Thursday, February 15, 2007

Man O' Man am I glad to be back.....again! I had to go through 323 e-mail messages today, so you can imagine I haven't been online at all for a while. Let me update you on the new developments. I had a a small scare a few days after my last post. I had to go to the emergency room because I started bleeding and thought I was possibly miscarrying. I know it is normal for some women to bleed while pregnant, but not for me alhamdulillah. I have had four kids and never bled, but alhamdulillah it was a false alarm and nothing to worry about. I have been extremely sick though. I was nautious and weak and needed a lot of help. I am anemic so it makes things all the more difficult. Then imagine adding the responsiblities that come with four kids under the age of 7 so! Fun!! Ya Allah I needed so much help. Another thing is that my husband started working until 7 rather than coming home around 4 and usually he doesn't actually make it home till about 8:30 p.m. Alhamdulillah though I have good friends who tried to help me as much as they could and my husband too alhamdulillah. One of those friends is Lisa. Masha Allah she came and helped me a few times now that she quit her job. Honestly I was expecting her to come more often, but hey alhamdulillah for anything. She is not obligated to help me in any way, but she did. She took me to go get insurance and to the doctor alhamdulillah. Even my husband masha Allah has been super great in trying to help me out. I am getting better now, but to be honest I am emotionally drained.With everything from the past year, the stresses from every day life and the pregnancy I feel worn out. I feel depressed a lot.....probably more to do with hormones, but I am still very overwhelmed and need much more help and support then people are able to give me. Because of this I have decided to move to the city where my mom lives which is 3 and a half hours from here. Insha Allah I plan to move after the girls' school is over with at the end of may. I originally planned on moving after the baby was born, but my lease is over with in may as well so I might as well go and spend the summer there too. My husband and I do plan to stay married insha Allah and he will come to see us whenever he has the chance. Being around my mom is a good influence on the kids (they are happier there), My mom is a great Iman booster for me (which is something I desperately need), and the town is quiet and safe. My husband doesn't really need me anymore. Lisa does everything and more. I feel sad a lot of the times because I see her taking better care of him than I am able to. Yeah I know it's easier for her because she doesn't have any children, but still. It hurts me because it makes me feel as if she is the wife and I am ........hmmmmmmm.....I don't know what I am. Sometimes I feel I am just here so he can see the kids, but even now he doesn't see them very often so it doesn't make a difference whether I stay or go. Honestly family is important for me and the environment in which my kids live. I think we will be happier there. I am making istikhara though and my husband seems to be ok with it because he sees the points I am making. I need the help and although he tries it honestly isn't enough. I can't do it alone. I feel as if I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I need to be by my mother. I need her and she needs me so Insha Allah we'll see what happens. At least I can try to have some stability in my life because right now there is none.


PM said...

Oh Vena,

I am so sorry to hear this. From all I have seen a pregnancy added to a stressful polygynous marriage doesn't act so much as glue for the marriage as many women seem to expect it to. Instead it adds an almost unbearable burden; but burdens often bring joy, as well, and this is particularly trye of babies. I pray you will know great joy and a lighter burden when you move and your mom helps you care for your family.

I suspect there is more to this story, since you now have the feeling that Lisa fills your husbands needs and desires, and are willing to move so far from him. I guess you will share it in time if you want. But even if you never do, I wish more women could learn from our expereinces and avoid the pain and misery we have had to live through.

Love to you Vena and Salaam Alaikum,

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

'My husband doesn't really need me anymore.' That comment broke my heart. Insha'Allah you and your mother will have a wonderful time and with you gone....I am sure that yout hubby will realize how much he really does need you. Lisa may be taking over the regular every day duties that are easier with out kids but he needs you for different reasons. Just take it easy and may Allah make it easy for you.

UmmAbdurRahman said...

