Saturday, July 28, 2007

So here I am once again. It's been a little hectic around here and therefore it's been pretty difficult to get the time to sit and write. Now that the kids are out of school.....they are driving me nuts. Don't get me wrong. I love the kids and would rather have the chaos than nothing at all, but it's a little overwhelming.

So once again I am preparing to move and once again it is at the end of my pregnancy. For some reason I always move in my last month of pregnancy. This is my third time subhan Allah. I am almost 34 weeks pregnant so 3 more weeks till I am full-term insha Allah and then the real excitement begins.

It hasn't been too difficult because I am very blessed alhamdulillah. I have a wonderful husband who supports me and my daughters, I have beautiful healthy children, I have wonderful friends who do their best to take care of me and the kids when my husband is not available, I have a co-wife who at the drop of a hat helps me when I need help, and I come from a very respectable family who love me and are always there when I need them. Alhamdulillah I am surrounded by good people and in this life that is so important. What's better than that??? When I think of those people who do not have anybody to turn to it makes me sooooo grateful for what I have.

Speaking of being grateful. It has come up several times recently where people on the blog and people in my life have mentioned that they believe that I am living in denial. They say that I am truly not content on the inside, but am just trying to make the best of things because I have no other choice. I have been thinking a lot about that and have come to reflect upon why they have such a view. In some way I see where these people are coming from. There may be some truth to it, but it is not complete truth. Here is the reality of it......I cannot be strong all the time. I will not be happy everyday of my life. I will not have everything that I need and I will most certainly not have everything that I want. I will probably have as many down days as I do up. Life will be difficult and That's ok!!!!! All of these things are ok. Life is not going to be custom made for me. I have to take things as they come. I am tested with something and someone else will be tested with something else and each test is unique to each individual. Through these blogs and through witnessing the hardships of others we can use experiences to learn about life and relationships.

I considered giving up my blog many times, but I decided once and for all not to do it. I want people to take what they can from my experience. I know some people think I am crazy and others see themselves in my struggle.....either way each person is developing their own opinions and perspective which is always a positive thing. Even if you have no relation to what I have experienced you will still experience some critical thinking. I am saying my experience in the hopes that I can be of benefit to someone else and if I can do that for just one person then all that I went through was worth it. And I am not intending to be too dramatic and didn't really go through too much considering what others are going through. Alhamdulillah my husband didn't leave me for another woman. He is able to be there for me when I need him. He provides for me and my children. My husband still spoils me and shows me affection. My husband has grown very appreciative of me.....even more so after marrying Lisa. Alhamdulillah my husband is equal and fair. I am really blessed to have him in my life even through difficulty. He is worth it to me. And I hope that if I ever make a mistake in our marriage that he too will stand by me because we love one another and feel that over all we have something worth preserving.

Please don't forget that as I learn and grow from my husband too is learning and growing from his own experiences. Maybe he wasn't very wise in the way he took another wife, but all in all I think he too has had to make adjustments and rearrange his life. It hasn't all been easy for him either, and hey that's life. Allah is Just. Through this experience my husband and I have grown closer in some ways. Yes the relationship has changed, but it has matured as well. It has shown us what we really mean to one another and what our marriage can stand through. Our marriage is more solid now than it has ever been walhamdulillah.

Am I in denial???? lol. So what if I am???? I do not think that I am in denial. I think shaytan will make me doubt my sincerity so I can give up all together, but I won't do that. I will not give myself a pity party, because that is what shaytan wants. So what if my husband took another wife????? My husband is not my life....sorry but he's not. This dunia is very deceiving and my husband is a part of this dunia as is everything else. I am obligated to do what is right in the sight of Allah (swt). I will be judged and he (my husband) will be judged and Lisa will be judged. We will not be held accountable for what the others did. I will not be held to account for my husband nor will he be held to account for me. It's fend for yourself!!!! He has not fallen short in his Islamic obligations alhamdulillah and I will not either insha Allah. My duty is to my family for Allah's sake. I will not take my husband with me in my grave, but I will take my deeds. Even if I am in least it's working. I never heard of a hadeeth where Allah punishes anyone for seeing the bright side......Have you??? ; )


Anonymous said...

Assalamualaikum dear sister,
i pray that your health is ok.
I've read through your posts, and i can see both sides of the arguement. Sometimes it does take something as drastic as this for both parties to realise the value of what they were blessed with in the first place.
If you and your husband have become closer as a result of this whole situation - then its the qadr of Allah.

Our love for Allah has to surpass everything in our lives. Including our children and our spouses. Your husband will have to answer for what he has done. It doesnt matter how rightous your husband seems to be - only Allah knows what is in his heart and his intentions. If you have forgiven him, and your marriage is a marriage, then i'm happy for you.

May Allah forgive all our shortcomings.

your sister in islam

Une femme libre said...

I've been reading your blog by accident. I live in Canada, I speak french so please excuse my english. I am not Muslim. I have been surprised to learn that a man could marry more than one woman in the United States. Isn't it against the law? It it certainly illegal in Canada.

