Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Well it seems as if I have sparked some controversy by my last posting. At least this is what it seems after reading some of the comments left for me. I am sooooo happy with all of the many views people have on this subject. Sister HA.... I do not live with my mom. I didn't realize that I had not updated on that particular topic ( moving or not moving). The post you are talking about is when I had contemplated or maybe even decided that I would leave to live closer to my mother because I needed more help. Well I do not know exactly what has happened since then to make me change my mind, but I have indeed changed my mind. I do not think leaving my husband is the solution to all of my problems.....I think leaving him to live by my mother was more of an excuse to run away from my problems. Sometimes I think to myself......Am I in denial? Do I really appreciate the benefits I get from being in a polygamous marriage? Would I prefer to have my husband all to myself once again? The answer is...... I don't really know. All I do know is that I am coping the best way I know how and alhamdulillah it's not all bad. I can honestly say that I do not wake up anymore being consumed by my husband's marriage to Lisa. I can honestly say that I have learned many lessons through this.....good and bad. I can honestly say that I would rather be in denial than be miserable. I have experienced both emotions and I am better where I am now. I am happy with my life as it is. Alhamdulillah for everything!!! I have more blessings than many others. I know people in monogamous marriages who see there husband's less than me, who have more troubles in their marriage than I do and so on and so forth. I have a lot to be thankful for even though my life didn't quite turn out as I pictured it. Do I still feel betrayed?....hmmmmmm I am not sure about that. Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but either way it doesn't change anything. I am not responsible for what my husband does or what lisa does.....I am only responsible for what I do. I am trying to do it the best way I know how and only the future will tell if I am sucessful in polygyny or not. I have my moments as did the wives of the Prophet (saaw). I am weak at times and strong at others and I will continue this cycle till the day I die because this is just how life goes. But one thing is for sure I did not change my view on teaching my kids to at least accept polygyny as an option. I am not saying I want my kids to accept "any" polygynous situation they are put in, but if the man is practicing it according to the Sunnah and upfront and honest then I am all for it. I want them to be as well. Will they too have ups and downs???? You bet they will. They will also have ups and downs in monogamy. All I want is to prepare my kids for whatever they may face and I am trying my best to show them the right behavior when presented with a hardship of this kind. In the end their choices will be their choices....not mine. I just have to do my part. I would be doing my children a dis-service if I were to only present them with the negatives and not the positives.

29 comments:

Honorary Arab said...

Asalamalaykom Vena,

Thank you so much for clearing up a major misunderstanding on my part. Yes, I thought you were at your mom's. That is a very different image than you living with your husband.

I still wouldn't want your life, but then ALHUMDULILLAH I don't have it :) And I bet you wouldn't want mine. :) I'm fine with each of us having our own lives and supporting each other as we can.

The moment I get itchy is when anyone starts cheerleading for others to follow them into their chosen way. Maybe your last post came close to that, which rubbed me the wrong way.

This posting sounds more reasonable, in that you are saying there is an imperfect life you are trying to balance.

I embrace you and the imperfections as long as you can do the same with me.

MY BEST to you and yours :)

Anonymous said...

Assalamualaikum,
how is the 'bun in the oven' going?? :0)

Inshallah, its going good for you.

Any cravings??

walaikumsalam
xx

mizazeez said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mizazeez said...

salaamun 'alaykum ukhti vena. remember that you are only truly accountable to your Lord. be concerned with His being accepting and pleased with your actions and don't mind the nay-sayers.

may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala grant you tawfeeq and guide you to that which is best and will be pleasing to Him. Ameen.

love ya!

Anonymous said...

I have always found that my own denial has only served as a temporary constipation for some major problems that have got to work their way out eventually.

Caminante said...

Assalamu 'alaykum,
Well, it's good to see when people try to make the best out of a situation and I pray that God bless your life and bring you peace.

I hope that your daughters and every other woman will not have to experience what many other women have. I pray that if they live in polygyny is because they chose that out of their free will, with no pressure, nothing imposed, simply because they like that lifestyle.

