Monday, October 22, 2007

I apologize for not posting for such a long time, but things have been so stressful lately. I have had to adjust to having a newborn again and this time with four other kids running around and needing my attention. Well let me briefly fill you all in on what's been happening. Alhamdulillah I safely delivered a beautiful and healthy baby girl. That's now number five as predicted. All the girls love her masha Allah. She was approx. 7 lbs. and born on September 7. She is now 6 weeks old alhamdulillah and overall she is a wonderful baby. She would like for me to never leave her side as would I, but with so many other things to do it's hard to give her my complete attention. If she gets the attention, the other scream for their share so I have been trying to do a balancing job and have been failing miserably, but insha Allah we will all pass this bump and get our lives back on track. Well good news is that my mom now lives with me, bad news is because she has decided to leave her hubby. But for now she is helping me and even with the two of us here it is hard. The kids are growing and are developing their own personalities and some are more difficult then others. I always wonder how much of an influence our situation will have in the development of who they are and who they become. It hasn't been easy and yes a lot of the times I resent my husband for not being here. I resent him for getting his break every other day and I resent the fact that the kids and I are the ones sacrificing the most. We barely see him every other day for a few hours and in those few hours he is not spending the time wisely with us. I have given up hoping that it will be any different. He tries the best he can, but his best is still never good enough. I hate to even say that, but I have to be honest with myself. But there is no sense in thinking things will change I just have to accept it the way it is for now and just try to provide as much stability as I can for these kiddos. Anyways I am sure you are all wondering who's day I had the baby on. lol. Well I had the baby on her day and they were both their as well as my mom in the delivery room. Everyone thought I was crazy for having her there, but I guess it goes with my nature that I really did not want to exclude her from my happy day because I knew it would be a sad day for her. I thought if she is there then she will feel a part of the family and that this moment was not exclusively ours. I know many of you are shaking your heads right now and saying "What the hell is she talking about?" But if you know me then you would know that that is just the type of person I am. call it naive, call it pathetic, call it whatever you want, but that's me. And yes I get burned many times for that, but that is OK because I cannot change my nature. Anyways the down fall of having her be there was that I guess my husband too felt sympathy or guilt for her that he ended up over compensating and gave her more attention than he gave me. But whatever, what's done is done and we talked it over and he sincerely did not even realize that he had made me feel neglected that day. I am OK though. Life goes on, right? I know my husband loves me and I love him and that is all that matters......Being able to talk and express our feelings with each other and be open makes bumps like these smoother alhamdulillah. Anyways that's just a summary for you all for now. I promise to try to write more often now that I am finally finding some time. Thanks to all of you who asked about me and the baby. Jazakum Allah khair!!!

33 comments:

Hasnah said...

As salaam alaikum

I am glad you are o.k and that you had a healthy baby.I don't know Vena everytime I read your blog I just don't ever, ever, ever want to go back into a polygynous marriage.That was your day and you shouldn't keep selling yourself short.I even read a fatwa on fatwa-online that if the man brought flowers for the wife who had a the baby but not for the one who didn't he wouldn't be unjust in that even though gift giving is strictly equal.

Can you show me how to place that pregnancy ticker up?

May Allaah make your affairs easy and just Amin.

PM said...

Mabrook Habibti! Daughters are a blessing and such a comfort as they grow older. I would love to have 5 of them but was only blessed with one fabulous one.

As for your husband and his other wife -- I can't blame you at all. You do what you have to do because of who you are. I admire your grace and big heart. May Allah reward you for it.

Salaam Alaikum,
PM

Anonymous said...

Allhamdulillah, that you are ok.

You might not have your husbands 100% attention - but you have 5 beautifull children, something that she doesnt have.

Safa said...

2 mos!! It's taken you two mos to get back to us?? And you know that our little circle was biting their nails wondering what's going on with you?

Alhamdulillah!!

You have the biggest (and naivest) heart out there....!!

Allah was watching, and insha Allah, that great generosity will be given to you a hundred fold over....ameen!!!

Anonymous said...

I think you should go for no 6 ; )

Its your loving children who will always be around, and will fill that void.

