Writing a new blog

I started writing a new blog today. It's called "Living Through Choices." You can access it from this link vena6.blogspot.com I just wrote my first entry today. And I'm off to another journey....another test.

New chapter

As salamu alikum..... I really want to say thank you and Jazakum Allah khair for all the love and support of everyone who has read my blog. The latest update walhamdulillah is that I recently got married. Masha Allah he is a wonderful man and he accepts me and my children. May Allah reward him. Allah gave me exactly what I asked for alhamdulillah. The reason I am writing this entry is to let you all know that insha Allah I plan to write a new blog about the new chapter in my life. Insha Allah the girls and I are planning to make a big move all the way across the country and my ex husband is trying to fight me to take custody of his four girls. I have decided that it is best for them to stay with me because I have issues with how he will raise my kids. I also have issues with Lisa raising my kids. There are a lot of issues that are presenting themselves and I decided to write my way through it. I mean that's what my blog is mainly for.....Self therapy. If I can help others along the way then Alhamdulillah. Insha Allah I will update u soon.

Show support :)

As salamu alikum Ladies....I would like to share a link that a special friend sent me and would like to share her story. Please go there and show your support!

http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/heather/



Love you all for the sake of Allah :)

My update :)

As salamu alikum.....I know it has been toooooooo long since I last posted. I apologize for not responding or writing, but I have just been through so much. I will say that I have been divorced a year now and alhamdulillah I am happy. I am taking care of my 6 girls and we are all doing well masha Allah. The girls are growing and each age has it's challenges, but alhamdulillah we are much better than before. You were all witnesses through my writing of the emotional rollercoaster I was living. I had it! I was done. Best decision I made. I did face many challenges though and so much fitnah, but alhamdulillah day by day my iman is continuing to increase and I am coming a long. That black spot on my heart was growing larger and larger, but when I recognized it I began to treat it. I am in the process of looking to get married, but I am traumatized. I no longer need or want the same things that I once felt I needed or wanted. You can say I am a pessemist. I no longer have faith in the opposite sex, but I do have faith in Allah that He will be the one to bring into my life the man who will fear Allah in all of us. This is a short update until I can gather my thoughts and write what went down. Thank you and Jazzakum Allah khair to all of those who gave me advice.....asked me for advice....and followed me with love and support as I shared my feelings. I love you all for the sake of Allah :) p.s. for the sisters who would like to contact me plz send me your email addresses through the comments and I will be sure to get back with you as soon as possible insha Allah.

I'm so upset at the state the Muslim ummah is in right now. Why can't we get it together and take care of our own? We have the best example (the Prophet saaw) and we still don't use his example as our guide. Many of our women are being mistreated and their God given rights are being taken or abused. No wonder people think we are oppressed. I don't blame them. Where is the Islam in the hearts of our men? Where is their fear of Allah (swt)? I see so many women on daily basis that are in situations where they end up having to settle or be alone.

It is the responsibility of Ummah to provide for our women. We should never have to feel like we have no choice but to either get married to be provided for or to stay in an unhealthy marriage out of fear of financial difficulty. Don't get me wrong I'm not referring to myself here.....My husband is a saint masha Allah compared to some of the men out there, really he is. At the very least he tries. His hands are tied and he bit off more than he can chew. Now he is suffering the consequences of his decisions. The down side is we are all suffering as a result as well. My children love my husband sooooo much. It would be unfair for me to leave him, not for his sake but for theirs. I am not guaranteed that I will find better and really the chances of me finding better are very slim and so if I leave him I will be alone and they will not have a dad around so how exactly would I benefit? I would reclaim my dignity? I am willing to sacrifice my dignity temporarily...eventually the girls will grow older insha Allah and then only time will tell.I joke with my husband sometimes telling him that once the girls get older (insha Allah if I'm still alive) I will still be young and then I will trade him in for a younger model. I'm joking of course. Sometimes making light of the situation is what keeps me sane. Anyways, in the meantime I am trying to improve my iman and I make lots of du3a for my kids and for my marriage. Who is a better helper than Allah? I do not like the situation he put me in but I have to think of the girls even if he didn't.

Anyways back to my point though....I am so tired of hearing the lectures on how to be a good wife. Where are the lectures for the men on how to be good husbands? Where are all the lectures for the men on how to be good fathers? Wouldn't that fix the problems we are facing today in our society? This is a growing epidemic throughout the world and not just the Islamic world. Men are following their desires at the expense of their loved ones. I am not against polygamy when done properly. All persons involved must be on the same page. We must all have the same goal (attaining jannah) and we must all try to help one another for the sake of Allah (swt). Acting selfishly will only result in disunity.

