All I want to know is.....Will this roller coaster ride ever end???? Ups and downs! Ups and downs! It's neverending! I do not know if I am for or against polygyny. Many days, yes; other days, no! Does that make me a hypocrite? I do not know where I stand most of the time. Am I too emotional? Well I can answer that easily. A lot has happened lately that I haven't had the energy to write about, but I will tell you one of the things that happened recently. Maybe two weeks ago this incident occured. Actually it was thanksgiving day. Ok so the night before thanksgiving was her day and usually he does not go to the person who's day it is until after duhur time which is approximatly noon. Ok so he was at her house thanksgiving morning and he called me to ask me what kind of meat I wanted him to buy from the halal meat store. So we talked andI told him. This was approximatly around noon time so I was expecting him to come home not too long after that.I figured that he would go pray at the masjid at one then come to my house. Thanksgiving day he had no work mind you because the streets were empty. Anyways I went to go visit my mom and was waiting for him there. Then he calls me around two and he's still at her house. I didn't make a big deal. I wanted to see when he came on his own. So during the conversation he mentions that his friend came in from out of town to attend a conference held in our city with his wife. His wife is of the same decent as Lisa and does not speak english well. Whenever this same friend comes into town with his mom (who is arab) he brings them to my house, but when he comes with his wife who is (hispanic) he goes to her house, but it was MY day. MY DAY! Anyways no problem.....I understood and let it be. I even gave him an offer to stay at her house with his friend if he wanted. He told me no that he was going to come home and we would go to the conference together to see his other friend who is a sheikh and is giving a lecture at the conference. I said ok. Well remember I talked to him at 2 well then he called me back at around 4:45 and told me that they all went out to eat and he would be on his way to my mom's house after he drops the meat at my house and that Lisa went with his friend and his wife to the conference because his friend paid for her and insisted she go so she can be a positive influence on his wife. Ok!!!! Great for her! Anyways 6:30 comes around and my hubby FINALLY finished everything. Now the Isha prayer at the masjid is at 7:30 so I told him to pray first then come to my mom's because he would only be able to come for 45 minutes then have to leave again to pray in congregation. HE agreed. All this and I am fine wallahi. I was not mad that it too him till night time to come to my house. I excused it all. I fought shaytan and the urge to remind him of the right to my time. Finally he shows up at 8 and we stay a while and by this time the kids are sooooo tired and we decide to take them home. My aunt also asked us to see if we could find her a charger for her phone. We stopped by walmart and they were closed and he said he would try any gas station to see if they had it. He made the comment after we passed by walmart that he guesses I won't be able to go with him since the kids are tired so I said no I will put them to sleep and he can go. Here is where the misunderstanding begins: He leaves and I am in bed putting the three years old to sleep. An hour passes and he is still not home. My aunt called me to ask me if he found the charger and I told her I don't know. "I will call him and find out," I said. Now it is 11 p.m I call him and ask him where he is. All of a sudden I here him asking someone in arabic where the shiekh is. WHAT???? "Are you at the confrence?" I asked. "He said yes I thought you knew." You have got to be kidding me. This is where the fight starts. He decided that he would go to the conference by himself since the kids were tired and I could not go. When did he assume I was fine with this? When he told me I guess you will not be able to come with me? He meant the conference.....I meant the gas station. By now I am fuming and he hangs up on me. I call and no answer, but when he finally picks up it dawns on me that SHE is there. So I ask him if she is there and he dodges my question trying to get out of answering by telling me she is somewhere around with the wife of his friend and he is with his friend and the sheikh. Then I finally tell him in arabic to not play stupid with me and he hangs up again.....this time no answer when I try to call back over and over again. I am FUMING now!!!! what time does he finally come home on my day???? 2:00 a.m. My day is gone! She had it! He gave it to her. When he came home he got an ear full on how this is not going to work and I want out. Anyways it escelated from there and we got into more talks of divorce and he almost gave it to me this time, but instead he had his friend the shiekh talk to me. The shiekh told me of all the wonderful things that my husband has spoken of about me and all the things that my husband appreciates about me and what I do. He told him things about me that I didn't even know that he noticed. He said he liked what he said so much that he told him that if he wishes he could find him a wife like me. lol. Subhan Allah. If he only knew what he would be getting into ; ) He gave me wonderful advice that day though and Insha Allah I will try to follow them. Maybe in another post I will write his advice. I also spoke to my dad when he was here he opened my eyes to something. I ask for divorce not because I want it, but because I want him not to give it to me. If my husband doesn't give me a divorce then that confirms to me that he wants me in his life. My dad's point though is what if he gets so fed up that he decides divorce is easier for him and he grants me what he thinks I want? What if he divorces me? His point: Don't ask for what you don't want, cause you might just get it. He's right.

I apologize for not posting for such a long time, but things have been so stressful lately. I have had to adjust to having a newborn again and this time with four other kids running around and needing my attention. Well let me briefly fill you all in on what's been happening. Alhamdulillah I safely delivered a beautiful and healthy baby girl. That's now number five as predicted. All the girls love her masha Allah. She was approx. 7 lbs. and born on September 7. She is now 6 weeks old alhamdulillah and overall she is a wonderful baby. She would like for me to never leave her side as would I, but with so many other things to do it's hard to give her my complete attention. If she gets the attention, the other scream for their share so I have been trying to do a balancing job and have been failing miserably, but insha Allah we will all pass this bump and get our lives back on track. Well good news is that my mom now lives with me, bad news is because she has decided to leave her hubby. But for now she is helping me and even with the two of us here it is hard. The kids are growing and are developing their own personalities and some are more difficult then others. I always wonder how much of an influence our situation will have in the development of who they are and who they become. It hasn't been easy and yes a lot of the times I resent my husband for not being here. I resent him for getting his break every other day and I resent the fact that the kids and I are the ones sacrificing the most. We barely see him every other day for a few hours and in those few hours he is not spending the time wisely with us. I have given up hoping that it will be any different. He tries the best he can, but his best is still never good enough. I hate to even say that, but I have to be honest with myself. But there is no sense in thinking things will change I just have to accept it the way it is for now and just try to provide as much stability as I can for these kiddos. Anyways I am sure you are all wondering who's day I had the baby on. lol. Well I had the baby on her day and they were both their as well as my mom in the delivery room. Everyone thought I was crazy for having her there, but I guess it goes with my nature that I really did not want to exclude her from my happy day because I knew it would be a sad day for her. I thought if she is there then she will feel a part of the family and that this moment was not exclusively ours. I know many of you are shaking your heads right now and saying "What the hell is she talking about?" But if you know me then you would know that that is just the type of person I am. call it naive, call it pathetic, call it whatever you want, but that's me. And yes I get burned many times for that, but that is OK because I cannot change my nature. Anyways the down fall of having her be there was that I guess my husband too felt sympathy or guilt for her that he ended up over compensating and gave her more attention than he gave me. But whatever, what's done is done and we talked it over and he sincerely did not even realize that he had made me feel neglected that day. I am OK though. Life goes on, right? I know my husband loves me and I love him and that is all that matters......Being able to talk and express our feelings with each other and be open makes bumps like these smoother alhamdulillah. Anyways that's just a summary for you all for now. I promise to try to write more often now that I am finally finding some time. Thanks to all of you who asked about me and the baby. Jazakum Allah khair!!!

