Lisa and I text message eachother today and here is how it goes.....
Lisa: salam. I miss U
Vena: Salam. Sure U do.
Vena: Y don't u ever call me then?
Lisa: I like the messages better.
(She meant text messages. We love the sound of receiving texts. We text A loooooot. )
Vena: So Y not text me then? I was seriously upset with u.
( I told my hubby a few days ago how she never calls to invite me, but I always do. I am the one who calls and texts most of the time and when she doesn't and I get fed up and don't call she gets sad and says I forgot about her and gives me a guilt trip.)
Lisa: Really?
Vena: Yeah..... He (our husband) didn't tell u?
Lisa: No
Vena: I just hate feeling that our friendship is one sided.
Lisa: U know I miss our friendship before. When it was just U and me. I feel like U don't need me anymore. U have so many people around U and I know I had a lot to do with it since I married HIM but I miss US then. When we used to wash clothes together, go shopping, when we used to spend the whole day together at ur home.....sometimes watching Tyra, decorating......I know it's stupid......
(she means before when she lived with me....before she married my husband)
Vena: It's not stupid....I miss that too. I don't hang out with hardly anyone anymore. I guess I just have this false expectation that we should be closer than we are.
Lisa: I don't know how to get close to U anymore.
Vena: Me either, but I'm trying.
Lisa: I know U are I always see that.
Vena: I just want 2 see it from u 2.
Lisa: I don't know how to but I will try.
Vena: Just act like b4 when we lived together. Don't treat me like I'm the other woman.
Vena: Anyways if He decides to stay at the masjid 2nite and u want 2 stay over then let me know cuz I will b all alone. All my kids except the baby are staying at his ex-wife's house.
Lisa: OK
Vena: Only if u want 2 of course. I will not get mad if u don't.
Lisa: Ok. Crazy.
Later that night. My husband calls me when I am at his ex-wife's house. We chit chat a while and he tells me that he will probably stay at the masjid that night. I told him it's a good idea and that I told lisa she can come stay with me because I will be all by myself. So he liked the idea and said he would talk to her about it because it made sense to do that. Instead of him waking up to go for Qiyam al layl he would just sleep at the masjid on her day and on mine and wake up for qiyam at the masjid itself. I thought he was going to, but then I got a few more texts saying......
Lisa: R u at the masjid?
Vena: no. Y?
Lisa: I don't think he is gonna stay at the masjid.
Vena : (thinking "weird, but ok") OH OK!!!
Lisa: What r u doing?
Vena: I'm at his ex's house. I'm about 2 go home in half an hour insha Allah.
The END!!!!!!
WEIRD I don't know what do say.....I am not going to go out of my way anymore insha Allah. I don't want to keep disappointing myself and if she gets mad that I don't call then so be it. I will not try alone. A friendship has to be two ways.......end of story!!!!!
13 comments:
I tried to post u yesterday....but ur little comment bar wouldn't pop up! Sheesh!
You know what came to mind when I read this? Is that when you take a step towards Allah, Allah runs towards you. I think you are on the right path. If Lisa doesn't make the first move.....you go ahead and do what you are doing. You are doing the right thing. Don't let yourself be on any other level, cuz you are on the highest one when you deal with Allah. If Lisa isn't there, then you continue with the good example. Isn't that what ur friendship was about before?? About you teaching her? Masha Allah....I want you to be happy for what you've done and are doing.....don't waste time regretting things....nothing good ever comes of it.
Asalamalaykom Vena,
Honestly, I don't feel comfortable with the level that you are trying for. You aren't friends any more. You are co-wives/co-sisters whatever. The dynamics changed, but both of you are missing the old way. Well, the old way died.
It doesn't mean that this new way is horrible and the two of you have to be mean to each other. But, text messaging like this? Sure, there's bound to be misunderstanding and miscommunication. You know why you are texting? Because it's impersonal. The two of you don't seem to fully trust each other any more. So, you choose the least personal way of communication so you don't see each other, don't hear, don't fell what's actually happening with the other person.
