Some of you may be surprised to hear this, but I have been contemplating getting a divorce from my husband. My emotions are really mixed right now. I am struggling with myself. This is my jihad an-naafs. I don't know what to do? Believe it or not; things between Lisa and I have never been better. We have become very close in the past month and she has really been there for me, but I guess my shaytan has been working on me. Or is it really shaytan? Yes this is the week before my period, but it isn't that. Here are the thoughts that flow through my head.

The negative thougths......

1. My time with my husband has been cut in half. This includes my husband's time with our kids that has also been cut in half.

2. I share my husband with a woman who doesn't have small kids in her house. My house is full of noise and action and her house is the getaway from that noise and action.

3. I have to share my days with my kids and when the day is gone we are zonked. She doesn't have to share her days with anyone. She shares her days with him which allows her more quality time.

4. Intimacy is not the same. I will not go into details, but it has changed. I am the one being effected of course because I am the one with the kids.

5. I recenty found out that Lisa and my husband have been trying to have a baby for the past 4 months. WHAT THE H*** are they thinking??? Shouldn't he be emotionally and physically able to be there for another child. Has he been capable with his other children? NO!!! Take care of the ones you got buddy before you go and make some more.

6. Life is so unstabe. It feels like the house is a stop and go. He comes and he goes. We have no stability. It doesn't feel like a marriage any longer. I feel drained emotionally.

7. He is not abe to be there for me and the children as we need him to be. I feel like if it isn't my day I have to ask for other people to be with me to help me care for my kids. It's not easy.

It all goes back to this thought.....Don't get me wrong......I love my kids and I would die for them, but as far as he is concerned I feel as if I am the nanny and she is the wife. She gets to be his companion and I am the children's caretaker. I know that probably is just shaytan, but I am just trying to stay true to my thoughts. I want to be his wife and the caretaker of his children like I once was. Is that too much to ask? I don't feel that it's fair that when the kids are sick I have to worry about them, when they scream in the middle of the night I have to stay awake with them, and so on and so forth while he gets his quiet nights rest at her place. Am I being unrealistic???? Am I being unreasonable???? Someone tell me. Am I in la la land hoping that he helps me in raising these girls. Is it truly only the responsibility of the mother to take care of the children while the men should care for them financially? If I am getting something wrong then tell me. should I toughen up? You always here of how our grandmothers took care of 10 kids at a time by themselves and didn't complain and time and technology was not as advanced. They cooked from scratch, they did heavy duty cleaning, and at the same time they taught and raised their kidswith good morals and a quality education. These women held the family together without whining as I am. Did they have help???? what is different now? I must get a grip!!!! I feel like I am losing it. I am overwhelmed and I don't know what to do about it. Please help.
Ok here are the positive thoughts.......

1. The ajr (reward) for being patient will be so great, but only if I am sincerely patient.

2. At least I do not have to worry about finances. He provides for my every need.

3. He is fair when it comes to time.

4. He is very loving and tries very hard to make me feel loved.

5. Having him part-time for the kids will be better than not having him at all. He loves his kids so much and they are crazy about him as well.

6.This is my test and I must pass it.

7. How can I give up a man that I am in love with?

8. They are both dounia and I must strive for the Hereafter. Instead of letting shaytan distract me with their marriage and what they do, I must focus on my eman, strengthen it, and focus on what I do.

My poor husband seem to be really getting effected by the thought of us leaving. I am at my mom's right now taking a break from things. He seemed really upset and sad at me leaving even for a few days. I told him that I can no longer live like this. I am not going to ask him to leave her. She is more of what he was looking for in a wife, but that he should allow me to move on and be happy as well. He reminded me that if I get remarried he will take the girls from me. So I assured him that it would be over my dead body. Not really, but you never threaten a woman with her kids......NEVER!!! If I have to stay single the rest of my life to keep from giving my kids up I would. Seperating my girls is a very big deal for me as well.

Anyways remarriage is not in my mind right now anyways. We'll discuss it if it happens. He tried to also tell me that I could not take the kids out of the country or to live far from him. I told him that according to the shari3ah he was right in me having to give him the children should I choose to remarry, but that he could not tell me where I can and can't move to. That would not be his right once we are divorced. He told me that If I didn't agree to not move out of the country then I would have to get a khula because he will not agree to it. Anyways we are ok and we are slowly discussing things, but it's about time he sees what he could lose and what price he paid. This week that I will be with my mom will give him a taste of what his life would be like without us. Anyways I am becoming numb and that is my sign that things have to change. Which way will we go??? Only Allah knows!!!!

As salamu alikum to all. I finally got internet. I missed being connected to the blog world, but I'm back and so much has happened. Insha Allah I will fill you in the first chance I get, but for now I gotta go cuz the kiddos are coming home soon from school. I can't wait to catch up on what I've missed in everyone's blogs.