Here is another attempt at me getting real with myself. There has never been a time in my life where I doubted myself as much as I have since my husband married Lisa. I do not know who I am anymore. I do not know what I want to be or who I am becoming. I am in total confusion. My mind is in chaos, my life in turmoil, my faith in examination. Anyone who knows me would think I am handling things pretty well, but am I really? I am falling apart. Why? Why does a man define the way I feel about myself? I used to think I had good self-esteem....now I am not so sure. I am weak!!!
My thoughts are many.....but I am going to share two of them that have become repetitive.
Thought#1 : I keep toying with the idea of finding my husband a third wife who would not only be a part of my husband's life, but also a part of mine and my children's' lives. I want my husband to have a wife who cares for us as much as herself. A wife who is not selfish. Is it my right to enforce that???? NO WAY, but I can wish; can't I? I want us to help one another. I want her to give as much as she takes. I want her to think of the families well being as a whole.
I do not believe in the idea that he is one man with two separate marriages. This is bull! Our lives will always be intertwined. It can never truly be separate. My marriage to him effects her life as does her marriage to mine. I am way past the shock of him getting another wife so why not find someone who will be a good friend to me as well? As long as he does it with my knowledge and approval then I can defeat the jealous feelings insha Allah.
I know my husband would consider it. He's toyed at the idea with me. But I know someone who might mind and consideration would be out of the question. lol! I know it may seem mean, but I have to be honest that the thought crosses my mind like this.....Why not kill two birds with one stone? Why not make what went around, come around??? Yes.....PAYBACK! A part of me still wants revenge. Does it still bother me after 2 1/2 years what they did??? HELL YEAH, it bothers me a lot. I know it is Qadr Allah, but it still strikes a soar spot for me. Betrayal, humiliation, deceit. These are not things easily forgotten.
When I am with her and we are friends I tend to forget these feelings completely, but when we do not talk.....my thoughts return to how it happened. Yes I know this is from shaytan.
Anyways! Believe it or not, Lisa recently accused my husband of having similar intentions for a friend of mine. It caused a problem between the two of them and deep down I was so thrilled. She finally feels that threat that I felt so looooong ago. But I was also irked by the fact that she was not as willing to share her husband as she thought I should have been willing to do.
Why was it OK for her to do it to me, but not for it to be done to her????? OOOOOh now I am pissed!!! Well her excuse would be (because we discussed this subject before) that she already doesn't have enough time with him to share more time with another wife. Well you know what I say???? Too Freakin bad; you didn't think of me when you took from my time or my children's time. You cared about yourself and he cared about himself. You didn't care that "TIME" was my main issue of concern with my husband before you even entered into the picture and yet you were so ready to take half of it. She took most of my time. Not only do I have to share with five children, but I have to share with her too....well adding one more to the mix won't make that much difference anymore.
My husband and I are growing further apart so why should I care if the time is even less? Let him get a third (who might actually end up being the second) and at the same time I can benefit from his marriage. Why should they be the only ones to gain? Sounds crazy I know, but hey those are "Thoughts of a first wife." If I do find someone for him I would want her to have kids and she would have to be a selfless person. I would help her as much as she would help me. It would be about sisterhood and family!
Thought #2 : Do I just want to win? Do I want payback and or revenge? Do I really want my husband all to myself? Do I even really want him after all he has put me through? Sometimes I think I just want to prove to her that in the end I will win. I know I wondered in the last posts about his feelings for me, but deep down I know where his heart is. I know it would just take a few days of me being gone before he realizes what I was to him. I know he loves me. People tell me he lusts for her.....whether that is true or not is not what matters. He has it easy over there so he will never give that up as long as I am making it easy for him.
My husband and I have a bond between us that I know he will miss when I am not there. Sometimes I feel the need to leave to open his eyes to what he can lose. My husband is more comfortable with me because I am not as jealous as she is. But this makes him watch himself with her and sometimes over look things with me because he figures I wouldn't make as big of a deal. I mess with him all the time and tell him that he is scared of her. lol. That really irritates him, but that's the point isn't it? Like I said I am just being honest with myself in this post. Even if people do not like what I am saying or how I am thinking.....all that matters is that they are "MY thoughts". Thoughts of a First wife!!!