Sunday, June 29, 2008


I am boiling right now. I am soooooooo upset. So today technically would have been my day, but of course we are separated so I don't expect him to come home to be with me. One thing I had hoped though was for him to come on his only day off and at least "attempt" to see the girls. So he didn't call all day and I called him around 5:00 p.m. or so to get permission to go to a friend of a friend's house. He didn't answer so I left him a text message. He didn't reply back until I was on my way there which was around 6:00 p.m. He asked me when I was going and when I would be back. I told him that I was on my way and that I would try to be back before dark (around maghrib) he said ok just call me when you get back because I would like to come by and see the girls. So I told him ok. I rushed home of course so I could make it in time for him to see the girls. Maghrib comes in at 8:27 p.m. and I was home at approx. 8:40 p.m. He usually goes to pray at the masjid and so I decided to call him around 9:00 p.m. I called. No one answered. When I was praying he called back and when I was done I called him back. The time now was around 9:10 p.m. Isha is not till 10:00 p.m. He asked me if I had just gotten home. I told him no. I told him I had been home for a while, but was settling the kids down before I called. He said, "Oh now it's too late to come so I guess I will just have to come tomorrow." I said, "Really? And what about these kids who's hopes I've gotten up about you coming today?" I said, "Whatever I don't care anyways, I just wish I hadn't told them that you were coming. I should have known only think of yourself......" Then he interrupted me and said something really ugly in Arabic that I do not wish to repeat and so I hung up on him. Then many thoughts came to me of things I could say to him and I called back, but he didn't pick up. That wasn't going to stop me so I texted him......"I don't even know why you act like you had any intention to see the girls. If you cared to see them then you would have come earlier, but of course you were too busy thinking of your damn self and Lisa as usual. Anyways they are fine without you. You do not even have to visit. They probably wouldn't even know the difference. Why don't you go and make another baby you can't take care of? You're good at that!" Then a little while later I texted him, "Oh I just figured out why you didn't come. "Someone" must have told you you can't." guys know what that means. Anyways I am mad because this guy who claims to love the kids so much and who says that he wants custody of the girls and that if I were to remarry I would have to give them to him HASN'T even seen them since the day he left. What kind of bull is that? He is soooooo selfish I could throw up!

Friday, June 27, 2008


I must admit that I thought I was going to be more upset than I am. Subhan Allah....Until yesterday I didn't realize how much emotional stress I had been fighting for the past however many years. You remember that movie "Waiting to Exhale"? That's how I feel right now. I feel a relief as if I have just exhaled. ALHAMDULILLAH! MASHA ALLAH!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I'm sad!

So it's finally happened!!! We are officially separated. He spoke with the sheikh and my mother and they both sided with me on the issues I had addressed concern with. He didn't like that of course, but the sheikh still advised him to separate from me until we decide if divorce is really what I want. He doesn't want a divorce or a separation, but then again why would he? He has a place to escape to every other day. He has a spouse to comfort him every other day. Why would he have to leave? He gets the best of both worlds. It's so convenient isn't it. Well that is over with now. I am not going to be here to accommodate him. He comes home lights a fire in me and then leaves. Sometimes I could swear that he would only come home to provoke me. That is not a life or a marriage. We were not like that. I no longer know the person he has become and I deeply miss the person that he was, but I am not going to live my life waiting for something that was a part of my past. What's done is done and what's here is here. I just have to accept that as a part of life. Well he tried to act as if nothing happened.....I think he thought I would cool down and forget about it like I always have, but I didn't. Not this time buddy! I am serious. I am sad, but I am determined to stay strong. This is the right thing to do. He has to give me my rights. My kids and I have a right to our time and I refuse to let him take it from us. If that is the case than he will lose his time as well. Insha Allah we will see where all of this leads.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

I Had Enough!!!

I thought all was well, but I guess not. I refuse to be a doormat!!! I am tired. I just realized that me practicing my faith and building my eman does not require me being married to someone who is not willing to put the same effort in our marriage as I am putting. The sad reality is that he is not even putting a percentage of the effort that I am putting. I am sincerely doubting whether this man really cares as he says he does or not. His actions show quite the opposite.

