So this is it. Not only is this going to be my last entry, but this is the day where my husband and I decide to hang in there or call it quits. This past month or so has been horrible. Full of trials and heart break, but alhamdulillah for everything. I am ok and Insha Allah I will continue to be ok. I will make Istikhara before we meet and will go according to what I feel. So far things point to divorce.
In the past few weeks we have been separated I have seen a side of my husband that shocks me. I never thought that he would resort to some of his tactics, but he did. Who knows why Allah lets certain things take place? I will make Istikhara and just rely on Allah.
He has made a list of conditions and so have I. We will both be given the chance address these issues and if we cannot come to an agreement than we will just have to agree to disagree and move on. I wish things could be civil, but it doesn't look like it will be that way. Anyways insha Allah I will be ok with whatever decision I make.
For now I have decided to quit blogging. Originally I started writing to serve as a healing process. I wanted to write my emotions down and sort them. It helped a lot and I came out of my misery slowly, but surely. I tried not to backbite my husband and co-wife, but obviously I have failed in that. I have told my husband about my blog and he is aware that I write it and has never asked me to take it off, but Lisa might not like all of this being written about and exposed to people all over the net. I do not want her to have anything against me on the Day of Judgment. I will be accountable in front of Allah as will she for what she does.
Besides you have only read MY side of the story from MY perspective, but do not forget that Lisa and my husband also have their own sides and own perspectives. Who knows maybe if they were to write about me from their vision you would hate me. I wouldn't like it if they blogged about me so I must not do it either. Everyone has their point of view and it would not be fair for me talk about our business without them being given a fair chance to defend themselves.
So this is it. Subhan Allah I had always felt that I was doing something wrong when my blogs started to become more about my anger rather than my trying to work things out. I wanted people to see the positives in polygyny. Maybe it is not possible nowadays because our eman is weak and we cannot withstand such a test. I don't know. All I know is that I have to say Jazaki Allah kul khair to the person who pointed out to me that maybe my blog is one of the reasons I am going through this test. Maybe I should not expose my family in this way. How can I ask Allah to be with me if I disobey him?
In the beginning, I justified writing because no one that read my blog knew me or my husband or Lisa personally, but hey.....word gets around and shaytan adds a hand and there you have it.....several people from my community have come to learn about my blog and read it. I do not want them to judge just based on what I say or how I feel.....This is my vision and who is to say whether or not it's the truth or distorted truth? It really doesn't matter though because it is my life and I have to live it in the end. I need to get over this pity party and get it back together. Insha Allah all will be well and I will update insha Allah without major details to let you know how I am doing. If things take a good turn you never know....I may return, but with a less personal approach. Thanks to all of you who supported me and were there for me. I hope that at least someone somewhere got any good advice that worked for them insha Allah. Fi amman Allah.
Sincerely your sister in Islam.......Vena
41 comments:
Dear Vena,
Just for the record I think the majority of us realize we are only getting your side and while we may offer advice based on what you recount to us, we know there may be other realities that might affect that advice. I personally don't judge Lisa or your husband based on their desire to be married. If they love each other, who would I be to say that he has to be with you and only you? What I do say, however, is that a man who thinks he is entitled to polygyny needs to be an outstanding man. Being a husband and father to multiple wives and children is a demanding job and not for the easily tired, rattled or impatient.
That said, I do think your blog has highlighted the fact that you are very confused about your marriage and all the people within that marriage. I do believe that the only real problem is that you are hearing responses from your readers that you don't want to hear. And if that is the case, then you certainly shouldn't blog (or can blog but not allow comments).
When all is said and done I think you will stay in this marriage until you hit bottom and start to build your self-esteem, and I don't think that point has been reached yet. That makes me sorry for you but at the same time I know that the most powerful lessons are learned from first-hand experience. And those of us who care about you will be here when/if you need us in any way. I really hope you will consider getting some counseling to work on "Vena" issues. It can make a dramatic difference.
Love,
PM
Assalam alikum Sister Vena. I used to read your blog and was really looking forward to seeing how things turn out for you. I think that its the right decision to not write too much about your husband and Lisa because it leads to backbiting which is bad. At the same time I really want you to keep us informed about what happened with you. Like you said, not a lot of detail just the outcomes. I really want to know how things will work out for you.
