Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I have a confession to make......yes I am friends with Lisa and all, but I do not like her being with my step kids without me being there. That might sound strange to a lot of you, but that's the truth. I am very territorial when it comes to them. Yes they are not my kids. Yes they are her step kids too. Yes she has a right to have relationships with them as well, but I can't help my feelings. I guess in a way I feel that because I have to share my husband, I am not willing to share my kids and step kids too.

They always assure me that I don't ever have to compete with her as far as they are concerned because I will always be #1 to them, but deep down it still bothers me and I am insecure about it. I confess that since they came back I kindda have detered them from going to her house or for them to be with her without me there. The strangest part is that I invite her over when they are with me so her and her son can be with them, but maybe I did it so she can see how close they are to me. Maybe I did it to validate myself. Maybe I did it to show her that I am important in my husband's life. There are lots of reasons I probably did it.

Yeah yeah.....I know what ya'll are thinking. Bad Vena, but at least I am being honest about it. I recognized what I was doing and I recognized that I was wrong so this weekend I let go of my ego and I apologized to my hubby for being that way and I dropped the boys off to spend Sunday with my hubby, Lisa and her son. Hey that was a big deal until I realized that it really wasn't a big deal and it didn't take anything away from me.....if anything I think my husband respects me more for it because he understands how hard it was for me. I didn't mind her being with the entire family if I was there. Isn't that bad??? I know it is. I can admit that it is wrong. I guess I felt that I had to be there to watch what was going on, but I'm glad that I let go of that way of thinking.

I am not that kind of person. I am nobody to go trying to control people's lives, feelings or who they do or don't get close to. I am not a dictator.....I am their friend. Even though they call me their evil step mother (haha) I know they love me and I love them and I want what's best for them as I do for my own kids. I decided that what I wanted was for the kids to spend time with their dad and if that means that they will have to be with him and her....without me, then so be it. Who am I to stand in the way? Right???? Right. So cut me some slack cause I got it on my own.

8 comments:

JamilaLighthouse said...

Alhamdulillah you are very self-reflective and you act to work on your shortcomings...many people don't even try and analyse their own behaviour. This is one of the things that i think is good about being in a polygynous marriage because it really does make you look at the rubbish in yourself (i'm not referring to u!). this is why women who try to make it work may end up getting more out of it spiritually than men, because we have so many feelings to work through....so many people don't see it though, they just see the acceptance as resignation and low self-esteem.
on another issue, do you know what our rights are regarding our own kids being around the other wife, can we refuse to let them interact?

Queenie said...

vena..im so proud of u. u have a big heart and i respect that. if u have time read Honorary arabs latest post. it kinda deal with what u talking about here.

ummukatheer said...

as salaamualaikum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakaatuh, vena wow i wish we could talk on email or something lol. I really agree with what u said on polgamy lovers blog and her dhs blog. I actually know both of them (the sisters)personally from my homestate. U know what also people think bc we(me and dh) have a pretty interesting life by ourselves and we r happy then why would my dh need another one? Well he just wanted it for himself for his own reasons and he got it, and of course everything is not a bed of roses when reality comes crashing down.But anyway, about ur post lol, I am soo like that, i dont let my children around the other one, and I too feel its kinda possesive and thinking someone else might be trying to take my mommy role, whick obviously they cant. But u know the other thing that I feel about that is that I dont want my kids to accidently say something on behalf of the other wife, that might unintentionally hurt my feelings, or let me in their business. I keep to myself really and am a private person so vice versa wouldnt want her knowing things about me or my home via my children. Some women do use the kids to play games with the other wife, or again there are unintentional things said or done which end up causing hurt. This is why i prefer my kids to always be with me, plus the other wife doesnt have children, never married before marrying my dh so Im almost sure it would not help to see his children in her face reminding her that he had a life with me for so long and the children an evidence of that. Allahu Alim.

Honorary Arab said...

Asalamalaykom Vena,

I think that the difference is you're talking about the kids from marriage #1 (your stepkids) and not your own. You have all kinds of rights about your own kids, but none about these other kids. You know that, but felt differently and I understand. But, examining what feels badly is a good step to feeling better. Enshahallah, when you let the relationships flow it will feel better than squeezing them dry. Thanks for sharing the ways you aren't perfect in your Islam, but are striving to fix, as I need to surround myself with those who strive for the blessings of Allah

vena said...

As salamu alikum sisters....Jazakum Allah khair for all of your comments. Ummkatheer I would love to chat with you if you'd like. E-mail me at venaacosta@yahoo.com and then I will tell you which e-mail to add to messenger. I have both yahoo and msn. This goes for anyone else who would like to chat....only women of course. Take care. Fi amman Allah.

H.O.P.E said...

Assalamu alaikum vena..

I must applaud you for your courage and your selfless acts. This is actually my first time commenting since I just recently joined the ranks of the world of bloggers. But I have been following your blogs for a while now and truly admire how you have in your own way managed to overcome your tough situation. I am also married and I sometimes wonder what I would do if my husband ever married another. I don't know if I have your strength especially with having to help raise step-children along with your own. You are truly a great role model.
May Allah always keep you at peace of mind.

vena said...

As salamu alikum sis W.O.W Jazaki Allah khair for your comment, it was very sweet. May Allah never test you with what I am being tested with, but if it happens then ask Allah to give you acceptance in your heart.

Queenie said...

vean i agree with W.O.W. u are a role model. im sure u have made a difference in many peoples lives without realising it.