Thursday, June 07, 2007

Insha Allah I am having another girl. That's what the ultrasound says at least. Of course nothing is 100%, but that's what I am going by for now insha Allah. I am happy with that and so is my husband alhamdulillah. We both love girls so the more the merrier insha Allah. So this makes five girls masha Allah!!! Having this many girls has got me thinking of how I am contributing to the higher rate of women versus men. This is of course by the Will of Allah (swt), but it made me realize that the chances of my daughters being in a polygamous relationship will only increase. So what do I want for them? I want to somehow re-program my children. I want my children to grow up loving polygyny. I want them to live with it as a normal fact of life. I do not want my children to feel isolated or betrayed if it were to ever happen to them. No one is saying that they have to enter into polygyny, but I want to prepare them for the possibility of it so it is not a shock if it were to ever happen to them. This weekend I attended a lock-in (sleep-over) at a masjid and one of the lectures that was given was about how to be a happy Muslim wife. One of the other women that attended the gathering was someone I am well acquainted with. This woman is in her 50's, very beautiful, very independent, and very intelligent and is looking to get married. She is in need physically, emotionally and financially for a husband. While she was listening to the lecture you can see the sadness in her face. During the prayer she was crying so much.......I felt awful for her. You can sense her desperation to be a wife. Here she was suffering without a husband, but there were not many available to her. Nowadays most of the men are married especially ones who are close to her age. I really felt bad for her and it made me realize the true need for polygynyous marriages. These sisters are just as worthy of having good husbands as anyone else. Why can't we be better and tell our husbands (if they are capable) to take on another wife? I know it is soooo easy to say and sooooo hard to do, but then what is the solution? If every women says...."Not my man....." Then what will these women be left to do? Jealousy in polygyny is normal no one wants to share their husband, but I feel as Muslims we need to re adjust our mindset and become more accepting rather than rejecting. Polygyny practiced according to the guidelines set in the Sunnah can be a great benefit to all the parties involved and to the ummah as a whole. Insha Allah I plan to start with my little army of girls. Preparing them will strengthen them insha Allah.


UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Mash'Allah congrats! You are officially the 4th person I know having a

hema said...

oh good, you updated. i was getting worried about you!

Anonymous said...

Sorry but what you've written in your blog is enough to put anyone off. Can you not see that?

PS I'm a Muslim and I'm not against polygyny so I don't need to be told about it's benefits etc.

vena said...

You don't have to apologize. If you're put off by it than don't read it. This is my life and that's the reality of it. no one is forcing you to read my blog and I am not here to entertain anyone. But alhamdulillah that you are Muslim and alhamdulillah that you are not against polygyny. Good for you!!!!

Safa said...

Another girl to join the muslim ummah! Masha Allah....they are precious!!

Anonymous said...

Masha Allah; every time I read your thoughts; I wish I could be more like you. You have tremendous Iman; May Allah reward you Insha Allah.
I'm glad you're back i've missed you.

Hasnah1982 said...

I would love for my husband to marry a 50yr old woman but the reality is with him and many other men they don't want a second wife like that they want someone younger and prettier.I thought that is what polygyny was for so women like her can have a husband too but most brothers search out virgins and women younger than their first wife making their desires first priority not looking after an and older woman.If more men practiced the REAL sunnah maybe she wouldn't be sitting there crying and husbandless.

cairowash said...

hasnah1982 said:

"If more men practiced the REAL sunnah maybe she wouldn't be sitting there crying and husbandless."

What exactly is the real sunnah in regards to polygyny? Because the first "2nd wife" the prophet sall Allaahu 'alayhi wa sallam took, was a young virgin ('Aishah, radhy Allaahu 'anhaa). He was married to Sawdah radhy Allaahu 'anhaa, then took 'Aishah as his second wife, who was much younger than Sawdah, AND a virgin.

I'm just wondering exactly what you mean by your statement.


Caminante said...

Assalamu 'alaykum,

I've been reading your blog with so much interest... thanks for your honesty.