Also I want you to know that you have this very good quality that when you here good advice you try to follow it and change yourself. It shows your humility :)
Amna
Sweetiepie,
I've been a lurker here for a long time and never commented. I'll miss you and your posts.
Hoping for the best possible outcome for you and your children.
Peace.
Delta Juliet Sierra
May Allah continue to guide you, give you strength to deal with whatever comes your way, and have mercy on you and your children. Ameen. All the best to you and your loved ones, sister.
Assalmau Alaikum sis
I pray that Allah gives you all whats best for you....and only HE knows what that is.May he give you Emaan, strength, patience, and guidance. I pray that your situation will come out for the best for you ALL. I think your decision about leaving your blog is a good one.....as much as I will miss reading it. PLEASE though, update us as to whether you stay together or not...and please dont go into your meeting expecting to have a huge argument or a divorce, go in with no expectations, pray istaqara and try to keep in mind Allah is watching you all there.
Asalamlayakom Dearest Sister-Friend Vena Habibti,
I feel for you. As you know, I've been in the same conversation as you are in now.
I agree with your decision to stop blogging for now and not to be so personal. Living your life via committee is near impossible. How can you make the best decisions when there's a constant din? And you do want the decisions to truly emanate from you and your role as servant of Allah.
This is a sudden turn of events. I worry that it is too sudden. People make rash decisions at 70 mph. Slow down. I don't think you have to do so much so soon. A little over a week ago, you were "boiling." Is that really the person who should be making decisions? Why not call off this meeting until you are more even-keeled.
I truly wish all the blessings from Allah on you and your children, and even on their father and his other wife. May anyone who has been hurt by your writing (or the writing of others in the comments) forgive the writers. May any good that has come from this blog be counted as a good deed in your favor.
Salaam sister vena,
I too feel that your decision is best right now for you and for your family. As wonderful as the support can be from the internet, in reality we do not live your life and of course the advice will be an assortment of such combined with whatever you are going through and of course Shaytan loves the interference and continuation of negativity. So I shall make prayer for you and for your marriage, no matter what the outcome be, I just wanted to thank you for letting me into your life and to be as candid as you are..if it wasn't for YOU, I wouldn't have gotten the courage to post my thoughts and feelings as well.
I shall be thinking of you and your children during this time and please remember to keep a level head as much as possible which you have displayed many times just by me reading your entries.
I will be proceeding with my marriage and will be posting from time to time..but it is true that when you limit the amount of personal information it is much better for all involved and I shall continue to do such with my blogging experience(s).
Insha-Allah we will communicate once again.
Salaam my sister
i dont know if youll read this. ive followed your blog for a while. youve had highs and lows and you gave it the old college try. sister, im happy you decided to pray istikhara...many ppl forget that when they have a huge decision to make like the one youre having to make. inshallah things will turn out the best way for you. i do hope one day youll return and let us know how things are. i pray that youll be ok and that you can get through all of this. let me remind you that we are here reading if you just want to come through and say hi...you dont have to talk about the "others"
Vena.. Will miss you but I understand your decision and support them fully. I truly hope your marriage will survive all these tests and God will reward you greatly by drawing you nearer to Him. I admire the fact that even now when you might be facing divorce you care about Lisa's feelings regarding this blog and whether she will hold anything against you on the day of judgement..
I still think it would be a good idea to print out the pages of this blog and share them with your husband. Regardless of your anger, what really shows from your words is your love for him.
Take care, and I will be looking forward to whatever posting from your part, less personal or not.
Assalamu Alaikum:
May Allah give you what is best for you in this life and in the hereafter and reward you for your pure intention of removing your blog to avoid backbiting. Please remember that with hardship comes ease and that this will all pass and will someday only be a memory. I ask Allah to strengthen you and to keep your iman strong. Look at your little ones--their love is true and strong and they will always be there for you like you are always there for them. Fee Amin Allah, Assalamu Alaikum, Your sister in Islam
I am so sorry things have come to this my heart breaks for you.Ihope by some mircle your family can surrive but in a stronger happier more loving way.You really have a good heart.By the way everyone reading this understands there are other points of view besides your own,and we love you.please write and let us know you are o.k.We love you.