I wonder if I am going to have the baby on my day or hers!!! lol. I wonder if she is going to be considerate enough to give up some of her days or if they will just depend on my friends and family being there with me to take care of me. I wonder if she will offer to help me without me having to ask. I wonder if my husband will be considerate enough to know that I will need him at this time and that no family member will replace his being there and not just every other day. This event is really going to show me a lot of things. I am curious as to how it will all turn out. I guess I will just have to wait and see and stop wondering.

So here I am once again. It's been a little hectic around here and therefore it's been pretty difficult to get the time to sit and write. Now that the kids are out of school.....they are driving me nuts. Don't get me wrong. I love the kids and would rather have the chaos than nothing at all, but it's a little overwhelming.

So once again I am preparing to move and once again it is at the end of my pregnancy. For some reason I always move in my last month of pregnancy. This is my third time subhan Allah. I am almost 34 weeks pregnant so 3 more weeks till I am full-term insha Allah and then the real excitement begins.

It hasn't been too difficult because I am very blessed alhamdulillah. I have a wonderful husband who supports me and my daughters, I have beautiful healthy children, I have wonderful friends who do their best to take care of me and the kids when my husband is not available, I have a co-wife who at the drop of a hat helps me when I need help, and I come from a very respectable family who love me and are always there when I need them. Alhamdulillah I am surrounded by good people and in this life that is so important. What's better than that??? When I think of those people who do not have anybody to turn to it makes me sooooo grateful for what I have.

Speaking of being grateful. It has come up several times recently where people on the blog and people in my life have mentioned that they believe that I am living in denial. They say that I am truly not content on the inside, but am just trying to make the best of things because I have no other choice. I have been thinking a lot about that and have come to reflect upon why they have such a view. In some way I see where these people are coming from. There may be some truth to it, but it is not complete truth. Here is the reality of it......I cannot be strong all the time. I will not be happy everyday of my life. I will not have everything that I need and I will most certainly not have everything that I want. I will probably have as many down days as I do up. Life will be difficult and That's ok!!!!! All of these things are ok. Life is not going to be custom made for me. I have to take things as they come. I am tested with something and someone else will be tested with something else and each test is unique to each individual. Through these blogs and through witnessing the hardships of others we can use experiences to learn about life and relationships.

I considered giving up my blog many times, but I decided once and for all not to do it. I want people to take what they can from my experience. I know some people think I am crazy and others see themselves in my struggle.....either way each person is developing their own opinions and perspective which is always a positive thing. Even if you have no relation to what I have experienced you will still experience some critical thinking. I am saying my experience in the hopes that I can be of benefit to someone else and if I can do that for just one person then all that I went through was worth it. And I am not intending to be too dramatic and exaggerate.....lol.....I didn't really go through too much considering what others are going through. Alhamdulillah my husband didn't leave me for another woman. He is able to be there for me when I need him. He provides for me and my children. My husband still spoils me and shows me affection. My husband has grown very appreciative of me.....even more so after marrying Lisa. Alhamdulillah my husband is equal and fair. I am really blessed to have him in my life even through difficulty. He is worth it to me. And I hope that if I ever make a mistake in our marriage that he too will stand by me because we love one another and feel that over all we have something worth preserving.

Please don't forget that as I learn and grow from my experience....my husband too is learning and growing from his own experiences. Maybe he wasn't very wise in the way he took another wife, but all in all I think he too has had to make adjustments and rearrange his life. It hasn't all been easy for him either, and hey that's life. Allah is Just. Through this experience my husband and I have grown closer in some ways. Yes the relationship has changed, but it has matured as well. It has shown us what we really mean to one another and what our marriage can stand through. Our marriage is more solid now than it has ever been walhamdulillah.

Am I in denial???? lol. So what if I am???? I do not think that I am in denial. I think shaytan will make me doubt my sincerity so I can give up all together, but I won't do that. I will not give myself a pity party, because that is what shaytan wants. So what if my husband took another wife????? My husband is not my life....sorry but he's not. This dunia is very deceiving and my husband is a part of this dunia as is everything else. I am obligated to do what is right in the sight of Allah (swt). I will be judged and he (my husband) will be judged and Lisa will be judged. We will not be held accountable for what the others did. I will not be held to account for my husband nor will he be held to account for me. It's fend for yourself!!!! He has not fallen short in his Islamic obligations alhamdulillah and I will not either insha Allah. My duty is to my family for Allah's sake. I will not take my husband with me in my grave, but I will take my deeds. Even if I am in denial......at least it's working. I never heard of a hadeeth where Allah punishes anyone for seeing the bright side......Have you??? ; )

Well it seems as if I have sparked some controversy by my last posting. At least this is what it seems after reading some of the comments left for me. I am sooooo happy with all of the many views people have on this subject. Sister HA.... I do not live with my mom. I didn't realize that I had not updated on that particular topic ( moving or not moving). The post you are talking about is when I had contemplated or maybe even decided that I would leave to live closer to my mother because I needed more help. Well I do not know exactly what has happened since then to make me change my mind, but I have indeed changed my mind. I do not think leaving my husband is the solution to all of my problems.....I think leaving him to live by my mother was more of an excuse to run away from my problems. Sometimes I think to myself......Am I in denial? Do I really appreciate the benefits I get from being in a polygamous marriage? Would I prefer to have my husband all to myself once again? The answer is...... I don't really know. All I do know is that I am coping the best way I know how and alhamdulillah it's not all bad. I can honestly say that I do not wake up anymore being consumed by my husband's marriage to Lisa. I can honestly say that I have learned many lessons through this.....good and bad. I can honestly say that I would rather be in denial than be miserable. I have experienced both emotions and I am better where I am now. I am happy with my life as it is. Alhamdulillah for everything!!! I have more blessings than many others. I know people in monogamous marriages who see there husband's less than me, who have more troubles in their marriage than I do and so on and so forth. I have a lot to be thankful for even though my life didn't quite turn out as I pictured it. Do I still feel betrayed?....hmmmmmm I am not sure about that. Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but either way it doesn't change anything. I am not responsible for what my husband does or what lisa does.....I am only responsible for what I do. I am trying to do it the best way I know how and only the future will tell if I am sucessful in polygyny or not. I have my moments as did the wives of the Prophet (saaw). I am weak at times and strong at others and I will continue this cycle till the day I die because this is just how life goes. But one thing is for sure I did not change my view on teaching my kids to at least accept polygyny as an option. I am not saying I want my kids to accept "any" polygynous situation they are put in, but if the man is practicing it according to the Sunnah and upfront and honest then I am all for it. I want them to be as well. Will they too have ups and downs???? You bet they will. They will also have ups and downs in monogamy. All I want is to prepare my kids for whatever they may face and I am trying my best to show them the right behavior when presented with a hardship of this kind. In the end their choices will be their choices....not mine. I just have to do my part. I would be doing my children a dis-service if I were to only present them with the negatives and not the positives.