I'm saddened by this post as well. It seems like your husband is having all the fun while you have all of the work. This is one of the reasons why I would rather be single my entire life than be in a polygamous marriage. I don't feel that it is fair that he gets to have extra fun and extra happiness in his life while you get extra work and extra saddness in his absence.

To me, it seems that he chose his own happiness and "rights" over the rights of his family. Polygamy is a choice, an option...not an obligation. I am also upset that his not wanting to do haraam took him away from his family and possibly causing him to do haraam to you and your kids. Remember when our prophet told us to fast if we cannot get married. If you arent tending to the children and wife that you have then you should not be going to get anymore of them.

I'm sorry, Im not trying to be harsh but it really truly hurts me to read that muslimahs are living in such a situation. Allah says that we were created in pairs, men and women, so that we may find comfort in eachother. I don't see much of that here.

Anonymous said...


How did I know I would see a new posting from you, on my last day of blogging? :)

I was getting into the sadness of this posting and the comments. I was agreeing with the idea of pregnancy adding more issues.

THEN I turned around a saw my wacko baby lying on the table, with his head inside the dollhouse. He had found something new to suck (and not even a choke hazard). I laughed so hard.

So, the lesson?

God throws you some whammies but also some butterflies. Figure out what you have to catch and what you only have to watch and enjoy.

Inshahallah, this new soul in your belly will make you laugh from your bones. Mine does. Mashahallah.

Inshahallah, your mommy will make you yummy food and rub your feet. And you will be able to be weak in her care until you are able to be strong again. SHE is the one who you should count on from now on. She loves you and you can trust her.

Inshahallah, your other children will grow straighter under your renewed strength. Do what you can for THEM. You will be held accountable for their iman, not for your husband's.

Inshahallah, you will be able to look back, a year from now and feel proud of the choices you made.

May Allah show you your right to dignity and may you find your hidden powers that you have blessed with, but not yet used. Ameen.

sister in uk said...

Its so good to hear from you again.
Pray that your kids are all in good health.
I totally agree with ummabdurahman's views. Your husband may have wanted to avoid commiting the haram, and thats why he has taken on a second wife. But what's to say that you won't turn to haram ways because he isn't looking after your needs? i am just giving an example. I can't judge your husband, only you know him well enough to do that. But it seems to me that he has forgotten that he HAS to treat both wives equally.
I do know of instances where wives have turned to haram , because the husbands are not giving them their due rights. But the wider picture is much more sad - broken families. Where i am from there is alot of that happening.

You probably know all this, and with your stress and worries i'll just stop here.

As i'm writing this i've got tears in my eyes. I may not know you personally, but the fact that you are going through hard times and especially in your condition just breaks my heart. May Allah (swt) give you and all sisters in your position strength.

Can i ask something? What arranegments have you made in terms of your children?

Safa said...

I read this post with tears in my eyes as well....I remember my own feelings not too long ago, and desperately wanting to be closer to my mother....

My heart breaks reading this....but I know the hurt and pain that ur going I try to shake myself to recover from my own.....May Allah help you, Vena...ameen.

Only you know ur path choices....and Allah will lead the way.....

Organic-Muslimah said...

Allah with you Vena. I wish you happiness.

And hopefully we all learn from these valuable experiences.

OmAbd said...

Assalamu Alaikum, May Allah ease your pain. Look to those less fortunate than you--that is all I can say. I too am moving at the end of the school semester. I convinced my husband to wait to get the second wife til I was gone and to divorce me as well. I look to the good points for comfort. He is waiting, he will support me even after the divorce [for the sake of his son], and I will be back with my family as well. Life is continuous change and we must learn how to adapt and be patient. Allah only knows what is best for us all so we must trust in him. I will remember you in my prayers. Always look for the good and look forward to being close to family again. I love you for the sake of our sisterhood in Islam. Take care of yourself. Assalamu Alaikum, OmAbdurRahman

sister in uk said...

