Tuesday, March 06, 2007

As salamu alikum dear beautiful sisters.... Believe it or not, I was actually contemplating whether or not I should continue my blog. The reason is that I think I have misrepresented my husband's image on here and I feel extremely guilty about that. I know I haven't responded to comments in a long time, but I have been reading them. I feel sad that I have given some sisters the impression that my husband was a bad husband when in fact he is a wonderful husband. Yes, he has his faults, but we all have our faults. I am faaaaaaaaar from perfect.....in fact I am sure if my husband was to start his own blog talking about his marriage to me then I am sure many people would be questioning whether or not he should even stay with me. lol.

See I am just writing my experience as it happens or as I remember it, but I am writing it from my perspective. My husband might have a whole different spin on things. That's what a marriage is......two different people seeing things from two different views and just trying to play along. My husband alhamdulillah does fear Allah, as do I. Does he always obey Allah? No.....and neither do I all the time because I am human, but do we fear Him? Heck YES!!!

My husband is a religious man. Yes he has his faults, but he tries his best to please Allah (swt). Here are some examples. My husband masha Allah prays fajr in Jama3a and tries his best to pray all five prayer in the masjid in jama3a. My husband does not deal in riba (interest) at all. My husband is honest when it comes to his work and even if he can lie and make more money his fear of Allah prevents him from doing that. My husband does not hang out with his many friends....My husband goes from masjid, to work, to home. My husband alhamdulillah loves his kids and has raised four girls that are not even biologically his and treats them as if they were his own. My husband is not too proud to admit when he is wrong and will apologize if he wrongs you. My husband spoils his wife.... or wives and is very affectionate with them. He calls several times a day to make sure we are ok and do not need anything. My husband has been coming to my house to pick up my girls whether it is my day or not to take my girls to school which is across the street so I wouldn't have to wake up the little ones and take them along and if he is not able to do it then he will find me someone who will. He is a hard worker and starts his day from after fajr and doesn't get home until after maghrib.....sometimes even after Isha. He fears Allah in his treatment of both Lisa and I and Masha Allah as I tell everyone.....If there is any man that I have seen be just as far as polygyny goes.....it is alhamdulillah my husband. I can go on and on, but you get my point. If you think this is all good then please say Masha Allah. It is for Allah's sake that he is this way.

I never meant to make him look bad. If he wasn't a good man then I wouldn't be wanting him all for myself. If he wasn't a good man then I wouldn't be missing him like crazy. If he wasn't a good man then I wouldn't be wishing he was with the kids more often. It is because he is a good man that I was so hurt by his wanting another wife. To be quite honest my husband spoils me more than I deserve. He begged me to give him the affection that he needed so he would never want to get another wife....He always told me I was all he wants and all he needs. His requests were so easy to fulfill, but I didn't know how to open up and trust him because I had been hurt too many times. Well look at what happened.....I ended up creating what I feared to happen, but as a muslimah I say,"Qadar Allah wa ma sha fa3ala." It was just meant to be and Allah wants me with this man and Allah wants to test me and make sure that I appreciate him. I think I appreciate him now more than I ever did when it was just me and him, but then again recently he has changed for the better in a lot of ways.

My husband and I got into a serious discussion and he asked me if he was lacking when it comes to providing for me, or giving me what I want or need. He bends over backwards to accommodate me and yet I have all this pride in me that won't let go of his marriage to her. He tells me that this is from shaytan and to stop listening to him. I told him that he didn't understand how it feels to not be able to compete with Lisa. I told him, "I can't compete with her no matter what." All her time is just for him. She can be the wife that he wants and he needs at any time, but I am not able to because I have other people to tend to. He told me that I was not in a competition with her and that he would never compare me to her. He reminded me that as mad as he's gotten at me and as big of fights as we have gotten into he never said you don't do this and she does that. That is true.....He has never mentioned her in that way to me. As a matter of fact he tries his best not to mention her at all to avoid any fitnah. So he reassured me in his own way that I am special to him and to stop pushing him away and I told him that I needed his constant reassurance because shaytan will always be on my back.

Before this talk we were growing sooooooo far apart. We barely talked, we felt awkward and uncomfortable around one another and sometimes didn't even sleep in the same bed, but alhamdulillah we had a wonderful night together last night and I really realize that I am truly blessed to have him in my life. Lisa is my friend and he is also my friend and I don't want to throw those friendships away. We all have our faults and we all make mistakes. This blog is not to bad mouth my husband or to gossip about him. This blog is to remind myself of what I have been through, what I am going through, and insha Allah later I will be able to see in which way I progressed in my life. This is my space to vent when I am sad, angry or insecure so maybe a lot of the things I say will not be very positive, but then again you will see the other side too when I pick myself up from the pity party and get my eman boost and start to see things in a positive light. This is your space to learn from my experience, my weaknesses, my strengths and insha Allah maybe...just maybe something that I say will strike you in some way and I might be a source of comfort. There is ease after polygyny walhamdulillah. Our goal in this life is to please Allah (swt) and I ask for His forgiveness if I have wronged my husband, myself, Lisa or anyone else in this blog by this blog. I will continue to blog though because I hope my experiences will eventually be of benefit to someone, somewhere out there.