Insha Allah I am having another girl. That's what the ultrasound says at least. Of course nothing is 100%, but that's what I am going by for now insha Allah. I am happy with that and so is my husband alhamdulillah. We both love girls so the more the merrier insha Allah. So this makes five girls masha Allah!!! Having this many girls has got me thinking of how I am contributing to the higher rate of women versus men. This is of course by the Will of Allah (swt), but it made me realize that the chances of my daughters being in a polygamous relationship will only increase. So what do I want for them? I want to somehow re-program my children. I want my children to grow up loving polygyny. I want them to live with it as a normal fact of life. I do not want my children to feel isolated or betrayed if it were to ever happen to them. No one is saying that they have to enter into polygyny, but I want to prepare them for the possibility of it so it is not a shock if it were to ever happen to them. This weekend I attended a lock-in (sleep-over) at a masjid and one of the lectures that was given was about how to be a happy Muslim wife. One of the other women that attended the gathering was someone I am well acquainted with. This woman is in her 50's, very beautiful, very independent, and very intelligent and is looking to get married. She is in need physically, emotionally and financially for a husband. While she was listening to the lecture you can see the sadness in her face. During the prayer she was crying so much.......I felt awful for her. You can sense her desperation to be a wife. Here she was suffering without a husband, but there were not many available to her. Nowadays most of the men are married especially ones who are close to her age. I really felt bad for her and it made me realize the true need for polygynyous marriages. These sisters are just as worthy of having good husbands as anyone else. Why can't we be better and tell our husbands (if they are capable) to take on another wife? I know it is soooo easy to say and sooooo hard to do, but then what is the solution? If every women says...."Not my man....." Then what will these women be left to do? Jealousy in polygyny is normal no one wants to share their husband, but I feel as Muslims we need to re adjust our mindset and become more accepting rather than rejecting. Polygyny practiced according to the guidelines set in the Sunnah can be a great benefit to all the parties involved and to the ummah as a whole. Insha Allah I plan to start with my little army of girls. Preparing them will strengthen them insha Allah.

Tonight was the first night that I let all my kids go over to Lisa's house while my husband was there and I was not. I guess I had always been afraid of her playing mommy to my kids in front of my husband because I imagined she would probably be a better mom to them than me.

My husband has issues with me about the kids. His main battle with me is over the foods they eat. He hates the words mac and cheese, ramen noodles, frozen pizza, hot pockets, fast food, whatever!! You get the picture. I agree with him that they need to eat healthier foods, but when I cook the healthy stuff they don't eat it and it goes to waste. I figure this is just their age and they will grow out of it insha Allah. I was the same when I was a child.

Anyways these are the things he makes a big deal about or for example spilled food or drinks, food in their room, etc. Yeah these are things that can annoy a person, but we have to remember we are dealing with kids under the age of seven. HELLO!!! This is all normal. Still I guess the shaytan in me thinks that Lisa will show me up in front of him and show him that she can be a better mother than me. I know she is not like that, but the thought creeps up, you know???

So I had to go to the store for some last minute urgent shopping and realized that it wasn't my day and I have all four kids and it was getting late and I couldn't do it alone. I called my husband and asked him if he would be willing to meet me in front of the store right next to their apartment so he can keep an eye on the kids in the car while I run in and get what I need. He said ok. On my way to the store he called me on my cell and asked if it would be ok for me to just bring the kids over to the apartment so he can watch them there because he was extremely tired. Since I wasn't going to be long, I agreed. I dropped them off, did my shopping and headed back to their place to pick up the kids. By the time I arrived my husband had already left to go pray Isha at the masjid so I had to go upstairs and bring the kids down. Well when I got there Lisa looked really good masha Allah. Without describing her I will just say that she looked very made up for someone who was just staying at home. Of course I know she was looking good for him.

Anyways a part of me got jealous right away because I haven't been able to pay much attention to my appearance lately because I have been very sick. I normally love to get dressed up, do my hair and make up, but I just haven't had the energy lately and I know thats normal and that's ok. My husband, to tell you the truth doesn't care either way. He is a very simple man (masha Allah) .....I know he thinks I am beautiful just the way I am. He has made sure to tell me over and over again in our marriage how beautiful I look to him. He doesn't care too much for clothes or make up, in fact he prefers natural beauty.

Anyways to get back to my point.....The shaytan started to play with me trying to make me feel insecure about myself.....as a mother, as a wife, as a woman in general and that's when I had to put him in check. I reminded myself of something my friend once told me that I think has helped me a lot. She told me things always change. She tried to point out that at some point Lisa might have more of my husband's affection and at another point I might have it. She said that she might have years of being kid free with him and then there will come a time when our kids are grown and we too will have our time. She said that I will have troubled times and so will she.....I will have times when I am sick and so will she. Her point was that each of us will get our time.

After some thought I let the jealousy roll of my back and I appreciated how nice Lisa really looked and I thanked her for taking care of my kids. Then on my way home driving from her apartment to mine she texted messaged me thanking me for letting the girls go over there because she had fun with them. I am glad that she did because they did too. My three year old didn't want to leave. lol. Anyways all in all I am just happy to conquer the little whispers.......cause they are just soooooo damn annoying!!!

Here's my boo boo

As salamu alikum dear beautiful sisters.... Believe it or not, I was actually contemplating whether or not I should continue my blog. The reason is that I think I have misrepresented my husband's image on here and I feel extremely guilty about that. I know I haven't responded to comments in a long time, but I have been reading them. I feel sad that I have given some sisters the impression that my husband was a bad husband when in fact he is a wonderful husband. Yes, he has his faults, but we all have our faults. I am faaaaaaaaar from perfect.....in fact I am sure if my husband was to start his own blog talking about his marriage to me then I am sure many people would be questioning whether or not he should even stay with me. lol.