I'm glad you did let her be there. Like Safa said - Allah will reward you for it.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations. Maybe you did this thinking that all the attention was going to be on you. You wanted him and her to just focus on you. It seems like your plan back fired. Just focus and you and him without her.

TVDinner said...

Oh Vena, I am amazed at how strong and generous-hearted you are. It takes strength to open your heart - especially when you're delivering a baby! - to Lisa and let her be there on your day. You are one tough cookie, and I'm so inspired by you! As we say around here (Washington State): ROCK ON!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your latest edition.. Alhamdullilah all is well in your family. I started reading your blog when i discovered my husband is planning to marry another wife soon. We have discussed this many times and like you i find it that it is my fate and i must be strong to see it through. Alhamdullilah things are working out for us now.. thank you for sharing your experience with me...

hema said...

mubarak for the baby girl! x

Anonymous said...

Get out of this situation NOW. Congrats on your lovely baby girl but please dont let your daughters follow in your footsteps, Allah will bleas you.

Anonymous said...

asslaamualaikumvena-ummkatheer-here,
spacebarismesseduplol,
quickq-have-u-given-ur-dh-
ways-to-spend
his-time-with-the-
kids-wisely,in-a-manner
that-suits-you?i-know-it's-hard-
when-they-are-young-but-let-
them-help,make-routines,
it-helps-alot,bcwhen-theyget-
older,and-all-girls-mashaAllah,
you'll-be-soo-grateful,for-actually-being-able-to-relax
plz-tell-ur-husband-how-u-feel,
about-urlack-of-time,esp-compared
to-other-wife,he-should,try-to-fear
Allah,asmuch-as-he-can,and,give
u-undivided,attention-esp-bc
u-have-the-kids.Youhave-to-help-
and-facilitate,that.
we-cant-change-a-condition,
unless,we-change,that,which,
is-within,ourselves.Allah-said-that,
and-that-is-very-true.once-u-make-
consistent-changes,u-will-notice
some-changes,on-his-part.

anotherq?-is-it-u,or-her,
who-has-to-feel-that-she-has-to
be-made-a-part-of-a-family?
and-y?for-ur-sake?or-his,or-hers?

i-know-my-dh-would-love-if-me(1)-
and-her(2)
-were-like-family,seeing-and
visiting-each-other,calling,etc,
but,its-something-that-me,or-
her-have-no-desire-for,even,though
shes,the-one,who-is-pregnant,been-
mrried,for-a-yr-now,so-its-very
mutual.do-u-think-its-something,
natural-for-the-new-wife-to-come-
in-and-expect-to-have-nothing
to-do-with-the-first-wife,and,
her-children?or-do-think-its-
normal-for-her-to-feel-like-she-
belongs-to-a-family?

Organic-Muslimah said...

Mabrook for your little one.

La hawla wala qowat ila billah.

MyHijab said...

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU AND YOUR SITUATION. I COULD NEVER, EVER, EVER DO WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I FIND MYSELF SHAKING MY HEAD WITH EVERY POST THAT I READ.

I ALSO FIND MYSELF ASKING THE QUESTION: WHAT WOULD I REALLY DO IF I HAD 4 KIDS AND MY HUSBAND WANTED TO MARRY ANOTHER? WHAT WOULD I REALLY DO?

AGAIN, RIGHT NOW, I SHAKE MY HEAD.

Samia_DK said...

As salaamu Aleykum sister. mabrook on your blessed babygirl. May your life be filled with joy, love and blessings. masha'Allah for your pure heart, people like you are rare to find and truely those who have you are blessed with the love of Allah(swt) as He is the giver of the best of presents, and so you are to your children and to your husband.
again, mabrook and God bless.

wa'salaam
samia

Anonymous said...

hello, i am married with four children too and my husband just took another woman (second wife), i am working with my husband in the same office, what do i do please help, i need advice alot of it. hope i find time.

Safiyyah said...

Argg ... I think I lost a long comment I wrote. But the bottom line is that Insha Allah He will continue to strengthen you, sister. Your writing is helping you, and I a sure it is helping others.

