Sunday, June 29, 2008
furious!!!
I am boiling right now. I am soooooooo upset. So today technically would have been my day, but of course we are separated so I don't expect him to come home to be with me. One thing I had hoped though was for him to come on his only day off and at least "attempt" to see the girls. So he didn't call all day and I called him around 5:00 p.m. or so to get permission to go to a friend of a friend's house. He didn't answer so I left him a text message. He didn't reply back until I was on my way there which was around 6:00 p.m. He asked me when I was going and when I would be back. I told him that I was on my way and that I would try to be back before dark (around maghrib) he said ok just call me when you get back because I would like to come by and see the girls. So I told him ok. I rushed home of course so I could make it in time for him to see the girls. Maghrib comes in at 8:27 p.m. and I was home at approx. 8:40 p.m. He usually goes to pray at the masjid and so I decided to call him around 9:00 p.m. I called. No one answered. When I was praying he called back and when I was done I called him back. The time now was around 9:10 p.m. Isha is not till 10:00 p.m. He asked me if I had just gotten home. I told him no. I told him I had been home for a while, but was settling the kids down before I called. He said, "Oh now it's too late to come so I guess I will just have to come tomorrow." I said, "Really? And what about these kids who's hopes I've gotten up about you coming today?" I said, "Whatever I don't care anyways, I just wish I hadn't told them that you were coming. I should have known better.....you only think of yourself......" Then he interrupted me and said something really ugly in Arabic that I do not wish to repeat and so I hung up on him. Then many thoughts came to me of things I could say to him and I called back, but he didn't pick up. That wasn't going to stop me so I texted him......"I don't even know why you act like you had any intention to see the girls. If you cared to see them then you would have come earlier, but of course you were too busy thinking of your damn self and Lisa as usual. Anyways they are fine without you. You do not even have to visit. They probably wouldn't even know the difference. Why don't you go and make another baby you can't take care of? You're good at that!" Then a little while later I texted him, "Oh I just figured out why you didn't come. "Someone" must have told you you can't." Hahaha......you guys know what that means. Anyways I am mad because this guy who claims to love the kids so much and who says that he wants custody of the girls and that if I were to remarry I would have to give them to him HASN'T even seen them since the day he left. What kind of bull is that? He is soooooo selfish I could throw up!
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31 comments:
You know Veena, the funny thing about your story is that my husband does the same thing sometimes and there HIS kids! Wow...But I guess we have to understand that they don't have the same image of family as we do.
I also wanted to comment on you being led to believe that he loves her more. I don't know if that is entirely true because you can love anyone who doesn't ask a thing from you. So don't be so sure that the whole thing was for her to lead you to believe that so that she may take him from you'll...
I would like you to honestly ask yourself a question for me. You don't have to share the answer if you don't want to. Is your reason for him coming over purely for the kids or do you wish just a little bit that he will come running to you? If it is just for the girls he can come any day not just on your day. He can see them on Lisa's day if he was really interested.
I suggest to not tell the kids that he is coming until you are absolutely positive. Unless he is on his way dont say a thing. They wont feel bad that he didn't show up if they didnt know he was coming.
As far as him getting custody...fat chance. Islamically, even if you were to remarry the children first go to the maternal grandmothers and then the parternal grandmothers and after all those people to the father. Custody is supposed to be in the best interest of the children and not a game to hurt the mother.
I wonder what kind of example that you all are teaching your daughters. Remember that most often women choose men like their fathers. If they grow up with caring and nurturing fathers they will pick good husbands inshaAllah. You don't want them to learn that it is acceptable to be treated like garbage because they will always take it. You can try to make your marriage work if you want, but think of what the cost is to everyone involved. I would rather my children see a strong dedicated mother than a subserviant doormat who is always angry and upset.
I hope you get whatever it is you want out of this separation.
Assalmau Alaikum
I am going to say something that might hurt, or you might not like to hear: are you more upset about the fact he didnt come to see the kids, or are you angry\sad he hasnt tried to get you back? You defintely have a right to feel both but before you confront him and blow up just make sure to be 100% sure what it is that you are upset about becuase if you dont it will probably come out in a way you dont want. I think your text to him was showing him that-you should not have even mentioned her name-leave her out of this-- yes, its because she is there that you are having all these problems but they both said they wont leave each other so what are you really trying to do? He will not leave her and come back to you-Allahu Allem but I dont belive thats happening--so try to get the dream out of your head and think of what you REALLY want. If he is a good Muslim man who gives you your rights................Allahu Allem whats best---Istaqhara, dua, SABR SABR SABR--and dont contact him anymore-you are seperated, let him do the work to come to you, you seperated and the Shiek was in your favor, so its up to him to fix whats wrong with you two--let him do the work. Dont call, dont text, just let him come to you. He wants to see if your gonna give in.