To all the men out there thinking of entering into polygamy.... POLYGAMY IS HARD!!!! IT IS HARD!!! It's a HUGE responsibility and a trust. If you cannot live up to it and the regulations set for it then DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT!

Many men are delusional and believe that they masha Allah can be the SAVIORS of these poor helpless single women out there, all the while neglecting the families they already have and putting these women in worse situations than what they began with. These women deserve better than what you have to offer. They deserve a whole husband not half. If you can only marry a woman if she pitches in some of the bills then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you can only marry another woman if she gives up some of her time, then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you can only marry another woman if the marriage is to remain a secret, then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you can only marry another woman if she receives government assistance, then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you barely make enough to support the first family and barely have enough time for the first family, then you shouldn't marry another woman. If you haven't paid off your debts, then you shouldn't marry another woman. You're not SAVIORS!!!

IF you are really doing it for the sake of Allah then why not marry the one who are really in desperate situations? What about the elderly ladies? Or the disabled ladies? Would you still be that noble? Think about it! If you want to help a Muslim sister out there, there is something called sadaqah and Zakat. Allah (swt) warns that if you cannot be just then JUST ONE! Some men say,"I am being just. I come home late from work to her house just like I come home late from work to the other ones house." LOOOOL! Just in being UNJUST is not what the Quran addressed. May Allah make it easy on the women of this Ummah and bless them with true righteous husbands who are fearful of Allah (swt) and can be righteous towards their wives be it one, two, three or four! Say AMEEN!!! :)

Its so true. Someone posted in my comments....."ISLAM DOES NOT REQUIRE YOU TO BE A MARTYR FOR YOUR HUSBANDS LUST!" And they are right and I tell people this all the time, but factoring in everything and everyone in my life is where I get stuck. It's easy to think I can just leave, but reality is much different. I wish it was as easy as just moving on.

Here again. Feeling down, depressed and overwhelmed!!! I love all 6 of my girls, but I don't want to raise them alone. Even though I didn't divorce my husband I am still feeling alone. Now he lives an hour and a half away working like a dog to support two wives who don't even live with him. A part of me wants to be this supportive and appreciative wife to him because he is working to take care of his responsibilities. Another part of me wants to tell him to get over here and help me raise the kids he made too. I didn't tell him to take on more responsibilities than he can handle; so why should the kids and I pay the price? Lisa got into her relatinship fully aware he was not able to financially support two wives. My main opposition towards him getting married was the fact that he would not have enough time for his family. Keep in mind this was my opposition minus 2 kids ago. I feel so trapped. I can't leave and I don't want to stay. I am lonely. I want a companion by my side.....is that too much to freakin ask for???? Really is too much to want your husband to come home every night to your family? Forget the issues I had with her. I am actually talking to her now and our relationship is much better. This is a seperate issue. This is a matter of what I want and what I need. It's not personal towards him or her. Well partially I guess I hold them responsible. I do. I'm not going to deny that sometimes I get upset that their decisions uprooted my life and my kids lives. And I know people ask..." Well why did you have more kids with him then?" But truly I did not plan it and tried to prevent it, but in the long what Allah Wills is what will be. So now I am left trying to raise 6 girls with the help of friends and my mom.I am truly blessed to at least have them in my life. But what about his accountability towards us? I didn't get married to have someone financially support me and my girls. I was ok before alhamdulilah.I got married to have a partner and a father for them. I like to think we deserve better.

New perspectives

Alhamdulillah things are going good right now. Ramadan has been super busy. Unfortunately I have only been able to fast 8 days this Ramadan, but alhamdulilah it's better than nothing. Pregnancy is going well masha Allah and I was told that insha Allah I am having another girl. lol. Yes that makes 6. We will have another ultrasound done on Sept.28th insha Allah so I will keep all of you posted.

I do admit that I have been extremely overwhelmed lately with the responsibility of the children and nearly had several nervous breakdowns. I want to be great mom to my kids but feel as if I have let them down. The past couple of years my focus had been shifted to the polygamy issue that I neglected my children's' emotional needs. I realize now that they are my calling. It is my duty to raise them to be pious muslimahs with or without the help of my husband. Alhamdulillah I have been blessed with beautiful children, a wonderful family, and great friends who help me survive.