No one here should tell you to leave your marriage, Allah help us. Insha Allah those who claim to care about you here will continue to provide you with encouragement and support to guide you in your journey.

May Allah grant your mother peace also/Ameen.

Safa said...

You know what Vena? As much as I know that Allah will reward you for being big hearted, I'm going to tell you something......

I'm upset with you about bringing Lisa into the delivery room.

Perhaps you are big hearted and didn't want her to feel bad.....but didn't you sort of rub her face in it? How on earth could she not be having a hard time while you are pushing to deliver your husbands child into this world?

Is this sunnah? Is this islamic behaviour to have the other wife present? Childbirth is a time to be SELFISH, not generous. It's a time when your husband should be by your side to offer you love, support and a shoulder. How did you expect him to act with Lisa there? Don't you realize that he'd be torn between a rock and a hard place? Technically, he should have chosen YOU to stand beside. Is that what you were thinking in your brain? That you'd put the choice in front of him and see what he'd do?

Can you respect him after choosing her yet again?

Yes, I think it was generous of you, but also REALLY REALLY silly.

Take your rights, Vena. When Allah puts HALAL in front of you, why do you give it away? Why do you act like you don't care? Why do you act like that?

Do you realize that the key to a successful marriage with your husband is about focusing on YOU and HIM? And leaving LISA outta the picture?

Invite her for dinner, not to you giving birth.

Invite her for lunch, not to you giving birth.

Invite her for a walk, not for you giving birth!!!!!

How can you start with the HUGE and IMPOSSIBLE?

I hope that you get your priorities in order and that you start to look at what needs work in your marriage and in your relationship with your hubby.

Pleasing Lisa should not be the way to please your hubby. If that's the way it works, then truly........there is no hope.

Work on YOUR marriage with your husband and leave Lisa out of it for awhile. Please.

Safiyyah said...

As Salaamu Alaikum:

Wow, Sister Safa! May Allah (swt) reward you/Ameen.

Sometimes we need those who care about us to tell us what we NEED to hear, not what we WANT to hear.

If polygny is going to work, advice like this is very helpful.

Zainab said...

As salamu alaikum

Wow safa,great advice!

Safa sounds like she cares tremendously about you vena,should give you lots to think about,insha'allah.

Anonymous said...

congrats for your newborn.i am really happy for you as i am expecting my second child and desperately expecting a daughter as i have an amazing son.
i would like to know the name of your new born princess.
take care.

umm yehiya said...

where are you, Vena m'dear?

We're waiting with baited breath to hear about you & make sure you and your family are doing well, inshaAllah.

Take care my sister. And alf mabrook! May Allah reward you for your patience and your efforts. Ameen.

Salaamu alaikum.

livia simoka said...

Hi,
I am hoping you may be able to help me. I work for a Television production company in London, England. We have a proven track record for making high profile documentary films often about sensitive and complex subjects.

I have just started a new film about polygamous relationships where we are giving three couples or families the chance to tell their story. This is going to be a thought provoking, optimistic film looking at the positives of living in a poly relationship. Having worked on other films of a sensitive nature I am really keen to get involved in the scene, meet and talk to as many people as possible to find out all about the subject.

We don't make cheap, sensationalist films and all our contributors are treated with up most respect and their stories are highly valued.

I would really like to speak with you about your experiences. Even if you are not interested in taking part in the film I would still very much value the chance to speak with you to help me with research. Attached are my contact details - alternatively please let me know how I can best contact you and I will call you whenever is most convenient for you.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Many Thanks for your time.

Livia

Livia Simoka
Assistant Producer
Firefly Film and Television Productions Ltd
120 - 124 Curtain Road
London EC2A 3SQ
United Kingdom

DL: +44 (0) 207 033 2306
M: +44 (0) 788 752 5277
T: +44 (0) 207 033 2300
F: +44 (0) 207 729 3086
W: www.fireflyproductions.tv

Huda said...