I just wanted to point out a couple of things (all are my humble opinion, of course!)

a) I don't think we should buy into "there are a lot more women than men..." myth. I've seen "Islamic" lecture given by "scholars" where they have grossly misquoted the ratio of men to women.

If you go to any world atlas, then you'll see that the ratio is not so far from 50-50. In fact, the women that are more likely to be "lonely" are those 50+ women (just because they live more). However, I don't see too many Muslim men wanting to marry widows from Iraq, Afghanistan, Darfur... that's not the second wife they want.

b)I think you can definitely try to teach your daughters to love polygyny, but you should also teach them to stand on their feet and to be strong.

We should just not take it anymore. Who the heck do these men think they are, that they can cause us so much suffering? Is this the sunnah of the prophet? I don't think so.

The issue of polygyny should be discussed thoroughly before marriage, a clause should be put in the nikah, and men should start RESPECTING THE CONDITIONS OF THE NIKAH and respecting their wives.

It's a sad state we're on, that many of our men think that they can do whatever the heck they want with us and we need to put up with their behavior.

There are many women who would like to try the polygyny paradigm, so whoever wants to be polygamist, should be with women that want such relationship. But sort of "forcing" it on their wives after kids and years of marriage... shame on them.

c) Kids need their father, ESPECIALLY at these times. Kids are in desperate need of both parental figures, with so many bad influences around.

So people should also think about this before considering polygyny. Maybe if you have one kid per wife, it's OK, but honestly, how can you take good care and be close to your kids if don't see them often. Husband have a responsibility towards this, and they should prioritize their families and their kids before their needs.

Anyways, sorry for my rantings... I have seen so many women suffer because of this, I just can't believe people would consider making your wife suffer "islamically", especially if one had a tacit agreement that he was not going to take any more wives.

Anonymous said...

Asalamalaykom Vena,

I appreciate your views, as they are divergent than mine and variety is needed in life.

I want to just mention that,when last we heard, you were living with mom and not your husband. Has this changed? If it hasn't, then I really don't see how your lifestyle is going to encourage your girls or anyone else to follow you.

In my opinion, it is unnatural for husband and wife to live apart, while he lives with another woman, having divorced yet another woman--whose children he doesnot father properly (your words, not mine).

You are loving polgyny? Really? Or are you suffering in it? Only you know. But, I do think it is important not to endorse anything harmful.

Wallahi, you could be influencing a sister to go into a p-marriage by acting as if there is not pain for you. And there is pain, isn't there, Vena? Right now? Come on. You are pregnant, living with your mom and your girls and you know where he is and (as far as I know) he is not with you.

Please be careful what you are putting out there. You know in your heart that the life you just blogged about is a fraction of what goes on in your day-to-day. The biggest reality, I believe, is the sadness, not the happiness. I don't feel you are happy in your difficult situation. I'm not saying you have to be! But, when you put a posting out like this one, which endorses this life, then I feel like coming in and calling you on it.

Your husband didn't help anyone but the non-Muslim bestfriend you had living in your house. And did he really "help" her? Or did he help himself? Where is the selflessness? Sounds only selfish on both their parts. I feel like you are living in denial, so you don't have to face the ugly truth which could hurt you even more. They are not good to you and you know that. So, you are spinning yarns to recreate a fantasy of why you are in this mess. But, the truth is two people you loved and trusted let you down. Not Islam--but humans.

I love you. I love your endurance. Just please rethink if you TRULY would wish this on your girls or any woman searching for her way in Islam.

Previous Anonymous said...