My husband tries his best masha Allah and I just learned to accept him for who he is and how he is no matter what my expectations are. As long as he is making an effort then that is all that matters. I love him and I am willing to invest to make it work isha Allah. I believe my family is worth it even if I have to self sacrifice. Isn't that what life is about? My focus now is getting my family life back on track. Admitting my faults and trying to correct them even if it seems difficult to do. I've accepted that this is my life. This is Allah's will for me and who am I to defy it? I can't and I won't.

I really recommend to all the women who are reading my blog to go and buy the book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It is helping me a lot and everything she says is so true. I only finished the first chapter, but I really have gained a new perspective on my role in the contribution to the state my marriage is in and what it will take to fix it. Please please please go out and read it. You will love it as I am loving it. And please comment on my page and let me know what you think of the book. I will also try to be better at posting. And by the way I do read all the comments even if I do not reply to them so jazakum Allahu Khairan for your input and encouragement!!!<strong>strong>

Still early, but Subhan Allah!!!

I'm Back!!!

As salamu alikum to anyone who has been reading my blog. I know it's been a long time since I've written, but finally after 8 months of being mute I decided to come back and share my thoughts. Instead of speaking of specific incidents that occur in my life I will try to just talk in general based on my views, my opinions and my experiences. As many of you know I decided to stop writing because of my guilty conscious. Although I felt I had every right to speak about my life and how I feel about being in a polygynous marriage, I realized that I wasn't only writing about myself ; I was depicting my husband and my co-wife the way that I felt they looked, behaved and thought but that it was all based on my view. It is not fair to them that I speak about them when they do not have the chance to express their view of what happened. Anyways everyone now knows that my blog is based on my own personal thoughts and my own personal feelings of the events that occurred. My husband is not an oppressive monster and my co-wife is not a lousy home-wrecker. lol. Ok now that that is clear. Let me just catch you up without going into too much detail. My hubby and I didn't divorce (surprise, surprise!!!). My co-wife and I are no longer friends. It first started as an order from my husband to save him the headache and then she just felt that it was easier for her us not being close friends and that she had less arguments with him in the time we were not allowed to speak. So it's been almost a year and a half since we hung out regularly. Alhamdulillah that too took adjusting , but I came to finally realize that life is all about adjustments.....Nothing will ever EVER stay the same and that you will drive yourself insane if you try to make it stay that way. Alhamdulillah Allah (swt) has given humans the ability to forget, the ability to heal, the ability to cope and the ability to adjust. The girls and I are doing great alhamdulillah. They are growing and getting even more beautiful and unique masha Allah. If you last remember I have five daughters. The eldest is almost 10 insha Allah, the second is 8, the third is almost 5 masha Allah, the fourth is 3 1/2 and the youngest is a year and a half old. They are all as different as can be; they each come with a challenge, but Alhamdulillah for all of them. Something new: I got my child development associates credentials. This year I have been working full-time at the Islamic school my girls attend. It's been nice because I get to pay for their tuition and I get a little pocket money on the side. I moved to a place I love and got to re-decorate it the way I love. I saved a little money and bought new furniture.....That was really nice. Alhamdulillah I can say I am happy. Working has allowed me to stay busy and focus on things other than my husband having another wife. I wish I had more time for worship, but that is also a weakness in my iman. My husband and I are better alhamdulillah and masha Allah we are expecting baby #6. Surprise surprise!!!

This is it!!!

So this is it. Not only is this going to be my last entry, but this is the day where my husband and I decide to hang in there or call it quits. This past month or so has been horrible. Full of trials and heart break, but alhamdulillah for everything. I am ok and Insha Allah I will continue to be ok. I will make Istikhara before we meet and will go according to what I feel. So far things point to divorce.

In the past few weeks we have been separated I have seen a side of my husband that shocks me. I never thought that he would resort to some of his tactics, but he did. Who knows why Allah lets certain things take place? I will make Istikhara and just rely on Allah.

He has made a list of conditions and so have I. We will both be given the chance address these issues and if we cannot come to an agreement than we will just have to agree to disagree and move on. I wish things could be civil, but it doesn't look like it will be that way. Anyways insha Allah I will be ok with whatever decision I make.

