Wednesday, December 05, 2007

All I want to know is.....Will this roller coaster ride ever end???? Ups and downs! Ups and downs! It's neverending! I do not know if I am for or against polygyny. Many days, yes; other days, no! Does that make me a hypocrite? I do not know where I stand most of the time. Am I too emotional? Well I can answer that easily. A lot has happened lately that I haven't had the energy to write about, but I will tell you one of the things that happened recently. Maybe two weeks ago this incident occured. Actually it was thanksgiving day. Ok so the night before thanksgiving was her day and usually he does not go to the person who's day it is until after duhur time which is approximatly noon. Ok so he was at her house thanksgiving morning and he called me to ask me what kind of meat I wanted him to buy from the halal meat store. So we talked andI told him. This was approximatly around noon time so I was expecting him to come home not too long after that.I figured that he would go pray at the masjid at one then come to my house. Thanksgiving day he had no work mind you because the streets were empty. Anyways I went to go visit my mom and was waiting for him there. Then he calls me around two and he's still at her house. I didn't make a big deal. I wanted to see when he came on his own. So during the conversation he mentions that his friend came in from out of town to attend a conference held in our city with his wife. His wife is of the same decent as Lisa and does not speak english well. Whenever this same friend comes into town with his mom (who is arab) he brings them to my house, but when he comes with his wife who is (hispanic) he goes to her house, but it was MY day. MY DAY! Anyways no problem.....I understood and let it be. I even gave him an offer to stay at her house with his friend if he wanted. He told me no that he was going to come home and we would go to the conference together to see his other friend who is a sheikh and is giving a lecture at the conference. I said ok. Well remember I talked to him at 2 well then he called me back at around 4:45 and told me that they all went out to eat and he would be on his way to my mom's house after he drops the meat at my house and that Lisa went with his friend and his wife to the conference because his friend paid for her and insisted she go so she can be a positive influence on his wife. Ok!!!! Great for her! Anyways 6:30 comes around and my hubby FINALLY finished everything. Now the Isha prayer at the masjid is at 7:30 so I told him to pray first then come to my mom's because he would only be able to come for 45 minutes then have to leave again to pray in congregation. HE agreed. All this and I am fine wallahi. I was not mad that it too him till night time to come to my house. I excused it all. I fought shaytan and the urge to remind him of the right to my time. Finally he shows up at 8 and we stay a while and by this time the kids are sooooo tired and we decide to take them home. My aunt also asked us to see if we could find her a charger for her phone. We stopped by walmart and they were closed and he said he would try any gas station to see if they had it. He made the comment after we passed by walmart that he guesses I won't be able to go with him since the kids are tired so I said no I will put them to sleep and he can go. Here is where the misunderstanding begins: He leaves and I am in bed putting the three years old to sleep. An hour passes and he is still not home. My aunt called me to ask me if he found the charger and I told her I don't know. "I will call him and find out," I said. Now it is 11 p.m I call him and ask him where he is. All of a sudden I here him asking someone in arabic where the shiekh is. WHAT???? "Are you at the confrence?" I asked. "He said yes I thought you knew." You have got to be kidding me. This is where the fight starts. He decided that he would go to the conference by himself since the kids were tired and I could not go. When did he assume I was fine with this? When he told me I guess you will not be able to come with me? He meant the conference.....I meant the gas station. By now I am fuming and he hangs up on me. I call and no answer, but when he finally picks up it dawns on me that SHE is there. So I ask him if she is there and he dodges my question trying to get out of answering by telling me she is somewhere around with the wife of his friend and he is with his friend and the sheikh. Then I finally tell him in arabic to not play stupid with me and he hangs up again.....this time no answer when I try to call back over and over again. I am FUMING now!!!! what time does he finally come home on my day???? 2:00 a.m. My day is gone! She had it! He gave it to her. When he came home he got an ear full on how this is not going to work and I want out. Anyways it escelated from there and we got into more talks of divorce and he almost gave it to me this time, but instead he had his friend the shiekh talk to me. The shiekh told me of all the wonderful things that my husband has spoken of about me and all the things that my husband appreciates about me and what I do. He told him things about me that I didn't even know that he noticed. He said he liked what he said so much that he told him that if he wishes he could find him a wife like me. lol. Subhan Allah. If he only knew what he would be getting into ; ) He gave me wonderful advice that day though and Insha Allah I will try to follow them. Maybe in another post I will write his advice. I also spoke to my dad when he was here he opened my eyes to something. I ask for divorce not because I want it, but because I want him not to give it to me. If my husband doesn't give me a divorce then that confirms to me that he wants me in his life. My dad's point though is what if he gets so fed up that he decides divorce is easier for him and he grants me what he thinks I want? What if he divorces me? His point: Don't ask for what you don't want, cause you might just get it. He's right.


Safa said...

I wonder what the sheikh told you?

Organic-Muslimah said...

Salamu alaikum,

Vena Vena Vena.

In the time he is running around between both your homes and the Jama3ah prayer at the masjid, when does he see the other set of children from the first wife?

If your children were asleep, how were you planning to attend the conference?