May Allah guide you all and give you whats best
Salam
Okay, there are 3 things I am not getting here:
1. You ask PERMISSION to go places (ie., a friend's house) -- even when you are separated???? He is not functioning in your life in the capacity of a husband and yet you STILL are functioning as a dutiful wife?
2. Do you think that a man who has not been an active and engaged father while you were married (because he decided to take on a second wife and family) will now suddenly be one when you are SEPARATED???
3. Why do you assume it takes Lisa to motivate him to be an irresponsible jerk? Haven't you seen enough indication that men like him can do that all by themselves?
Vena, it's really not about Lisa per se. If it wasn't her it would be someone else. This is about him -- this is who he is.
My sincere advice would be to try to let go and communicate your love and attention to your kids. Don't use them to try to draw him back into a family relationship with you. I know you will swear that you aren't but sweetie, I have lived a good long life ;) (LOL!) and I know how it feels to realize that the man who you have married and made babies with has moved on to another. You feel like you would do almost anything to draw him back to you -- all while you are swearing you don't want him but simply are trying to get him to be a good father to his kids. Good fathers don't need anyone to remind them of their responsibilities. They do it on their own.
If this man is a good father, he will be that now even though you are separated (and even later, if you divorce). Lisa can't prevent him from being the man he is.
I hope I don't sound harsh and you understand that I tell you this out of love and concern for you.
Salaam,
PM
Sorry he did you wrong. Seems like he counts on your calls and messages. WHAT IF: you don't call at all, but if he calls you answer. If he initiates no contact you don't either.
I can read the jealousy and hurt in your words and when he doesn't answer, the pain surely gets worse as you aren't worthy of a response.
SEPARATE
Vena:
Did you think by your threat of leaving him he would change? Of course he won't. You initially visited the Imam to seek divorce, but because the Imam doesn't think your emotionally stable (since your a woman of course), you are under probation period.
Vena, I don't think you want a divorce. If you aren't ready, then let things be the way they were. Your husband won't change, he has gotten his way for a very long time. You say "no" the other will say "yes."
It's simple as that.
(The kids? Why would he treat your children any differently than the children from the first marriage. He is obviously not being a father to anyone!)
Assalamualaikum
my goodness, i didn't think that this was really bad. and i really pray that it won't go any worst. sigh. your husband needs to wake up. he really does.
remind him of his rights and responsibilities.
i think u should step back for a while. pretend that he's nt in ur life anymore. temporarily. if single parent is what u're gg to deal with in the future, treat this as a preparation or smth. :S
nonetheless, i think u and ur husband needs time off from each other.
Sometimes we have to put our spouses in situations like this in order to expose them. It sounds like the real him is coming out. Are you ready for the real him? Because if you can weather that out, you are truly strong. And its time to "Get-Out-Of-the-box", and see things clearly. And for some women that hurts the most. So they stay in the box, and tolerate.
OMG! Vena!! Let me just say...
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
But believe me....this behaviour of yours is destructive. I think you will be hurting yourself more than you will be hurting him.
You know what your man is doing...and you know what he is capable of.......and sometimes he jus surprises the hell out of you...(thinking about the whole Lisa surprise)
But you have to take care of your children and YOU......and letting that anger get the best of you may throw you into a spiral.....be aware......
You are in the states.....so if he thinks he's going to take the kids....well,....surprise! Surprise! You can take care of that......does he have an islamic certificate of his marriage, btw?
If I were you...I'd start making preparations for what may come....
Can you photocopy all important paperwork? Put away BC's of the children...passports.....put it all away somewhere he can't get it.....find any paperwork with his DL on it....write it down...photocopy.....make yourself a neat little file.....just in case.....
And out of curiousity.....has Lisa been in contact with you? I seem to remember that when divorce was a possibility before that she called to tell you that she'd never stay with the hubby without you......what is her stance now?
Asalamu Alaikum Vena,
I just went back and read your posts from the first month when your recount the history of this relationship between your husband and Lisa.
I feel physically sick after reading it. May Allah help you.
WOW! 2 years of this stuff you have had to endure. I didn't realize it had been going on that long until I went back to your very first post. You are in my duas sister.
see vena..i think when you find yourself getting annoyed at something, you need to hold off before getting upset and then having the other person think they were in the right cuz you got ugly too.
you coulda said something like 'oh really. but its only 9? isha isn't till 10." and then seen what he said. instead of 'really what about these kids bla bla'. cuz to the man that sounds like nagging.
even if a guy is in the wrong, most men do not like naggers, heck women don't either but most of the time the way life works is that we're more dependent on the men, so we nag to get what we want.
so be careful not to nag. be careful to do things the right way so you don't look back later whichever way it works out and regret or think you coulda been better.