I just wanted to post this article, which i thought is relevant to the topic:

Shaykh Asharaf Ali Thanwi said, commenting on the above verse:

“Brothers! when Allah has ordained these rights for women, then who can change them.

If a man fails to fulfill these rights, he will be guilty of not upholding the rights of the creation. Man should ponder over how Allah has interceded on behalf of women in the above verse.

While there may be many reasons for being displeased with one’s wife, the main reason is usually bad character—this becomes a source of grief for the husband.

Nevertheless, Allah has promised that even this bad character can become a means of attaining goodness—for He is All-wise and capable of doing anything. For example, she could bear you children who become the means of your salvation come qiyamah. Just ponder over how clearly the rights of women are emphasized in the above Qur’anic verse.”

Please stay in touch sister.

musulmana said...

Assalamu Aleikum wa Rahamtulahi wa Barakatuhu,

I linked here through Safa's blog.

Two posts ago, you said, "5. I recenty found out that Lisa and my husband have been trying to have a baby for the past 4 months. WHAT THE H*** are they thinking??? Shouldn't he be emotionally and physically able to be there for another child. Has he been capable with his other children? NO!!! Take care of the ones you got buddy before you go and make some more."

I was a little shocked to see your new situation.

I am truly sorry that your husband is not there for you.

I have a friend (was a close friend for 20 years since before my conversion) who had always worked. Even had her first child taken care of by her MIL so that she could keep working(per her husband's request). When she got pregnant the second time (with triplets), her family income was cut in half and there came a point that she could work no longer. My point: we all thought (including the friend in question) that her husband would not be able to deal with all the responsibility. But he did. He helps her around the house, took an extra job, lost weight, and exercised so he could be more energetic, had his mom stay over their house to help his wife 5 days out of the week, and his dad contributed with funds. His brother and his brother's wife also offer help in terms of friendship and what not.

They aren't Muslim, but he stepped up to the bat. My friend never thought she was going to have that many kids (and the triplets came naturally, no drugs, they were looking for a singleton pregnancy)! She still has days where it is hard for her, and had her husband not stepped up she would have found herself in difficulties.

Because of all the support he gives her, his work IS his social life as well. He gives everything else he has to his wife, kids, and mom and dad who are supportive.

I know everyone's path is different, and I wish these friends I speak of were Muslim. But Alhamdulillah, you and your husband ARE Muslim. I just don't see why some brothers don't take FULL responsibility of ONE wife and kids before they go and find more responsibilities. More responsibilities don't necessarily make people happier, wealthier, or more inclined to earn good deeds. Wa Allahu Alim. It seems it gets harder.

If having one child is a lot of responsibility, having 2 is double, and so on.

I am not blaming you. Actually, I think I am blaming your husband! LOL. But blaming is easy, and it doesn't fix anything. My advice to you (if you want to take it) is not to blame yourself. You CAN'T do everything yourself. You sound like you are putting your kids well-being before your own and that is a beautiful sign. There are many hadiths that speak of a mother's sacrifice towards her children as being deserving of Jennah.

Don't get depressed, don't dwell on it. Your husband is slacking off BIG TIME. having another wife doesn't mean that you are not there for your kids. Wa Allahu Alim.

Focus on yourself, your kids, and as for your marriage, time will tell. I wouldn't dwell on it too much as you are going through a difficult pregnancy (number 5 and some bleeding sounds like no time to rest).

Wishing you much blessings and be a strong Muslim woman. Let your husband worry about what it means to be a strong Muslim man.

I hope I wasn't hurtful.

UmmBadier said...