See I am just writing my experience as it happens or as I remember it, but I am writing it from my perspective. My husband might have a whole different spin on things. That's what a marriage is......two different people seeing things from two different views and just trying to play along. My husband alhamdulillah does fear Allah, as do I. Does he always obey Allah? No.....and neither do I all the time because I am human, but do we fear Him? Heck YES!!!

My husband is a religious man. Yes he has his faults, but he tries his best to please Allah (swt). Here are some examples. My husband masha Allah prays fajr in Jama3a and tries his best to pray all five prayer in the masjid in jama3a. My husband does not deal in riba (interest) at all. My husband is honest when it comes to his work and even if he can lie and make more money his fear of Allah prevents him from doing that. My husband does not hang out with his many friends....My husband goes from masjid, to work, to home. My husband alhamdulillah loves his kids and has raised four girls that are not even biologically his and treats them as if they were his own. My husband is not too proud to admit when he is wrong and will apologize if he wrongs you. My husband spoils his wife.... or wives and is very affectionate with them. He calls several times a day to make sure we are ok and do not need anything. My husband has been coming to my house to pick up my girls whether it is my day or not to take my girls to school which is across the street so I wouldn't have to wake up the little ones and take them along and if he is not able to do it then he will find me someone who will. He is a hard worker and starts his day from after fajr and doesn't get home until after maghrib.....sometimes even after Isha. He fears Allah in his treatment of both Lisa and I and Masha Allah as I tell everyone.....If there is any man that I have seen be just as far as polygyny goes.....it is alhamdulillah my husband. I can go on and on, but you get my point. If you think this is all good then please say Masha Allah. It is for Allah's sake that he is this way.

I never meant to make him look bad. If he wasn't a good man then I wouldn't be wanting him all for myself. If he wasn't a good man then I wouldn't be missing him like crazy. If he wasn't a good man then I wouldn't be wishing he was with the kids more often. It is because he is a good man that I was so hurt by his wanting another wife. To be quite honest my husband spoils me more than I deserve. He begged me to give him the affection that he needed so he would never want to get another wife....He always told me I was all he wants and all he needs. His requests were so easy to fulfill, but I didn't know how to open up and trust him because I had been hurt too many times. Well look at what happened.....I ended up creating what I feared to happen, but as a muslimah I say,"Qadar Allah wa ma sha fa3ala." It was just meant to be and Allah wants me with this man and Allah wants to test me and make sure that I appreciate him. I think I appreciate him now more than I ever did when it was just me and him, but then again recently he has changed for the better in a lot of ways.

My husband and I got into a serious discussion and he asked me if he was lacking when it comes to providing for me, or giving me what I want or need. He bends over backwards to accommodate me and yet I have all this pride in me that won't let go of his marriage to her. He tells me that this is from shaytan and to stop listening to him. I told him that he didn't understand how it feels to not be able to compete with Lisa. I told him, "I can't compete with her no matter what." All her time is just for him. She can be the wife that he wants and he needs at any time, but I am not able to because I have other people to tend to. He told me that I was not in a competition with her and that he would never compare me to her. He reminded me that as mad as he's gotten at me and as big of fights as we have gotten into he never said you don't do this and she does that. That is true.....He has never mentioned her in that way to me. As a matter of fact he tries his best not to mention her at all to avoid any fitnah. So he reassured me in his own way that I am special to him and to stop pushing him away and I told him that I needed his constant reassurance because shaytan will always be on my back.

Before this talk we were growing sooooooo far apart. We barely talked, we felt awkward and uncomfortable around one another and sometimes didn't even sleep in the same bed, but alhamdulillah we had a wonderful night together last night and I really realize that I am truly blessed to have him in my life. Lisa is my friend and he is also my friend and I don't want to throw those friendships away. We all have our faults and we all make mistakes. This blog is not to bad mouth my husband or to gossip about him. This blog is to remind myself of what I have been through, what I am going through, and insha Allah later I will be able to see in which way I progressed in my life. This is my space to vent when I am sad, angry or insecure so maybe a lot of the things I say will not be very positive, but then again you will see the other side too when I pick myself up from the pity party and get my eman boost and start to see things in a positive light. This is your space to learn from my experience, my weaknesses, my strengths and insha Allah maybe...just maybe something that I say will strike you in some way and I might be a source of comfort. There is ease after polygyny walhamdulillah. Our goal in this life is to please Allah (swt) and I ask for His forgiveness if I have wronged my husband, myself, Lisa or anyone else in this blog by this blog. I will continue to blog though because I hope my experiences will eventually be of benefit to someone, somewhere out there.

Man O' Man am I glad to be back.....again! I had to go through 323 e-mail messages today, so you can imagine I haven't been online at all for a while. Let me update you on the new developments. I had a a small scare a few days after my last post. I had to go to the emergency room because I started bleeding and thought I was possibly miscarrying. I know it is normal for some women to bleed while pregnant, but not for me alhamdulillah. I have had four kids and never bled, but alhamdulillah it was a false alarm and nothing to worry about. I have been extremely sick though. I was nautious and weak and needed a lot of help. I am anemic so it makes things all the more difficult. Then imagine adding the responsiblities that come with four kids under the age of 7 so yeah......fun! Fun!! Ya Allah I needed so much help. Another thing is that my husband started working until 7 rather than coming home around 4 and usually he doesn't actually make it home till about 8:30 p.m. Alhamdulillah though I have good friends who tried to help me as much as they could and my husband too alhamdulillah. One of those friends is Lisa. Masha Allah she came and helped me a few times now that she quit her job. Honestly I was expecting her to come more often, but hey alhamdulillah for anything. She is not obligated to help me in any way, but she did. She took me to go get insurance and to the doctor alhamdulillah. Even my husband masha Allah has been super great in trying to help me out. I am getting better now, but to be honest I am emotionally drained.With everything from the past year, the stresses from every day life and the pregnancy I feel worn out. I feel depressed a lot.....probably more to do with hormones, but I am still very overwhelmed and need much more help and support then people are able to give me. Because of this I have decided to move to the city where my mom lives which is 3 and a half hours from here. Insha Allah I plan to move after the girls' school is over with at the end of may. I originally planned on moving after the baby was born, but my lease is over with in may as well so I might as well go and spend the summer there too. My husband and I do plan to stay married insha Allah and he will come to see us whenever he has the chance. Being around my mom is a good influence on the kids (they are happier there), My mom is a great Iman booster for me (which is something I desperately need), and the town is quiet and safe. My husband doesn't really need me anymore. Lisa does everything and more. I feel sad a lot of the times because I see her taking better care of him than I am able to. Yeah I know it's easier for her because she doesn't have any children, but still. It hurts me because it makes me feel as if she is the wife and I am ........hmmmmmmm.....I don't know what I am. Sometimes I feel I am just here so he can see the kids, but even now he doesn't see them very often so it doesn't make a difference whether I stay or go. Honestly family is important for me and the environment in which my kids live. I think we will be happier there. I am making istikhara though and my husband seems to be ok with it because he sees the points I am making. I need the help and although he tries it honestly isn't enough. I can't do it alone. I feel as if I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I need to be by my mother. I need her and she needs me so Insha Allah we'll see what happens. At least I can try to have some stability in my life because right now there is none.