Oh Vena, I know this feeling oh so well. I could never understand why he was not more interested in being a father to our girls than running behind some woman. Even now we are divorced, it is even worse, when he speaks an outsider would think he was the best father, but he hardly sees the kids at all. I mean like for 5 minutes here and there once every two weeks. It is really bad. Yet when I mentioned the possibility of re-marrying, he was quick to say he would excercise his right to take them away. No doubt only to make his woman "care" for them. It's so frustrating. I just hope Allah makes it easier on your family and just brings your husband back to where he needs to be inshaAllah.
Salaams My Dear Sister:
What you write makes me really sad. Do you expect anything different sis? I think the huge battle in separations or divorce is the dismantling of the denial. But it's all part of the process. May Allah (swt) comfort and guide you sis/Ameen.
Wow. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm very happy for you that you're separated. Everytime I read this blog I get so frickin' pissed off at your husband who makes you feel like sh*t.
I hope peace comes to you and you will be able to grow in yourself and your faith.
Men are so frustrating. I sometimes think they don't even know what they want, except to feel comfortable all the time. I hope your husband wakes up to himself before his girls are old enough to realise he is not giving them the priority they need and deserve. It hurts so much when your child comes to you and asks "Why doesn't daddy want to play with me ... come to my school assembly ... etc ..."
Salaam;
I know its going to take superhuman strength but dont get drawn into arguments. You have dealt with this whole situation with dignity and grace for so long... why spoil it now?
He has already proved time and time again that his actions are selfish... why are you still suprised?
Don't let him get to you. Now that you have chosen to seperate; use the time to work on your deen.
Nothing mends a broken heart better than prayer.
Asalamalaykom Sister V.,
I used to be so upset at the lousy parenting from the kids' dads (I do hate the plural of the last noun, but it's the way it is).
My mother then wisely said to me, "It happens all the time, so why are you so surprised? Seems like you are the one who needs to change your behavior; stop being surprised."
You know what? I became more accepting by admitting their faults and forgiving them. I actually found things to appreciate in what they did give to the kids. Alhumdulillah that they are who they are. No upset...ok, well, sometimes there is, but it is reduced because my acceptance has increased.
See what you can do.
Whether you are married or divorced, he will always be their father. You have to find a way to appreciate the fathering he does do and not to get upset at any lack. Well, you don't have to, but it's the best way to stay sane (and boiling in your own juices isn't all it's cracked up to be; ask any crab).
As-Salaamu alaikum
First, I want to hug you. You're a good woman, who's in a rough spot, and you're hanging in there. That's terrific. Don't ever think otherwise.
Second, I want to tell you that this next year is going to be hard.
Thirdly, I want to encourage you to NOT text him. Let him come to you, to the kids. Let him figure out his relationship with them, on his own. You will not be able to control him. Any of us as women know what a father should be doing, with his children...but reality is not always the ideal. I would suggest that you leave him alone, leave him wondering, and he will come to you, to the chilren, all by himself.
And along with that idea, you won't be caught in this web of having to ask him whether you can go out or not, your time is your own, the children won't be disappointed, and insha Allah you can relax.
I'm kinda surprised that you're asking him whether you can go out or not - since he doesn't live in the home, is that necessary? Just a question. You might want to speak to him about that, just so that you minimize your contact with him for now. I suggest this not because it's an easy thing to do - he's your husband - but because I think for you, it's all or nothing. It's that way for most of us. And I think you're going to stress yourself out trying to get him to do the "right" thing, you know?
I've been where you are...not exactly the same, but in terms of kids and their father, yes..and detaching was really hard, but necessary.
The kids will be okay...wallah...they have a terrific mama, and he'll come around in time. Just, it'll be in his own time, and what he does right now might just really burn your chicken, in terms of anger...righteous anger...but I think your husband loves his children, and he'll do right by them in the end.
As for his marriage to Lisa...it sounds like he's having issues with marriage, in general. Marriage is marriage. You can guarantee that the homelife isn't perfect there either..but in all honesty, i think you're wasting valuable energy even thinking about it. Focus on you, on your kids, get with your friends, with sisters, with your family insha Allah if you can. I think you might find that you're less stressed and happier insha Allah.
Just my $.02...or maybe $.05 since this comment got so long!
Good God Anonymous! What the hell kind of "advice" is that? "Men don't like naggers"????
Oh let me guess: you're a man! LOL!
Vena, I feel for you. Hope you can use this time to turn to prayer. Don't let your anger distract you from that, but use it to put even more power into your plea
You know that God hears the broken-hearted best. Hand over your affairs to Him for Him to rectify.
Love
A.A. ukti
I can only imagine the pain your going through...
I hope ALLAH eases your pain and punishes the man you call your husband, he has no right to treat you the way he does, ALLAH is all knowing and will question him on this matter of having to wives and whether he treated them both equally on the day of judgement.