Aww I am sad to see you go but I fully understnad your reasons. Insha'Allah things will get better. Nothing stays the same.....Love ya' like cheese grits.....
Sister, blogging, or anything, where you can pour your heart out, might be useful - don't quit.
Maybe you should make it password-protected, like sister Safa and some other sister,,..or write a diary, between you and yourself, but we all definitely need a place, where we can pour ourselves out, net or anything else, no matter.
And I am sure, many of us love you for the sake of Allah and care about you and want to know about you.
Salaam alayk, please read and reflect, may Allah give you the best. PS; this was written by another sister.
First: Remember, O Wife, that this Life is Home of Tests, Trials, and
Actions. So when you are tested with an infliction, or a disaster or
tragedy befalls you, then be patient and content, and do not object
the Wisdom of Allaah Azza wa Jall (Mighty and Majestic), nor His
Decision nor His Decree, for indeed to Allaah belongs what He Gave
and to Allaah belongs what He took.
And know that the test is a wordly practice (meaning, it always
occurs), and that Allaah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aalaa (May He, the Most
High, be Glorified), when He loves a people He tests them, and
whoever He is pleased with will receive pleasure, and whoever makes
Him angry will receive anger.
Second: Remember the protected Salafee sisters from the Mothers of
the Believers, May Allaah be pleased with them, and those following
them of the righteous female slaves, and comtemplate and closely
examine their condition and their conditions, and how they
accompanied the Prophet Sallallahu 'alayhe wa Sallam.
And know that you, however much you are a devout worshipper or not,
you are not better than them, conditionally, nor in worship, may
Allaah be pleased with them all.
Third: Remember patience and contentness and its reward, and that
from the affairs of the Muslim is patience during trial, and that
will raise you in status. As-Sabr (Patience) and Good Thoughts about
Allaah Azza wa Jall is from the characteristics of al-Muttaqeen (the
Pious), and they are two characteristics that are fitting for you to
be keen about them in a condition like the one you are in.
Fourth: Remember the end result of anxiety, and displeasure about the
Decision of Allaah and His Decree, and beware of the Anger of Allaah
and sin, and refusing the Decision, and uttering words of anguish and
disbelief. And do not give shaytaan a place in your heart or else he
would scatter his poisons and increase animosity, disord, and enmity.
Fifth: Remember your evil deeds, call yourself to account, and learn
lessons from this test that will help you with Obediance, Worship,
Holding on to the Sunnah, Qiyaamul-Layl (the Superogatory Night
prayers), Leaving bid'ah (innovations) , and a lot of Tawbah
(Repentance) , Istighfaar (Seeking forgiveness) , 'Inaabah (turning
repentantly) and Tawakkal (Reliance upon Allaah).
Sixth: Remember that jealousy is a natural characteristic with the
woman, but beware of transgressing the Islaamic Limit, and of
undergoing malice and trials which divide the Muslim Homes and the
Noble Family, and destroy the children.
Seventh: Remember your house, your sons, your daughters, your family,
and your place, and beware of seeking divorce and hasty
disconnection. So after this sacrifice, and this care and fatigue in
building this family, the destruction due to an affliction that
affected you?
Eighth: Remember the time and its blessings, and busy yourself with
reading and memorizing al-Quraan, and preserving the Sunnah and the
Books of Sharee'ah (Islaamic Law), and joining Salafee Sharee'ah
knowledge courses, and presenting advice to the members of your house
and your sisters, and take care of organizing and cleaning your
house, and in protecting your children and raising them righteously
Salafee.
Vena, please listen to PM. She is right.
Vena,
my heart goes to you. the pain that you went through, the words that you chose to express in this blog, brought me tears.
Though i wish that this outcome of marriage would be on a lighter and much happier note, i think this would be more of a testing journey and learning lesson.
i wish you all the best in your future endeavors. i pray for your happiness, good health and iman. may your life, in dunya, be fulfilled in one way or another.
i will dearly miss you because you are one of the bloggers i dearly cherish.
To Allah we return, to Him we belong.
when bitter strikes, smile and tawakal.
Nazira
It's been slmost 2 years with you and I realize, maybe more than some....just where you've been, Vena.
Please remember that you are loved.
And that you will be missed.
May Allah provide the best for you and your family. Even though there have been some harsh comments made by some - don't forget that very many have been making dua for you.