You don't have to be defensive sister, my intention wasn't to offend you. I just think you haven't done polygyny any favours. I believe polygyny can work because like I said, I'm Muslim and I cannot reject something that our deen endorses - I don't believe Allah will permit and even encourage something that is just wrong and harmful. However from your blog I don't think your story is a "polygyny success story" and I feel angry on your behalf. I pray Allah gives you and all of us strength. I think there's so many cases of injustice against women - regardless of their and their oppressors religion; Muslim and non-Muslim women get oppressed - but I don't think the purpose of your blog is to highlight this. You may have wanted to show what the reality of being in a polygynous marriage is like, the good and bad of it, but from what I've read in your blog, the good fades into insignificance against the bad. And that's really unfortunate. Allahu musta'aan.

Wassalamu alaikum.

Safa said...

jeez...what to say here.....

I guess...bottom line...polygyny isn't an easy ride. It has more ups and downs than any marriage on its own. And really...when I read others P blogs..I really want them to succeed.

But it kills me the amount of women who get tricked into it...including myself. It kills me to see these women hurt and then by the strength of their Eman...overcome it. Is that Eman? Or is the word "Eman" a scapegoat for weakness?

Have you ever heard about Hafsa? How she was so jealous? And she even pushed the prophet, saw? Did she not possess Eman? Even if she had a quick temper? Did not Aisha display temper? Did not the wives of the prophet work together to upset him about the supposed smell of his breath because they were jealous?

My point? That Polygyny has UPS....and DOWNS. But as women, I believe we have to stand up towards it and relieve ourselves of the anger that simmers just beneath the surface....u know the anger that comes to us in the dead of the night when we really don't expect it? Yes....that anger.

Polygyny shouldn't be introduced into a marriage with that anger. Personally....I had a very difficult time reading Polygynous Blessings blog. It comes to a point where u feel like she's sugar coating everything. OMG...what are the ppl reading her book going to think? Is this a real view of Polygyny?

Heck, I could write a book about drowning urself and make it look like glory....and the drowning rate will go up at least 25%!!!

One more thing....if you've noticed...Vena isn't blogging much. Obviously she's dealing with a lot....and not just Polygyny....she's also carrying a child. I was in her EXACT same situation not long ago....

Maybe after the arrival of the new baby...she'll see things in a different light....maybe not. But it's her life...and she has to decide whats' best for her.

PS. It was extremely difficult for me to read Vena's words about strengthening her girls for Polygyny.......having my own 4 girls. And like HA said to Vena...Just please rethink if you TRULY would wish this on your girls or any woman searching for her way in Islam. I sure wouldn't.

UmmAbdurRahman said...

safa that was powerful.

Anonymous said...

You know why I like vena's blog and why I didn't care much for polygynous blessings is because vena always describes things as her personal journey with polygyny vs the other sister whose blog came off a bit too pretentious (and allah knows best) when really she is still a baby in whole area of marriage.

I understand vena's post. I don't want my daughter (inshallah) to fear Muslim men or any aspect of marriage in Islam, and that includes polygyny. I want her to grow up and be confident in herself and in Allah to help her through all of the dunya. So I get what she is saying and I can relate.

What I also get from the other sisters is that as Muslim women we have to be brave and trusting enough (in Allaah) to make honest assessments of our lives. If a Muslim man is straight forward and truthful then when he approaches a young lady for marriage he is going to bring up his desire to practice polygyny and if the sister accepts Alhamdulilah. But if a brother is dishonest or gets married without informing his wife (inform, not seek permission) then this is a cause for the break in trust, in security and in the love that was once there. Sisters who have to deal with the emotional baggage of being hurt by the one Allah put in their life to protect and maintain them have the right to feel scarred, angry and upset - even seek out divorce. It's the natural reaction to an unjust action.

To white wash over the real issue is a diservice to our sisters. Their eman isn't weak. They're not deny anyone's rights. They don't hate an allowed aspect of Islam. They've been hurt by someone who isn't suppose to hurt them in that way. That's it, plain and simple.

And no, I don't want to raise my daughter to accept that sort of treatment from a Muslim man and I don't want my sisters in Islam to have to accept that type of treatment either. That to me is the unpraise worthy polygyny, the oppression, the way of the weak and unfortunately its what we see the most of in the ummah today. Our girls deserve better than that, especially they are chaste and God fearing. They deserve loving, caring and trust worthy husbands, period.