lobna-om elzooz elazooz said...

sis, even thought i've never met u, but ur words entered my heart..i'll always pry for u..and i know that Allah will always be with u, strenght u cus u r a good woman, mom and wife mashallah. if alot woman starte to think like u, i think this world would be a better place..sometimes i feel sad when i read some of the comments that people leave for u! but everytime i keep reading ur blog, u amaze me mashallah with ur answers. I didnt know that ur husband have been raising UR KIDS!!MASHLALH that's amazing..who will do that now days!!MASHALLAH...it was so nice to hear about his good characters mashaallh...if he is this good plz don't push him. its fantastic that he actully opened up to u and told u so!!
i pry for u and ur husband and family..i pry that Allah will strength u and guide u to whatever is best for u all...
best wishes:)
Lobna,ur muslim sis:

latifah said...

Assalamu Alaykum,

Dear sister,

Please only take the good from this comment and leave the bad, of course, that goes without saying (and hopefully you will find some good in it).

It seems you feel bad about writing in your blog.
you said:
"I feel extremely guilty about that..."

There is nothing wrong with that realization.

What is telling is that it comes across as though you feel shame for even having the feelings that you have. You are entitled to your feelings. Perhaps sharing them on a blog that is accessible to others is not the best way to deal with the marriage problems. People will give you their opinions even if they are not what you want to hear and the opinions may or may not always be sound.

You have done nothing wrong by your husband's actions to take on another wife. It was difficult for you and your children, and it was not your choice, it was his. In other words, why do you feel that he took on another wife because you were bad?
"He begged me to give him the affection that he needed so he would never want to get another wife..."

Your sense of self-worth should not depend solely on what your husband or even a whole bunch of anonymous bloggers comment, or think of you. It seems that your sense of self-worth has truly taken a beating by his taking of another wife.
"I am faaaaaaaaar from perfect.....in fact I am sure if my husband was to start his own blog talking about his marriage to me then I am sure many people would be questioning whether or not he should even stay with me. lol."
"So he reassured me in his own way that I am special to him and to stop pushing him away and I told him that I needed his constant reassurance because shaytan will always be on my back."

All Muslims should seek to correct our mistakes. Realizing that speaking ill of your husband was not appropriate and trying to clarify things to your readers and asking forgiveness to Allah is a very humbling and beautiful thing to do, but insha'Allah, you can still have your feelings, and you can still be upset and dissatisfied with your marriage. It might not be a good idea to make your intimacies public though.

But yet you are confused as to whether you should still talk about it on your blog.
"we felt awkward and uncomfortable around one another and sometimes didn't even sleep in the same bed, but alhamdulillah we had a wonderful night together last night and I really realize that I am truly blessed to have him in my life..."

Ultimately, you have the answer to your own problem. As far as I am concerned, I only wish I could get the same forgiveness from any people I may have hurt in my life.
"Our goal in this life is to please Allah (swt) and I ask for His forgiveness if I have wronged my husband, myself, Lisa or anyone else in this blog by this blog. "

Sister, please allow yourself to have your feelings. Don't worry about what our advice is or what we think. As you said, it is pleasing Allah that matters. Perhaps you can benefit from talking to an imam or a marriage counselor, or someone from your family. Even if you keep writing on your blog, you will always withhold your true feelings to an extent and you need to deal with the feelings that you have honestly if you need to move on to a better place for you, your husband, and your children. Face your feelings head on and then go from there. Don't suppress your feelings because that will not help you move forward.

Your repentance shows that you are a fine Muslimah even though sometimes you second guess yourself.

sister in uk said...

Assalamualaikum sister,
Pray that you are in the best of health, inshallah. How are you coping with the pregnancy?

Sister, i don't think anyone was trying to put you down in anyway. As i have said before, only you know your husband well enough to decide what kind of a person he is. I can tell you from my own experience, that my father treats my mother really badly - we know it, and some other people know it. But my mother doesn't know it. No matter what happens, she won't leave him (even though she has every right to). Now we can see it because we are looking at it from the outside, but my mother prefers to stay put, mainly because of her insecurity. She has alot more to loose. Now when someone has invested years of emotions, time and effort into a marriage it is very hard to look at things objectivly.
The comments,opinions and advice that have been posted are from sisters that are genuinely concerned about you and your children. You are tangled up with emotions, but we can look at it objectivley. Latifah is right, you do need to see a marriage councillor, there is so much at stake here.