But apart from the legal side of it, I am amazed at how well you are doing under the circumstances. You certainly are a courageous young woman, one who is educated and can stand for herself. So, in your case, to stay in such a marriage and to make the most of it is a real choice, even though maybe if you would not have all those little children, your choice could be différent.

I want to tell you that I have some admiration for you, for your vitality and your desire to be happy. I wish you the best, sincerely.

Anonymous said...

Allah tells us in the Qur'an that man cannot have anything but what he strives for. Yes, the dunia is hard and yes Allah has promised us tests but Allah has given mankind the ability to go after and acheive that which is halal and Allah also has given mankind the ability to choose to not. Polygany by nature is difficult for women to handle and its important to have a good outlook about it and be okay with it if you're dealing with it. You seem to have found that, inshallah. Don't stop going after your own dreams and your own interests though. Life isn't perfect and we are guranteed tests, we don't have to add to those tests by settling for the presence of things in our life that we don't want. I think may be part of the reason people keep saying your in denial because your blogs read like personal pep talks that you're writing inorder to persuade your mind that you're okay. It's true you're in polygany but Muslim women are not polyganist nor are we polygany's national spokeswomen. I think it would be okay for you to write a post and say I had a rough day or the like because that's how Allah created us. When you write or talk to people as if you're sailing through things and they see you with all the litle girls and pregnant and receiving half the help of full time husband than common sense will tell them that is a lot for anyone to deal with whether they want to admit it or not.

Safa said...

It's this one line that stands out to me..."He has not fallen short in his Islamic obligations alhamdulillah "....and that really says it all.

May Allah continue to make you brave and bright.....ameen!!

Anonymous said...

Asalamalaykom Sister,

You wrote what you needed to write. I know you are feeling a bit exposed from being linked to, in the Slate article. You have these new people coming to you and you feel the obligation to present Islam correctly. I understand :)

I think you did your best.

I also think that the 2nd Anonymous is making sense. You are trying so hard to do your best that your blog is reading like a facade; a mask.

One reason, in my opinion, is that your co-wife knows about your blog. You are guarded. No one can blame you for that! I could not have been so candid in mine, if I knew that TBD's ex was perusing my postings.

So! Write what you need to write.

But! I pray that you go to Allah and really tell all. Don't tell us all, that's fine. But, tell it all to Allah. Allah already knows the contents of your heart. And I know, from my own experience, that there are often mixed emotions, even while you are doing your best to remain positive.

May Allah continue to bless you with good health and iman.

Colonel said...

Asslamo Allaikum Brothers/Sisters,

Simple question!

Q) What can be done about it to prevent the massive betrayal of trust and hurting of people’s feelings?

Sister! Have you addressed this in any of your blogs?

I am not against polygany because it is clearly stipulated in the Qur’aan & Sunnah…

Some people have the guts to suggest that a man wouldn’t look for a 2nd wife if the 1st was good! I personally think that to be non-sense…Grass will always be greener on the other-side.

Anonymous said...

Asalamu Walaikum,
You said it yourself in a post or comments further back that you rather be in denial than depressed or sad...something to that...masha Allah...I think it is HUGE that you recognize that you are in is the textbook definition of denial from my Psych 101 class...kid you not!
Denial- Protecting oneself from an unpleasant reality by refusing to perceive it or believe it.
So maybe you aren't actually in denial sis, maybe you are just being non-reactionary.
What else is she supposed to do people? Be hasty? The sister is dealing the best she can. May Allah continue to guide and protect you Vena, ameen.
Love and Salam,
~Brooke AKA Ummbadier

Anonymous said...

Does anyone know of any authentic ahadeeth where sahabiyat were tricked, forced or lied into a polygynous marriage? Where is the proof that polygyny in Islam is a state of living in denial for any of the parties? Or settling for less? Or fearing rocking the boat because you are young with children and uneducated? Denial is really half of the issue with all these blogs on the subject. The other half is doubt in the ability and mercy of Allah to CHANGE a situation that isn't good you, for Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change the condition of themselves. And also, I think I will include the aya many qoute, you may like a thing (denial) that is not good for you and dislike a thing (making an effort to change your situation) that is good for you. May Allah strengthen the faith and resolve of Muslim women to really be beacons for the Qur'an and sunnah.

Anonymous said...

Where in the world does this nonsense come from? If you want to disregard our laws about marriage, then go back to your own country. Not only is this degrading to you as a woman, it is against the law - regardless of what you chauvanistic religious babble says. You sound like someone who needs to get ANGRY - why is it that women cannot have 4 husbands? Are you any less capable? Do you have the same intelligence, earning capabilities? If there were a God, or an Allah or whatever, due to the simple fact that he has made everyone equal, and the advances we as a people have been able to achieve through the knowledge given to us by "God" or whoever, his "writings", etc. would reflect the current day realities, instead of some idiotic rantings for centuries ago when women were no better than cattle or other livestock. Get real!