We all understand there are others views to take into account. And i think you have made a wise choice in taking the decision that you have. However, please do keep us updated on how you and the little ones are doing.
Walaikumsalam
As salamu alaikum.
If you have back bited your husband and co-wife in the eyes of Allah its best not to show them what you wrote. It will be as if you are exposing your sins, especially if you've made tawbah. You should delete the previous post or at least make them hidden to the public. May Allah guide you and purify you of your intentions and may He give you the good in this life and in the hereafter. Ameen.
Loving you for the sake of Allah.
As-salamu alaikum
Sister I have been reading you from the very beginning though I dont really note.
I have cried for you and made dua for you.
I hope this isn't the end, I really want to know what happens.
If you ever want someone to talk to email me anytime.
hijabiniqaabi@gmsil.com.
As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu
Sakeena
Assalaamu alaikum, Vena.
I will pray for you and your family inshaAllah. I pray that Allah guides you to what is best for all of you. Ameen.
I understand why you want to take a break from the blogging world - but as the other sisters have said, inshaAllah there is no harm in checking in, letting us know how you're doing, updating your situation, etc., and inshaAllah writing can be a source of healing and serenity for you again, or begin to be as it was meant to be in the first place.
I agree that the details, esp. the stuff about other people & your anger, are best kept to yourself, or a private blog (meant for only your eyes - in order to release you r intense emotion somewhere), for reasons of avoiding backbiting, and to protect privacy and rights of others, etc., as you said.
But inshaAllah let us know how you are, and as someone else said, no need to mention "the others."
:)
May Allah be with you!
As Salaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatuallah,
Subana'Allah I saw the link for this blog on a polygyny group and I tell I could not stop reading Masha'Allah. This would have been an excellent thing for me to do when I was polygyny I think It would have help me to vent. I pray everything works out for you May Allah give you ease Ameen. I can relate to alot of what you say but your situation has very big differences as well. Unless you left out some very horrible things about this marriage based on what you have told I really don't beleive divorce is the answer Allahu Alam
Don't you even know how to close your blog? You probably should, as its contents could potentially be used against you.
Or are you so naive that you haven't even considered that? Are you banking on your husband's and co-wife's "trustworthiness" and integrity?
Silly woman. Your naivete leaves you unprotected. And it has been and continues to be your downfall.
I wish you the best and will peek in every so often in case you have any news.
There is a very good book entitled "From Monogamy to Polygamy: A Way Through" by Um Abdur Rahman Hirschfelder and Umm Yasmeen Rahmaan. It is published by Darussalam and has the ISBN 9960-861-95-3.
Please get a copy and read it.
Your husband and sister wife should read it, too.
Perhaps your imam would read it also?
It is really good!
Wishing you and your family all the best!
Vena,
I wish you all the best. I do hope to see you come back to writing though...but I understand if you don't. I took time away...and then came back...and now just don't really have much time for it. I do occasionally grab the chance to go around to my trusted sisters and that's how I came back here to see, sadly, that you're gone. May Allah give you and your children the best in this life and the hereafter.
WOW!!! I have some serious catching up to do on your blog. I will comment a little later. I am sorry to see things end up this way, but as I am saying a lot these days... IT is what it IS. Keep your head up and keep on praying Insha Allah things will get better.
what happened? I feel disappointed. we rode this roller coaster with you and when it comes to a final point you end it all. Feels very withholding to be honest.
Sorry to see you go, your blog has been an inspiration to me for quite sometime. Insha Allah you will be granted mercy and peace.
Assalaamu alaykum Vena,
May Allah reward you immensely for taking this step for His sake and increase you in strength and pateince, ameen.
Vena, I'd like to get in touch with you on a personal matter. I'm a sister and I run a blog here: http:///www.muslimahbloggerer.wordpress.com.
My email is muslimahbloggerer@gmail.com. Insha'Allah, please do email me at your (earliest) convenience.
Ramadan mubarak sister.
InshaAllah you and the kids are well and safe.
Salaam.
Sometimes I wonder why you left us hanging. Of course it is your blog and stuff but everyone has wondered what happened to you and if things are good. Sometimes I wonder if you quit blogging because you knew you were gonna stay with him and you didn't want to hear all the negative things people were gonna say to you.