For now I have decided to quit blogging. Originally I started writing to serve as a healing process. I wanted to write my emotions down and sort them. It helped a lot and I came out of my misery slowly, but surely. I tried not to backbite my husband and co-wife, but obviously I have failed in that. I have told my husband about my blog and he is aware that I write it and has never asked me to take it off, but Lisa might not like all of this being written about and exposed to people all over the net. I do not want her to have anything against me on the Day of Judgment. I will be accountable in front of Allah as will she for what she does.

Besides you have only read MY side of the story from MY perspective, but do not forget that Lisa and my husband also have their own sides and own perspectives. Who knows maybe if they were to write about me from their vision you would hate me. I wouldn't like it if they blogged about me so I must not do it either. Everyone has their point of view and it would not be fair for me talk about our business without them being given a fair chance to defend themselves.

So this is it. Subhan Allah I had always felt that I was doing something wrong when my blogs started to become more about my anger rather than my trying to work things out. I wanted people to see the positives in polygyny. Maybe it is not possible nowadays because our eman is weak and we cannot withstand such a test. I don't know. All I know is that I have to say Jazaki Allah kul khair to the person who pointed out to me that maybe my blog is one of the reasons I am going through this test. Maybe I should not expose my family in this way. How can I ask Allah to be with me if I disobey him?

In the beginning, I justified writing because no one that read my blog knew me or my husband or Lisa personally, but hey.....word gets around and shaytan adds a hand and there you have it.....several people from my community have come to learn about my blog and read it. I do not want them to judge just based on what I say or how I feel.....This is my vision and who is to say whether or not it's the truth or distorted truth? It really doesn't matter though because it is my life and I have to live it in the end. I need to get over this pity party and get it back together. Insha Allah all will be well and I will update insha Allah without major details to let you know how I am doing. If things take a good turn you never know....I may return, but with a less personal approach. Thanks to all of you who supported me and were there for me. I hope that at least someone somewhere got any good advice that worked for them insha Allah. Fi amman Allah.

Sincerely your sister in Islam.......Vena

furious!!!

I am boiling right now. I am soooooooo upset. So today technically would have been my day, but of course we are separated so I don't expect him to come home to be with me. One thing I had hoped though was for him to come on his only day off and at least "attempt" to see the girls. So he didn't call all day and I called him around 5:00 p.m. or so to get permission to go to a friend of a friend's house. He didn't answer so I left him a text message. He didn't reply back until I was on my way there which was around 6:00 p.m. He asked me when I was going and when I would be back. I told him that I was on my way and that I would try to be back before dark (around maghrib) he said ok just call me when you get back because I would like to come by and see the girls. So I told him ok. I rushed home of course so I could make it in time for him to see the girls. Maghrib comes in at 8:27 p.m. and I was home at approx. 8:40 p.m. He usually goes to pray at the masjid and so I decided to call him around 9:00 p.m. I called. No one answered. When I was praying he called back and when I was done I called him back. The time now was around 9:10 p.m. Isha is not till 10:00 p.m. He asked me if I had just gotten home. I told him no. I told him I had been home for a while, but was settling the kids down before I called. He said, "Oh now it's too late to come so I guess I will just have to come tomorrow." I said, "Really? And what about these kids who's hopes I've gotten up about you coming today?" I said, "Whatever I don't care anyways, I just wish I hadn't told them that you were coming. I should have known better.....you only think of yourself......" Then he interrupted me and said something really ugly in Arabic that I do not wish to repeat and so I hung up on him. Then many thoughts came to me of things I could say to him and I called back, but he didn't pick up. That wasn't going to stop me so I texted him......"I don't even know why you act like you had any intention to see the girls. If you cared to see them then you would have come earlier, but of course you were too busy thinking of your damn self and Lisa as usual. Anyways they are fine without you. You do not even have to visit. They probably wouldn't even know the difference. Why don't you go and make another baby you can't take care of? You're good at that!" Then a little while later I texted him, "Oh I just figured out why you didn't come. "Someone" must have told you you can't." Hahaha......you guys know what that means. Anyways I am mad because this guy who claims to love the kids so much and who says that he wants custody of the girls and that if I were to remarry I would have to give them to him HASN'T even seen them since the day he left. What kind of bull is that? He is soooooo selfish I could throw up!

Exhale!!!

I must admit that I thought I was going to be more upset than I am. Subhan Allah....Until yesterday I didn't realize how much emotional stress I had been fighting for the past however many years. You remember that movie "Waiting to Exhale"? That's how I feel right now. I feel a relief as if I have just exhaled. ALHAMDULILLAH! MASHA ALLAH!

I'm sad!