And, to me, it feels forced. Just let it be. You are trying to come off sounding like the hero in this, but that's not fair. I'm being honest, and enshahallah you will hear kindness and not an attack. You are wanting us to side with you and your way of telling the story.
Does she know you print all of this private stuff on the computer? Would she like that? Do you have her permission? Think about that. What do you really want? Our approval or her harmonious relationship with you? Because the way you are playing it, you are asking for us to disapprove of her and her actions. And we will. We like you. But is that right? Is that creating goodness between you two sisters?
May you find the things within what I've written that help you and discard the rest, enshahallah.
I luv u HA but I have to disagree. You said "Honestly, I don't feel comfortable with the level that you are trying for. You aren't friends any more. You are co-wives/co-sisters whatever."
I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyother level of friendship or intimacy with a sister that I am sharing my hubby with. You say that they aren't friends they are co-wives but I can't understand why it has to be one or the other.
Well, HA had a totally different comment than me....and I don't disagree. She reminds me of my American friend who loves playing the devil's advocate. She is showing us the flip side of the coin. I don't think offense should be taken by her comments....I think it needs some soul searching.
We all know what you strive to have, PL....and I think it's wonderful........I look at HA's post as a reality check.
I like ur last sentence....why does it have to be one or the other.....I spose friends wouldn't communicate by text messages.....especially not as a resort to solving some problems.....
In many blogs, it's usually cairogal who comes up with the brilliant observations.....
As salamu alikum HA.....While I sincerely respect your opinion and your views on my post....I have to respectfully disagree with your comment for a number of reasons. First I would like to say that yes Lisa was my friend and is now my co-wife, but she is still my friend. We do miss the old way and perhaps like you said the old way is dead, but it will not be forgotten and it could be renewed. Our friendship will never be the same, but it doesn't mean that it has to end. As long as we are married to the same man our lives will always be connected. I cannot ignore the fact that she was once a part of my life, nor do I want to. Maybe I can do that with a co-wife who is a stranger or someone I do not care for, but I cannot do it with her. I do not wish for her to seem like the vilan and that I am the victim. She is not my enemy. I do not want a life of fitnah and as long as I view her as my enemy the fitnah will lurk just around the corner. I try to never talk bad about her in my posts, but I did portray my view of my life. I cannot fault her for also portraying her view of her life when it comes to the same matter in any manner she wishes. To address your question "Does she know you print all of this private stuff on the computer? Would she like that? Do you have her permission?" my answer would be that she knows I have a blog where I discuss my feelings about what has happened and she is happy for me that it is helping me heal. I use the blog not to get people's approval or attention....I use the blog for my own personal therapy. I vent here and I am able to seek advice from people of all backgrounds. I do not wish for the approval of the people, I wish for the approval of Allah. Allah knows why I do the things I do and I will be accountable only to Him.
I will admit the the text messaging might be a way of avoiding confrontation when the topics are more serious, but we truly enjoy recieving texts.....I guess it's a quirk of ours. I do not text to avoid seeing her because in that case I would not be inviting her to come see me. Whenever I feel that I am starting to become angry with Lisa, I invite her somewhere because I know that when I see her I will feel differently and that the tension will disappear. When you target someone as your enemy everything upsets you, but when they are your friend you want what is best for them. I care about her and I know she cares for me. This is a test for our family and it is a struggle, but insha Allah we will pass it and make it work because we are willing. Do not disapprove of her because I sure as heck don't. Do I like what she did???? HELL NO!!! Why? Because I don't think that Hikmah was used in the way that they married, but oh well it's done and one day I will wake up and it won't matter how they got married. What will matter is how I handled myself during this time and whether or not we all benefited from this test.
Asalamalaykom Sister Vena,
Thank you for responding to my words. You are indeed thinking through all of this with the seriousness that it deserves. You live it 24/7, so obviously you know it all better than me.
