Monday, November 06, 2006

My husband and I fought last night because I told him that if he and my co-wife have a child then I will probably pack my bags and leave. I know a lot of you are thinking that this is wrong, but you just don't understand how screwed up all of our kids are. We have 8 kids between the two of us. Alhamdulillah mine aren't completely screwed up yet, but if things continue the way that they are my kids will follow.

Shouldn't a man take care of his responsibilities before he goes and adds more to them? The fight started when he told me that just as I have the right to have a child....so does she. No one is arguing with that, but he cannot take care of anymore kids. He barely takes care of the ones he has now. The first four are lost subhan Allah. Just so you have a glimpse of what he has on his plate.....he has 4 kids 2 who have been out of school for 4 years who are now 15 and 16. The 12 and 11 year old have been out for 1 & 1/2 years and a year prior to that. The older ones play mommy at home to the boys and the all the boys do is watch TV and play on the computer all day or they get bored. One boy is overweight and one boy is ADHD and has special needs and hasn't been on his meds in a year and a half (this is a huuuuuuge subject we won't even go there). That is not the half of it. Anyways then you have my kids.....They have a warpped idea of marriage and they barely see my husband or spend any quality time with him. This is not even touching the base of the kids problems and trust me that I wouldn't be exaggerating it either, but I do not want to backbite or hurt anyone's feelings by giving any more details should they run across this blog one day.

Anyways then my husband has the nerve to say that it is her right. Well I wanted to scream and maybe I even did scream "STOP MAKING BABIES YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF!!!" I am tired of this. Does he want a bunch of children just so he can say he has a lot of kids or does he want to have quality kids who contribute to society and to Islam? Won't he be responsible for the people his kids become due to the way they were raised? Trust me he will have a lot to answer to.

Fathers play a very important role in their childrens' lives. All you men need to STEP UP!!!! If you can't take care of the responsibilities you have now then stop adding more for your own selfish desires. It's not fair!!!! Am I unreasonable for saying this? Is it really just the responsibilty of the mothers to take care of the kids and raise them? Are men only there for financial support? How involved were fathers during the time of the Prophet (saaw)? My mom made me feel bad when I told her. She said that men are not there to raise the kids and that's what the mother is for. She said do you want the men to go out and work all day then come home and raise the kids too? I know my mom is a sensible person so was she right? Should I stop bugging my husband about his involvment with the children? Were we just brainwashed in these times to believe that men play a greater role than they actually do in the lives of the kids? If a mother is an adequate mother is that enough? I don't know. I am confused.

But of course I blew the whole thing out of proportion and again asked my husband if maybe we would be better off apart to which he laughed. He laughed because he knew that this is the week before that time of the month and this is the time I usually ask him for a divorce. Weird!!!! How can I stop doing that? Do you think I will be accountable for that? Sometimes I really can't help it. Isn't that the wisdom behind women not being able to get divorces as easily and the reason why men cannot get a divorce from their wives when they are on their menses? Subhan Allah how complete this religion truly is!!!!!

20 comments:

UmmBadier said...

Asalamu Walaikum Uhkti,
This is a problem for many, many sisters subhannallah. I suggest you buckle down and do a crash course in researching a muslim father's responsibilties to his children. Financial support is only the beginning. He has so much to teach them in regards to the deen. Was your mom talking about sunnah or culture? Insha allah you will find you are right and then some.
I printed out a few choice articles for my husband to read as he occasionally considers doing the "dump and donya", depositing me and the kids in a muslim country so he can go back and forth to work and I don't feel this is necessary or beneficial for our family. The articles really helped him to rethink his role. Ya know they were written by knowledgable men, not just screeching me yelling out verbatom, alhumdiallah.
Also, didn't your hub go into the 2nd marriage with the agreement that she would give up her right to maintenance? If he can't afford her, why would he be able to afford more kids? Absolutely it is her right to have kidsand she has no right to waive her children's rights for her own preferences.
Do you mean the older boys are supposed to be homeschooled or something? Do you know that it is illegal for them to be neglected like that and it would be very easy for them to be taken away. And of course, they are being neglected islamically as well.
I love you for the sake of Allah sister...and all your kids, my lil' siblings.

Maleeha said...