And for those considering polygyny out there remember....

a) You need to support your family! If you can't support one family, if you're on debt, if you have to borrow money, then you can't take another wife. As simple as that. If you work so many ours that you barely see your wife, and when you see her you're very tired, then you can't take another wife.

b) Your kids need you! You can't go on having kids and then take other wives... those kids will need you, they need a father figure. In addition, those kids need to go to school, to college. Do you know how much it costs to send kids to university? Your kids come before anyone, so if you can't support them and guarantee them a good education, don't take other wives.
I remember recently there was an article on a Saudi paper about a kid who had been at the hospital for 3 days with none of his parents coming because the wife couldn't leave the house (lots of other kids) and the husband was busy with the other wives.

c) You can't lie to your wife... that's not allowed in Islam.. duh! And you need to discuss these things with your wife BEFORE getting married and then RESPECT that, because Muslims are suposed to respect their promises.

d) If you want to be in a polygamous relationship, then go live in a country that allows for it. Muslims are supposed to respect contracts. When you live in a country, you enter into an implicit contract that you will respect the laws of the land. So you have to freaking respect the laws of the land, unless they prevent you from practising a pillar of your religion.
If you don't do this, you embarrass the whole Muslim community of the country and give us all a bad name by not respecting the laws.

e) If you're so into "living the Sunnah", why don't you start with the recommended sunnahs? Fast Mondays and Thursdays, stay up at night praying, do your sunnah prayers on top of your fard prayers every day, etc. Once you've accomplished to do all the recommended sunnahs, then you can consider the other ones, like polygyny.

And for the women out there...

...Don't feel bad for either wanting or not wanting polygyny. It's a choice. Not all of us can be in a polygynous relationship because if not many men would end up with not partner. Make your choice and make sure it's respected. Khadija the first convert to Islam, a mother of the believers, was in a monogamous relationship, Fatima, the daugher of our beloved prophet, was in a monogamous relationship, Zainab, the other daughter of our prophet was in a monogamous relationship. Aisha, on the other hand, was in a polygamous relationship. I'm sure no one is going to claim to be better than any of these women.

Livin_life_and loving_it said...

I am glad to see you back and I loved your other post just as much I i did this one. I understood you and didnt think you were saying live like me or jump on the p ban wagon.....I saw you as just trying to cope and understand this life we live........it is hard ...it is a daily struggle and manytimes we have to look and find things to make us understand why we live this way or what good can come from it. because if we looked at it in many other ways we would only see that the man get befinits from it or that there are no benifits for a woman.......and there like you said that woman needs and wants a husband........it would be a great thing for a woman to be selfless and say here you can share mine...no i am not saying to do that, that takes alot of strength and eman, most of us including myself am not there,,, but i am saying in just one waman did that, if just one woman was strong enough, this woman would be so happy and that would be such a comfort for that sister......that is wanting for a sister what we want for ourselves....

Anonymous said...

spot on Caminante!!

Anonymous said...

u feel like she's sugar coating everything

I didn't care much for polygynous blessings

other sister whose blog came off a bit too pretentious

Thanks to mizazeez for staying positive despite all the negativity towards her

hope said...

Ah I feel like cheering after caminante's comment. You said it all girl.

Safa said...

I have to wonder if Anonymous Friday, 15 June, 2007 .... Is in a P relationship.

I think it's great that Mizazeez has stayed positive as well....but I don't have to say she's a beacon of Islam cuz she just loves Polygamy in her cheerios instead of sugar.

She represents her views and her take on things.......sometimes many of us just don't agree with her. I asked her once if she had put a disclaimer on her book....something along the lines of....

"Practice of this sunnah could cause paralysis to half ur limbs and other lesser forms of torture"

It's the truth.

Big breath for me now.......I'm happy for the ppl where P is working for them. More so for the ones who have been introduced to it with kindness and respect and are treated fairly with a loving and attentive husband. I am happy for them.

But for others like myself...where they have been thrown into it, lied to, betrayed....and whatever other things that come along with it....no....I am not happy for them. They have rewired themselves to accept things, even when it's not fair.

I suppose...I'm the first who has rewired herself.

Problem with this is...once the man introduces this new sort of routine into your marriage....I think it's really fair to expect more of the same behaviour. Perhaps not always with wives.....but sure...with other things...

Hey Honey...I bought a new car today....we've got no more savings tho!

Hey Honey...I bought two tickets to Paris....maybe I should have told u first?

Hey Honey...me and the other wife have invested in a bldg....

I guess I'm saying......once you've been left outta the decision process...that's it. Ur opinion really doesn't matter, does it? Has it ever mattered?

I'm glad that Mizazeez has rewired.....I vaguely remember the beginning of her blog not being so positive...not sure if thats still there.......

But I really don't like seeing anyone sunnah thumping.....if you know what I mean.......lets stick with the fard first....if we get that down pat...lets move on...

Anonymous said...

Assalamu 'alaykum sister Vena,

I believe that if you want to try out this "polygamy" paradigm, you should then definitely insist on your husband being fair.