The tactic the Sheikh used is the number one way to DISTRACT you by praising you and making you feel wonderful. REMEMBER in a time like this, IT'S HALAL FOR THE SHEIKH TO LIE. I am not saying that the wonderful things he said about you aren't true, I just want you to consider, your mind was clouded that you couldn't really discuss THE REAL PROBLEM here and demand your right!

Also, please stop throwing the "D" word whenever he does something wrong. You have five children involved in this marriage, so you shouldn't use the blackmailing tool because like your father said, he might actually do it one day! It's extremely immature ya Vena, mish kida.

I suggest you keep a journal with dates/times of what happened that was unfair, so when you really want that divorce, you will have all the evidence. Please listen to this advice.

Happy belated Eid!


PM said...

Wow! Organica, you nailed it! That is exactly what I was going to say -- about the sheikh and about divorce.

Now Vena, you know that if you stay in polygyny that you will have a life full of these kinds of ups and downs so prepare yourself for it and get your support system in place. Otherwise, you really do need to consider what life would be like if you were divorced. How many children would you be raising and how would you support yourself and them? How much of your education have you completed? Have you worked outside the home before?
These are all things you should consider.

Salaam Alaikum,

BTW, I suspect your husband is pretty clueless about issues like going to the conference with Lisa on your day, but as a woman I suspect she was not oblivious. It would be nice to see her push him to do the right thing by you but I wouldn't count on it.

Anonymous said...

assalam alaikum, I don't thik he was clueless about going to the conference with lisa, but isn't it convinient to go with the childfree wife? children are work, why not leave the burden on the wife and go to enjoy himself? and feel free...

Yosra said...

Asalamalaykom Vena,

I am glad that you wrote to us. Wallahi, you are in my prayers and thoughts as a true sister in Islam. May Allah reward you for the good you do with this blog and forgive you for any bad.

Sigh...he isn't perfect. Lisa isn't perfect. You aren't perfect. You know this. While others might point out the faults that lie inside that triangulated relationship you have, I am content to leave you be. I have enough of my own faults to work on. LOL!

I hear your voice clearly in this posting. You are you. You are strong, loving, giving and forgiving, caring and courageous. No sugar-coating here! Just reality and that is bumpy.

I've been saying lately that life is not without bumps. They will be there on the road of life. It isn't possible to avoid all the bumps. That shouldn't be the goal anyway. The goal should be to act with integrity while you are facing those uncomfortable times. Seems like you did your best the night you describe--Allahu alim.

As for the BIG D...if you talk about dessert, I'll feel hungry, even if I'm full. If you talk about cute new clothes, I'll want to go shopping, even if my closet is crammed. It's best to keep quiet on subjects that you don't really want your husband to think about.

You want him to show that he loves you. I think he does show that. He isn't a monster. He's a man! And men show us love in really strange ways that they think demonstrate clearly their affections. What is he doing that actually is showing love for you? Open your eyes to that. If you want to stay with him, you'll have to be open to what he can do and not focus on what he cannot.

I wish you, your family, and your marriage the best in 2008. You can't control him or her, but you can control yourself. So, do your best to make 2008 a great year.

Anonymous said...

you cant say he was clueless thats making an assumption and an accusation that you cant prove

Anonymous said...

You poor thing. That's polygyny in a nutshell. When ever was it making any woman happy??

Anonymous said...

So it's ok for him to stay with Lisa on your day for a conference but Allah forbid he stays with you on her day for the birth of his child? Unbelievable. I agree the Sheikh is just trying to draw your attention elsewhere. Dispicable.

Robin said...

As Salaamu Alaikum,
I'm in a polygamous relationship, as you are. I'm on that roller coaster ride, as well, and I'm trying to get off. However, the ride won't end until Allah stops it. We have to turn all our attention and focus on Allah. We were created to serve Allah and Allah alone. When we do that and always remember Allah, it will be a smooth ride. What happened on that Thanksgiving day was by the permission of Allah. Allah determined everything that happened that day. He decreed it in a book before we were born. Who are we to object to what happens, simply because it doesn't coincide we what we desire. If the other parties did anything wrong, they are accountable to Allah. Allah allowed them to do it for a reason. We have to stop blaming others for what Allah has decided, as that is creating shirk. I threatened the divorce thing just as you had; I agree with the other responders, listened, and learned from what they said about threatening divorce. Insha Allah, I won't threaten divorce again. If I say I want a divorce in the future, I will be ready and willing to proceed. My relationship is extremely painful and difficult for me right now; however, Allah said, he did not create this life for sport and play. He said we will be tested like those who came before us. Insha Allah, remember Allah often, accept His decree and stop placing blame. Insha Allah, I will try to do the same.

American Muslima Writer said...

Subhanallah i learned the hard way not to throw the D word around. We were fighting over weight issues because he wants skinny 2nd wife and i said no way you cant. big fight later I was sceming D word when all i want is for him to love me as I am. SOMe men cannot though. SUbhanAllah... but now things are better and we really do have to take ups with downs. I loveyour blog and I'm happy to read everythning you write. May Allah help us all!