If you use this blog as a way of coping with the stress, then keep going, inshallah. But if you find it starts to interfere too much, then do what is right. But remember one thing, i cannot thank you enough for letting us into your life. I personally have been affected by your journey through life. And have not stopped making dua for you since i came across you. Again, your story has made me cry so many times, because it flooded back the memories of my personal journey. I never thought i would see the light at the end of the tunnel, but when i came through that tunnel, Allah has blessed me more, something i thought i wouldn't ever see - a pious and loving husband. Allhamdulillah, thank you very much for coming into my life and enriching me. May Allah forgive us, and shower us with His mercy, and bless us beyond our imagination. Ameen

mizazeez said...

assalaamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh ukhti. i got your comment over at my blog. masha'Allah ukhti, i love you soooo much fillah and wish for you nothing but what is best. may Allah shower you with much good and repel from you the evil and protect you from the shayateen amongst humans and jinn. Ameen.

remember ukhti, YOU are the one married to your husband. nobody in the blog world is with you day-in and day-out and nobody can tell you what you should and shouldn't do as regards your marriage. people can make suggestions of what they think you need to do, but wallaahi adheem ukhti Allah knows best and after that, you know best. you know what you have shared and what you haven't shared. you know what may have been unbalanced or a little exaggerated. you know where you were at when you wrote what and where you are at now. you know because it's your life and your marriage. don't forget that.

love ya,

egianqueen said...

As a second wife I would like to comment on your thoughts regarding being in competition. My co-wife and dh have 3 children and I will be having no children, so I am constantly feeling that I am on the short end of the stick because I cannot provide him with any more children. I am not sure that it is any easier being the second wife - I am always worried that he will have second thoughts and rethink his decision and decide I am no longer necessary in his life, after all he has been married for 18 years to his first wife and me for only 4 years, they have soooo much more history and that does worry me. Unfortunately his first wife has opted to treat me like a non existent personage - she is always hoping that I will leave the country never to be seen again. I agree with other's thoughts - your blog is your outlet and I am sure that most of us out here know that there are always two sides to every story and we are just here to let you know that you are not alone in your journey and that the feelings you have are not 'bad' - they are yours therefore they are valid. Good luck on your pregnancy, in shaa allah, you will be blessed with a healthy new spirit to raise.

Anonymous said...

Asalamalaykom Sister Vena,

You know that Islam is a faith of moderation.

Venting is not being in moderation.

And psychologists actually have found that venting your upset and anger doesn't help your stress levels decrease. It actually makes them INcrease.

One reason I stopped blogging about my personal life is that I couldn't keep going on without venting.

So, maybe ask yourself: are there other aspects to your life besides your marriage? I'm guessing: YES! Why not blog about the other parts of who you are? You are more bigger than any problem. You are more than this marriage, or that friendship.

Dear Vena, don't beat yourself up, but do re-vamp who you want to be. You do deserve to be the person you want to be. You are worthy. You are a servant of ALLAH!


Cairogal said...

I think the ability to see balance is always a positive attribute. To step back and say you can see good things is truly respectable and shows a lot of personal growth. Still, one great deception has the ability to shatter the core of a relationship and one's faith, regardless of how devout a person behaves or how strictly they follow their religious dogma.

I haven't gone back to re-read your blog, Vena, but I thought that your husband had married this other woman covertly. There were some other contentious details that I can't recall. I'm not trying to imply that your husband is 'x', only that you were the victim of deception and that's a hard pill to swallow for anyone. It takes time to forgive and to heal. If this blog has helped you do just that, then I think it's a good thing.

OmAbd said...

Assalamu Alaikum Dear Sister: You have done what few do. You recognized your mistake and are correcting it. Although you seemed more merciful towards your husband's mistakes that I could have been--you were upset by them and said so. Some would say that is backbiting but only Allah's knows. You are looking at and pointing out his good points which is good for all. May Allah keep you strong and bless you. You are an inspiration to many of us. Baraka Allahu Feekee! Assalamu Alaikum, OMabdurRahman

Anonymous said...

Assalamu Alaikum Dear Sister;

I came across your blog yesterday and haven't been able to stop reading; all i can say is your a kind and sweet person Masha Allah; and you are an amazing example. You are the kind of person who always try’s to forgive; a person who attempts to find her own faults and rectify them; and a person with a huge heart.

Insha Allah I will always try to remember you and your family in my du'as.

Whatever you choose to do I am sure it will be the right decision.
But please don't disappear of the blog completely; I'd miss you!

Assalamu Alaikum

Anonymous said...


ISLAM is NOT a faith of moderation.

IF you belive otherwise you are a Moron. No wonder you women are rotting away in polygynous marriage. No I dont feel sorry for you. You are closet perverts. Crying of injustice etc but still cant let go of the flithy practice of polygyny, of Islam itself. Bloody perverts. LOL.

houzie said...

Dear Vena... I truly understand why you created this blog. Every women needs her space to vent. Recently, my husband has met a girl he wants to marry as his second wife. She is much younger and like you, i feel so weird having to face this. I grew up in a modern monogamous family but growing up, life has thought me alot about adultery and many other sins. I know this is my takdir.. I would love if we could share our worries as i need all the support i can get from someone with experience. Thank you.. May Allah protect and bless you and your family...