Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I need the advice of you fine ladies tonight.... Right now hubby alternates nights between Lisa and I so we both get him every other night; Should I ask them to change it to three days here and three days there and then alternate sundays? Example......Lisa gets: Mon.- Tues.- Wed. Vena gets: Thurs.-Fri.- Sat. and then Lisa gets Sunday (his day off). Then the next week it goes like this..... Vena gets: Mon.- Tues.- Wed. then Lisa gets Thurs.- Fri.-Sat. and then Vena gets Sunday (his day off). Hmmmmmmm. What do you gals think? Or should I just keep it the way it is. What is better for the children???? Please give me your input!!!!

9 comments:

polygamy lover said...

I couldn't go 3 days without hubby. You get more days in a row but you also have to go more days in a row without him. I told hubby we would have to live in 1 house so I could see and talk to him everyday, even if I only got to sleep with him everyother night I need him home everyday. How do you feel about not seeing him 3 whole days?

Safa said...

I was thinking that three days may be too much for you as well. Especially with the kids. I was looking for something I had read on Islamonline...but can't seem to find it. It was a sheikh who advised a man who had two wives...one with all the kids, and the other with none....he said 4 days/3 days. Being....3 days each for the wives and that 4th day being for the kids. The brother should be spending the entire day with the kids.....

But in ur situation....I spose that 2 days, 2 days would be better. The every other night thingy would just be tiring. If you are stuck on ur 3 day split.....maybe you could change it up every two months....where you get the first 3 days of the week and then she gets the last 3 days. That way it'll be fair all around.

Amatullah said...

Subhana Allah I just asked my Dh to consider changing our 3 day switch today!
I wanted to do 2 & 2 weekdays and then 3 for the weekend which rotates every other weekend. Because of the 3 day switch one of us will be seeing him more on the weekends in different months. In this month alone I saw him at the beginning of the month on a Friday 6th but I don't get to see him again on the weekend until the 28 and 29 while she sees him 7 days out of this month on the weekend. sometimes it's like that a couple of months in a row. I think this would be a good idea for my co-wife as well because she works during the weekday and look forward to her weekends but in the next couple of months I will dominate them and I don't like that. He works though out the week and goes to school at night (Mon,Tues, &Wed). So I really look forward to spending time with him on the weekends (so do the kids). Also he drags his feet when getting back to my co-wife's house on the weekend day our shifts changes. So if he is already there on Friday there would be less complaints in that department too Wa Allahu Aliam
The best time We have with him is on the weekends... all of us (Me Kids And Co-wife). So I thought it would be better to see him every other weekend instead of having one of us consistently seeing him on the weekends in a month. This set up worked well with my Girl friend. Tell me what you think in sha Allah.

Honorary Arab said...

Asalamalaykom Vena,

I'm dealing with custody and visitation, etc. and have been for six years. I've also been a teacher and seeing what it does to other children as well.

I can only speak about how it is with the kids...since I don't share a husband...yet and hopefully I never will.

Kids don't deal well with every other day. They deal better with three here and three there. It takes one day just to get into the groove again. I think every other Sunday makes it something to look forward to, as well.

I wouldn't try to make one day be just for the kids. Keep it 3/3 and every other Sunday.

You can plan meals better, do schedules better. Have some sense that this is our life together and this is our life apart. I haven't tried the one and one. It just feels too chaotic to me.

Amira said...

If it were me I think I would rather 3 + 3 and every other Sunday. Like HA I think it would probably take atleast one day to get all the kinks worked out to really be able to enjoy one another. Also then when your DH is gone for three day you can do all the maintenence things that you don't want to do when he is around.. like houshold chores, shopping, errands etc. Thus your time with him will be more quality time becasue you know that you have everything done and you can focus on him and the kids. That being said I have no experience with this sort of thing so I may be way off base... just my opinion.

BTW thanks for visiting my blog. your comment was very sweet

Safa said...

Well there u got it...SURVEY SAYS!! Ur right on the ball.....

Muhammad said...

I don't know I think it would be more efficient to have some sort of central living arrangement. I.E. A very large house so that each wife could have their own "Wing" or a parcel of land with several houses so that each wife could have their own space. Or a duplex or multifamily home, or lastly houses on the same street.

The Prophet used to go around to all of his wives throughout the day on his many rounds of different things (I swear time must have stopped for him to do all of the things he did in a day) So all of his wives saw him everyday and had some of his time. All of his children seemed to have fulltime access to him at all times. In our present day I don't see how this can be accomplished without centralized living arrangements. If he could make short visits throughout the day then it would not be so stressful to do alternating days. If your homes are spread out then things get more problematic and costly. I think that you should centralize your living arrangements as best you can first and then the alternation of days would not be such an issue.

If you must decide on an elongation of time then I would have to say that 3 and 3 is kind of long. 2 and 2 would prolly be more palatable. I think with a separated living arrangement 1.5 would prolly be best. Uggggh Safa has me using that word (prolly). Such is life. I say that 1.5 is better because you wouldn't have to go a whole day without him. You know at least break up that day maybe with a visit or something so like a 1 day for wife 1, 1 day with the kids, 1 day for wife 2 then a family day or something to that effect.

Also for the separation feeling with Lisa I would schedule outings with her. Separation makes it easier to fade to black. I know you all used to do this a couple of posts back I don't know what happened since then. I know that it is hard to be the one who is always trying. I would investigate her feelings, maybe she's feeling some sort of exclusivity with him. I think you might need to get on the same page as to where you all are going as a family, because your lives and destinies are interrelated you should probably (haha free of that word) sit down and map out a family plan.

Let us know how everything goes.

Muslim Flower said...

Salam alaikum sister so this post was a while ago and while I'm reading it I'm wondering what you settled on? I would possibly do the 2 - 2 thing. I want to know what works as I will have to know pretty soon!

Salam alaikum

vena said...

As salamu alikum sister.....I settled on seeing my husband every other day. This way I get to alternate days each week....meaning if she has his sunday (his day off) this week then I get it the next week. It was also the Sunnah that the Prophet (saaw) used to do it a day at a time at each wife's house. Also it is better because then the children will get to see their father everyday. If I was to change it then I would do three and three and then alternate sundays, but three days is too long to be away from him.