Saturday, June 21, 2008

I Had Enough!!!

I thought all was well, but I guess not. I refuse to be a doormat!!! I am tired. I just realized that me practicing my faith and building my eman does not require me being married to someone who is not willing to put the same effort in our marriage as I am putting. The sad reality is that he is not even putting a percentage of the effort that I am putting. I am sincerely doubting whether this man really cares as he says he does or not. His actions show quite the opposite.

I think he does not take me seriously about leaving and therefore continues to do whatever it is that he likes. In the end he will be left with his job and Lisa and I hope they make him happy. I am lying!!! I hope it makes him miserable so he can see the blessing that he neglected.

I went to the sheikh again and asked for a divorce. He granted me a separation as a trial to see what happens in the meantime. I am actually surprised by that, but alhamdulillah he seems to sympathize with me and the children. I trust his decision. He wants to give him a reality check. We'll see what happens. He doesn't know what the imam decided because he didn't care enough to ask what we talked about. I am not all about words anymore. I need action and since he won't take any.....I will.


Anonymous said...

assalamo aliekoum
I just posted a comment on yesterdays blog, go read it, im the last one the looong one. I need you to look at one thing: during this trial you need to not just look at the easy things but also the hard ones. I know not having a husband around can be easier, but it can also make like MUCH harder. I will be making Duah for you and your situation.
Assalamo aliekoum

Livin_life_and loving_it said...

I made duaa for you while I was in Madinah and Mekkah. I found myself praying for so many owmen that have had their hearts, lives, souls, and world torn apart becuase of a man. Inshaallah allah will answer the Duaa to give us all peace in our hearts and guide these men away fromt he selfishness in their hearts. Ameen

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Asalaamu alaikum,
Wow I have been away too long. I am not sure exactly what is going on but Insha'Allah Allah will continue to aid you in all that you do. I stopped coming around after I moved mainly because you had stopped posting but I come back and WHAM! Never forget you are wonderful, beautiful and a great Mom....

Browngurl said...

Asalam Alaykum Sister,

I am never going to tell you what to do. Only you know the true gravity of your own situation. From what i gather it seems like you feel this constant betrayal on part of your husband and this woman. You have really going thru the motions -all by yourself- for the last two year. When thinking about your marriage, You need to think of very specific measurable things. 1.What is it that you want (in terms of your relationship with your husband) , 2.why do you want it and 3.what action would you and him have to take to get these things. You can do this sort of exercise for every aspect of your life .

I don't know if you plan to get counseling during this separation, but I really hope that you do. It would be an important process to meet on neutral ground and discuss this whole situation. One thing you might thinking for doing (i am not sure if this is for you) is to sit down and write a long letter expressing every sentiment and reading it out loud to your husband. Ex. When you decided to do XYZ it made be feel XYZ because XYZ or i understand that P is allowed in islam, but the way in which you did XYZ made me feel XYZ. This would give you the necessary room to say everything that has been on your mind and in your heart for the last two years, but it would be done in a non confrontational civilized way that would allow for him to fully hear you and not chalk it up to you being emotional or argumentative.

Everyone deserves to be loved and validated- it is human nature. Yes, we should be patient and have iman, but having faith also involves taking the means. People often want to end relationships because they want the pain or hurt to end. You can't erase the pain of the past, but you can learn the necessary lessons from those situations and move forward. You need to find out if he is willing to be an active partner in real change you want to create within your marriage. Whatever decision you make, do it with a consciousness, a game plan and with the guidance of Allah.

Take care sister!

3rd... said...

dear vena.. its hard to advise since there is always so much more to a relationship than can ever be put into words - your blog gives an idea, but you know the reality of the two of you...

however i got the idea from reading your posts that your husband is a good man, who is obviously failing right now. but if you open up and share your pain, and desperation, i can't imagine he won't hear you...

print out the posts of this blog if you don't know how to put it all in a letter, and give it to him

it shows clearly that you love him, need thim, and desperately want him close to you

i can't imagine him being so cold not to hear your plea and turn towards you

Anonymous said...

just take each day as it comes. Keep your mind open as to what the end result could be. And prepare yourself for the challenge that each day will bring.