I cant believe your husband would have the nerve to talk about having more kids when your other children are in such a messy condition. The nerve of some men disgusts me. You are absolutely right about demanding that he either step up or step off. My father is the single most important person in my life (this includes my mother and my husband, as much as I love them) - even though he was always working, he took out any time he had extra for me and my brother and was monumental in our lives. He played with us, cried with us, cheered us on, supported us, scolded us, and loved us as we were growing up. My heart goes out to your poor children who dont know what a real father is supposed to be.

Khala Aishah said...

Vena, you know that your request is totally unreasonable. First, you don't have a say in what your husband does with his other wife/wives. Plus, having kids is a big part of married muslim life. I can relate to your angst about basically raising your kids alone, but this is your akhirah - not his. Your mom is right, you can't expect to work outside the home and turn around and go to work at home. Also, brother's tend to have a thing getting deeply involved in raising girls. Give him nasiha. Also, help him find a niche with the girls, insha'Allah. My husband like to read I Spy with the our girls, but he didn't discover this on his own, he needed help.
Also, sometimes when we get involved in the formation of our husband's union with another wife, we tend to think we have a say and of course we really don't. Take care insha'Allah.

vena said...

See this is exactly my point. Sis could you please send me the link to those articals? I don't know how to get it in his head. And yes I know it is illegal for all of them to be out of school. There mom has claimed to be homeschooling, but isn't. The problem is that if we call CPS then we don't know where the girls will be put. The boys will go to their father, but the girls are not biologically his so that would pose a problem. I think this is one of the reasons she has been afraid to put them back in school. How is she going to explain why they have been out for so long? She is afraid they will report her and take the kids away. But this is not fair to the kids who have no education and therefore have no future. It's so sad and frustrating for me.

vena said...

sis I do not want to control my husband's life, but his life effects mine and therefore effects my kids as well. Any kids that he has will have an effect on my kids. My husband's kids have to be a part of my children's life and because of the way that they were raised it is teaching my kids negative things. His son who needs to be on his meds can also get physical at any given moment. I think my husband has to fix what he has before he goes and makes another. Kids are a responsibility they are not ornaments!!!

Honorary Arab said...

Asalamalaykom Vena,

Dear Sister. I've had this conversation myself and I didn't have any right to have it and neither did you. God bless you for being an "Earth Mother" who wants the best for all children. Truth is that you have to detach from what he's got going on with other women and with his children from other women.

My hub's son is on asthma meds in Egypt. He is too little for such strong meds and he hasn't even been diagnosed with asthma! I researched everything on the net, presented it to my hub and he called their mom. In the end, he's still on the meds. None of my business...it's just time wasted...energy wasted...fitnah in your house. Knock it off. :)

As for mythical babies...DON'T EVEN GO THERE! Why start growing mythical babies in his mind????? That's dumb. I did it too. Hey, they even named it....I ranted on that one...I was p*ssed to read the name of their mythical baby when he wasn't spending any time with our own real 4 mo. old baby. BUT I had to get a grip and remember that they hadn't seen each other in over 4 years, let alone been intimate. Can't make a baby thousands of miles apart! So, let them talk it out and enshahallah they'll figure it out. Maybe they will and maybe they won't. But, I'm OUT OF IT!

And Darlin', you should be too :)

Henna Sooq said...

Assalaamu Alaikum
I agree with Aisha on the part that we can't tell them not to have a baby. Because part of being married is having kids. I have five kids myself and just him, so I really do know it's tough. It's very tough.
Men do need to step up and help balance out the households. Yes many of them work all day, but a man who comes home and eats and rests can be part of his household too. Boys need guidance, they need their dad to be around them. Girls do too because most likely they are going to choose a man who is like their father.
I just really feel that we should all find some type of balance. Because a man making his wife feel like a queen, then she will in turn make him feel like the man ! I won't say king because Allah is MY KING ! mashaAllah!

It is very hard for the woman do it all alone or to be felt like she is on her own. There is so much that needs to be given to kids, to raise them, to educate them and it doesn't get any easier.
May Allah make it easy for all of us ameen !

Khadija
www.HennaSooq.com

Chikki said...

I am fascinated by your blog, because it is a whole different world for me.

I feel really bad for your kids...they need to be in school!

Good luck and take care.

Safa said...

Her kids are in school, chikki...it's his other kids she's talking about......lol....just thought I'd clear that up.