For many of you this post is going to be a shock as it was for me. Well Safa it looks like polygamy isn't contagious, but pregnancy might be. Subhan Allah!!!! No Lisa is not pregnant, but I am. Looks like # 5 will be on the way insha Allah sometime in September. What a shocker huh??? Who would have thought? Lisa has been trying to get pregnant for over the past four or five months and here I am trying not to get pregnant and WHABOOM! There you have it.

My husband and I have been having problems as usual. This whole polygamy thing is so confusing and emotionally consuming that I didn't know what to do anymore so I did as I always do....I made istikhara. The answer? Pregnant!!!! Hmmmmmmm. Does that mean Allah thinks I should leave him? AHHHHHH......NO! DUH! So here I go again.....Hangin in there insha Allah until I have my next break down, but insha Allah I will keep going. There is nothing wrong with getting weak sometimes. I am human. I am strong sometimes and weak at other times, but the important thing is to redirect myself and look at what I am really here for? What is the bigger picture? What is my purpose? My life is not about me.....My life is about my Islam. I must stay within the straight path and beat this or I will be given something harder. If I am to be called a Muslimah then I WILL face trials and tribulations.....Better my trials then to have someone elses. Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah!

You know I grip and complain mainly when I focus on what other people have that I think I should have too, but what is meant for you might not be meant for me. Instead of me focusing on how hard it is having four young kids, I should be thankful because some people would kill to have what I have. Instead of being displeased with having my husband part time, I should be thankful that I at least have my husband. Some women have husbands all to themselves who work out of town and they barely see them, husbands that are home out of work and they wish they would just leave, husbands would pass away and can never get them back and so on. I am truly blessed in every aspect of my life. Even when I get upset about having a co-wife I can always think at least she and I are able to be friends with one another or at least my husband is not commiting zina or with a woman who is truly trying to take him from me. We must always look to those who have less than us if we want to be forever grateful for the bounties Allah has provided us with.

Start today and make a list of those things you can say alhamdulillah for. Post up your list and never forget. We are human.....We forget! Even in the worst possible situation we can find good. Isn' that truly the beauty of Islam? So here I am.... I am going to thank Allah for giving me a new life within me for it is truly a blessing. Thank you Allah for giving me a husband who is happy and content with my pregnancy because it is the decree of Allah. Thank you Allah for my Beautiful kids and step kids. Thank you Allah for my supportive mother and friends. Thank you Allah for Lisa who congratulated me and our husband on the pregnancy and for her offering to bring me anything that I crave any morning before she goes to work and that all I have to do is ask. Alhamdulillah for this blog which allows me to remind myself and others of the things we take for granted that are right before our eyes. Love you all dearly!!! I'll keep you posted more often now that I am plugged back in. Still haven't had time to catch up, but I promise to try to be done soon insha Allah.

Some of you may be surprised to hear this, but I have been contemplating getting a divorce from my husband. My emotions are really mixed right now. I am struggling with myself. This is my jihad an-naafs. I don't know what to do? Believe it or not; things between Lisa and I have never been better. We have become very close in the past month and she has really been there for me, but I guess my shaytan has been working on me. Or is it really shaytan? Yes this is the week before my period, but it isn't that. Here are the thoughts that flow through my head.

The negative thougths......

1. My time with my husband has been cut in half. This includes my husband's time with our kids that has also been cut in half.

2. I share my husband with a woman who doesn't have small kids in her house. My house is full of noise and action and her house is the getaway from that noise and action.

3. I have to share my days with my kids and when the day is gone we are zonked. She doesn't have to share her days with anyone. She shares her days with him which allows her more quality time.

4. Intimacy is not the same. I will not go into details, but it has changed. I am the one being effected of course because I am the one with the kids.

5. I recenty found out that Lisa and my husband have been trying to have a baby for the past 4 months. WHAT THE H*** are they thinking??? Shouldn't he be emotionally and physically able to be there for another child. Has he been capable with his other children? NO!!! Take care of the ones you got buddy before you go and make some more.

6. Life is so unstabe. It feels like the house is a stop and go. He comes and he goes. We have no stability. It doesn't feel like a marriage any longer. I feel drained emotionally.

7. He is not abe to be there for me and the children as we need him to be. I feel like if it isn't my day I have to ask for other people to be with me to help me care for my kids. It's not easy.

It all goes back to this thought.....Don't get me wrong......I love my kids and I would die for them, but as far as he is concerned I feel as if I am the nanny and she is the wife. She gets to be his companion and I am the children's caretaker. I know that probably is just shaytan, but I am just trying to stay true to my thoughts. I want to be his wife and the caretaker of his children like I once was. Is that too much to ask? I don't feel that it's fair that when the kids are sick I have to worry about them, when they scream in the middle of the night I have to stay awake with them, and so on and so forth while he gets his quiet nights rest at her place. Am I being unrealistic???? Am I being unreasonable???? Someone tell me. Am I in la la land hoping that he helps me in raising these girls. Is it truly only the responsibility of the mother to take care of the children while the men should care for them financially? If I am getting something wrong then tell me. should I toughen up? You always here of how our grandmothers took care of 10 kids at a time by themselves and didn't complain and time and technology was not as advanced. They cooked from scratch, they did heavy duty cleaning, and at the same time they taught and raised their kidswith good morals and a quality education. These women held the family together without whining as I am. Did they have help???? what is different now? I must get a grip!!!! I feel like I am losing it. I am overwhelmed and I don't know what to do about it. Please help.
Ok here are the positive thoughts.......

1. The ajr (reward) for being patient will be so great, but only if I am sincerely patient.

2. At least I do not have to worry about finances. He provides for my every need.

3. He is fair when it comes to time.

4. He is very loving and tries very hard to make me feel loved.

5. Having him part-time for the kids will be better than not having him at all. He loves his kids so much and they are crazy about him as well.

6.This is my test and I must pass it.