I think he does not take me seriously about leaving and therefore continues to do whatever it is that he likes. In the end he will be left with his job and Lisa and I hope they make him happy. I am lying!!! I hope it makes him miserable so he can see the blessing that he neglected.

I went to the sheikh again and asked for a divorce. He granted me a separation as a trial to see what happens in the meantime. I am actually surprised by that, but alhamdulillah he seems to sympathize with me and the children. I trust his decision. He wants to give him a reality check. We'll see what happens. He doesn't know what the imam decided because he didn't care enough to ask what we talked about. I am not all about words anymore. I need action and since he won't take any.....I will.

Friday, June 20, 2008


I feel so depressed! What is wrong with me? It's been two and a half years already and wallahi I thought I was over it. I thought I had gotten to a stage where I was accepting of the whole situation. I thought I was ok, but I'm not and everyday I get worse.I know shaytan is winning over me. I am ashamed to say it, but it's the truth. I feel so far away from Allah right now and I know that this has a lot to do with the feelings I have and the situation that I am in. I am not the same person that I was. My eman is so low and I am deathly afraid that I will not come out of this. I keep thinking of a black spot growing on my heart so much so that I completely go astray.

I am writing this and thinking how PATHETIC I am. No man and I mean NO MAN is worth me losing my akhira. How have I allowed shaytan to misguide me this much? I feel so bad I want to cry. How did I get into this? This is a great fitnah for me. What if I do not pass it? I have everything to be thankful for and yet I am still worrying about the things that do not matter. I wasn't like this. I don't know when it all started to change.

I keep wishing that my husband would go back to practicing the deen the way he used to, but the truth is that I am not practicing it as I used to as well. Maybe this is supposed to be my chance to put my life back into perspective. We all stray, but the point is to get back on track and keep going and keep growing. I honestly am at loss. I do not know what I want anymore and I do not know how to redirect myself.

Very recently I went to the Imam of my masjid and asked him to grant me a khula. I don't even know if it is what I want or not. I am so confused. Every time I try to be good and husband does something totally stupid and then I go back to square one thinking "To hell with it all and to hell with him." Isn't that horrible? I know it is from shaytan, but I do not know how to calm myself anymore. My patience has worn thin. I keep thinking to myself....."why do I have to be the patient one?" "Why do I have to put all the effort?" "Why do I have to let things go?" Why do I have to calm down?" WHY? WHY? WHY? Why the hell can't he be the patient one who puts the effort, calms down and lets things go? Why are we women asked to sacrifice and the men no matter what they do are considered not to be sinning? I am sick and tired of this.

These are my thoughts. I think I am going to drive myself crazy, but then I remember why. I am going to be accountable for my actions. I am going to answer to Allah alone and NO ONE will be there beside me. I will not be able to blame my husband or shaytan. I alone control my actions and I alone will be accounted for them. If I could just keep this thought in my head when I am angry then maybe I could do better, but usually it doesn't last long.

I don't really want to find a third wife for my husband. My main reason for doing it would not be for help. Allah is the one I should be relying on for help. I am not a freakin victim and I have to stop letting shaytan make me think of myself in that light. I AM NOT A VICTIM. I am capable of doing what I do and more, but if I face hardship then I have to turn to the only one who can give me ease. My husband cannot give me ease. Lisa cannot give me easy. A third wife cannot give me ease. Only the one who created me can give me ease. My intention to find him a third would mainly be an act of revenge, but as you all have pointed could backfire and it would not benefit my kids much. My girls need a dad. They do not need another mom. I actually believe that it would backfire because my intentions are not pure. Anything done with impure intentions will end up with a negative backlash.

Sorry I am babbling, but writing this is actually helping me a lot. I have to win Allah's love, not the love of my husband. I have to beg Allah to forgive me and beg him for strength to overcome this trial. Life is too short to live it worrying about the things that are not in my hands. I am wasting my life and I am missing the good out of my children's' lives. Not to insult my husband, but they deserve my attention....not him. They deserve my love....not him. They deserve my appreciation.....not him. They deserve stability and comfort.....not him. They deserve to have me.....not him.