Vena....as much as I know that everyone has a point here.....I'm in ur boat. My hubby hasn't been a full-time...even a half-time father to his kids in 6 yrs....the idea of him having more just makes me sad. My 3 yr old grew up without him.....she used to call him Amu instead of Baba....how sad is that?

vena said...

That is really sad!!! I should have known you would get what I'm saying.

Um Mahtab said...

I've been reading your blog for a while now (found u thru Safa). It makes me so sad to hear the state his children are in. No education? That is preposterous. Does he not realize what kind of self-esteem and finance problems will arise in the future when they have to catch up? Not to mention huge, bitter resentment. Men like this... SubhanAllah, they drive me crazy with their myopia, incurable stupidity and selfishness. OMG... I was sort of neglected when i was a teenager, and it did a lot of damage, and it filled me with rage. And i'm an ONLY child! How easy it is for a man to unzip his pants, sire a few unfortunate kids, and then dump the responsibility on everyone but himself. How very easy, he doesn't even have to change a single diaper for the sake of his so-called "manhood". I have no words for the disgust i feel for such men. Ugh. :( Sure, they need to relax after work, relax relax relax, and let their kids go neglected and deprived of fatherly love and guidance at the expense of his precious relaxation. How unlike the Sunnah. Did our Prophet peace be upon him ever put his "relaxation" ahead of his fatherly duties? (Not to mention everything else he had to do). Since when is loving, playing, talking with, protecting, educating and bonding with children deemed repulsive "work"? And yeah, let's ALL be patient till the day Sir Pompous steps off his flaccid manly pedestal and treats the family like human beings. Let's all waste away in pious humiliation till that day happens. I can't talk anymore. I'm so sorry if this sounded mean, it's just that the topic of neglected children rips right through every nerve in my body. Salam Alaykum.

Queenie said...

salaams

im new here. i statred blogging last friday 3/11/2006. ive read your blog as well and i was surprised and hurt by all the things transpired. sisters i want to ask a question here, why do wel wllow oursleves to go through all this. why do we put up with brothers who dont treat us right, who lie and cheat and misuses and abuse us?

are we perhaps so dependant on them that we fear that we cant survive or wont have a life without them. but if we take a deep long look at the grief, the pain, the suffering, the injusttice that they cause is, is it not time that we maybe put ourselves first and make a decision thats best for us and the kids.

who am i to talk. after all i am enduring unfair treatment at the hands of a supposed husband who has no commitment to me, and whom i see 3 times a month if im lucky.

Musleema said...

Why is it not vena's business what her husband does? Does not her husband's maa'siya to Allah affect the whole of his household? Subhannallah! Really, it so frustrating that we as sisters can be so careless of one another and yet preach all night about the sunnah of our husband's rights.Ya elahi.

Vena, wallah Im so proud of you for thinking about the welfare of all of your husband's children. May Allah love you because obviously many people are not thinking about them and their rights to be care for, loved and educated.If your husband can not fully provide for his second wife's necessities than he is wrong to be thinking about more babies. She is not saying don't ever have children with the other, but subhannallah, plan for it so that the khyr can come from it inshallah. The enormity of having children you know you can't provide for is far reaching. He might as well kick the kids into the streets now because that is where kids who are not taken care of end up no matter what faith they were born with. Im sure you've seen Muslim kids grow up and go astray Vena. It happens quite often in the US.

With so many daughters that you have vena I am worried for them. Alhamdulilah with Safa she is in Egypt with her girls, but life in the US for Muslim girls is tougher. I know had not my father took the time and interest in me growing up to know what I was doing and to be apart of it, my life would be different.

You said you need to stop asking for a divorce all the time and you do. He is taking it as a joke when really you actually have due cause for one. Get to your local Imam for counseling. This is serious. I remember once you said you didn't want Allah to test you through your children, what makes you sure He won't? Are you putting forward the best example of Islam and the life of a Muslimah for your daughters to grow up and want to emulate? Or are you setting the pavement for them to depise it?

Living the outer shell of Islam: having a bearded husband, two wives in niqab with plently of children is easy, but truly Allah is al Adil,and your kids will know whether they grew up with real lip service or within a real loving Muslim home.