7. How can I give up a man that I am in love with?

8. They are both dounia and I must strive for the Hereafter. Instead of letting shaytan distract me with their marriage and what they do, I must focus on my eman, strengthen it, and focus on what I do.

My poor husband seem to be really getting effected by the thought of us leaving. I am at my mom's right now taking a break from things. He seemed really upset and sad at me leaving even for a few days. I told him that I can no longer live like this. I am not going to ask him to leave her. She is more of what he was looking for in a wife, but that he should allow me to move on and be happy as well. He reminded me that if I get remarried he will take the girls from me. So I assured him that it would be over my dead body. Not really, but you never threaten a woman with her kids......NEVER!!! If I have to stay single the rest of my life to keep from giving my kids up I would. Seperating my girls is a very big deal for me as well.

Anyways remarriage is not in my mind right now anyways. We'll discuss it if it happens. He tried to also tell me that I could not take the kids out of the country or to live far from him. I told him that according to the shari3ah he was right in me having to give him the children should I choose to remarry, but that he could not tell me where I can and can't move to. That would not be his right once we are divorced. He told me that If I didn't agree to not move out of the country then I would have to get a khula because he will not agree to it. Anyways we are ok and we are slowly discussing things, but it's about time he sees what he could lose and what price he paid. This week that I will be with my mom will give him a taste of what his life would be like without us. Anyways I am becoming numb and that is my sign that things have to change. Which way will we go??? Only Allah knows!!!!

As salamu alikum to all. I finally got internet. I missed being connected to the blog world, but I'm back and so much has happened. Insha Allah I will fill you in the first chance I get, but for now I gotta go cuz the kiddos are coming home soon from school. I can't wait to catch up on what I've missed in everyone's blogs.

I am moving insha Allah on Saturday from this house to an apartment, but something in my heart is making me very excited about it. I want a fresh start. I want to leave these bad memories behind. I know it's not the house itself, but I had many negative feelings associated with this house because this is where everything from the last year transpired. I am excited to go back to the complex where my husband and I first lived together.

My husband and Lisa have been married one year this past Sunday. They got married on the 19th on November 2005. I didn't know until Dec. 26, 2005. So a year ago at this time my life was a completely different. I was clueless as to what was going on in my life. It's hard to look back, but I never would have thought that I would be here a year later and feel the way that I do. I am always amazed at Allah's plan. I wonder where I will be a year from now? Insha Allah the following year will be better than this one. This past year wasn't all bad if I have to say.....I've learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about my strengths and my weaknesses. I've learned how much I love my life. I love my family. I love my husband. Most Importantly I love Allah. I love Islam. Allah has put me in this situation for a reason and I plan to benefit others through it. I never thought I'd be here, but I am and I am still breathing. Alhamdulillah!!!

I have a confession to make......yes I am friends with Lisa and all, but I do not like her being with my step kids without me being there. That might sound strange to a lot of you, but that's the truth. I am very territorial when it comes to them. Yes they are not my kids. Yes they are her step kids too. Yes she has a right to have relationships with them as well, but I can't help my feelings. I guess in a way I feel that because I have to share my husband, I am not willing to share my kids and step kids too.

They always assure me that I don't ever have to compete with her as far as they are concerned because I will always be #1 to them, but deep down it still bothers me and I am insecure about it. I confess that since they came back I kindda have detered them from going to her house or for them to be with her without me there. The strangest part is that I invite her over when they are with me so her and her son can be with them, but maybe I did it so she can see how close they are to me. Maybe I did it to validate myself. Maybe I did it to show her that I am important in my husband's life. There are lots of reasons I probably did it.

Yeah yeah.....I know what ya'll are thinking. Bad Vena, but at least I am being honest about it. I recognized what I was doing and I recognized that I was wrong so this weekend I let go of my ego and I apologized to my hubby for being that way and I dropped the boys off to spend Sunday with my hubby, Lisa and her son. Hey that was a big deal until I realized that it really wasn't a big deal and it didn't take anything away from me.....if anything I think my husband respects me more for it because he understands how hard it was for me. I didn't mind her being with the entire family if I was there. Isn't that bad??? I know it is. I can admit that it is wrong. I guess I felt that I had to be there to watch what was going on, but I'm glad that I let go of that way of thinking.

I am not that kind of person. I am nobody to go trying to control people's lives, feelings or who they do or don't get close to. I am not a dictator.....I am their friend. Even though they call me their evil step mother (haha) I know they love me and I love them and I want what's best for them as I do for my own kids. I decided that what I wanted was for the kids to spend time with their dad and if that means that they will have to be with him and her....without me, then so be it. Who am I to stand in the way? Right???? Right. So cut me some slack cause I got it on my own.

This past tuesday was my day with my husband, but when I began cleaning the house as I normally do I kinnda went into a deep cleaning mission. You ladies know how that goes. You start out intending to clean and you end up making the mess even worse than when you started. There was no way I was going to have the house finished in time for his arrival so I did something I normally wouldn't have done. I texted Lisa and asked her if we could switch days. She had monday and I was willing to trade my tuesday for her day on wednesday. This meant that she would have two days and I would have two days and then we'd go back to our regularly scheduled program (just kidding).

Anyways before she could reply my husband called to see how I was doing. I told him that I had texted Lisa to ask her if she could switch days. He asked me why I wanted to do that and I told him it was because the house was a mess and I didn't want him to come home to it looking the way it did. He said he didn't mind and to just leave the days as they are. I told him no no I can't and we'll just switch the days. He said, "wallahi I don't care." But again I told him I prefer it this way....besides I would have him for two days in a row and that may bring back memories of when I had him all to myself. He finally agreed, but he said he wanted to meet with me and the kids anyways before heading to their apartment and that he had something to give me.

I met with him after the girls got off from school. First thing he gave me was the spicy falafil sandwich I asked him to order for me from the store we met at. NICE!!!! Second thing he gave me was $100. VERY NICE!!!! And the third thing he gave me was a big and beautiful hand-picked flower that he had in a styraphome cup just for me. EXTREMELY NICE!!!!! SUPER SPECIAL!!! WOW!!! What did I do to deserve all that? Masha Allah what a wonderful gesture.

When he was about to leave I told him that the flower was an even better surprise than the $100. Subhan Allah we women really are easy to please. At least some of us are. Wallahi I prefer the hand-pick flower over the most expensive bouqet of roses.

So the next day he came home and the house was spotless alhamdulillah. It was a great idea switching days. So last night while we were lying in bed I asked him if he prefered two days there and two days here or if he prefered one night there and one night here. He said he prefered every other day cuz he missed us too much in the two days he was away. What a perfect thing to say.....even if it wasn't true. I know my husband doesn't lie though. He doesn't say anything that he doesn't feel so I can always count on what he's saying is sincere masha Allah.