Monday, June 16, 2008

My plots and thoughts

Here is another attempt at me getting real with myself. There has never been a time in my life where I doubted myself as much as I have since my husband married Lisa. I do not know who I am anymore. I do not know what I want to be or who I am becoming. I am in total confusion. My mind is in chaos, my life in turmoil, my faith in examination. Anyone who knows me would think I am handling things pretty well, but am I really? I am falling apart. Why? Why does a man define the way I feel about myself? I used to think I had good I am not so sure. I am weak!!!

My thoughts are many.....but I am going to share two of them that have become repetitive.

Thought#1 : I keep toying with the idea of finding my husband a third wife who would not only be a part of my husband's life, but also a part of mine and my children's' lives. I want my husband to have a wife who cares for us as much as herself. A wife who is not selfish. Is it my right to enforce that???? NO WAY, but I can wish; can't I? I want us to help one another. I want her to give as much as she takes. I want her to think of the families well being as a whole.

I do not believe in the idea that he is one man with two separate marriages. This is bull! Our lives will always be intertwined. It can never truly be separate. My marriage to him effects her life as does her marriage to mine. I am way past the shock of him getting another wife so why not find someone who will be a good friend to me as well? As long as he does it with my knowledge and approval then I can defeat the jealous feelings insha Allah.

I know my husband would consider it. He's toyed at the idea with me. But I know someone who might mind and consideration would be out of the question. lol! I know it may seem mean, but I have to be honest that the thought crosses my mind like this.....Why not kill two birds with one stone? Why not make what went around, come around??? Yes.....PAYBACK! A part of me still wants revenge. Does it still bother me after 2 1/2 years what they did??? HELL YEAH, it bothers me a lot. I know it is Qadr Allah, but it still strikes a soar spot for me. Betrayal, humiliation, deceit. These are not things easily forgotten.

When I am with her and we are friends I tend to forget these feelings completely, but when we do not thoughts return to how it happened. Yes I know this is from shaytan.

Anyways! Believe it or not, Lisa recently accused my husband of having similar intentions for a friend of mine. It caused a problem between the two of them and deep down I was so thrilled. She finally feels that threat that I felt so looooong ago. But I was also irked by the fact that she was not as willing to share her husband as she thought I should have been willing to do.

Why was it OK for her to do it to me, but not for it to be done to her????? OOOOOh now I am pissed!!! Well her excuse would be (because we discussed this subject before) that she already doesn't have enough time with him to share more time with another wife. Well you know what I say???? Too Freakin bad; you didn't think of me when you took from my time or my children's time. You cared about yourself and he cared about himself. You didn't care that "TIME" was my main issue of concern with my husband before you even entered into the picture and yet you were so ready to take half of it. She took most of my time. Not only do I have to share with five children, but I have to share with her too....well adding one more to the mix won't make that much difference anymore.

My husband and I are growing further apart so why should I care if the time is even less? Let him get a third (who might actually end up being the second) and at the same time I can benefit from his marriage. Why should they be the only ones to gain? Sounds crazy I know, but hey those are "Thoughts of a first wife." If I do find someone for him I would want her to have kids and she would have to be a selfless person. I would help her as much as she would help me. It would be about sisterhood and family!

Thought #2 : Do I just want to win? Do I want payback and or revenge? Do I really want my husband all to myself? Do I even really want him after all he has put me through? Sometimes I think I just want to prove to her that in the end I will win. I know I wondered in the last posts about his feelings for me, but deep down I know where his heart is. I know it would just take a few days of me being gone before he realizes what I was to him. I know he loves me. People tell me he lusts for her.....whether that is true or not is not what matters. He has it easy over there so he will never give that up as long as I am making it easy for him.

My husband and I have a bond between us that I know he will miss when I am not there. Sometimes I feel the need to leave to open his eyes to what he can lose. My husband is more comfortable with me because I am not as jealous as she is. But this makes him watch himself with her and sometimes over look things with me because he figures I wouldn't make as big of a deal. I mess with him all the time and tell him that he is scared of her. lol. That really irritates him, but that's the point isn't it? Like I said I am just being honest with myself in this post. Even if people do not like what I am saying or how I am thinking.....all that matters is that they are "MY thoughts". Thoughts of a First wife!!!