The choices your husband makes doesn't just stop with him. It affects you, your co-wife and all of your children lives as well. You don't want to have to meet one of your own children before Allah because of want you allowed to affect them? Nor do you want to play apart in their growing up and falling astray. Wallahool musta'aan

vena said...

As salamu alikum sisters.....To tell you the truth I am not as worried about my children as I am worried about the other kids. Alhamdulillah Allah has given me guidance in my life to allow me to raise my children islamically. I will stand by my kids no matter what and make sure they grow up with Islam implemented in their lives. If I fail at other things insha Allah this is something I hope to succeed in. I pray for my children often. Their islamic education is #1 to me. Insha Allah my kids will be ok, but I don't want them to miss out on anything. Having a father involved in their life is very important, but many women have raised wonderful kids on their own. I wish to have him more involved, but if he's not then it's his loss. Alhamdulillah I have a wonderful family to support me if the need ever arise. I love my husband and he is a good man and a wonderful provider, but I just wish he would think before he had children. I wish that he would take the time to be more involved with them and nurture them. He is good when he is there, but he is there half the time now. The little time we had before is now cut in two. My step kids' mother plays a huge role in this because the kids live with her, but I see it that if she is not doing her part then he has to stand in because he will be accountable if he was able to do something and didn't. I just want him to see that it is a responsibility, they are not toys....for us they are a 24/7 ordeal. Kids are our full-time job. Anyways alhamdulillah 3alla kul hal. Whatever Allah wills will happen no matter what I want or don't want. If he has another child then I will be hurt at first, but I know I will love it as if it were my child and I will help my husband and Lisa care for it anytime that they need me. We are a family and we will stick together insha Allah, but it's time to fix the mistakes of the past and hope for a better future.

Sis Ice queen.....to answer your question about why we women allow ourselves to go through this.....I have to say that we may be afraid of giving up on something we put our time and effort in. It is not easy to let go when you have invested your heart in the relationship. Many times I felt I wanted to leave my husband, but I know he is a good husband who acted like a man. The one reason I stay with my husband is because I KNOW he fears Allah (swt) in everything that he does. Is he human? He sure is. Does he make mistakes? He sure does. I am not perfect so why do I expect him to be? I have made istikhara on whether to leave him or to stay and Subhan Allah everytime something happens to make me at ease and I stay so I know Allah has a plan for me where I'm at and I have to just deal. So that's what I'm doing....Dealing. I am just taking all of you for the ride with me. lol. love to all. fi amman Allah.

JamilaLighthouse said...

I agree that you have a right to voice your opinion on this matter because of how it impacts upon your household, that being said you can only give advice. He is the one with the responsibilty. And truly, he should think about this.How does he feel about what's happening with his children, does he take any personal responsibilty or does he just blame it on the society around them? All wives have rights, therefore when a husband marries another woman he has to make sure he is in a position to respect and uphold the obligations that he ALREADY has and then also be able to uphold her rights. If she agrees to forego rights, she can do this, but she shouldn't be pressured into it.

Having a child is an absolute right of a woman in marriage, so much so that I think in Sharia there is a view that a man is not allowed to withhold his sperm if the wife wishes to have a child (this is from memory so please confirm with proper knowledgable people). A woman can only have one husband so he is her only way of having a child. Children are a trust in the hands of both their parents. Childrearing is a joint responsibilty, not just the role of the mother. It is not the Sunna for a man to go to work and then come home and do nothing, this is just the unfortunate reality of many Muslim cultures. A woman at home with children is also working, why should her husbands day be only 8 hours when hers is 24? Rest and division of labour and responsibilties should be based on the individual circumstances of the family. Eg. If a man has a highly stressful job with long hours, his wife has just a small undemanding baby then there is justification for him taking it easy when he comes home. If however she is struggling to manage ten children and never gets any sleep, he comes home after sitting in an office twiddling his thumbs and then expects to be waited on, there is something wrong with this picture. A just and compassionate man will see to his wifes needs, a loving wife will do the same for her husband. And NEITHER should overextend themselves so that their basic obligations suffer.

So what happens if this situation has already arisen, time for major consultation with people with knowledge (proper knwledge, not just a semester in Sharia). Everyone needs to sit down with a Sheikh, have their rights and obligations outlined to them and then worl out where they feel comfortable. Easier said than done, most men don't want to seek help or admit that their are problems...too bad, it is their responsibilty to do so. Better stop before I write an essay....Jesak Allah Khairun Vena, may Allah make it easier for you and give your husband and your whole family hidaya.

peacefulmuslimah said...