I've been on the base here in Alaska. Subhanallah it amazes me that our paths really have crossed.
I think you have a very generous/selfless nature Vena. I think you over look people's flaws very easily. This can be a very good quality masha Allah as we should make excuses for each other and be forgiving. But we should also tie up our camel and we should be aware of other people's you know what I mean? It's almost like putting others above letting people walk all over you. We aren't supposed to steal from anyone or oppress anyone and we shouldn't let them do that to us either.
I think it's odd that Lisa waived her right to maintenance so that your husband could marry her in the first place and now that you are pregnant and will need more money and well time certainly too, now she quits her job. Don't you think that's weird?
I'm glad you said...Honestly I was expecting her to come more often...I think back to the sheik telling you that you did te procees backwards, first you forgave then you were angry...I also remember you recently wrote that your husband never lies...well, I can think of at least 2 times you have written here that he did.
Uhkti, I was really depressed this last pregnancy and I really want you to know that I am not meaning to bash you here.
I want you to know that people are FLAWED, alhumdiallah and you don't have to make up for their short comings...and I'm rambling because my kids..well you know.
Inshallah, you and your mom will have some really good times together and you will continue to grow in the deen and I love you for the ake of Allah Uhkti (and your hubby and Lisa too ;)...and I think of you while I drive around government hill and I'll make dua for you inshallah....hey, when we gonna know what your having?!

H.O.P.E said...

vena..I'm really glad that you're back and doing well alhamdullah. Congratulations on ur pregnancy. But I am really sad about how u feel about ur husband. Inshallah once you're by your mother it will help put things in perspective for you and I'm pretty sure for him too. Don't forget, you were #1 and always will be. He married you for a reason and in time he will recall that reason and inshallah come back to you begging :)

The important thing now is for you to take care of urself and ur unborn child and being by your mother will give you the peace of mind you need, coz that's what mothers are for :)

May Allah give you the peace and reassurance you need.

Good luck!

Salafi said...

As salaam 'alaikum

I have been reading many blogs about polygany and I need some advice

I will most likely end up in a polygany marriage as a second wife, but after reading blogs I'm worried to cause such pain to my sisters

I'm really confused about the whole thing

If any of you sisters could add me to msn and speak with me I would be really grateful

Jazakillah khair

Hasnah said...

So now that Lisa quit her job will he be providing for her fully? Just wondering?

UmmAbdurRahman said...

What I find the most disturbing about this situation, and by this situation I mean your husband, is that I see a patternl.

He was married to his first American wife and behind her back married you and lied and told you he was single. STRIKE ONE!

When you were his only wife Lisa was invited into your home to live. They became close and got married behind your back and they lived in the same house as you. STRIKE TWO!

And now i see him doing the same thing to you as he did to his first wife. He went and got a new one to have some fun totally forgetting the other wife and kids. STRIKE THREE!

THREE STRIKES you're out brother.

this is the problem i have with so called religious people. Excersising their "rights" while not fully giving others theirs. I have to say, and wallahi I am not trying to be too rude, but if i see you mention that he is religious ever again I will barf. Seriously!

I can't find very much in his actions that have been presented on this blog to make a good case for him being any kind of a good muslim.

I do hope that your time at your mom's is pleasant and easygoing. I truly think you deserve at least that.

sister in uk said...

ummabdurrahman, you've said exactly what i was thinking. I just didn't want to mention it in case it offended sister vena in anyway. It seems to me that he just wants to enjoy himself, without being held responsible for his actions. Because he got away with it once, he can get away with it again.
When i read that he married sis vena whilst still being married to the first, but then telling her the marriage was over.....the alarm bells started ringing then. If he is as religious as what he seems to be - why lie?
Did you know, that the fire of Jahanam will be started by the imams and preachers who did not practice what they preached?

Hasnah said...

I two wanted to point that out.As women we often think that the man will treat us different but it seldom is the case.He did that to the first wife and then you. Thats just what he does and won't hesitate to do it. And you know what if you two get divorced he will more than likely do that to Lisa too and Allaah knows best.

Soul Scripture said...

SubhanAllah sis vena ur in ma dua'as.

Allah give u sabr, grant you the best of health and the best of the dunya and akhirra. Ameen

Muslim Flower said...

Salam alaikum, May Allah help you to be strong sister. Salam alaikum