So it's finally happened!!! We are officially separated. He spoke with the sheikh and my mother and they both sided with me on the issues I had addressed concern with. He didn't like that of course, but the sheikh still advised him to separate from me until we decide if divorce is really what I want. He doesn't want a divorce or a separation, but then again why would he? He has a place to escape to every other day. He has a spouse to comfort him every other day. Why would he have to leave? He gets the best of both worlds. It's so convenient isn't it. Well that is over with now. I am not going to be here to accommodate him. He comes home lights a fire in me and then leaves. Sometimes I could swear that he would only come home to provoke me. That is not a life or a marriage. We were not like that. I no longer know the person he has become and I deeply miss the person that he was, but I am not going to live my life waiting for something that was a part of my past. What's done is done and what's here is here. I just have to accept that as a part of life. Well he tried to act as if nothing happened.....I think he thought I would cool down and forget about it like I always have, but I didn't. Not this time buddy! I am serious. I am sad, but I am determined to stay strong. This is the right thing to do. He has to give me my rights. My kids and I have a right to our time and I refuse to let him take it from us. If that is the case than he will lose his time as well. Insha Allah we will see where all of this leads.

I Had Enough!!!

I thought all was well, but I guess not. I refuse to be a doormat!!! I am tired. I just realized that me practicing my faith and building my eman does not require me being married to someone who is not willing to put the same effort in our marriage as I am putting. The sad reality is that he is not even putting a percentage of the effort that I am putting. I am sincerely doubting whether this man really cares as he says he does or not. His actions show quite the opposite.

I think he does not take me seriously about leaving and therefore continues to do whatever it is that he likes. In the end he will be left with his job and Lisa and I hope they make him happy. I am lying!!! I hope it makes him miserable so he can see the blessing that he neglected.

I went to the sheikh again and asked for a divorce. He granted me a separation as a trial to see what happens in the meantime. I am actually surprised by that, but alhamdulillah he seems to sympathize with me and the children. I trust his decision. He wants to give him a reality check. We'll see what happens. He doesn't know what the imam decided because he didn't care enough to ask what we talked about. I am not all about words anymore. I need action and since he won't take any.....I will.

Babbling

I feel so depressed! What is wrong with me? It's been two and a half years already and wallahi I thought I was over it. I thought I had gotten to a stage where I was accepting of the whole situation. I thought I was ok, but I'm not and everyday I get worse.I know shaytan is winning over me. I am ashamed to say it, but it's the truth. I feel so far away from Allah right now and I know that this has a lot to do with the feelings I have and the situation that I am in. I am not the same person that I was. My eman is so low and I am deathly afraid that I will not come out of this. I keep thinking of a black spot growing on my heart so much so that I completely go astray.

Wallahi I am writing this and thinking how PATHETIC I am. No man and I mean NO MAN is worth me losing my akhira. How have I allowed shaytan to misguide me this much? I feel so bad I want to cry. How did I get into this? This is a great fitnah for me. What if I do not pass it? I have everything to be thankful for and yet I am still worrying about the things that do not matter. I wasn't like this. I don't know when it all started to change.

I keep wishing that my husband would go back to practicing the deen the way he used to, but the truth is that I am not practicing it as I used to as well. Maybe this is supposed to be my chance to put my life back into perspective. We all stray, but the point is to get back on track and keep going and keep growing. I honestly am at loss. I do not know what I want anymore and I do not know how to redirect myself.

Very recently I went to the Imam of my masjid and asked him to grant me a khula. I don't even know if it is what I want or not. I am so confused. Every time I try to be good and patient.....my husband does something totally stupid and then I go back to square one thinking "To hell with it all and to hell with him." Isn't that horrible? I know it is from shaytan, but I do not know how to calm myself anymore. My patience has worn thin. I keep thinking to myself....."why do I have to be the patient one?" "Why do I have to put all the effort?" "Why do I have to let things go?" Why do I have to calm down?" WHY? WHY? WHY? Why the hell can't he be the patient one who puts the effort, calms down and lets things go? Why are we women asked to sacrifice and the men no matter what they do are considered not to be sinning? I am sick and tired of this.

These are my thoughts. I think I am going to drive myself crazy, but then I remember why. I am going to be accountable for my actions. I am going to answer to Allah alone and NO ONE will be there beside me. I will not be able to blame my husband or shaytan. I alone control my actions and I alone will be accounted for them. If I could just keep this thought in my head when I am angry then maybe I could do better, but usually it doesn't last long.