Vena,

Don't sell out your God given common sense on this issue. You are right and the issue of whether Lisa is entitled to a child is a non-issue. She already has a son doesn't she? She knew what she was getting into. He's in over his head. That's no reason for you to have to drown, too. You have too many children depending on you.

Salaam Alaikum,
PM

UmmBadier said...

Asalamu Wakaium Uhkti,
Having read your reversion story, masha allah, it is obvious you come from a unique position that enables you to fully understand the significant role of Muslim parents,insha allah.
Maybe some (read sisters) would doubt your intentions regading this issue. Yes, a child would cement their relationship...even if they weren't to remain married.
I would like to reiterate that Lisa has waived her right to maintanence, which is HOW he can AFFORD her. Allhualim if he could
adequately AFFORD another child at this time. The issue seems to be more about TIME. A father must provide time to his children to be able to fufill their rights that are not finacial based obligations. The way you describe the situation of the other children he has are being GROSSLY neglected and it seems he may not understand his role as a father. I'm not talking about laundry and diaper changes. I'm talking about their ISLAMIC up bringing.
Here's some stuff to get ya going insha allah when my 4 littles are not tieing me up, I'll try to postmore stuff on my blog too...
This sister has lots of good stuff up Masha Allah...

http://members.tripod.com/oum_abdulaziz/mothering.htm

Here is one of my favs off her site:
http://members.tripod.com/oum_abdulaziz/rights.html

Then, of course, there are lots of relevent fatwahs out there. I suggest you check out the Children's Upbring Page for questions that interest you...

http://islamqa.com/index.php?cref=423&pglist=1000000&ln=eng

I like this one a lot...
http://islamqa.com/index.php?ref=10016&ln=eng

And now, only because you asked, I have tried to refrain myself from drive-by-fatwahing sisters...This is my fav...

20064

Rights of children

Question:
What are the rights of wife, children on the man.

Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.

1 – The wife’s rights:

These have been discussed in detail in the answer to question no. 10680

2 – The children’s rights.

Allaah has given children rights over their parents just as the parents have rights over their children.

It was narrated that Ibn ‘Umar said: “Allaah has called them abraar (righteous) because they honoured (barru) their fathers and children. Just as your father has rights over you, so too your child has rights over you.

Al-Adab al-Mufrad, 94.

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, according to a hadeeth narrated by ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar, “… and your child has rights over you.” Muslim, 1159.

The child’s rights over their children include some that come even before the child is born, for example:

1 – Choosing a righteous wife to be a righteous mother.

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A woman may be married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Marry the one who is religiously committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4802; Muslim, 1466).

Shaykh ‘Abd al-Ghani al-Dahlawi said: Choose from among women those who are religiously committed and righteous, and who are of good descent, for if a woman is of illegitimate descent, this bad characteristic may be passed to her children. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“The adulterer — fornicator marries not but an adulteress — fornicatress or a Mushrikah; and the adulteress –fornicatress, none marries her except an adulterer — fornicater or a Mushrik”

[al-Noor 24:3]

Rather Islam recommends compatibility for the purpose of harmony and to avoid a person being shamed if he marries into a family that is not compatible.

Sharh Sunan Ibn Maajah, 1/141

Rights after the child is born:

1 – It is Sunnah to do tahneek for the child when he is born:

It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The son of Abu Talhah was sick. Abu Talhah went out and the child died, and when Abu Talhah returned he said, “What happened to my son?” Umm Sulaym (his wife) said, ‘He is quieter than he was.” Then she brought him his dinner and he ate, then he had marital relations with her, and when he finished she said, “They buried the child.” The following morning, Abu Talhah went to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and told him what had happened. He said, “Did you have marital relations last night?” He said, “Yes.” He said, “O Allaah, bless them.” She later gave birth to a boy. Abu Talhah said to me, “Keep him until I bring him to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).” He brought him to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and I sent some dates with him. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) took him and said, “Is there anything with him?” They said, “Yes, some dates.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) took some and chewed it, then he took some from his mouth and put it in the child’s mouth (tahneek), and named him ‘Abd-Allaah.