As-salaamu alaikum Vena,
First of all I want to say MABROOK on the birth of your beautiful baby girl..masha Allah, I can just imagine the amount of hair accessories in your house *grins*
As for the rest of it..
What's done is done. I agree with Safa 100%...it's only if you are truly close to your co-wife, if YOU want her there for support, for her ability to help you through the birth process that she should have been there. You're allowed to have a separate marriage in polygyny - there's nothing saying that you have to be best friends with your co-wife. Wallah. You're allowed to have your own needs met. You're allowed to have the time alone with your husband. You don't have to share it all.
My co-wife just gave birth. I wasn't there. I wasn't anywhere near her. That's her day. It's her time. I've even stayed away from the family the last couple of weeks, to make it a bit easier, so nobody feels like they have to "choose"..there's no hard feelings, to be honest, on my side..it's just me really and truly wanting her to enjoy this time as much as possible.
Insha Allah you're able to detatch a bit and just really focus on your own family and your marriage, as Safa has said - otherwise I'm afraid you're really going to struggle. Prioritize, sweetie...you and your family first. Lisa is his wife - take your babysteps. Allow yourself a few years to adjust. It'll actually take that long.
Love you for the sake of Allah *hugggggs*

vena said...

I will return comments soon insha Allah. Man I wish I had time to write as I used to. lol!!! To livia I will be glad to speak with you soon (insha Allah). I will try to contact you.

sister in islam said...

Salaam Vena...

I hope u and the kids are well..
Pls be strong as always...

I admire you and I love you for the sake's of Allah.

I've prayed for you the other day,and I'll think of you in my du'a InshaAllah...

I really want to get to know you(more)..is possible to have your email ??.

Btw,I'm a neqabee and I live in kuwait.

Pls take care & May Allah protect you & kids always..

P.S; pls reply to me.

zia said...

If this is the lifestyle you are content with then thats fine...but its completely unacceptable that you subject your children this sort of emotional child abuse. What kind of example are you setting for your daughters, when you yourself are unable or unwilling to expect and demand respect. Your family sounds like a story straight out of the ghetto...with all your affairs, divorces, step children, half children. Take this situation for what it is...your husband does not love you enough to be faithful to you, he wants to sleep with different women so he uses religion to justify it. You are not strong enough to be independent so you let him victimize you and your children for the small bit of emotional and physical gratification he can provide. You should really be ashamed of yourselves.

zia said...

If this is the lifestyle you are content with then thats fine...but its completely unacceptable that you subject your children this sort of emotional child abuse. What kind of example are you setting for your daughters, when you yourself are unable or unwilling to expect and demand respect. Your family sounds like a story straight out of the ghetto...with all your affairs, divorces, step children, half children. Take this situation for what it is...your husband does not love you enough to be faithful to you, he wants to sleep with different women so he uses religion to justify it. You are not strong enough to be independent so you let him victimize you and your children for the small bit of emotional and physical gratification he can provide. You should really be ashamed of yourselves.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but polygamy is extremely bad for children. You said yourself you only have your husband one day in two and even when he is with you he doesn't spend his time wisely. And no doubt you want him to spend the little bit of time he is in your house with you to the detriment of your children. At the very best, your children now have only half a father. When he marries numbers three and four they will end up with a third and a quarter of a father. These men have you so brainwashed to fulfill their sexual green, that your own suffering and that of your children is ignored. If your husband loved you, he would not do anything to hurt you. Maybe you should ponder on that. I'm not being mean, I wish you well, but these matters should really be given some thought before innocent children are brought into the world.

Anonymous said...

The Crisis of Muslim Youth and a Call for a Meeting: Umar Lee

I was contacted over the weekend by a very thoughtful sister concerned about the issues surrounding Muslims sisters as outlined in my blog who thought it would be a good idea to include some resources for helping sisters and has said she is working on compiling a list of Muslim organizations set-up to counter domestic violence and the like. This weekend I also was moved by the comments of sister Musleema referring to the number of Muslim youth from broken homes who are angry and teetering on the edge of disaster. These comments led me to begin to wonder about practical things we can do to help some of those in our community who are in a state of anger, disillusionment, frustration, and at the doors of apostasy. Of those who are in this group one of the largest would be our Muslim youth especially those whose parents were a part of “movements” that gave them false hopes of an Islamic Utopia that turned into nightmares for their children.