I don't really want to find a third wife for my husband. My main reason for doing it would not be for help. Allah is the one I should be relying on for help. I am not a freakin victim and I have to stop letting shaytan make me think of myself in that light. I AM NOT A VICTIM. I am capable of doing what I do and more, but if I face hardship then I have to turn to the only one who can give me ease. My husband cannot give me ease. Lisa cannot give me easy. A third wife cannot give me ease. Only the one who created me can give me ease. My intention to find him a third would mainly be an act of revenge, but as you all have pointed out.....it could backfire and it would not benefit my kids much. My girls need a dad. They do not need another mom. I actually believe that it would backfire because my intentions are not pure. Anything done with impure intentions will end up with a negative backlash.

Sorry I am babbling, but writing this is actually helping me a lot. I have to win Allah's love, not the love of my husband. I have to beg Allah to forgive me and beg him for strength to overcome this trial. Life is too short to live it worrying about the things that are not in my hands. I am wasting my life and I am missing the good out of my children's' lives. Not to insult my husband, but they deserve my attention....not him. They deserve my love....not him. They deserve my appreciation.....not him. They deserve stability and comfort.....not him. They deserve to have me.....not him.

My plots and thoughts

Here is another attempt at me getting real with myself. There has never been a time in my life where I doubted myself as much as I have since my husband married Lisa. I do not know who I am anymore. I do not know what I want to be or who I am becoming. I am in total confusion. My mind is in chaos, my life in turmoil, my faith in examination. Anyone who knows me would think I am handling things pretty well, but am I really? I am falling apart. Why? Why does a man define the way I feel about myself? I used to think I had good self-esteem....now I am not so sure. I am weak!!!

My thoughts are many.....but I am going to share two of them that have become repetitive.

Thought#1 : I keep toying with the idea of finding my husband a third wife who would not only be a part of my husband's life, but also a part of mine and my children's' lives. I want my husband to have a wife who cares for us as much as herself. A wife who is not selfish. Is it my right to enforce that???? NO WAY, but I can wish; can't I? I want us to help one another. I want her to give as much as she takes. I want her to think of the families well being as a whole.

I do not believe in the idea that he is one man with two separate marriages. This is bull! Our lives will always be intertwined. It can never truly be separate. My marriage to him effects her life as does her marriage to mine. I am way past the shock of him getting another wife so why not find someone who will be a good friend to me as well? As long as he does it with my knowledge and approval then I can defeat the jealous feelings insha Allah.

I know my husband would consider it. He's toyed at the idea with me. But I know someone who might mind and consideration would be out of the question. lol! I know it may seem mean, but I have to be honest that the thought crosses my mind like this.....Why not kill two birds with one stone? Why not make what went around, come around??? Yes.....PAYBACK! A part of me still wants revenge. Does it still bother me after 2 1/2 years what they did??? HELL YEAH, it bothers me a lot. I know it is Qadr Allah, but it still strikes a soar spot for me. Betrayal, humiliation, deceit. These are not things easily forgotten.

When I am with her and we are friends I tend to forget these feelings completely, but when we do not talk.....my thoughts return to how it happened. Yes I know this is from shaytan.

Anyways! Believe it or not, Lisa recently accused my husband of having similar intentions for a friend of mine. It caused a problem between the two of them and deep down I was so thrilled. She finally feels that threat that I felt so looooong ago. But I was also irked by the fact that she was not as willing to share her husband as she thought I should have been willing to do.

Why was it OK for her to do it to me, but not for it to be done to her????? OOOOOh now I am pissed!!! Well her excuse would be (because we discussed this subject before) that she already doesn't have enough time with him to share more time with another wife. Well you know what I say???? Too Freakin bad; you didn't think of me when you took from my time or my children's time. You cared about yourself and he cared about himself. You didn't care that "TIME" was my main issue of concern with my husband before you even entered into the picture and yet you were so ready to take half of it. She took most of my time. Not only do I have to share with five children, but I have to share with her too....well adding one more to the mix won't make that much difference anymore.

My husband and I are growing further apart so why should I care if the time is even less? Let him get a third (who might actually end up being the second) and at the same time I can benefit from his marriage. Why should they be the only ones to gain? Sounds crazy I know, but hey those are "Thoughts of a first wife." If I do find someone for him I would want her to have kids and she would have to be a selfless person. I would help her as much as she would help me. It would be about sisterhood and family!