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5153; Muslim, 2144

Al-Nawawi said:

The scholars are agreed that it is mustahabb to do tahneek with dates for the child when he is born; if that is not possible then to use some similar kind of sweet. The dates should be chewed until they become soft enough to be swallowed, then the child’s mouth should be opened and a little of the dates put in his mouth.

Sharh al-Nawawi ‘ala Muslim, 14/122-123

2 – The child should be given a good name, such as ‘Abd-Allaah or ‘Abd al-Rahmaan.

It was narrated from Naafi’ that Ibn ‘Umar said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The most beloved of your names to Allaah are ‘Abd-Allaah and ‘Abd al-Rahmaan.”

(Narrated by Muslim, 2132)

It is mustahabb to give the child a Prophet’s name:

It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A child was born to me last night and I called him by the name of my father Ibraaheem.”

Narrated by Muslim, 2315

It is mustahabb to name the child on the seventh day, but there is nothing wrong with naming him on the day of his birth, because of the hadeeth quoted above.

It was narrated from Samurah ibn Jundub that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Every child is in pledge for his ‘aqeeqah which should be slaughtered for him on the seventh day, his head should be shaved and he should be named.

Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2838; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4541

Ibn al-Qayyim said:

The purpose of naming is to define the thing named, because if there is something whose name is unknown it is difficult to refer to it. So it is permissible to name him (the child) on the day he is born, and it is permissible to delay the naming until the third day, or until the day of the ‘aqeeqah, or before or after that. The matter is broad in scope.”

Tuhfat al-Mawlood, p. 111

3 – It is Sunnah to shave the child’s head on the seventh day and to give the weight of the hair in silver in charity.

It was narrated that ‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) slaughtered a sheep as the ‘aqeeqah for al-Hasan, and he said, “O Faatimah, shave his head and give the weight of his hair in silver in charity.” So she weighed it and its weight was a dirham or part of a dirham.

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1519; classed as hasan by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1226.

4 – It is mustahabb for the father to do the ‘aqeeqah, as stated in the hadeeth quoted above, “Every child is in pledge for his ‘aqeeqah.”

Two sheep should be sacrificed for a boy and one for a girl.

It was narrated from ‘Aa’ishah that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) commanded them (to sacrifice) two similar sheep for a boy and one for a girl.

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1513; Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1221; Abu Dawood, 2834; al-Nasaa’i, 4212; Ibn Maajah, 3163

5 – Circumcision

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The fitrah is five things, or five things are part of the fitrah: circumcision, shaving the pubic hairs, plucking the armpit hairs, clipping the nails and trimming the moustache.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5550; Muslim, 257

The child’s rights with regard to education and upbringing:

It was narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The ruler who is in charge of people is a shepherd and is responsible for them. The man is the shepherd of his household and is responsible for them. The woman is the shepherd of her husband’s house and child and is responsible for them. The slave is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2416; Muslim, 1829.

So parents must take care of teaching their children the duties of Islam and other virtues that are recommended in sharee’ah, and worldly matters that they need in order to live a decent life in this world.

The man should start by teaching them the most important things, then the next most important. So he starts by teaching them correct ‘aqeedah, free from shirk and bid’ah. Then he teaches them the acts of worship, especially prayer. Then he teaches them and trains them in good manners and characteristics, and everything that is good.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And (remember) when Luqmaan said to his son when he was advising him: “O my son! Join not in worship others with Allaah. Verily, joining others in worship with Allaah is a great Zulm (wrong) indeed”

[Luqmaan 31:13]

It was narrated from ‘Abd al-Malik ibn al-Rabee’ ibn Sabrah from his father that his grandfather said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Teach the child to pray when he is seven years old, and smack him if he does not pray when he is ten.”

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 407; Abu Dawood, 494. Classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4025

It was narrated that al-Rubayyi’ bint Mu’awwidh said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent word on the morning of Ashoora’ to the areas where the Ansaar lived (on the outskirts of Madeenah), saying: Whoever did not fast this morning, let him not eat for the rest of the day, and whoever started fasting this morning, let him complete his fast. She said: We used to observe this fast after that, and we used to make our children fast and make them toys of wool; if one of them cried for food we would give him that toy until it was time to break the fast.

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1859; Muslim, 1136

It was narrated that al-Saa’ib ibn Yazeed said: I was taken for Hajj with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when I was seven years old.

