Monday, April 09, 2007

Tonight was the first night that I let all my kids go over to Lisa's house while my husband was there and I was not. I guess I had always been afraid of her playing mommy to my kids in front of my husband because I imagined she would probably be a better mom to them than me.

My husband has issues with me about the kids. His main battle with me is over the foods they eat. He hates the words mac and cheese, ramen noodles, frozen pizza, hot pockets, fast food, whatever!! You get the picture. I agree with him that they need to eat healthier foods, but when I cook the healthy stuff they don't eat it and it goes to waste. I figure this is just their age and they will grow out of it insha Allah. I was the same when I was a child.

Anyways these are the things he makes a big deal about or for example spilled food or drinks, food in their room, etc. Yeah these are things that can annoy a person, but we have to remember we are dealing with kids under the age of seven. HELLO!!! This is all normal. Still I guess the shaytan in me thinks that Lisa will show me up in front of him and show him that she can be a better mother than me. I know she is not like that, but the thought creeps up, you know???

So I had to go to the store for some last minute urgent shopping and realized that it wasn't my day and I have all four kids and it was getting late and I couldn't do it alone. I called my husband and asked him if he would be willing to meet me in front of the store right next to their apartment so he can keep an eye on the kids in the car while I run in and get what I need. He said ok. On my way to the store he called me on my cell and asked if it would be ok for me to just bring the kids over to the apartment so he can watch them there because he was extremely tired. Since I wasn't going to be long, I agreed. I dropped them off, did my shopping and headed back to their place to pick up the kids. By the time I arrived my husband had already left to go pray Isha at the masjid so I had to go upstairs and bring the kids down. Well when I got there Lisa looked really good masha Allah. Without describing her I will just say that she looked very made up for someone who was just staying at home. Of course I know she was looking good for him.

Anyways a part of me got jealous right away because I haven't been able to pay much attention to my appearance lately because I have been very sick. I normally love to get dressed up, do my hair and make up, but I just haven't had the energy lately and I know thats normal and that's ok. My husband, to tell you the truth doesn't care either way. He is a very simple man (masha Allah) .....I know he thinks I am beautiful just the way I am. He has made sure to tell me over and over again in our marriage how beautiful I look to him. He doesn't care too much for clothes or make up, in fact he prefers natural beauty.

Anyways to get back to my point.....The shaytan started to play with me trying to make me feel insecure about a mother, as a wife, as a woman in general and that's when I had to put him in check. I reminded myself of something my friend once told me that I think has helped me a lot. She told me things always change. She tried to point out that at some point Lisa might have more of my husband's affection and at another point I might have it. She said that she might have years of being kid free with him and then there will come a time when our kids are grown and we too will have our time. She said that I will have troubled times and so will she.....I will have times when I am sick and so will she. Her point was that each of us will get our time.

After some thought I let the jealousy roll of my back and I appreciated how nice Lisa really looked and I thanked her for taking care of my kids. Then on my way home driving from her apartment to mine she texted messaged me thanking me for letting the girls go over there because she had fun with them. I am glad that she did because they did too. My three year old didn't want to leave. lol. Anyways all in all I am just happy to conquer the little whispers.......cause they are just soooooo damn annoying!!!


Safa said...

Excellent, my dear!

Anonymous said...

Asalamalaykom Vena,

Alhumdullah you are feeling on top of things. The enormity of the situation can sometimes get the better of us, but we are not animals who have to fight or flee. We can do just what you did, and reason our way out of our nafs and away from the shaytan.

Be who you want to be, regardless of what anyone else is doing. That idea has helped get me through a lot! :)

When you are your true self, the ones who can truly appreciate you WILL! :) And there are a lot of us on the 'net who appreciate you, dear Vena.

God's blessings on you, your littlest one and the rest of your family.

Anonymous said...

Hello there!!!!
I would just like to ask how you explain to your children about him staying away from you? Have they ever asked you why daddy is not at home and why he's with another woman? Do they ask who this woman is?

Just curious.

Livin_life_and loving_it said...

Never worry about someone being better that you at anything. Allah blessed us all with different talents. YOu are a special womderful mother and wife. No one can be better than you at being who and what YOu are......

vena said...

jazakum Allah khair for the sweet comments. You really made my day masha Allah!!!