I do want to clarify something that I think you're misunderstanding. All of us play roles in the lives of others. You want to call Lisa "friend" but that isn't the right word any more. That dynamic has changed, yes? So, when I say she is now your "co-wife" I'm not meaning that she is an enemy or vile. I never said that. There doesn't need to be any animosity whatsoever between you as co-wives. But, you both need to redefine yourselves this way. What does it mean to be a co-wife? What do you talk about? How often do you get together? What is the trust level? You don't have to answer me and you don't have to answer it all at once. But, little by little rediscover who you are together and redefine what it means to be co-wives, because you are no longer friends. Not better. Not worse. Just different.
" But, little by little rediscover who you are together and redefine what it means to be co-wives, because you are no longer friends. Not better. Not worse. Just different."
I like this sentence. I think when you are friends, you can sit and talk about anything.....bring up ur weaknesses, your dreams.....but now that they are co-wives....they have to walk on some eggshells. Some of their previous conversations may now be taboo.
I love the intelligence and wisdom you portrayed in your answer, Vena. Masha Allah!!
Masha Allah, I love this blog. HA you give a different veiw to the way I see things and it makes me look at the other side of the coin. I like that.
I again have to disagree. I believe that you can be friends and co-wives at the same time. Yes we are limited as to some of the topics we can discuss, but in all actuality we are limited with any friend that we have. We cannot discuss everything with our friends. Just as I should not talk about certain things pertaining to my husband with Lisa, I should not discuss these things with other friends either. But as far as my hopes and goals are concerned....I still discuss these things with her. We are pretty open when we talk and if something bothers me I am able to tell her, but maybe I sometimes fear telling her certain things out of fear that she will misunderstand. This happens with many other people who I am friends with. I try to be as honest as I can without hurting her in the process. If I cannot be honest with her then I am not really being honest with myself. We are not children and if something she does bothers me from now on I will just come out and tell her. I think this is part of being an adult. I am not going to hold a grudge with you and you have to guess why I am mad. I have decided that this way does not work and if we do want to try to develope a newly defined friendship then this is the way to go about it. HA your comments have helped me to realize this so jazaki Allah khair. There is no need to beat around the bush with her....If she truly is my friend then I will be as upfront as possible. BTW She and I had a wonderful time together last night and I will share it later in a post insha Allah.
Enshahallah :) May Allah continue to guide you and Lisa. Asalamalaykom.
Can I just respectfully interject here? I am just baffled as to how you all (and yes I'm trolling on all of your blog, haha) can be ok with your husband sleeping with another woman. Not only ok with it, but be friends with that woman! Vena, I've read some of the struggles that you went through when you first found out, which I understand much more than our friendship with your co-wife. The whole being ok with polygamy thing just baffles me. Sorry, I hope I didnt offend, I'm just trying to learn another point of view.
There are many avenues that people reach polygamy, and how they deal with it. In Vena's case she is such a positive person she just makes the best out of every situation, she reminds me of my Mom in this case. Instead of sulking and contemplating (which I'm sure she does when her shaytan is getting the better of her) what her man is doing with this other woman, she has opened up and embraced the woman creating a close-knit web of support. She is not only close with her but his ex as well! How many husbands do you hear about that their wives have close social relationships with their exes! Not many. She has taken her husbands lemons and made lemonade. She's taken his refuse and made compost and built a garden. There just aren't many people in the world that are that resilient and positive. Which is why I linked to her as Vena's very positive polygamy blog.
In America women often find themselves in polygynous situations simply because the "DL" is socially acceptable and shrugged off as a joke. At least in her circumstance (hopefully) all of the skeletons are out of the closet.
Blah, Blah, Blah you know the rest.
"In America women often find themselves in polygynous situations simply because the "DL" is socially acceptable and shrugged off as a joke."
What is "DL"? Let me assure you that in America, among other places, polygyny is neither socially acceptable nor is it simply shrugged off as a joke. I wonder why someone would say something so totally ridiculous.
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