It's sad to see sisters without husbands, but's it's more sad to see a man throw his whole family; children and all into hormonal rollercoaster ride that leaves everyone scarred and damaged for life.

Another thing is the children. During the time of nabi (saws) the ummah was really connected, one body. Extended family stepped up and helped out without being asked, the children didn't go without love and security in any way.

Today this isn't the case. I see Muslim youth here in the middle east just as lost as the Muslim youth in west. Our families are severely dysfunctional; broken in many areas. The children have to be a priority by both parents. A sister shouldn't have to play both roles to her children nor have to settle for a couple of hours of his time with them. That's the only thing I can say to you vena. Having that many daughters is certainly a blessing, make sure they get enough time with their dad so that the blessing will be counted for your husband and you and not against you all.

If you feel content, Alhamdulilah. I am happy for you.

me again said...

another thing, I agree with caminate. If brothers really want to make things easy on themselves, they should look to marry sisters who are polygynist in nature. There are many sisters all across the world who prefer polygynist lifestyles. This is mercy from Allah actually. These sisters are the ones who are best suited for polygyny.

mizazeez said...

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem

Salaamun 'Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh ukhti vena. i know it has been awhile since i have commented on your blog but know that just because i haven't been leaving my mark does not mean that i do not frequent your blog and check on you.

may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless you with a righteous child, for indeed children are a ni'mah from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. and may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala preserve you and your family's Islam and protect you from the evil eye and from the shayateen amongst mankind and jinn. Ameen.

you are in my thoughts and my du'aa.

with much sisterly love,

Anonymous said...

Let us also not whitewash the role wives have played in their own situations...turning the cheek to their husbands inappropriate behavior, avoiding the red flags or agreeing to be away from their husbands--who are used to having halal sex on a very regular bases--for soooo long.
Stop portraying and believing that sisters are ALWAYS the naive, innocent victims in these P-marriages...yes, sometimes they certainly are...but if we aren't learning from their mistakes/weaknesses/shortcomings...we stupid.

PM said...

Wow! Too much wisdom here for me to comment. And I really embrace the total honesty I am seeing from my sisters.

Marook on the new daughter. May her life be a happy one.

Salaam Alaikum,

Hasnah1982 said...

There are two narrations with regard to Sauda and Aisha.One narration was that he married Aisha radi Allaahu anha first and ONLY Allaah knows best.However, even if that wasn't the case his reason for marrying anyone was far far from his nafs.

Naturally Muslimah said...

As Salaamu Alaikum,
Masah'Allah, I wish I had as much iman as you. I know in my heart that Polyngy is good and can work because it comes from Allah. But I don't know if I'm ready for that for myself. But I admire your faith in Allah and working to have a successful marriage.


UmmAbdurRahman said...

naturally muslimah: can i ask you this question, but I have to first warn that this isn't in anyway in reference to sister vena.

I just here over and over again how much iman women in polygyny or women in niqab have. The minute some people start having a rough time in life they blame it on their iman. Lost your job? your iman is low. Can't sleep at night? your iman is low. Want to leave your husband who lied to you and married someone without telling you? your iman is low.

But someone who is wililng to be lied to and treated like crap. Who somehow deals with their situation they automatically have high iman? I don't get that.

Is their iman really high or do they feel as if they have no option but to put up with it?

Wallahi, not intended to be towards sister vena, I really just want to know.

Anonymous said...

Masha Allah La Quwwata illa Billah

If only other Muslims were as strong in their Deen as you !!

Anonymous said...

Hi Sister

I am a 34 yr old muslim woman married with two children.

I have to say i do not agree with Polygyny.

I understand that our prophet had many wives, but in all honesty do you really think men in this day and age are realistically able to treat their wives equally as our prophet was able to do?

Your husband seems to be a selfish man who is only interested in his own needs not even consisdering how his marriage to Lisa is affecting you and your children.