In crafting an effort to help the youth we must first recognize that many are wounded, may have conflicted or negative perceptions towards many aspects of Islam, may not have a great relationship with at least one of their parents, and have heard all of the corny one-liners and catch-phrases of those who do not recognize any problems and have an Islamic Utopian mentality before, namely their parents and those adults they grew-up with.

These young people are from a generation of Muslims in America who have either grown-up in Muslim schools, been home schooled by Muslim parents, have grown up in the masjid and went to public schools, or are the products of parents who made “hijrah”. They read Quran, have memorized a significant number of suras, possibly speak Arabic, have never celebrated a non-Muslim holiday, have never eaten pork, and have a fairly high level of knowledge and understanding of the deen.

For the most part I am talking about the children of converts, but there are children of immigrant Muslims who fit into this category, but regardless of where their parents came from, they are all in the same boat now as many of them have grown up amongst one another and their identity is firmly that of Muslims.

The disillusionment and anger of many of these youth comes from the fact many of these children of movement Muslims, whether their parents be Salafis, Sufis, Tabliquis, or whatever, do not share the same idealism and fervor that their parents have. Rather, they see that they have moved all over the country (or world) and never been able to settle into a regular life for kids as their parents have sought the best Muslim community on the “Haqq”, have only known poverty while additional siblings were being added every year, if their parents have not been married and divorced multiple times they have many friends whose parents have, and they have seen no tangible benefits to being Muslim or shunning the dunya.

It is likely that these kids have non-Muslim relatives who attended the same schools throughout their academic career, have not moved around, are stable, and seem to be enjoying life while they feel as if they are captives of their family’s vision of Islam which forbids enjoying life.

Some of these kids come from two parent families; but we are going to have to face the reality that many of these kids have fathers who have no relationship with them and do not support them while they are out buying new thobes and the latest “must have” CD of Islamic lectures (or even giving the lectures). The other reality is that we have kids that have known 3, 5, and even 10 or 15 Muslim stepfathers in their lives and this colors their bitter vision of life as a Muslim. Having watched their mothers being treated poorly by the Muslim men in their life the girls can develop a negative attitude towards Muslim men and the boys see the hypocrisy in the talk and action at the masjid.

This is leading to an angry young generation and some will be isolated Muslims, some will strive for a better and more balanced way, some will develop emotional problems and personality disorders, and others may even leave the deen as some already have. I can point to examples of all of these things; I know Muslims who grew-up like this who are sincere practicing Muslims but having seen false-piety so much they don’t come around Muslims that often, others are trying to correct the errors of their parents and find a more balanced deen; but it is unfortunate that I know of a number of Muslim kids who grew up the children of active members in the community and given a full Islamic foundation who are now in prison, are mentally ill, or just out of balance. And then, and then you have those we all fear, who are not Muslim at all.

People may say I should not talk about this, I should leave this one alone, but the reality is that some of the young are leaving Islam, and if we do not get our act together more will do so as they are being raised by fanatical parents. Several Muslim kids I know from strong Muslim backgrounds are now in the streets selling drugs or in gangs. One sister I know has several children by a drug dealer and whose tattooed body and tight-jeans look is far from the niqaab she wore when she was 12. Her sisters are still Muslim, masha’Allah, but they have both been divorced three times before the age of eighteen, and I have to wonder what kind of a view the children of such unions will have towards the deen. Yes we can tell them the deen is the middle path and that we treat our women well and the Muslims are the standard bearers for all things good; but what will these empty words mean to them after they were raised in chaos? If a young girl has had six Muslim step-fathers can she then look at marriage in the idealistic and na├»ve way like her mother did? If a father had had twenty or thirty wives and children by several of them then is it a far step for the son to say he can have that many girlfriends and “baby mammas”? Or, on a more educated level, how will this negative experience from the deen growing up help them, say if they do go to college, combat the assault from secular humanism, outright hedonism and atheistic liberalism?

