make a polygamous marriage run smoothly???

For the Men....

1. Never call one wife infront of the other for any reason unless absolutely and I mean absolutely necessary.

2. Do not put love-names for any of your wives on your mobile phone.

3. Lock your cell phone so your wives do not get the urge (shaytan is always whispering) to read your text messages or listen to you voicemail from your other wife.

4. Do not buy groceries or things like that for one wife when you are shopping for the other (if they do not get along).

5. Do not wear any new clothes or obvious items that were gifts from one wife on the day of the other wife.....especially new underwear

6. If one wife gives you a card as a thoughful gesture keep it at her house....Do not leave it in your car, bag, etc. We wives can be sneaky and Shaytan is always whispering.

7. Do not give your wives hikki's in any visible place. This is a no no and must be avoided so as to not cause harm to someone's feelings.

8. Do not discuss your private affairs from one home to the other.

9. Do not compare your wives to other people or to eachother.

10. Do not discuss intimate details about one wife with the other.

11. Always compliment your wife and make her feel special and loved.

12. Do not compliment the other wife to the wife you are speaking to. We take that as you are indirectly insulting us.

13. If your wife is sad, angry or hurt then be patient with her and realize that this is not easy.

14. Spend as much time as you can with your kids. At this time the kids are more important than the wives.

15. This goes without saying.....Be fair and just when it comes to spending and time.

16. Do not force one wife to live with the other wife for any reason unless she is willing.

17. Do not lower the standard of living for either wife.

18. Be honest with your wives when it comes to marriage to other women or pregnancies. Do not hide what's halal

19. Do not tell any wife that you love her more than the other even if you do.

20. Be careful what you say or do infront of the children because they may unknowingly or knowingly say these things to the other family.

21. Do not fight with one wife infront of the other. This is humiliating to the wife being fought with and uncomfortable for the wife witnessing it. Also we do not need to know when there is trouble in the household. We tend to get ours hopes up for a divorce at that point which may not happen and then we will feel disappointment.

If you care to add to this list or argue a point with any of them then please feel free to do so. I will post for the women in the next post insha Allah.

Fi amman Allah


Cairogal said...

Mmm...well, perhaps good guidelines. I believe the Quran outlines the rules best! :)

vena said...

definatly the Quran is number one, but it's usually these little things that trigger our anger and insecurity not the time or the money. My husband masha Allah is just according to the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet (saaw), but it's these little things that side track us. Usually these are the same issues I here from women who are in polygamous relatioships. They are so petty, but they help when avoided. It's just about men using a little wisdom. Most of the times they do things not realizing how it effects us.

peacefulmuslimah said...

I would add:

1. Don't run out on one and go to the other when you have an argument. Stay and work things out like the mature man you thought you were when you decided that polygyny was for you.

2. Refuse to be drawn into any discussion regarding your other wife, no matter how much the one in front of you seems to be comfortable with it. You may be supplying her with ammunition for another time without even intending it.

3. Prepare to give up almost all of your extra-curricular and social activities. After all, a man who wants the benefit of having more than one wofe shouldn't scrimp on all the responsibilities.

4. Expect your responsibilities to quadruple for each extra wife/family you take on. Polygyny is more stressful to all involved and it will be your duty to ease the grief and pain with extra affection and understanding, as well as providing financial security.

5. If you can't afford them, don't take more than one. It is not your wife's duty to fulfill your financial responsibilities so that you can have extra women in your life. And for GOD's sake, don't deny the mother of your children the role assigned by Allah -- raising her children.

Salaam Alaikum,

Our Rewards Await Us said...

Assalaamu alaikum,

I was smiling as I read your list....and saying to myself, "yep...yep...yep..." LOL

vena said...

I love your add ons sister to my you mind if I use them on my yahoo group and another yahoo site I go to???? Please let me know.

peacefulmuslimah said...

Salaam Alaikum sister Vena,

Glad you liked my suggestions & feel free to use them as you like.