To: Anonymous
I don't really explain it to them. The older two understand that he is married to someone else because they were there through all the struggles unfortunately. The little ones are too little to know better, but I am guessing they will just be used to it as a part of their family routine. When my three year old asks me where baba is.....I just tell her that he has work. I don't like to say that he's at her house. Later she will understand without me having to say anything. The kids love her just as they love my other friends. They see us as friends and therefore they do not have any animosity towards her, but I think if they saw us as enemies then they might feel differently. It's all about how I present it to them that makes the difference I think. I treat it as if it's something normal. This is our life now and this is our routine and we just adjust as we would in any other situation.

Anonymous said...

This will sound weird sister vena, but for a sister that isn't married, and is finding it hard to do so, would you say polygamy is the answer?

The question arose, and i'm not sure what I think about it. Having seen different things and read your entire blog, i'm kind of in two minds.

What advice would you give to a sister such as myself?

nazira said...

Allah huakbar. may Allah be pleased with your achievements and grant u peace and ease at heart.

Anonymous said...

for the sister who cant find someone...... which part of the world do you live in? Are you in Europe? How old are you? etc

I'm sure someone can help you, inshallah.

Anonymous said...

siser Vena...mashallah tabarakallah. While I do not consider polygyny something that is remotly kind, I am taken away by your eman and your accountability towards your creator. I admire you. I know that you struggle with your shaytan and your humanity, and I want to tell you that I think you are incredibly my sister in Islam, mashallah. I ask Allah to thebbit you on your path of strength and to empower you to offer wisdom and guidance to others around you. I think that your husband is incredibly fortunate and blessed to have a wife like you. I do not know him and would not like to judge him or his actions; though I know from reading your blog that your choices are not in agreement of polygyny but instead out of love for Allah, your husband, yourself, and your children.

Allah ybarik feeki.

Anonymous said...

Vena...I have read every one of your posts and am excited to read more!! Your journey of self discovery is so interesting and I am wanting to hear how you are doing now! I don't think your husband is bad at all, and actually I think about your, my sister in Islam, mostly and notice how you struggle to learn and hold on to your eman...I have learned so much from you.

please update :-)

Carolyn said...

You're a very strong woman.

Organic-Muslimah said...

I think it's not Shaytaan, I think it's our own self. It's easier to blame Shaytaan than ourselves.

Umm Maymoonah said...

Dear vena i know many people read your blog and have much to say but what i want to say is private. please may I have ur email adress or alternatively u cud email me if you don't want ur email public.

Muhammad said...

Not reading the comments and just adding my two cents.

My wife told me some time ago that you were on your way to a divorce. I am so happy to hear that you have worked things out. When we sit and talk sometimes we run down the list of others lives and compare them to issues that we are having. Sometimes we say Alhamdulillah and sometimes we say we need to work on this or that. Anyway I'm glad that you are more the cheery bright-facing the future lady that I remember reading about when I first started on my polygamy verification crusade. I know your situation is far from perfect but the poise with you conduct yourself and your positive outlook is exemplary.

I scowl too about the food issue because I'm from the old school. You eat what is in front of you or go hungry. Now in reality your kids won't starve and if they do they will be more appreciative of the food that they do get and you won't have that problem anymore. I don't like the situation, but I release the reigns to my wife because she is in charge of them. If I really want to do something else about it then I can hire a nanny or something, but that will never fly.

Yeah it is all normal, but it is still irritating. Like when I come home from work and all I want to do is just wind down and then there is all of this stimulus to deal with it becomes a bit overwhelming. My wife usually does a good job of warning me if the things aren't in place so mentally I can be prepared, and it helps a great deal with my moodiness.

My wife makes an extra effort to have everything in place when I get home. I used to take it for granted, but I know for a fact she puts in a LOT of work to keep the house straight. And I thank her Alhamdulillah.

I know you said that your husband loves the au naturale type and this is true I'm the same way. I hate, hate, hate watching the application of make up. I grew up in south florida and went to school with Cubans and those girls would put on make-up every 60 seconds and it really drove me nuts, because they looked fine without it, but to this day it irritates me to WATCH a woman put on make-up. I can't stand it. So what my wife does is put it on sometimes out of my eye-view, or before I come home, and let me tell you I think that has something to do with why we have 6 kids. Anyway I said that to say this we may NEVER say anything, but we notice. I do. Let me tell you that it definitely steps the stakes of the game.

Sakinah is a bad girl when she wants to be.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
for the sister who cant find someone...... which part of the world do you live in? Are you in Europe? How old are you? etc

I'm sure someone can help you, inshallah.



over 25

KERALA said...

asssalamualaikum...i dontknow u may see this or not.i read ur page written years before in 2008 now what is ur condition in 2010..i want to know..polygomy is not an insult to woman . it may be a grace.mistakes will be in every husbands and wifes..dont react by blaming...allah bless