Can we expect healthy identity from Muslim kids who were say; born in St. Louis, raised in New Jersey, DC, and South Carolina before being hauled off to Yemen as their father studied deen only to get some kind of rare disease while they lived in Third World poverty? How balanced will they be? Or will they be as angry and bitter as a family of Muslim kids I know raised in Saudi Arabia who barely speak English and have been kicked out of the country only to come to America to live in a ghetto they do not understand with no job skills or edcuation.

Within the next ten years we are going to see tens of thousands of such kids coming of age all over the country who are products of parents with various Muslim movement mentalities and if we do not prepare for them now then we are going to have a wide scale disaster on our hands. One way that we can guarantee failure is to ignore the problem and pretend like it doesn’t exists because, who knows, maybe the kufar are reading and we don’t want to look bad. Already, right now, there are masjids that are dealing with this problem on a wide scale basis. There is a masjid I know of right now full of sisters who have been divorced multiple times and their angry children who they cannot control. The anger of the children is not only being directed towards their bearded and studied fathers; but towards Islam itself, as the only image they have of Muslims in their mind is of dysfunctional and unsuccessful people. Will those kids who were raised without as their fathers glorified the merits of being broke and shunned the “dunya” and education not be bitter when they look at their non-Muslim cousins living comfortable lives? Will they notice that their aunt has not been married ten times and their uncle has had the same job for 20 years?

We need to start moving towards solutions right now and not wait for the problem to grow into a calamity. All of us have the potential to bring something to the table. Some brothers and sisters like me may be able to help with youth sports (in my case boxing and wrestling) but others may be able to contribute in various ways.

This issue is so big that I think we are in need of a working meeting over one day to address the issue that can start a sustained campaign. I am sending out a call to all concerned Muslims in the Washington, DC metro area, where I currently am, to email me at umarlee at gmail.com if you are interested. This means brothers and sisters and Muslims form all backgrounds and anyone with good ideas. After I get the emails insha’Allah I will secure a location and a date and time. Please do not miss this opportunity to be a part of a solution and I will be writing about this as things develop.

www.umarlee.com

Anonymous said...

asalamu 3alaikum i'd like to wish you and your children and entire family a eid mubarak to begin with :).

sis i just wanted to say i admire you for your strength patience and courage.i feel alot of the way you dealt with things i might have dealt similarly had this situation crossed my path,if not similar then worse.i know alot of sisters will have bad opinions of your husband or lisa,but i personally dont think its for us to judge them becuase we dont even know them.i wish i had more positive people like you in my life that way my emaan would be lifted when it needed to be.may allah protect you your children your marriage from shaytan and keep u strong and patient.i felt like calling my husband right after i read this blog and he assured me my imagination was wandering but i couldnt help but point out to him that people who dont consider polgyny in their first marriage dont know whats goign to happen in their future.honestly what happened to you could happen to anyone.i hope to hear more from you sis..........i support you as ur sister in islam and somehow through these writings of yours i learned to love you for the sake of allah feeamanillah ukhti

Anonymous said...

and by the way its not anyones business to tell her how to raise her own children.i think as a god fearing individual she knows whats best for children better than any of us do and her situation is not sinful unless the children are completely neglected.some people don't marry more than once and have 13 14 15 kids do you think their parents have time for each and every one?i didnt read the entire comments left for you sis but i get the feeling that people are trying to tell you negative things and just keep in mind that shaytan can come to you in any form wal a3yazu billah............

Anonymous said...

oh yeah and mabrook on the newborn :)!

Ruqayyah said...

Assalaamu alaykum

I stumbled across this post at about 11 oclock this morning (its eid day in the uk today!) I have done nothing all day but read through your blog!!
Truly Allah tests only those that He loves, and you're trials in your marriage are suffice to prove to you just how much Allah (swt) loves you.
You have a huge heart, much patience and I make dua Allah increases you in that and rewards you in adundance. Ameen
You are an example for a lot of us, at times we become so engrossed in our problems we forget to thank Allah for what He has given us and look to those who are less fortunate than us.. Subhan Allah, Allah promises us if we are grateful He will give us more.
I think you're doing a fab job in your marriage, with your children and your co- wife. May Allah make all matters easy for you and reward you in abundance! Ameen
Keep smiling!
wasalaam