3rd... said...

as a comment on your previous post

the devil is so happy when we feel low, inadequate, alone, unable... everything which dripped off the words of your last post
It is him who is putting these thoughts in your head as in that you are weak and letting the devil win every time.. devil himself wants you to feel this way, to feel like a loser

while all we need to do is turn to God and say, we are weak, every moment of the day we are so weak and need of Your support. And so we find strentgh in our weakness through Him being pleased with our humbleness

Don't bother with beating yourself up about your weakness. God loves the weakest of His servants the most. He is the Almighty and it is not His characterisitc to let a servant in need down. Turn to Him He will take care of you like a mother for her newborn.

*C* said...

Didn't you just have a baby? I hope you don't mind my saying so, but I think it's always worth waiting a while before making major desicions after a baby. Women go a little crazy with the horomones for a few months post partum (I know I always do). Even my sister, who just had a baby, is suddeenly talking about divorce!

A seperation is one thing... and maybe a divorce is what you want. But it ceratinly won't hurt anything to wait and see in case you are just having a *very* rough patch.

And regardless of what you decide, I hope you feel better soon. I hooe you will be happy in whatever life you choose.
You do deserve happiness. :)

Anonymous said...


i pray that your husband and u will reconcile back and better soon, insyaAllah. i pray that you will regain your strength in iman to let you pursue happiness.

InsyaAllah. dear sister, please remember that Allah will never let go of those who never let go of Him when they faces dark times and normal times. He will never give up on you if you give up on yourself and Him first.

continue reading the quran and abiding to the sunnah. for Allah. that's how i strengthen my iman when i feel that it is shallowing.

because iman is like a battery. it sways, goes low and high at times. so, even if you are strong at iman now or low at iman, u must have the determination to continue to be better.

Hold strong to that faith even if it's a think string.

Think straight.Focus. don't follow ur heart too much.

Samia said...

all my dua's... may Allah make it easy for you sister.

a person recently recommended me to read the book, 'the alkymist' by paulo coelho.... i didnt think much of it, as i had already once tryed to start reading it, but lost interest... nevertheless did i pick it up again, and somehow, from this simple book, had my iman strengthend... i came to realise the most simple of all, that i too as everyone and everthing else in this world, have a life path of my own... straying from it- is sometimes what makes us sad and in despair... perhaps the book will do you good aswell inshaAllah.

i pray that your children are healthy and well and remain joyfull children in all this emotionel mess..

My sincere wishes for the best solution between you and your husband, whatever the outcome... the best for you and your children and the best for your iman. inshaAllah.

salaam my sister.


PM said...

Dear Vena,

I have a feeling you are getting this "separation" as a sort of ploy to reel your husband back in to being involved in the marriage in the way you would like. If that is the case please consider that he may jump through the hoop you are holding out but you are unlikely to change anything fundamental over the long run unless he gets some help and counseling. This man has poly-blood and now that he has had it, I doubt he will ever be happy not to have it again. He has demonstrated that he is not that exceptional man who can go above and beyond the requirements to meet the needs of multiple wives and children. Only God knows what it will take to change that.

Also, I am tired of hearing all this blame on shaytan/devil. This is your husband doing this stuff and you and Lisa are a part of it. Full stop. I repeat: own it. And I hope you don't let any of us readers "guilt" you into staying or going. It's your life, Vena. I want what will make you happy.

Sorry to be "Debbie Downer" and I really do love you as a sister. I wish and pray for ease for you, Vena.


Organic-Muslimah said...

The shookyh didn't offer your husband a "trial" before he married Lisa. Talk about double standards!

I wish for you all the best. Allah will help you. Remember that!

Anonymous said...

I only want to ask you one question.

Do you think that the Prophet (saws) would ever have treated his wives like this?

Did he ever treat his wives like this?

I realize that none of us can ever compare to the Prophet...but we can all strive to especially when it is something that involves so many complicated emotions...don't you think?

Also the Prophet (saws) once said, "Best man is he who is best to his wife."

Think about it.

Shabana said...

how has your husband responded to the separation? are you living somewhere else right now?

Dee and Elijah Sue said...

We have a candle lit for you and your family.

The Irish say that Fairies and Devils visit new mothers.

*C* is right you just had a baby. It's not the best time to make major life changes.

Take things slow.


Safa said...

I pray that you are being strong.....and that you see the straight path in front of you...

Love to you,