And the main things I think you should stress is...

a) The other wife has a lot less housework than you do. So it's only fair that you both have the same housework. So you should tell you husband that he should provide with someone to help you 2 or 3 times per week with housework.

b) Time with you: time with you is not "time with the kids". So he should budget for time with the kids, and then time with just you! He should get a nanny or something for those times, so you both are relaxed and can spend time together.

"aunty" noor said...

2 months to go......

gunna be an aunty wooooooooooooo

"aunty" noor said...

InshaAllah

UmmAbdurRahman said...

anonymous that is agreat suggestion, but one I highly doubt men will take.

I have even heard women in polygynous marriages ask scholars questions about their kids. He once was so involved in their lives and then he took another wife and never sees his children. She asked if he can come over every day to visit with the kids. The scholar flat out said no. He said if you want to see your children you take them at the house of the wife who's night it is.

So, your idea is nice in theory, but remember that in most polygnous endeavors the well-being of the children after their fathers go off creating a new family is often forgotten about.

I'm sorry, but in my opinion, you cannot be a good complete father when you're running around playing house with more than one woman.

Anonymous said...

"I guess I'm saying......once you've been left outta the decision process...that's it. Ur opinion really doesn't matter, does it? Has it ever mattered?"

Exactly. I'm really sorry Vena but your husband showed you how much you matter when he lied to you about being divorced. Who lies about such a thing? That was a huge red flag there. He married you under false pretenses, and you felt trapped because you were already pregnant.
It really shouldn't have been a shock when he married Lisa without telling you.

What's to say he won't decide to add wifeys #3 and #4 to the mix?

It's your life and you have to live it. You have decided to make a go of it and that's your decision.

However I feel like this blog is a cautionary tale. The lesson, sisters, is be careful who you marry. Go all into their background from A to Z. And if this man makes huge decisions that affect you without consulting you, expect a life without any kind of security or just BOUNCE.

Anonymous said...

First, Asaalmo alikum:
Wow... I have read all of the listings here and some are so negative. (no offence sisters). I don't think we need to be so negative when someone is already in a very sensitive situation. It is not so simple to just up and leave him because her life isn't what she pictured. She has 4 3/4 kids. That being said, this is what I want to give to Vena for advice.
I want to tell you that first I totally agree with you in that you don't want to live the reality but rather what you WANT your life to be. I am in a monogamus marriage and I have to do that or I would be divorced by now. Every husband will do things that seem, and it may be true, that he doesn't care as much about you as he should. But we all must remember that our men act as their fathers did, and if their fathers were not affectionate then they will have a hard time being as well. I guess I have trailed off and went to a more personal matter, but Please Vena stay strong and this could be your ticket to Jannah. I wish I would act like you if I were in your situation. May Allah keep you strong and don't forget we are all here for you.

Christian said...

Vena dear, if God had wanted a man to have two wives, He would have created two (or more) to the one guy. Your husband has strayed from the original plan God had instituted of marriage. You may have heard of Jacob and his two wives. His 'marriage' to both of them resulted in rivalry between the both sisters and continued with his children. Sure, your husband loves you, but it leaves me wondering, if he is satisfied with you as his wife, why should he choose to seek the arms of another woman? And what moral lesson will your daughters be learning? That its okay to have double standards? Your situation really troubles me...but, you seem to be okay with it, so i guess, all's well that ends well.

Anonymous said...

This is EMBARRASING!!! Please don't embarrase the Mainstream Muslims in America, we have enough to deal with!!!

Anonymous said...

I have spent all day reading your blog. Please keep writing. I am not Muslim but I have found your comments very insightful. My husband is in the military so he can be gone for months at a time and since we have no children yet and I now live far from my family, I am left home alone for long periods. Be thankful that you have your children and a husband that you see regularly. Also, I know you are upset that life at your co-wife's place is so much calmer and quieter than at your own and you feel that your husband prefers it there but also think how she must feel. You have provided him with many children and she has not. Perhaps she is jealous of your home life as well.

Colonel said...

Asslamo Allaikum Sister,

First and foremost I am a man, financially very well off, healthy, practising Sunnah, in my mid-thirties and with ample access to opportunities for polygamy and just had our third child, Masha’Allah.

Dear Sister in Islam with the utmost respect, I believe that it is highly irresponsible for your husband to leave you in the lurch in trying to deal with young children while he is away with the 2nd one.