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1759

Training in good manners and characteristics:

Every father and mother should train their children in praiseworthy characteristics and good manners, whether towards Allaah, His Prophet the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), towards their Qur’aan and ummah, and with everyone whom they know and who has rights over them. They should not behave badly with those whom they mix with, their neighbours or their friends.

Al-Nawawi said:

The father must discipline his child and teach him what he needs to know of religious duties. This teaching is obligatory upon the father and all those in charge of children before the child reaches the age of adolescence. This was stated by al-Shaafa’i and his companions. Al-Shaafa’i and his companions said: This teaching is also obligatory upon the mother, if there is no father, because it is part of the child’s upbringing and they have a share of that and the wages for this teaching may be taken from the child’s own wealth. If the child has no wealth then the one who is obliged to spend on him may spend on his education, because it is one of the things that he needs. And Allaah knows best.

Sharh al-Nawawi ‘ala Saheeh Muslim, 8/44

The father should bring them up with good manners in all things, eating, drinking, dressing, sleeping, going out of the house, entering the house, riding in vehicles, etc, and in all their affairs. He should instill in them the attributes of a good man, such as love of sacrifice, putting others first, helping others, chivalry and generosity. He should keep them away from evil characteristics such as cowardice, stinginess, lack of chivalry, lack of ambition, etc.

Al-Manaawi said:

“Just as your parents have rights over you, so too your child has rights over you, rather many rights, such as teaching them the individual obligations, teaching them Islamic manners, giving them gifts equally, whether that is a gift, a waqf, or other gift. If preference is shown with no reason, that is regarded as invalid by some of the scholars and as makrooh by others.

Fayd al-Qadeer, 2/574

He must also protect his sons and daughters from everything that may bring them close to the Fire. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allaah, but do that which they are commanded”

[al-Tahreem 66:6]

al-Qurtubi said:

al-Hasan commented on this verse by saying, Command them and forbid them. One of the scholars said: (The phrase) Ward off (or protect) yourselves includes children, because the child is part of him, as it says in the verse (interpretation of the meaning): “…nor on yourselves, if you eat from your houses…” [al-Noor 24:61], where the various relatives are not mentioned individually. So he should teach him what is halaal and what is haraam, and make him avoid sin, and teach him other rulings.

Tafseer al-Qurtubi, 18/194-195.

Spending:

This is one of the father’s obligations towards his children; it is not permissible for him to fall short in that or to neglect this matter, rather he is obliged to do this duty in the fullest sense.

It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “It is sufficient sin for a man if he neglects those on whom he is obliged to spend.”

Narrated by Abu Dawood, 1692; classed as sahan by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4481.

Another of the greatest rights is to give the child a good upbringing and take good care of him or her – especially in the case of girls. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) encouraged this righteous deed.

It was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah the wife of the Prophet (S) said: A woman came to me with two daughters and asked me for food, and I could not find anything except one date which I gave to her. She shared it between her two daughters, then she got up and went out. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came in and I told him what had happened. He said: “Whoever is in charge of any of these girls and treats them well, they will be a shield for him against the Fire.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5649; Muslim, 2629

Another important matter which is one of the rights of children to which attention must be paid, is treating children fairly. This right was referred to by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) in the saheeh hadeeth: “Fear Allaah and treat your children fairly.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2447; Muslim, 1623). It is not permissible to show preference to females over males, just as it is not permissible to show preference to males over females. If the father makes this mistake and shows preference to some of his children over others, and does not treat them fairly, this will lead to many evils, such as:

The harm that befalls the father himself, for the children whom he denies or deprives will grow up to hate him. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) referred to this in the hadeeth narrated by Muslim (1623) when he said to the father of al-Nu’maan, “Would you like them to honour you equally?” He said, “Yes.” In other words, if you want them all to honour you equally, then be fair in giving gifts to them.

Another evil consequence is the children hating one another, and stoking the flames of hatred and enmity between them.

And Allaah knows best.

vena said...

Jazaki Allah khair sister for all of these wonderful hadeeths.

Muslim Flower said...

Salam alaikum sister I understand how you feel about the children he currently has however it is not any of your business if he has a child with Lisa or not. It is something for the both of them to decide. Salam alaikum

Anonymous said...

Why do you have two more children since this happened? You need to put a full stop.