May Allah give you patience as I know I could not accept such a marriage.

joi'e said...

Today has been a traumatic day for me. I have been dating a "devout muslim" man for 2 yrs. It took him one year to tell me he was married. After my initial trauma, he wanted to marry me or me marry his brother so we could be a family. I was entertaining the idea, but he would never stay with me over night. I told him how lonely I was some nights when he would be home relaxing. I am over 50 but very young, strong and very pretty. I take care of my ailing elderly mother. When he told me he was married I was more upset by the lying. Now today, he tells me his wife is pregnant, 7 mos. All this time never saying anything to me. I read the comment on passionate love and now I feel betrayed and jealous. He is still calling me and wants everything the way it is. How can this be? I am sick today with loneliness and betrayal. I would have shared his life with him because I have small family and really don't need a man all the time. I am so confused. Plus, I was raised Catholic and I just can't see this for myself or my family. I have to let go.
Personally, I think this polygamy thing is for the benefit of the man and advancement of the Muslim population. It could work for the right man if he is loving and open with his wives. It takes a very special man for that.

Sr. Salihah said...

This is to sister Umabdurrahman: The reason that your iman is high when you have a situation thrust upon you is because you believe it is the divine will of Allah. And you accpet his Qadar and be patient in hope of reward and Janneh. Of course don't forget that this in no way means that the person who has wronged you will not get thier punishment on Judgment day. Wa alikum Salam

Anonymous said...

I was baptised christian orthodox, I believe in God but definitely do not share all religious practices of my religion, as I find them too paganistic!. Men an women should be able, and, first of all, mature, to commit to one another and not to have many sexual partners in parallel, whether in marriage or not. I admire your patience, yet you yourself are saying :if this was to "happen" to my daughters!

Anonymous said...


I am a Muslim convertlooking to marry & currently dating a Muslim man. I am having issues with polygamy and will reject this. I know in my heart that this will hurt me & Allah does not wish to stress me over the religion. I will not go into this hurting myself. This man could have provided charity without marrying her. He did so in the beginning. He knew this would hurt his wife and take away from their family. At the beginning, he gave charity to her but then things changed. They both deceived her. He used manipulative tactics on his 1st wife by telling her the things that she needed to do to keep him from taking another wife. He is to take care of them equally and he is not. The 1st wife is suffering. Does Allah want us to suffer to the point that we cannot take care of our children, to the point where we are depressed and need psychological help and medications to cope? Qur'an states polygany should be used as a last resort. It should not be used for lustful reasons. He helped her already and she was back on her feet. I was told to use my head before converting and now while in the religion some are telling me not to think. To do as Im told. The Qur'an does not say that one is compelled to do this.

I wish you the best,

Anonymous said...

I can't stop crying as I read your blog. I really pray that you will be blessed and find happiness for the suffering you are enduring on Earth.

I am with a man who cheats on me all the time. We have five kids together and have been together since we were teenagers. I have been with him for almost 18 years and I am 33. I tried to first pretend he wasnt doing it. Then that he was just relieving some stress then that it didnt matter because I was still who he was coming home to. I went from feeling shocked to stunned to rejected. I feel ugly, weird, unwanted, unsexy, old, dumpy, lonely, bored. Meanwhile, he is spending time, money and energy on another woman. Another woman who is living her happy kaffir life except for the pretenses she puts on to try and impress him, another woman he met while she was in a club or dressed sexy on the streets or who aborted all her kids so she could be a career girl. He's chasing after her and validating all of her negativity while condeming me with what i didn't do and what I lack and whats wrong with me, meanwhile my heart is pure.

I am sorry to say this but I would never let my daughter be in that type of situation. If a man can't commit to her, then she doesn't need him. Polygamy can only work when women dont have rights and are oppressed into a place where they need a man. In the US, in 2007 thats not the case. I want my babies to know they are from this place but not of it. If the one benfit they can enjoy is not having to deal with that then so be it.