My wife is also a professional, but doesn’t work because of young children and we are currently finding it hard to cope (lack of sleep & all that). I help with cooking, cleaning, washing dishes etc. in addition to my work to earn a living and I think your case is a very dangerous precedent.

When I did Nikah I did a contract with Allah (SWT) to look after her through thick and thin & NOT to abandon her & the children in her time of need!

I hope that you and others will forgive me for my honest thoughts!

Anonymous said...

As Allah SWT said 'do you beleive in some of the book and disbeleive in some of it?'
Allah Ma3aki

Colonel said...

Asslamo Allaikum,

What non-sense are you talking about?

Where have I denied Polygamy? I am an elementary student of Qur’aan & Sunnah & I have NOT come across any verse or narration from the Sunnah which deems polygamy to be obligatory.

Allah (SWT) has commanded me (as a man) to be the Supporter and to fulfil my obligations.
Most Sisters “COMPROMISE” on polygamy because when they find their husbands involved (or about to be involved) in polygamy they have no choice! What is a poor Sister supposed to do with multiple children? Be kicked out with her kids with 4 months of financial Support (Idda).

If Sisters can find husbands who are responsible, caring & loving to both wives and their respective children and actually follow the Sunnah (i.e. contact the Wali of the 2nd wife) instead of having an affair and then legitimising it by quoting the book of Allah (SWT) & the Sunnah, then be it!

I haven’t read the full blog so I am in no way commenting on this particular situation but I know VERY WELL what’s going in our communities and trust me it doesn’t resemble the Sunnah of Rasul-ullah (Sallaho Alaihe Wassallam) in anyway whatsoever!

Its having affairs or dealing with Single Sisters then BLACKMAILING the 1st wife into accepting it? Since when did that become the Sunnah?

Anonymous said...

well said colonel, you're spot on.

Anonymous said...

Assalamo Aliekoum

Vena, I respect what you are coping with and how you mak elife look like a walk in the park. It was not untill I met you that I fully understood that a marriage is worth saving and not all men are horrible beasts if they get a 2nd wife. Allah made it halal, so I guess there is a good reason for it. I get really scared and feel like crying at the thought of sharing my husband but then I think of all the benifits LOL. Allah is the best of planners and inshallah Allah makes it easier for you to see. I lived in a bad situation once, and I lived in a semi-denial stage that worked out pretty well for me LOL. DO what ever you need to do and understand that He loves you and the kids very much and you lov ehim too mashallah. No offense to men but men do not think before they DO, then the guilt overwhelms them and they are stuck to live with their actions. Dont really blame him or LISa or yoruself. you NEVER did anything to bring this on ( LOL can you guess who I am? ) I have known you for abotu 2 years and everytime I see you I think MASHALLAH shes a MUCH better wife/mom than I am. You inspire me to be a better muslimah and wife/mommy. hmmmmmmm have you guessed who I am yet? Ill give you a hint, I have a sister/like a twin/

Anonymous said...

colonel you are spot on. in every muslim polygyny blog (including misazeez's) the husbands had started some type of non Islamic and non sunnah communication with the second wife secretely, the first wives found out later through having to snoop or be told by someone other than their own husbands. Muslim men dont need their wives permission inorder to marry, but REAL Muslim men will fear Allah in their treatment to the Muslim women, especially their own wives. A lie is a lie is a lie. Lies are bad manners and bad manners lead to bad actions. Bad actions hurt the brothers and it hurts their wives and it hurts their children (long term) and ultimately these bad actions will hurt the ummah either directly or indirectly. These blogs by Muslim women have turned into nothing more than jerry springer shows with our least able to represent us running for the mic and camera.

Anonymous said...

Stop breaking the law. Practice monogomy.

foreverloyal said...

"men do not think before they DO, then the guilt overwhelms them and they are stuck to live with their actions. Dont really blame him or LISa or yoruself"

I don't know what kind of men you are around but MY husband does actually think before jumping feet first into a major decision. Masha'allah. He could not be the leader of my house if it were otherwise.
I also have to wonder would Allah design our "protectors and maintainers" to all be rash and impulsive?
That being said, I believe there is someone for almost everyone and evidently Vena and her husband are compatible.

leslie said...

Pleas stop people.

The battle is NOT between MONOGAMY or POLYGAMY. Whatever floats your boat is fine. As long as you mutually AGREE to it.

The issue is you were BETRAYED and lied to for months. Allah does not accept such things as good. Think about what your teaching your DAUGHTERS. That they should just deal and be in denial about their husbands betrayal.

PEACE