The part that I am confused about is that when I thought of him being here two days in a row I wasn't as excited as I thought I would be. I think I got used to having my days without him. I use those days to do what I want to do. I use them to invite friends over or to go over to friends' houses. Those days I don't worry about being home before he gets home or having to cook and clean.

Do you think that I like that part of polygyny to have my own life aside from him? Or do you think that I have just become accustomed to him being gone everyother day for the past year? I don't know, but I was really thrown off by my emotions. I expected to feel one way, but instead I actually felt another. Subhan Allah!!! I hope I am not one of those women who are never satisfied with what they have. I sure hope I'm not. I love being with my husband. This is not to say that I am not happy that he will be home. I am thrilled he will be with us, but what is it??? I'm confused!!!!

Alhamdulillah one down and one to go. The oldest of the two boys was enrolled in school today and the younger one is being enrolled tomorrow insha Allah. The same day my husband and I had argued about him possibly having another child in the future I forgot to mention something else that took place. My husband gave his ex and ultimatum...." Put the kids in school by Wed. or I will come get them, enroll them in school, and either call CPS or hold child support payments." I know it was harsh, but he didn't know what else to do.

Anyways alhamdulillah it worked and he wasn't playing either. I think his eyes finally opened that day. Many members of the family and friends were starting to question why they were still out of school so the pressure was on from all sides.

I know my husband has good intentions, but it's hard for him to follow through sometimes with his work being so demanding. He is no longer self-employed so that has an impact on his ability to come and go as he wishes. I don't think he fully realized how far this may have gone until he saw the stalling.

Alhamdulillah the first steps were taken. Next step is to do something about the girls. Now this is a greater challenge, but insha Allah it will be done. Please pray for the well-being of these kids. Please don't get me wrong.....their parents love them dearly, but sometimes decisions we make for our kids may not actually be in their best interest. I do have to clarify though that as far as my step-kids Islamic knowledge my husband is the one who put the time and the effort into that. He is very strict about their prayers and learning the Quran and he teaches them a lot about the deen masha Allah, but his only problem was having someone there to help them follow up. He can't be with them all the time....they don't live with him so he is limited as to what he can do. My husband cannot enforce rules in her house unless she is willing to comply.

I believe he would have taken the boys to live with him, but he does not want to seperate them from their sisters who are very close to them. This would break their heart. He doesn't mind taking them all, but the chances are slim that they would leave their mom. They could not leave her alone. Maybe when her husband comes from overseas that will be a different story because they do not get along with him (supposedly), but our door is always open and they are more than welcome.

A while back I had intended to write my story of how I came to Islam and never did so I decided tonight is the night. Here goes....As most of you know I am Egyptian. I was born in Egypt to two Egyptian parents. Both my parents are doctors, but my dad joined the American Air Force as a Forensic Pathologist when I was very young and that's how we ended up in the states. My parents immigrated to the US and I was basically raised between the U.S. and Germany (military dad got stationed there). I did live in Egypt though from age 5-9 when my parents divorced ( best years of my life). Anyways back to the subject.....My parents were not religious. My mom used to talk to me about the hellfire and Allah, but as a teen I wasn't very interested and just did what I wanted to do anyways. I was a baaaaaaaaaad girl. AstagfirAllah I drove my mother crazy....my father too, but I was living with my mom for the most part so it was really hard on her. By the way, my parents married and divorced one another twice. Once when I was 5 (that's why we moved back to Egypt) and the second time when I was 12. My younger brother and I lived with my mom, but we got to see our dad often. He was living in the same city until he got stationed in Germany. I know my mom didn't want me to commit sin because it was haram, but my dad was a different story he didn't want me to do what I was doing for his own reasons which had little to do with religion. I was raised in a good family.....please don't get me wrong, but we weren't a religious one.

Anyways my dad moved to Germany with his non-Muslim fiance who was only 10 years older than me, married her there and I soon followed. After driving my mom nutts and running away numerous times, she sent for my dad and he came and took me with him to Germany. This was one of the hardest decisions my mother ever made. I guess she felt that this was the time he needed to be there and try to control me. Well that didn't work. My step-mom and I just didn't get along so to keep the peace my dad got me my own apartment downstairs from some Coptic Egyptian friends of his. They were actually his landlords too. Anyways I was very close to them and loved living by myself downstairs. What 16 year old rebel wouldn't????? Anyways BIG MISTAKE on my dad's part. As if things couldn't get any worse.....they did. I made BIG MISTAKES. May Allah forgive me.

This went on for a couple of years and I drove my dad nutts. He says most of his grey hairs are from me. He now has a full head of grey, but my step mom contributed a lot to that as well. So I just lived......Went to high school and did what teens do.....screwed up!!!! I met my military ex-husband my last year of high school. I was 17 and he was 20. He was security police and very very handsome masha Allah. I was immidiately infatuated and thought it was love. He asked me to marry him 2 weeks later and to make a long story short......after I graduated my mom saw that I wasn't leaving him and so she had to act fast. She told him that if he wanted to marry he would have to convert......Are you willing? He said yeah and he believed in Islam, but he wasn't practicing and neither was I so it was just words to us to get us what we wanted; married.

So we got married and even before then he was not very good to me. I think I stayed with him because I didn't want to go back to my parents. I guess I figured this was a way to be free. WRONG!!!! Anyways we had two beautiful baby girls together and were married for 5 years. I forgot to mention that when I married my ex my mom was becoming more religious and at that point had been wearing the hijab for a while. Way to go MOM. If it wasn't for her du3a then I wouldn't be where I am today. I started praying when I was pregnant with my first daughter, but it was not on time and I still made biiiiig mistakes. Sometimes I would pray all five prayers all at once at night. Who knows if it is even accepted, but alhamdulillah it was the start to my hidaya. I got better as time went on.

After sept. 11 is when my life took a spin I didn't expect. That day I remember I left my ex at home with the girls and I left the air force base where we lived to go get my eye brows waxed (a3uthoo billah) and on my way back to the base I noticed something very wrong. What should have been a 10 minute trip back to the base ended up taking me an hour. Traffic was horrible and all I could see were military hummers and tanks going off the base. Then I realized that he was at home with the girls and I was positive they had called him in to work, but he couldn't leave till I got there. While I waited in traffic....I listened to what was happening on the radio and was horrified. Finally I made it home and he zoomed out the door to work. I can't even remember when he made it back home. I was in utter shock that day and I couldn't keep my eyes off the TV screen. That was the day my life was changed. That day Islam was in the limelight and it made me think. I knew Muslims....True Muslims couldn't have done such horrible things. This is not the Islam that I know. Well I really didn't know Islam, but I knew this wasn't it. So what was it? Why did they do this? Why? Why? Why? At this time I guess I had a need to connect with Muslims. I needed to say hey this isn't Islam right??? Why? I don't know, but I did. I tried going to the masjid, but I didn't find what I was looking for there.