People just give advice sis. Its your life after all and no one elses life, even if they don't agree with the abuse you endure. But as I said, its your life and if you want to stay in an abusive relationship then that is up to you.
Vena,
(I just noticed something and will comment on that after I post what I originally planned)
I feel silly and a little out of my element suggesting anything to you considering that you are muslim and I am christian. However, we are both women.
I know I am reading your posts WAY after the fact. In fact, I read your very last post and know you have decided to give up blogging. I hope you change your mind as you CAN work through your demons by expressing yourself TO yourself.
You seem to have a lot of Muslim friends who are able to give you sound advice. I admire all of you for that. You are so much better at being what I hope to be some day than most people I know. I am christian but, so far, it appears that our social beliefs are the same.
I divorced my husband because he had an affair. If he had married another person I would probably have had to of been committed to an institution (a prison for murder, maybe). Yet, you handled it amazingly. This must be a culture difference.
Another observation, tho I have only read your August 2006 entries so it may have changed, is that he supports you and your kids while SHE has to support him when he is with her? She works to pay the bills while he pays only yours. It seems to me that she is a little slow to allow that. You tend to spend on what you find important in life. In his case, that would be you.
I do have one question, however. Your profile says you live in the U.S. - same as me, where it's illegal to be married to more than one person at a time. Is this a religious only marriage that he has with "Lisa?" Am I just naive to believe that the FLDS are the only people who do this? Maybe I just need to continue reading to find my answers as, if what you have decided sticks, you will not be back to answer my questions.
I wish you much luck and love.
Diana
asalamu aleykum sister, masha-allah your a great imaan booster you've helped me allot believe it or not...i heard about this site and i finished reading it all in acouple of hours..i hope allahh rewards you ameen...u wud be a good friend and i hope u come back , i feel better as a person now and i feel that my imaan got better after i read you blogs...wallah ukhti you helped me allot , your a great person and remember that this is hell for us muslims and our paradise is later...so its okay to be sad and frusterated and go through horrible days...becuase clearly this is not out life...the after life is our Real life..insha-allah we will all go to paradiseand be happy there insha-allah! and i really hope you come back, maybe this time you dont have to talk about your family..and just about life in general which isnt haram, i really think you can help allot of people just like i think you can helpp mee!!! you already helped my imaan go up becuase of the fact of all the hard things u went through and your still thankful and your patient and may allah reward you for that once again..but anyway sister jazzak-allah khayr and please replyyy!
Salam sister I hope everything has worked out for you
Assalamu Alaikum
Vena, can you at least give us a general update on what has happened in your life--without the details, at least a general picture. I truly wish for you the best and hope that Allah guides and helps you and your family.
Salam and love
sister,
dont stop blogging - let your agony vent out, and the mind and heart would be clear
the world is big - you have many many welwishers
i pray with almighty for your ever welfare
if you need any help please feel free contact this brother
Assalamu alaikom
Vena it has been 7 months since your last post. We are not asking for details on everything, we just want an update to let us know how you and kids are doing. Would you please be so kind to update us soon.
May Allah give you jannah for the pain you've endured and the patience you've shown in adversity.
I never realised that there are so many women ghoing through tis sort of thing until I read your blog.
As Salaamu Alaikum, Sister Vena
I have read your post and commented a number of times. Allah SWT has allowed you to help me tremendously w/ coming to terms with my life, living polygamy. Inspired by you, I started a blog -www.polygamy411.com.
I invite you to come visit and comment there, and ask that you continue to help brothers and sisters who are in continued need of your support by directing traffic to www.polygamy411.com
Thank you Sister Vena. I pray Allah SWT continues to bless you immensely!
Your sister in faith!
I'm like most of you, impatient and full of fear about losing that special someone for the rest of your life. But finding this email id freemercytemple@yahoo.com authentic love spells is the best stroke of destiny ever. You see I believe that fate is predefined but we can control our destiny. freemercytemple@yahoo.com is the most understanding person i have ever ment and the best. He is a godsent that is sent to solve peoples problems. I feel so confident that my wishes has come true. I am now happy with sucess (which is very nice,) for my talisman to arrive. I'll post again once we are married. All i can say is stay calm, positive and believe on your helper, everything you desire will then happen for you.
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