So do not freat and have your faith in ALLAH always, do not let the shaytan win.
we are all here for you.
Your sister in Islam
Amina xXx
You cannot choose how people treat you....but you can choose how you react to that treatment. Your husband seems to be a temp kind of guy...temporary husband till he finds something different...temporary dad till he makes some new babies...nothing in life is final except death...but we shouldnt treat everything as temporary either.He doesnt deserve his children from either marriage and God willing he never has any more.
Assalamu `alaykum sis,
Just a couple of points.
You are in "separation probation". Take advantage of this time. Take advantage to go and "feel like" what would be to be alone. Try not to "chase" him.
Now if you're separated, then there should be no need of asking him permission to go out, etc. Think of yourself as a "temporarily divorced" woman and see how you do.
Finally... I don't think Vena that your husband is going to change, unfortunately. He has shown very little care for your kids, so why would he care now? He has neglected you for really long, your tears have not affected him, why is he going to change now?
You really need to think sis. But also, try to go to counseling, it seems you need someone to talk to and rebuild your self-esteem!
Please keep posting. We love you dearly and worry about you. Let us know where you are at- even if you aren't proud of it.
I like anonymous's comment about nagging. Great perception....
Ohhhh...and some good points about minimizing contact and control. Very good. Are you reading these Vena?
I agree that you have to talk to him about permissions....get that out of the way....(don't ask him, TELL HIM!) And just let him be...see where he goes on his own.
And another thing....I know that feeling of expecting him to run to you.....when I arrived in Canada, I thought the reaction would have been quick....Hubby would divorce MM, come running to my knees, kiss my feet and proclaim his undying love and need of me......
And although I was prepared for that.....because I really expected it.......at the same time....I was D O N E.....didn't want him anyways....
But surprise, surprise......it NEVER happened. It was just that easy to cut me loose.....and perhaps somewhere inside of me, this hurts. But the hurts are so great, that I don't feel this one specifically.
The greatest hurt I have felt....the one that I don't think I'll get over....is finding about the marriage. After the fact.
So you keep your nose down. Stop controlling, or trying to....and let the man be. Open your eyes, Vena. You have to now....and watch what is happening.
You have to see.
Assalam O Alaikum,
Vena I was wondering if you don't work then how do you manage to pay your bills? One thing I learn from all of the women who are in P marriage to have strong faith. Alhumdolilah. You guys have really strong faith. I wish I could be like of you.
SubhanAllah all these people passing judgement on a man they don't know - or know only through the venting of his wife! I don't doubt the pain you're going through vena but I have to say the behaviour you've described - of everyone involved - is just juvenile. I feel for the poor kids who have to grow up through all this. May God help us all.
As Salaamu Alaikum,
I'm in a polygamous marriage, a first wife. It has been extremely painful and difficult for me as well. I contemplated divorce. However, after giving it much thought, no, I am not going to give her the satisfaction of having him and winning. I am going to be the winner as I will not only have the husband that Allah chose for me; however, I will be victorious over satan. Satan wants me to be ungrateful to Allah, and end up like the magnitude of selfish,lonely, unmarried, old women who didn't like Allah's decision. I wonder why it is said the majority of people in the Hellfire will be women. There are so many women who would rather have nothing than to share and that's what they usually end up with - NOTHING.
Oh my God, you need at "permission" from your husband to leave the house? That´s oppression... srry that is. The profet said that the best believer its the one who treats women with respect, and what you are describing is not respect.
I know i'm late commenting on the subject but I will state my opinion. It is unfair for wives to be forced into polygamous marriages by their husbands. By force I dont mean physical threat, I mean secretly marrying then surprising the 1st wife with the marriage, or suddenly telling the wife your going to be married and she basically has to deal with it. Unfortunately a lot of the times islamic rules seem to only be applied on women and not men. When it comes to polygamy the only condition is fairness that can be manipulated by men and most of the time fairness is in the "eyes of the husband". Women should not be in a position to choose either polygamy or divorce they should have the choice of living a monogamous marriage and yes they should have a say in their husbands intend of second marriage since they have to deal with it . Polygamous marriages are not always advantageous something that should be recognized by religious men first and muslim men in general. When you have a religious scholars saying you dont need to tell your wife about marrying No2,3,4 (let alone take her permission) , try your best in being fair, muslim women seen as sinning or less of a muslim if asked divorce instead of sharing, and whats sad you find women endorsing these reasons and giving less power to a women if caught in such situation. Obviously you will see the general muslim guy (some) engaging in secret marriages then surprising the 1st naive wife because no religious man speaks against it as a matter of fact most say those types of marriage are ok and as usual the 1st wife has to be patient patient patient and patient.
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