Then one day while I was shopping off base with a friend at a store similar to IKEA.....I saw them. Two women I never met, two women who if I ever run into again I would never know it was them, two women who didn't even look at me, two women wearing hijab. I was dressed soooo unislamically. I wanted to say as salamu alikum to them, but I was too shy. What would they think of me? They would never think I was Muslim. Look at how I look. I felt really ashamed and sad. I really wanted to talk to them......to connect, but it didn't happen. They probably didn't even speak english. They looked turkish to me so they probably only knew how to speak turkish and German. I didn't lose hope though.

That night I made du3a in my own way and asked Allah to bless me with a Muslim friend. Subhan Allah!!!!!! A week passed and I was shopping at the base exchange store down the street from our housing when I saw a woman in the kids clothing wearing a HIJAB!!!!!! YA ALLAH!!!! YAAAAY! I was thrilled, but still I wasn't sure if she spoke english. Then I quickly realized that she must speak english... she is on an American Air base. So I took a chance. On this day it was cold out so I was dressed more appropriatly so I said, "As salamu alikum" she smiled and replied "wa alikum as salam." That was the start of my finding Islam.

Now look at the list of things she and I had in common.......She had two daughters, and so did I. She married an american and so did I. He converted to marry her as did my ex. She wasn't always relgious just like me. My husband was shipped out for 6 months after sept.11 and so was her husband (at the same time....we met while they were away). Get this she lived in the building behind my building and I never even knew she was there. Even her phone number and building number were very close to my own. The strangest part of all is.... we were born August 15 but on different years. She is a couple of years older.

She and I talked and talked and talked. We had so much in common. She invited me over later that day. We spent a lot of time together and she discovered that I really wanted to wear the hijab through our talks, but that I was too afraid to take the step. She never pushed, but she encouraged me. My mother encouraged me too. She told her to tell me that if I wear the hijab, she will buy me new clothes......lol. Tempting mom, but I couldn't do it for that reason. I struggled......to wear or not to wear!!!!

This friend taught me a lot. I didn't know music was haram before I met her, or pictures, etc. I didn't know who the Companions (rah) were or what nasheeds were. I didn't know we couldn't have statues. She flipped my world!!!! I felt overwhelmed and didn't know where to start, but I knew that I didn't want to die not having worn the hijab. I asked my ex if it was ok for me to start while he was away and he gave me the green light and there you have it.

I did it. It was nerve wrecking, but my mom told me something that helped make it easy.....she said that if you do something to please Allah then Allah will make the people pleased by you, but if you do something to please the people then Allah will turn the people against you. So there you have it. That was the start of it all.

When my ex came back he didn't like the changes and I was taking in so much so fast that I didn't like how we lived anymore. We didn't have anything in common. By this time we had moved to Alaska and I was (I think) the only Muslim in my area so I had no support. There was nothing there and I was a showcase. People were not mean, but I was still on display because it was rare to see someone with hijab on an air base in alaska of all places. Anyways the wedge between my ex and I grew bigger. I wanted Quran and he wanted MTV. We were going down two different paths so I made istikhara and Subhan Allah......Here I am!!!! And alhamdulillah Allah put me where I am because his life is an utter mess. My life may seem like a mess, but I know it could be worse and that I have much to be greatful for. Alhamdulillah 3alla ni3mit al ISLAM!!! Alhamdulillah for the blessing of ISLAM!!!!

My husband and I fought last night because I told him that if he and my co-wife have a child then I will probably pack my bags and leave. I know a lot of you are thinking that this is wrong, but you just don't understand how screwed up all of our kids are. We have 8 kids between the two of us. Alhamdulillah mine aren't completely screwed up yet, but if things continue the way that they are my kids will follow.

Shouldn't a man take care of his responsibilities before he goes and adds more to them? The fight started when he told me that just as I have the right to have a child....so does she. No one is arguing with that, but he cannot take care of anymore kids. He barely takes care of the ones he has now. The first four are lost subhan Allah. Just so you have a glimpse of what he has on his plate.....he has 4 kids 2 who have been out of school for 4 years who are now 15 and 16. The 12 and 11 year old have been out for 1 & 1/2 years and a year prior to that. The older ones play mommy at home to the boys and the all the boys do is watch TV and play on the computer all day or they get bored. One boy is overweight and one boy is ADHD and has special needs and hasn't been on his meds in a year and a half (this is a huuuuuuge subject we won't even go there). That is not the half of it. Anyways then you have my kids.....They have a warpped idea of marriage and they barely see my husband or spend any quality time with him. This is not even touching the base of the kids problems and trust me that I wouldn't be exaggerating it either, but I do not want to backbite or hurt anyone's feelings by giving any more details should they run across this blog one day.

Anyways then my husband has the nerve to say that it is her right. Well I wanted to scream and maybe I even did scream "STOP MAKING BABIES YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF!!!" I am tired of this. Does he want a bunch of children just so he can say he has a lot of kids or does he want to have quality kids who contribute to society and to Islam? Won't he be responsible for the people his kids become due to the way they were raised? Trust me he will have a lot to answer to.

Fathers play a very important role in their childrens' lives. All you men need to STEP UP!!!! If you can't take care of the responsibilities you have now then stop adding more for your own selfish desires. It's not fair!!!! Am I unreasonable for saying this? Is it really just the responsibilty of the mothers to take care of the kids and raise them? Are men only there for financial support? How involved were fathers during the time of the Prophet (saaw)? My mom made me feel bad when I told her. She said that men are not there to raise the kids and that's what the mother is for. She said do you want the men to go out and work all day then come home and raise the kids too? I know my mom is a sensible person so was she right? Should I stop bugging my husband about his involvment with the children? Were we just brainwashed in these times to believe that men play a greater role than they actually do in the lives of the kids? If a mother is an adequate mother is that enough? I don't know. I am confused.

But of course I blew the whole thing out of proportion and again asked my husband if maybe we would be better off apart to which he laughed. He laughed because he knew that this is the week before that time of the month and this is the time I usually ask him for a divorce. Weird!!!! How can I stop doing that? Do you think I will be accountable for that? Sometimes I really can't help it. Isn't that the wisdom behind women not being able to get divorces as easily and the reason why men cannot get a divorce from their wives when they are on their menses? Subhan Allah how complete this religion truly is!!!!!