Thought #2 : Do I just want to win? Do I want payback and or revenge? Do I really want my husband all to myself? Do I even really want him after all he has put me through? Sometimes I think I just want to prove to her that in the end I will win. I know I wondered in the last posts about his feelings for me, but deep down I know where his heart is. I know it would just take a few days of me being gone before he realizes what I was to him. I know he loves me. People tell me he lusts for her.....whether that is true or not is not what matters. He has it easy over there so he will never give that up as long as I am making it easy for him.

My husband and I have a bond between us that I know he will miss when I am not there. Sometimes I feel the need to leave to open his eyes to what he can lose. My husband is more comfortable with me because I am not as jealous as she is. But this makes him watch himself with her and sometimes over look things with me because he figures I wouldn't make as big of a deal. I mess with him all the time and tell him that he is scared of her. lol. That really irritates him, but that's the point isn't it? Like I said I am just being honest with myself in this post. Even if people do not like what I am saying or how I am thinking.....all that matters is that they are "MY thoughts". Thoughts of a First wife!!!

Insights

Thank You Browngurl for your comment. You made a lot of points that really struck me. The first comment was you pointing out that I seem like the type that wears their heart on their sleeve. This is sooooo true. I know this is not always wise, but it is who I am. I am trying to change it, but deep down it is still there. This characteristic in me helps me to forgive easily..... sometimes even forget. It does hurt me a lot, but it's me!!! lol.

Another thing you said was, "This other sister is not competing against you; you have already defeated yourself. Stop comparing yourself!!" All I have to say is WOW!!! That is so true and I never looked at it that way. You are right about finding my own things to focus on and lately that's just what I've been doing.

I am taking child daycare management classes that I hope to complete soon. I babysit A LOT so why not make it a profession??!!!! I thought I would take it a step further and do this for myself so I would not have to depend on anyone. Alhamdulillah recently I have been getting more business and it has been a great distraction. I am not going to lie though....I have had some lapses lately. I will mention it later today insha Allah, but for now I have to get to my kids.

Forbidden

I forgot to mention that my husband forbid Lisa and I from talking to one another. You all didn't know, but for five months Lisa and I hadn't spoken to one another aside from the time her son's appendix ruptured and I went to go visit him in the hospital. We were civil. My husband loved it that way. He was in less trouble that way.

Anyways recently she babysat my kids when I really needed someone and it gave us a chance to talk. We talked and decided we wanted to try being friends again. He didn't like that idea because she always take things that I say and argues with him about it.Mind you most of it when it gets back to me is out of context. Well when he finally agreed to let us try again....she did it again.

She tells him everything and so he assumes I am this huge blabber mouth. Whatever!!! She told me lots of things that were HUGE that I never even mentioned to him. He made her swear not to tell me something.....and she did.....and he never knew about it until she told him that I knew. And this was something big that I could have gotten upset over, but I didn't tell him because I promised I wouldn't. Anyways I was upset at first because he forbid us from talking, but later I saw his point. I talk to her just like I would talk to any of my friends and maybe that is a mistake. Things are not like before. I am very naive and I guess that is just my nature. You have seen it happen many times over and over on this blog where I set myself up for disappointment.

I did come to the realization though that I am not against polygamy. I do think it has a lot of advantages as opposed to the disadvantages, but you have to have three things.....#1 A reassuring husband #2 Involved father with the children #3 a co-wife who is helpful. I am not saying it is mandatory for her to help me, but it would be a gesture of good faith and kindness. Let's not forget the reward one gets anyways for helping their sister in Islam. But I guess that's just wishful thinking, but I do catch myself sometimes wishing for a third wife who can help me out. lol!!

Feeling blue

So Lately I have been reading The My Two Wives blog and I really enjoy it. I remember a while back I responded on my blog to someone who suggested that the man is probably not being completely honest because he said he cannot honestly say that he loves one wife over the other. I disagreed with that and I started reading his blog and found him to be very genuine. I wish my husband was smart enough to have not told his other wife that he loved her more than me because that only gave satan an opening to play with my head. Even if it wasn't true, even if he starts loving me more or us equally.....I will never believe him. And I will always have insecurity. I do feel very insecure right now and the only one that can help that is my husband. I always thought that it was possible for a man to love two at the same time, but maybe not in my case. I always question myself now.....Am I really that bad of a wife? Is something wrong with me? Am I missing something? I think I am a good person and my husband always attests to that, but why do I feel so low? Because of these doubts I have begun to emotionally dis attach myself from my husband. This has caused a wedge in our marriage that I am not sure can be repaired. I cannot compete with Lisa. She is his escape. Yes I give him family, but she gives him marriage. She does not have the amount of responsibilities that I have. She is able to tend to his every need with simplicity. They are both getting the best of polygamy and I am not. I am the only one that lost anything. Well the kids did too. We lost time. If it was not for my kids I don't know where I would be. I feel bad though, because of all this mess I have not been in the best of moods and therefore have not been able to give them my all. I feel like a failure in all aspects of my life. Not a good wife and not a good mother.