Anonymous said...

I SECOND THAT!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

anon who is two posts above - calm down!!
If you think Islam is chauvanistic, YOU ARE SERI0USLY WRONG!!! And no, i'm not a man, i am a muslim sister.

The current day reality is that for every man who is becoming a muslim, here in the west, there are 3 women becoming muslims. I dont think you would have this kind of ratio if it was a male only religion.

Please get your facts right before you make general assumptions. Women here in the west are still being treated like animals and cattles. If your society is as equal and fair as you claim it is - then why do you get domestic violence, prositution, human trafficking etc still happening? I thought the atheist/ secular society was supposed to be more civilised than that? Why are your women used as bait whether it be on the catwalk or on tv to sell a tin of beens? How is that you honour your women by forcing them to wear skimpy clothes, and they are judged according to what they wear rather than who they are on the inside?

And no - its no a religion followed by people who have the brain cells of a goldfish. There are many proffesional people, scientists and professors who have become muslims because of the emphasis placed on spirituality instead of materialism, aswell as the EVIDENCES they have come across in the quran.

I'm sorry to say, but the 'modern' person also follows idiotic rantings - zodiac signs, the lyrics in a rap/pop music, magazines etc. The 'modern' person worships actors, models, footballers, singers etc.

Oh and by the way - the modern day advances are already in the Quran. Go and take a look, dont cherry pick verses to fit in with what you 'think' you already know. Read it with an open mind and heart, and ask a qualified scholar any questions you may have.

Peace be with you.


foreverloyal said...

I'm glad you are doing well. May Allah make your labor and delivery easy and quick and bless you with a healthy, happy baby. :)

hema said...

nope, i've not heard any hadiths where Allah punishes anyone for seeing the bright side either:)

Anonymous said...

I fully concur with the points brought forward by Starlight.
I am also practicing polygamy. I even live in the same compound with my co-wife, we do things together - from cooking, shopping to travelling and having holidays. We raise the children together. Naturally, there will be disagreement over certain things, since we are both a different individuals with different characters. But we are both educated and professional people, so we acknowledge those differences and happily make no big fuss about it. Even monogamous people also have got a lot of problems that may lead to divorce and even worse, the husband having extra marital affairs.
I wouldn't deny that life has its ups and downs as sister Vena says. But hey... that's what life is. Either you have a co-wife or not !

unautreprof said...

Femme Libre recommended to go read your blog and I find it really interesting and inspiring. I am a single girl, catholic and canadian.
Your life as a First Wive is far from mine, but reading your concerns, your questionning is showing that no matter religion we're from, we, women, are a lot alike.
Hope your health is good, that the precious people around you are taking good care of you.

Organic-Muslimah said...

I stop by to read every once and a while. And since I have nothing good to say, I will remain silent.

nayar said...

Yes you are in denial. Get out NOW. Denial is not best for you in the long run. Its a short term way of dealing with things. You need to learn how to better manage your stress.

The issue is not about polygamy. The issue is that this was done BEHIND your back. And that is wrong. If you had agree to it then fine but you did not discuss such thing with him. Now if he did this to you and with your friend now, what makes you think he wont do this to u later on in life.

What kind of friend is this? Lisa is suppose to be your friend right and yet went behind your back and married your husband. Well who needs enemies when you have Lisa. She has proven that you can not trust her under no circumstances.

Dump both of them. Just because you are having a child doesnt mean you need to be depserate for a husband. Never accept less no matter what situation you are in.

Remmeber you are teaching your daughters that they deserve LESS in life. Your teaching them to compromise their selves in order keep man happy.


Anonymous said...

How do other people think they know how you feel on the inside?

Robin said...

As Salaama Alaikum,
Contrary to what Nayar said, you are not in denial. She needs to wake up. You are awake. You can't get out of your polygamous relationship right now whether you want to or not. You're in it right now, as that is what Allah has decreed and you will remain in it unless Allah takes you out of it. Shaytan created the false illusion in your mind that you have the power to decide your fate. Don't be like unbelieving women who say they rather not have a husband, if they have to share. There's nothing wrong with you staying married to your husband. Some people are alone and miserable, and want you to be ALONE and miserable, as well. If you run from polygamy, where are you going? the same or worse? Do you want to run from your test? Polygamy is a right given to man by Allah. Is your husband physically harming you in anyway? So, you are experiencing some psychological and emotional distress by all of this. Your marital situation is your test. Don't reject Allah's decision. Try to accept what Allah has decreed with enthusiam. It's difficult, but "seek Allah's help with patience, perseverance and prayer." Allah hears the cry of the wife who calls unto him regarding her husband (I don't have the Iyat at hand). If
Allah wants you out of your marriage, He would take you out when He decides. You don't have to try to figure out what to do. Don't listen to SHAYTAN who says you are DESPERATE for a husband. You're just obeying Allah - willingly or unwilling, you will obey Him.