I think it's time to share a cute and true polygyny story I heard recently..... There was a man and a woman married for I think over 12 years and they loved each other dearly, but had no children. The wife tried and tried to get pregnant over the years, but they were not successful. Qadr Allah!!! The man loved his wife and did not want to marry another....he just accepted the fact that they would not have children, but the wife out of love for her husband insisted that he marry another so he can have the children he longed for. After many attempts to convince him that this is what she wished for him and that she was ok he finally agreed. He married a younger woman and the two wives became good friends. The younger one got pregnant and while in labor made du3a that her co-wife get pregnant. Guess what happened? Allah answered the du3a and the first wife got pregnant. Not only did she get pregnant, but her and her co-wife started having babies one after the other. This story was told to me as a true story.

This reminds me of pure love for the sake of Allah and reminds me of the hadeeth......

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet (p.b.u.h) said, "Seven people will be shaded by Allah under His shade on the day when there will be no shade except His. They are:

(1) a just ruler;

(2) a young man who has been brought up in the worship of Allah, (i.e. worship Allah (Alone) sincerely from his childhood),

(3) a man whose heart is attached to the mosque (who offers the five compulsory congregational prayers in the mosque);

(4) two persons who love each other only for Allah's sake and they meet and part in Allah's cause only;

(5) a man who refuses the call of a charming woman of noble birth for an illegal sexual intercourse with her and says: I am afraid of Allah;

(6) a person who practices charity so secretly that his left hand does not know what his right hand has given (i.e. nobody knows how much he has given in charity).

(7) a person who remembers Allah in seclusion and his eyes get flooded with tears."

Bukhari Vol. 2 : 504

May Allah make these two womens' love for each other for the sake of Allah be their protection on the Day of Judgment when only Allah's shade will protect!!! Ameen!!

I got an idea from the comment Yosra left me advising me to make 2008 a great year. I thought to myself what a great idea that was. Why don't I resolve to make 2008 a great year? I will list some things I resolve to do or not to do and you guys also give me some ideas of some things I should resolve to do or not to do. Insha Allah if Allah gives me life until the next year being 2009 then maybe we can see which ones I actually stuck to and which ones I didn't.

Here is some things I resolve to do or not to do......

1. I resolve to NOT look through my husbands text messages.....YIKES!!!! Don't want to see that again!!!! Insha Allah.

2. I resolve to NOT ask for a divorce unless it is absolutely necessary. Insha Allah.

3. I resolve to put my family as a priority over all other people and matters. Husband and Kids come first before all others. Insha Allah.

4. I resolve to memorize at LEAST two Juz's from the Quran this year. Insha Allah. I know that is nothing, but hey if I aim low I can always go more.

5. I resolve to go back to praying my sunnah prayers as I once did. Insha Allah.

6. I resolve to listen to at least two lectures a week and read at least one Islamic book a month insha Allah.

7. I resolve to give my kids the one on one attention that they each need. Insha Allah.

8. I resolve to learn how to sew by taking a sewing class. insha Allah. I need a hobby to keep me busy; don't you think?

9. I resolve to show my husband I love him by doing something special for him (even if it is as small as saying "I love you") each day. Insha Allah. But let's be realistic if we are fighting and it's his fault than he can forget it. ; ) lol!

10. I resolve to listen to yosra's advice and make 2008 a great year insha Allah.

If you have any ideas for me then please share.

I went to the Texas Dawah Convention the weekend of the Christmas break and this years convention was about family. I went to many wonderful lectures by many wonderful sheikhs. One of them.....sh. Yasir Birjas spoke of the AAA (triple A) that women need from their husbands. We need Attention, Affection, and Appreciation. Didn't he perfectly sum it up????? What more could we ask for???? Well one woman suggested to him a fourth A...... Acceptance. I like that!!!